The Sunshine Project - Pt. 01

Chapter 1

Jess

He left me the barn and everything in it, including the black horse he knew I loved so much. So why do I feel hollow as I stare at what's left of his things? The stale air in here has never bothered me until now, maybe because he was always with me when I was in here. Or maybe because he's gone and all that remains of him are material things that can never fill my heart the way he did.

"Look at the bright side, Jess. He gave you more than he gave any of his other grandkids." Allie--best friend and cohort in all of life's adventures--tries to encourage me. There is no way to comfort a heart that had someone it loved torn out so abruptly. Grandpa Gus was the only family I had left after what happened. Everyone blamed me too, except him. He was the only one who believed me and had my back.

"Yeah," I mumble, watching Cora walk through the old barn. The building leans on its foundation. It has since the day I came to live here nearly seven years ago. Grandpa said that's what gave it charm. Cora's mother, Glenda the "Good Witch" Knapke, said it should be burned as a practice fire for the fire department. But it's mine now and the tiny three-acre plot allotted to me in the will.

Cora glares at me and smirks. The old nineteen seventy-eight Thunderbird convertible that GG--Grandpa Gus--parked in this barn is gone. I watched Glenda and her husband move it out of here before the reading of the will, as if they knew what GG intended for me to have and they wanted everything of value out of this space. It's rightfully my car, but Cora will drive it around like some fucking roadster queen while I drive my beat-up Ford Focus. All because they read the will before the lawyer did.

I hate her. I hate this whole family. I don't even belong here. I don't belong anywhere. My stepdad's in prison, my mother god only knows where. I haven't spoken to her since she ran off with my high-school chemistry teacher after leaving my stepfather. At least she left him. She never believed me, but she was so grossed out by the thought of what might have happened that she couldn't stay with him.

"You're thinking about it again. Aren't you?" Allie nudges me with her elbow, and I turn away from Cora.

"No," I say firmly, but she knows me too well. "Let's just get out of here." I turn to go, but Glenda walks into the barn carrying a large clear tote. I can see through the translucent plastic that it's filled with old toy guns. Her head bobbles like a cheap Barbie with a broken neck, and she smirks at me as she carelessly tosses the box onto the ground.

"This was supposed to be Cora's." She dusts her hands as if the plastic gave her cooties or something. The week has been bad enough without having to interact with these people. GG died on Sunday afternoon in his sleep. Massive coronary, the doctors said. They planned the wake for Tuesday, and the will reading for today, Thursday evening. These people only care about one thing--money. Grandpa Gus was always right. He told me a million times why I was his favorite. Because I was here for him, not what he could give me.

"Then Cora can take it. It's only fair." I have to fight to keep the hatred out of my tone. Everything of GG's is sacred to me, even his old toy collection.

"Nah," Cora mewls, "broken toys for the broken girl." She smirks and walks over to the shelf of antique lamps, drawing a finger through the dust. When she looks over her shoulder, it's to glare at me. Then she and Glenda leave the barn, and I drop my head.

"Jess, I know you're really hurting. Those bitches know nothing, okay? You belong here." Allie forces me to turn to face her, and she wraps her arms around me. Tears sting my eyes.

"He wasn't even my grandpa. They've told me a million times that I don't belong here." I let her hold me, but my arms hang limp at my sides. I have no energy left for even crying.

"Like I said, they're bitches." Allie pushes me away and looks me in the eye. "He gave you more than all the other grandkids got. That should tell you something."

I swipe at my eyes and shrug. "I want him, not money."

"Come on, let's go home. We'll come back later to feed Jackson, but we'll take what we can now." Allie walks over to the tub of old toys and picks it up. I follow her, not much in the mood for caring about anything. I want a hot bath, a glass of some really strong liquor, and maybe if I'm lucky a string of gooning to some sexy lesbian porn or something. Anything to make me feel something other than angry and sad.

"Want me to sleep over?" she asks. She knows how hard it is losing GG. I spent every single evening with him having dinner and watching the Reds games. And in fall we'd tune in to the Bengals games. Those would carry us through almost to March Madness, and then it would start over. I hate sports, but I loved GG.

"Nah. I think I want to be alone tonight."

