The Sun on my Skin Ch. 02

"And you can't think of anyone? There must be some historical people you know about."

"Yes, but they're all just boring old men, apart from queens like Victoria and Elizabeth."

"Who are just boring old women?" That gets a slight smile. "What about Anne Frank? You know, the Jewish girl who hid from the Nazis."

"I can't: Kelly Grey is doing her and she'll think I'm copying her."

"You definitely don't want that. Okay... Florence Nightingale, the..."

"The nurse, I know," she interrupts.

"Well, I was actually going to say the inventor of the pie chart."

"What? She was a nurse, everyone knows that."

"She was, but she also invented the pie chart as a way to present her evidence that clean conditions in hospitals reduced the number of deaths among the wounded soldiers. That's how she got the boring old men to pay attention."

"That sounds okay..."

"Or what about Ada Lovelace? I know she sounds like a porn star," I smile at the shocked look on Eryn's face but I think I might just have earned a coolness point or two, "but she was a countess and the world's first computer programmer. She worked with, er... Charles Babbage, that's it, in the nineteenth century, I think; Babbage built one of the first computers, though it was all gears and levers, not electronics."

"That's pretty cool."

"Or... what was her name? Her work lead to the discovery of DNA but Crick and Watson and some other bloke got the Nobel Prize for it."

"That's so unfair! Just because she was a woman!" Eryn is indignant.

"No, not entirely; it's mainly because she was dead by the time the prize was awarded and Nobel Prizes are only given to living people, apparently. It's still pretty unfair that she wasn't given the credit she deserved at the time though -- or that no one remembers her much now -- because it was her work that made the discovery possible. What was her name..? Er... Franklin, that's it, Rosalind Franklin."

"How do you know stuff like this?" she asks.

"Well, we saw a film about the discovery of DNA at school and my Mum always said I have a Magpie Mind: I remember lots of silly little facts and bits of information. It's handy when it comes to quizzes, though that's not..." There is a sudden rumble and resounding crash as the long-predicted thunderstorm finally arrives. Eryn gives a little squeal of alarm but downstairs Tilly howls in fright.

"I better go and comfort your sister. Would you come too? I'm sure seeing you would be better than me." Eryn nods and we hurry downstairs to find Tilly cowering in the corner hugging a rather worn cuddly cat toy. I catch the flash from lightning and rush over to pick her up before the next clap of thunder; I shouldn't have left her alone. I hug her close and feel her tremble. Her big sister doesn't look happy either, glancing nervously towards the patio doors. I sit on the sofa and call Eryn over beside me. "Come and give Tilly a cwtch."

She looks surprised at my use of the word but when Tilly reaches out and calls "Eryn, cwtch!" she comes over. Tilly stays sat on my lap as the girls hug. There's another flash of lightning, brighter this time, and I start to count softly.

"...seven... eight... nine... ten... eleven... twelve..." The thunder arrives. "Twelve seconds. Five seconds a mile, so... that means the storm is about two and a half miles away."

"See Tilly, we can hear the thunder but the storm is a long way away so you're safe," Eryn tells her but I wonder if that's as much for her own comfort as Tilly's.

"Here, let's listen to the rain." I stand and walk to the patio doors carrying Tilly. When I open the door she objects with a whimper of alarm. "It's okay, we're not going out into the storm; just listen to the sounds the rain makes. I love listening to it."

The two girls quieten as they listen to the myriad little noises all blended together: the pattering and splashing, the gurgles and hisses and sighs, a world of watery sounds. It feels very relaxed and comfortable until an enormous crash of thunder makes us all jump and cry out. In the ringing silence that follows Eryn and I look at each other and we both laugh. "Why you laughing?" Tilly demands, still upset.

"Because of the way the thunder made us all jump," Eryn tells her.

"Perhaps that's enough rain listening. Eryn, is there anything I can do to help with your homework?"

"Um, can I use the laptop to look up that DNA woman, er..."

"Rosalind Franklin. I should think so but maybe use it down here?" I expect her to object but she agrees and heads upstairs to collect her books. "Okay, Tilly, what do you want to do?"

"Um... read a story, please." She wriggles to be set down and goes to the lowest shelf of the bookcase and returns with Dr Seuss's 'Green Eggs and Ham', a book I'm sure I read when I was little.

