The Trainwreck Woman

A quick, fun scene that popped into my head out of nowhere. No sex, in this one. But the stage is being set...

The Trainwreck Woman

By

Amber Solis

"Trev, did you know many men have three kinds of women in their life?"

"Only three, Kiara?"

"Point," she said. "There's lots more women in a man's life than they ever stop and think about. But that's just men, being oblivious. And women, always taking care of all of you. Guys don't pay attention to anything, so all your women have to work together to keep your lives stitched together and moving forward."

We were having lunch at my favorite restaurant, "The Pancakes House." It's like some other more widely known chains, but with less emphasis on decor and presentation. A Mom & Pop outfit, on Galveston Island. They put the emphasis on just plain great food, and lots of it, piled high on the plate and served hot and with a smile. And they kept my glass of unsweet iced tea constantly refilled, which is a bigger job than you would think, because I sucked down unsweet iced tea by the gallon, at lunch.

Of course, she noticed I had not said anything for several moments.

"Oh, my God!" she said. "You're already doing the math, aren't you? XY-number of men, XX-number of women, in a given societal sampling value of 1,500 minimum not to exceed 4,500 maximum, averaged out over a period of 33 years projected average fertility lifetime-"

I held up a hand and said, "Stop!"

"What?" she demanded. "I'm wrong?"

"No, not at all," I've said. "I've just about got the equations finalized... just need something to write on..."

At that moment, the owner's lovely young daughter, who worked there as a waitress, plunked down a stack of napkins and a pen in front of me. I took the gifts from Heaven and started scribbling on them.

I heard Kiara say something, but I wasn't there, anymore, other than physically. If I had been listening, I'd have heard Kiara say,

"Dorothy!" Dorothy being the name of the owner's daughter, "You are such a sweetheart! How did you know?"

"Oh, we've seen the light come on in Mr. Trevor's eyes, many times, Ms. Kiara" she said, her 18-year-old cheeks blushing with heart-aching beauty. If I had noticed. Which I didn't.

If I had been paying attention to the so-called real world, I would have seen Kiara then reach out and take Dorothy's hand, and say, "Corazon, we have spoken of this many times, before. My name, for you, is Kiara. We have established this fact many times."

Dorothy giggled, and said, "I'm sorry, Kiara." If I had been paying attention, my toes would have curled when I heard the affection she put into the name "Kiara." But of course, I wasn't. "Kiara. How can I make it up to you?"

"My penalty for you is," Kiara said, "You must let me kiss you on the cheek, at the door, when we leave."

"Oh," Dorothy said. "How cruel! I never want you to leave, but now I can't wait until you do! And then I will be sad all the more."

"Then I hope you have learned your lesson," Kiara said, and kissed her hand. Dorothy fairly skipped away, as she went to see to the other tables.

Me? I was lost in the world of math. I saw none of this beauty unfolding before me in real life, as I chased down the beauty of what the mathematical world could reveal to me in Kiara's initial premise.

Kiara and I were just about as close to an illustration of "polar opposites," as two people can be. She was barely 5'-2" tall, 30, Hispanic, raven haired, and unbearably curvy and pretty. Politically and culturally liberal. She had three kids she loved, a husband she was waiting to get rid of, and she was smart, fun, and just the picture of a woman full of life, despite having suffered through a lot of the worst life has to offer. But she carried it all in the way some women do that only makes them even more beautiful, to everyone who encounters her.

I looked up at her, and said, "My math shows the number is around five."

"Ugh!" she said, loudly, rolling her eyes like only a Latina can do, and said, "OBVIOUSLY, disregarding Mothers and Sisters!"

I took a breath to say something, and she said, "Aunts and Female Cousins, too! My premise is limited to long-term, loving, sexual, relationships!"

"Oh," I said. I looked back at my notes, scrawled on the napkins, and, partially across the tablecloth, too, where I'd scribbled and lost track of napkin available equational real-estate value, defined as "NAER-EV, sub-1." Ok, I'd have to pay extra for that, I made a mental note of it. To compensate the owners for the expense, and because I needed those equations! "Thennnn... I only get two?"

"And which two are they, my genius?" She said this, placing her chin on her hands, and fluttering her eyelashes, the very picture of innocence.

"You know that makes it hard for me to concentrate when you do that," I said.

"And yet," she said, "You wonder why I do it?"

"We've know each other for a year, now," I said. "So I know better than to ask why. ANYWAY! I get two. And one is a girl. The first time in a boy's life he finds he has a crush on a girl. And the second is: The woman he takes as a wife. So there you go. Two!"

She smiled, and said, "It amuses me to no end that you think a man "takes" a woman as his wife. But we'll shelve that emotional freight train for another time."