We walk down the long winding path past the pasture where Jackson grazes. His ears prick, and he turns them toward me as I pass. There is a silent exchange between us. I know he feels my pain too. Horses are such incredible creatures. They sense the emotion in their human and seek to comfort even when they have no words to speak or arms to embrace. Jackson loved GG too.

"Girl, you got a fucking horse." Allie snickers as if having a horse means I've made it big or something. Or maybe she's just a crazy horse girl. I roll my eyes at her, and I can't help but smile. She is the only person in the world who can make me smile when I'm feeling like this.

"I'd rather have GG." I feel like that line will be my new motto, at least for a few months or years.

"God, someone needs to mow this grass." She shakes her leg and stumbles a little. The grass is a bit long, almost to the knee, but three weeks ago GG's old tractor broke down, so it's been a while since it was mowed. I guess I'll have to hire a lawn service to take care of it since it's mine now.

I look up ahead on the path and see Cora and Glenda swatting at invisible insects. If Allie is getting bitten up by bugs, I can only imagine what those two are feeling. They drench themselves in every sort of stinky perfume. It probably attracts everything from flies to hornets. I can't help but snicker at them, especially Cora, who smacks her own leg at least a hundred times.

"Morons, wearing skirts and heels to a barn and wading through tall grass." It's like they weren't raised on the same property. Like they don't know what living in the country means. GG sold one invention after leaving the military, and this whole family went money crazy. They act like fucking Paris Hilton on steroids.

"Ouch," Allie mutters, and I realize she's wearing a skirt too.

"God, I'm sorry." Instant guilt floods me. Allie is so frickin' cute in her flouncy skirt and crop top with combat boots to finish off her goth look. And don't get me started on her slim-thick figure. Sometimes I hate being skinny as a rail.

"It's okay. I know you didn't mean it."

Cora struts right to her--my--car and dangles the keys from a single finger. I don't want the car. I just want people to realize that GG is dead. That someone who isn't even a blood relative cares more than the people who came directly from his loins. "I hate them," I mutter, and Allie clears her throat.

"Look," she says as we approach where Cora is fussing over the thin layer of dust that coats the car. With so many people in and out of the drive today, it's no wonder the thing is filthy again after they washed it earlier this morning. "These toys, some of them look like collectors. I bet you have like a hundred grand in here or something. And what you don't sell, you can wash up and take to the daycare. Hell, you might have enough to finish your degree and build a new house on the property here."

Cora glares at us as we walk past. I avoid eye contact and glance into the tub. "Maybe.... With the fifty grand from the will, it's possible."

"You know Gus just wanted you to have a great start in life. Let's go back to your place and have a drink to celebrate him. Okay?"

"Yeah." I slink into Allie's little Jeep, and she loads the tub into the back seat and climbs in. For the first time in as many years as I've known her the car ride across town is silent. I'm thankful for a friend who is comfortable in the silence as much as in lively conversation.

She parks in my driveway and shuts off the engine. The little craftsman has been what I called home for three months now, and ever since I moved out of GG's house, I saw his health decline. He wanted me to start my life, grow up and spread my wings. I wanted to stay and care for him.

Turns out Glenda has been staying there several nights a week to "care for her father," despite not caring one single bit the entire time I lived there. I tug the door open and wish she was standing beside the car so I could slam it into her and knock her over. Grief is such a funny emotion. At times it's sadness; others it's rage. Right now as I slide out of the Jeep with my heart in a million pieces it's longing.

I want to go watch the World Series.

Allie grabs the tub and follows me up the short path to the front door. The home is a rental; GG hooked me up through one of his friends. Otherwise I'd still be searching. The housing market is so slim right now, and I barely make a livable wage, let alone my college bills. The money he left will go a long way toward helping with all of that. The car would have helped too. Mine is on the fritz.

I hear Shep barking, my German Shephard-Husky mix. Grandpa got him for me, so I'm pretty attached. I slide my key into the lock and turn it, and before the door is all the way open, Shep is there burying his nose in my crotch like normal. "Get back, Shep!" I push him out of the way, and he attacks Allie in the same manner as she juggles the tub of toys.

"Holy cow, why does he always do this?" She snickers and lowers the tub to cover her groin and moves in past me so I can shut the door.

"Let's go out..." I pass through the living room into the kitchen area and open the sliding door to my fenced-in backyard. Shep darts out the door onto the patio, and I slide the door shut, offering Allie some relief. She sets the tub on the sofa and follows me into the kitchen.