Tanwen returns with Jake an hour later. He's a tall lad, already nearly as tall as Tanwen so he's probably taller than me, with a mass of unruly pale brown hair. She tells him to get on with his homework and I ask her how it all went. "Well, they said Jake came close to being suspended from school and would have been had he not been well behaved in the past. He was being teased about Ted leaving; the father of one of the other lads in his year was a colleague of Ted's and he started it. I think Jake understands he shouldn't have lashed out, whatever the provocation, and the Head of Year has promised to keep an eye on Jake and check he's okay. Jake's a bit embarrassed by the idea but I think he understands that it might help in future. Anyway, how have the girls been?"

"Both very good; they're lovely and a credit to you."

"What, even Eryn?"

"Sure."

"Jani, read 'nother story?" Tilly interrupts as she toddles in waving a book, a small board book.

"It's 'Janice', not 'Jani', Tilly," Tanwen corrects her daughter.

"No, 'Jani' is fine," I assure her; actually, I quite like the way she says it. "I'll read it to you in a few minutes, Tilly. Just let me talk to your Mummy, okay?"

"Um..." she looks at me and then her Mum. "Okay, Jani," she acquiesces.

"You've got a friend there... Jani!" Tanwen chuckles.

"I hope so." I quickly relate the events of the evening to her. "I really enjoyed it," I conclude.

"Oh good, and thank you so much. You should stay and eat with us," her shoulders sag.

"Not looking forward to cooking?" I hazard and she gives a little nod. "Look, why don't we order pizza? Unless you feel that's not appropriate after this evening with Jake?"

"Well... oh, sod it, let's do it! I'll talk to him about, I don't know, this being a new start."

The evening slips past. Jake is wary of me at first -- a stranger knowing your troubles is always an uncomfortable situation I guess -- but Eryn's and Tilly's acceptance of me helps and the 'talk to them like an adult' method seems to work pretty well with him too. The clincher is asking him about rugby, about which he is only too happy to speak at great length, despite my limited understanding of the game. I am finally rescued by Eryn who tells him to, "Stop banging on about that stupid game."

Half-past nine arrives. Tilly has been in bed for an hour and Tanwen decrees bedtime for the older two. "Night, Jani," Eryn says, "Thanks for helping me with the homework."

"My pleasure and sleep well. Goodnight Jake." He nods a little awkwardly.

"Seems like you've become Jani to Eryn too."

"Yeah... I quite like it; 'Janice' is okay but it can sound a bit formal at times."

"Tina calls you 'Jan', doesn't she?"

"Yes. We go out together sometimes for a drink or to dance and it started there." The memories of that first night and the kiss haven't faded one bit. "Um, do you have any pet names?"

"Well, um, 'Wen' I suppose," she says slowly, "but it was only Ted called me that."

"I'll not call you that, I promise," I say hastily, wishing I hadn't asked.

Tanwen takes a deep breath. "Thanks. Now tell me, do you need to get home?" she asks. Clive will be home around now, probably, but...

"No, why?"

"Well, I know it's a weeknight but do you fancy a cheeky glass of wine?"

"How can I say 'no' to a cheeky glass of wine?" I smile.

"Good. Don't get me wrong, I love my children, so I do, but it's nice to have some adult company of an evening. Did you really enjoy looking after Eryn and Tilly?"

"Eryn was fine, better than fine: I think we got on pretty well. And Tilly is just adorable! I... Tanwen, I suppose I should tell you... I was pregnant, once. It was two years ago, more or less, but... I lost her at five months." Tanwen leans in and rests a hand on my arm. "I hadn't known quite how much I wanted to be a mother until I became pregnant; losing our child, our daughter to be, my Sophie..." I stifle a sob.

"Jani that's awful." I nod and bite my lip. "If I'd known I'd never have asked you to look after Tilly and Eryn, so I wouldn't."

"No, please don't be sorry. I was worried that looking after Tilly would be hard, you know, upsetting, but it wasn't; it was lovely."

"But you still want children?" she asks quietly.

"Oh god, yes! Since the miscarriage the desire to be a mum it's, it's... it's more like a craving. It's driving me mad. We've tried so hard but... nothing." Slowly and sadly I tell her a little about the IVF, the disappointments and the arguments with Clive.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather be home with him now?"

"He'll not long have been home -- if he's even there yet. He got a promotion a few months ago and he's been working stupid hours since; he also has to travel two or three times a month so he's away overnight, sometimes two nights. I told him to take the promotion so we'd have more money to save for IVF but it's not the way I thought it would be." I feel her arms wrap around me as silent tears fall.

"Jani, having children isn't everything."

"Would you be without Jake and Eryn and Tilly?"