"Sure you don't want me to stay?" Allie's lips curve downward in a pout, but I know she's not trying to guilt trip me. She's too kind for that.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I think I just want a hot bath or something." Something like an entire bottle of Evan Williams cherry bourbon and a chick flick.

"Alright," she says, reaching for my hand, "call if you need anything." I hook my pinky around hers and nod.

"I will."

Allie lets herself out, and I hear her Jeep pull away. I dish up some food for Shep and fill his water bowl, then let him back in. He's calmer now, but I'm not. I shut the sliding door and lock it, then sit on the floor next to it. Shep all but climbs in my lap trying to comfort me. His long tongue laps up my entire, face and I wrap my arms around him and listen to his heart beating.

"He's really gone, Shep. GG isn't coming back." His fur smells, sort of like wet dog and rain in the air, but I bury my face in his chest and breathe him in. He whimpers and nose whistles a bit, so I let him go. After another few licks to the face, he heads to his food dish, and I head upstairs to the bedroom. Man's best friend? More like furry garbage disposal. I can't blame him though. He has been locked up all day, and he's probably hungry.

As I walk past the bathroom, I decide I don't have energy to have a bath after all. I'm tired, and there is a bottle of Jack on my nightstand waiting for me. It's been there since I got the call that GG was gone. I didn't believe them. I went straight to his house and passed the coroner's van as it was leaving the property. I didn't bother going up there; I drove straight to the liquor store and bought the bottle, and I've sipped on it every night, but tonight, I just need a little more.

Tired as I am, I grab the remote and strip down to my t-shirt and panties and climb into bed to mope. The bottle of Jack keeps me company. I sip it every few minutes as I watch my favorite chick flick, Kate and Leopold. When it gets to the part where Kate gives her speech and runs out to find the love of her life, I'm a ball of tears. This movie isn't helping me feel better; it's reminding me that not only do I not have GG anymore, I also have no one else. Allie is my only friend; no woman will look my direction--maybe because of my resting bitch face but who knows--and Shep isn't human, so he doesn't count.

I turn the streaming movie off and switch to a different app, inadvertently clicking on my favorite porn app. I didn't mean to but now that it's on, I don't change it. Maybe this will get my mind off of the pain lingering in my chest. I take a huge swig of the whiskey and scroll the dozens of videos I've favorited over the few months I've had this subscription. Being a lonely girl with a penchant for other women, there isn't a lot of action around here, and that makes me even more lonely. If anyone knew what I was like I'd be run out of town.

GG knew. He supported me. I guess that mattered up until Sunday night. Now I have no one but Allie. She's not exactly relationship type though. We kissed once under the mistletoe at her family Christmas, but we were being silly while we were kissing, and she slipped me the tongue. Maybe that's what awakened my desire for women. Who knows...

The TV stares back at me as two horny bitches get it on. I've seen it a dozen times but it still gets to me, makes my body ache. At first, I don't have the emotional energy to do much, but when blondie starts to finger the brunette and spits on her pussy and rubs it, I find myself touching, taking another swig of Jack. The liquor makes my head swim and my body loose and warm.

Now, with an aching vagina, I have to do something or I'm going to lay here in torment all night. I take my dildo out of the nightstand drawer and use an alcohol wipe to clean it off. Then I shimmy my panties down, eyes glued to the television. She's licking the brunette now, sucking her and fingering her. I have the sound muted because the way women in these things sound is fucking gross. Like, seriously, women don't sound like that. It's so fake.

I turn the vibrator on and slide it in, slowly thrusting and touching myself. It usually works pretty quickly, a minute or two, and it's over and the ache is gone, but I go at it for a while, fifteen minutes and my arm is tired and no fucking orgasm, and by now I'm totally wasted.

I start to cry, legs spread, dildo hanging out of me, tears streaming down my face. I can't even fuck myself into relief. Nothing is working. Nothing feels good. I am hurting, and I want help.

The dildo slides from my body, still vibrating, and I turn on my side and grab my phone and open the messaging app. I want Allie to come over and watch TV with me, keep me company. Anything to distract my mind from the fact that I'm completely alone.

Jess 11:27 PM: Girl, I need you... please

Allie is always awake, and I know she will respond. In the meantime, my pussy is just throbbing. Maybe if I can play a little more, I will feel better when she gets here.

Allie 11:29 PM: Aw, I told you I should have slept over. Want me to bring a bottle of vodka?

I'm so wasted and confused, I drunk type and hope I send the right message. My eyes are barely working, and the dildo is vibrating against my thigh.

Jess 11:31 PM: This thing isn't and I need relief... Even the porno didn't work.

It's a few minutes before she responds. I assume she's getting ready or something. I slide the dildo back into my body and thrust it a little, massaging my clit. No matter how much I fuck myself I just can't get my body to do what it's supposed to do. I whimper and whine, and I even hear Shep scratching at my door like he's worried about me. Then my phone vibrates.

Allie 11:37 PM: Not sure what you're trying to say, but I'm on my way. Give me ten minutes.

I just want her to distract me, maybe pick a comedy and sit beside me until I fall asleep or something. Being alone when I feel so depressed is like the worst feeling in the world. No one understands how awful it is until they experience it themselves, and I hate this experience. It gives me so much compassion for other people who are depressed.

The video ends and the next one automatically plays, a man and two women. I press skip because male genitalia are just gross, and the next one is a video of two women scissoring. I can only imagine the fake sounds they're making, but the way their pussies slide across one another is so hot it gets me going. I get right up to the edge, but I can't get off. My body just won't release. I'm so into it I don't even hear Allie come in, or Shep bark at her.

So when she opens the door and sees me masturbating and looks at the porn, she starts to back out of the room with eyes wide open. I gasp and shake my head.

"No! Allie, don't leave. Please, nothing is working." I don't want to be alone anymore, but I think I've scared her. My hands keep going like they have a mind of their own, probably the Jack in my system.

"Girl...?" She says it like a question, and I collapse back on the bed again, letting the vibrating toy plop out of me. This time it falls onto the floor, and I curl into a ball and cry.

"Nothing is working dammit! I can't get off. I can't enjoy a movie. Jack Daniels is a fucking cunt, and all I want is to stop hurting."

"Hey, I'm here," she coos. I watch her kick her shoes off and drop her sweater on my dresser. She flips the app off, turning to a channel with some sitcoms running, and then she climbs into bed with me. "Look, I get it." She scoots as close to me as she can get and holds me. "I understand. I'm not judging you. You're really hurting."

"I just wanted to get off. Why isn't my body working?" I can hear my own slurred words, and I hate myself. I've never been so drunk in all my life.

"Let's go get some coffee, okay?" Allie pushes some hair out of my face as she holds me. "Maybe if you sober up, you'll feel better and it will work for you."

I don't want coffee. I want to come. But I get out of bed and let her drag me downstairs--after putting panties on. I don't need Shep that up close and personal with his damn sniffing habit. This could be a long fucking night. My best friend has seen me at my lowest now. It's not like she doesn't know I masturbate, or like she doesn't do it too. We just don't do it in front of each other like a pack of horny guys watching midget porn.

"I'm sorry. I thought I'd finish before you came."

"That's what she said," Allie says, snickering, and flips on the kitchen lights for me to wobble over to the bar and sit down. "Alright, you want flavored or plain?" She stares at me, and I sway on my seat trying to blink my eyes into focus so there aren't two of her.

"Whiskey please," I slur, then I hiccup. Shep sits at my feet, licking my outer thigh. He's just sensitive to the fact that I'm in emotional pain. I try to push him away with my hand but he licks that too. "Gross, Shep." I shove him hard, but he comes right back. Sometimes I think he feels like he's my parent and needs to care for me.

"Alright, flavored it is." Allie turns her back and gets the Keurig brewing a cup, and Shep starts literally attacking me, jumping up on me until I almost fall off the barstool. Allie rushes to my side and uses his collar to pull him off. "Out you go, you bad boy," she tells him as she opens the door and throws him out. I hear a clap of thunder. That's perfect--weather that fits my mood, that will make my dog a mud ball.

I bury my face in my hands and sigh. "He's going to smell so bad."

"Yeah, well at least he's not pouncing on you. He can really tell you're upset, huh?" Allie sighs and goes back to the coffee maker which has now finished my cup of coffee. She adds some cream and sugar and sets it in front of me. "Now, drink."