"No, of course not," she sighs, "I love them to bits, so I do, but... it's so hard if you don't have someone with you to support you. Sometimes it's just practical things, like this evening, needing to be in two places at the same time, but there's also just having someone who can take over, you know? A bit like this evening when Eryn was getting all stroppy teenager with me and you sorted her out; sometimes as a parent you need to be able to step away, for everyone's sake."

"I think I was lucky. I really have no knowledge of how to parent." She lets me go and pats my hand.

"Well, you have good instincts then," she says and I'm very touched.

"Thank you. Right," I take a deep breath and wipe my eyes, "I'm going to stop being a miserable cow on you; I don't want to end what's been a lovely evening on a sad note."

"Jani, I poured out my woes on you the first time we met, I did. I think now we're friends you can use my shoulder to cry on."

"Thank you." We chat for a bit longer as we drink the wine. I decline a second glass and, somewhat reluctantly, tell her that I ought to go before it gets too late and the buses stop running. She comes with me into the hall.

"Thanks for your help this evening," she says as she kisses my cheek.

"Tanwen, it really was my pleasure. If you need me again, you only have to ask."

"Do you mean that? Can I be really cheeky then?"

"What?" I smile.

"You know Jake plays rugby, right?" She sees the look on my face. "Sorry, of course you know! The thing is Ted always went to watch him play. I've been once or twice in the past but I can't drag Tilly to stand on a cold, muddy touchline and Eryn wouldn't want to go..."

"You want me to babysit again so you can watch him play? Sure, if I can; when does he play?"

"Saturday mornings, usually it is. It's their first match this Saturday and I think it'd mean a lot to him if I was there."

"I can do that. Um, what time do you need me?" She looks a little sheepish.

"He has to be at school for nine-fifteen so... about half eight."

"Does half eight even exist on a Saturday morning? No, I'm joking; of course I'll be here. See you tomorrow, Tanwen."

Tuesday 29 September

We arrive at my bus stop. My feet ache a little from the dancing while my head spins a little from the drinking but, despite this, I am very happy, so happy that when the back of Tina's hand brushes mine I cannot resist taking it. She turns to me, a surprised smile on her face. "That was unexpected," she tells me.

"I can hold my friend's hand if I like, can't I?"

"Of course you can, Jan. You can put your arm around me if you like." I hesitate, glancing behind and along the street: we are quite alone so I figure, why not? My arm encircles her waist and she does the same to me. "What time is your bus?"

"Um," I look at the timetable. "Shit, not for half an hour; I must have just missed one."

"Not to worry, this is nice."

"It is, isn't it?" I snuggle in close and look up into her face. She licks her lips and suddenly I don't want to wait for our final kiss goodnight. I raise my chin bringing my mouth towards hers, offering a kiss. She understands and dips her head and our lips meet, softly at first but with increasing force and passion. When her mouth opens my tongue seems to have a will of its own and slips past her teeth.

This is new and wonderful but at the same time, I have been here before, just once while at college... Giselle was her name. I edge closer, pressing against her, feeling the warmth of Tina's body on this chilly night. Her hands reach down and grasp both cheeks of my bum and I respond, to my amazement, by cupping the curved roundness of her breast...

She moves her hands up and then down but this time they are slipping inside my trousers... inside my panties... touching the skin of my bum.

My hand travels down. The button on the waist of her jeans is undone, allowing my hand to slip inside. I give a gasp at discovering she is not wearing panties when, moments later, my fingers find her pubic hair. A desire that borders on lust fills me and I dip my wanton digits into her. She gasps at the intrusion but parts her legs a little, inviting me deeper.

My fingers begin thrusting, rubbing her clitoris and parting her hot, wet pussy lips just as I did with Giselle and she did to me...

Tina begins to shudder, gasping and moaning and hot liquid flows over my hand as she cums heavily. I pull my hand out and raise it, glistening and dripping with her passion, to my lips to taste her wonderful nectar, closing my eyes as I savour it...

I open my eyes with a start and a feeling of disorientation. The bus stop..? Tina? Why am I in bed? Beside me, Clive lies sleeping. Oh, fuck, it was a dream... but what a dream! I can guess the cause: Tina's lesbianism seems to be reopening ideas and feelings I put behind me years ago. I reach between my legs to find my pussy is dripping. Hmmm, thick, stringy mucus: I should be fertile again and feel as randy as hell so maybe my weird dream can be useful. I glance across at the clock -- 5:43 AM. Early enough but not too early as I spoon up behind Clive and wrap my arm around him to grasp his cock. I stroke it gently and feel it begin to stir and harden...

Saturday 10 October

Tanwen did warn me that she and Jake would be late back given how far they have to travel to play Jake's opponents today. Still, it's past one and still no sign of them. There's no problem as such -- Eryn and Tilly seem happy enough, not that I've seen much of Eryn as she's been upstairs, supposedly doing her homework for the past two hours. I go to the foot of the stairs and call up to check she's okay.

"I'm fine, Jani!" she calls back.

There's a tug on my leggings. "Jani, I bored!" Tilly complains -- for the second time. This is the real problem: keeping this cute little girl entertained. Perhaps I should do something I'd promised myself that I wouldn't do and put the telly on for her. I feel it would make me a bad parent... I smile because, of course, I'm not her parent.

"Would you like me to put the TV on, Tilly?" She smiles and claps her little hands.

"Peppa Pig! Peppa Pig!" she exclaims.

"Come and show me." I hold my hand out and she grabs my thumb to pull me to the living room. She squats down in front of the telly, studying the little collection of DVDs there. A moment later she stands holding the chosen treat.

"Peppa an' Muddly Puddles," she says happily. I look at the proffered case.

"Hmm, 'Peppa Pig, Muddy Puddles'. Is that the one you want?" She nods enthusiastically before hurrying off to clamber up onto the sofa while it's my turn to squat, turning on the TV and DVD player. Now I hit a problem: how on earth do I change the TV so we can watch the DVD? I opt for the easy method: "Eryn, can you come and give me a hand with the DVD?" I call loudly.

Moments later rapid footsteps rattle down the stairs. "Are you having a problem with this new-fangled technology, grandma?" she grins.

"Oi, miss, less of your cheek!" I retort, though I can't help a little smile. "Tilly wants to watch her DVD, so be a good big sister and get it playing, would you? There may be hot chocolate." I add as a bribe.

"Loc'late, please," Tilly calls and Eryn picks up one of the several indistinguishable remote controls and with a couple of button-presses has the DVD playing. I go out into the kitchen and boil the kettle to make the hot chocolate, though in Tilly's case, of course, it's actually tepid chocolate. I debate what I want and make a coffee in the end.

I walk back carefully carrying mugs for Eryn and myself and Tilly's trainer cup. Tilly is sat engaged with the DVD and sucking her thumb while Eryn sprawls in the armchair, not watching yet watching the telly. She straightens up hastily as I enter, looking away from the telly.

I sit next to Tilly and place the drinks on the table before passing Tilly hers and receiving a small "Ta," of thanks.

"Thanks, Jani." Erin sits forward to take hers. It occurs to me that she seems to like using my first name, or at least what has become my name in this family.

"No problem. Thank you for sorting the DVD. I do feel a bit guilty dumping Tilly in front of the TV though but she was getting bored," I confess. "You're not bored are you?"

"Nah, only with homework. Anyway, don't feel guilty: Mum says you do really well with Tilly."

"That's very kind of you. Still, I'm sorry your Mum's so late and you're stuck with me."

"Well, you being here is better than being dragged off to stand on some muddy rugby pitch."

"Why, thank you Eryn; it's nice to know that I'm better than a cold, muddy pitch," I retort in mock affront. "Perhaps I should tell you that I like being here better than going to the dentist!"

"Hey, not fair!" Eryn complains. "That's the last time I tell you I like you."

"Is that what you meant?" I ask surprised and touched.

"Yeah, and not just because Mum's happier since you started coming to look after us; she really likes you too." Oh, bless the simple openness of a child. Still, it makes me feel appreciated

"A pity Jake's not so impressed." He and I get on okay but he's always been quite reserved and distant with me. She looks at me with a thoughtful look that reminds me a lot of Tanwen.

"I think Jake misses Dad more than any of us. They did loads together, especially the rugby. I think that's why Mum really wants to watch him play so often."

I hesitate before asking, "Eryn, do you miss him?"

"Um... yeah... but only a bit," she adds hastily. I place my hand on hers.

"It's okay to miss him; it doesn't make you disloyal to your Mum." She nods.

"I guess not. I hate what he did, you know, seeing those women instead of being here with Mum and us... You know one of them, one of the women, Jacquie he said her name was, in Portsmouth... they have a little boy..." Fuck! It seems like I'm the only woman who can't get pregnant. I see the look of hurt on Eryn's face and feel like crap for having such a selfish thought. "That's where Dad is: with her and their new kid. Huh, my half-brother, I guess." She looks at me questioningly. "Did Mum tell you?"