"Thank you," I said, sincerely. "We're going to have to exclude a lot of extraneous, yet possibly very relevant, elements in this discussion."

She looked at me, surprised. I have to admit, I loved it when I surprised her!

"You actually mean that," she said. "My God, I'm learning to speak Trevor! I am actually learning how to communicate with you."

"We have been associates for over a year, now," I said. And that, too, made her sit back in seat, her eyes wide.

"You... you noticed?" she said. "You? Actually noticed?"

"I'm getting concerned that your eyes may be suffering some sort of allergic irritant," I said, "I can see tears forming in them."

"Allergies," she said. "Just as you predicted. Must be the salt-water air from the Bay. But you... you noticed... how I've been in your life? And how long?"

"Why do you think I'm buying your lunch?" I said. "It's our one-year anniversary!"

She surprised me by putting her face in her hands and crying.

Dorothy came over to our table. Dorothy's Mom came over to our table! They were stroking Kiara's back and shoulders and speaking to her in Spanish, which, I must admit, I understood not one word of. I had always intended to study it, it's a lovely language, and darned convenient to be able to speak, in Texas, of course. But, like so many other things in life, I had never found the time.

"What did you say to her?" Dorothy demanded, her nearly black-brown eyes smoldering with a fire I had never seen. I was struck by how amazingly lovely she was when she was angry, as by the implied threat in her glare. How interesting!

"Just that I was buying her lunch because it was our one-year anniversary-"

That was as far as I got, because then they were both leaning forward to me, and kissing my cheeks, their other hands rubbing my shoulders. Then they went back and kissed Kiara's cheeks.

Sensing I was no longer in immediate trouble, I went back to finishing up my equations, which took a few minutes. At the end, however, I looked up, to find Kiara was holding on to my left hand. Her grip was firm, warm, and now that I was aware of it, highly disconcerting! She didn't let go of my hand, either.

"Trevor? How old are you?"

"I'm 51," I said.

"Oh. I'm 30. That doesn't seem like too big a difference, does it?"

"Kiddo," I said, laughing. "The day you were born, I was 21. A legal adult. That's how much difference there is, between us, in our ages."

"oh," she said. I could tell that wasn't the answer she had been looking for.

"I don't realize where you were going with that," I said, "But that's par for the course of a lot of our conversations, right?"

"Too true," she said, smiling. I had grown to love seeing her smile!

"But, anyway, as to your initially stated premise, I still only get two women. A boy's first crush, and his wife."

"You're missing one," she said. "A big one. One that will have, or at least could have, a HUGE impact on a man's life."

"His doctor?" I said. "I had neglected, entirely, to consider a man might have a female doctor! And possibly his accountant! No reason a man can't have a female accountant, right? I'll have to redo all of these equations-"

"NO!" she said. "His Trainwreck Woman!"

"I've never heard that term," I said. "Trainwreck Woman?"

"Yes. The woman who comes along in a man's life, when he least expects it. Who turns his whole life upside down. The one who wrecks his marriage, possibly estranges him from his own children, causes him to lose his job, and end up a hopeless alcoholic marking time until he dies, alone, homeless, in a gutter. Whereas his first crush, and wife, are, generally, very good things in a man's life, the Trainwreck Woman is nothing but disaster and calamity and destruction in a man's life!"

"Good Heavens!" I said, shocked. "Is there actually such a thing? I mean, ok, taken at face value, I can see how she would be a huge part in a man's life. We'll assign her the variable "TW, sub-1," and then we can map out some distribution curves-"

She took my hands, and said, "Trevor. I'm telling you this for a reason. You are in danger of encountering your Trainwreck Woman. She's out there, whether you realize it or not, and she is looking for you. If she doesn't already have you in her sights!"

"Kiara, I don't see women as threats! I don't even know how!"

"I know," she said. "Believe me, I know! But it's ok, Trevor. I can spot them from a mile away. And I'll watch out for them, for you."

I was starting to panic. "But... what about Dorothy? And her Mother, Gabriella?"

"They're ok, Trevor."

"Oh, thank Heavens. I like them!"

"I know you do, my love."

"What?" I asked.

"What?" She repeated.

"You called me "my love," just now."

"Did I?" She asked.

"You did!"

"Oh, Trevor, don't worry. It's just a Spanish/English translation thing. Just a term of endearment between colleagues who work closely together."

"Oh," I said. "Whew. Imagine if you were my Trainwreck Woman? Coming in under my radar, so to speak?"

She had somehow taken both of my hands in hers, by this point. I'm still not sure how or when that happened! She laughed. Which, I admit, I had grown to love hearing her laugh, and said, "Oh, wouldn't that be funny?"

We finished our lunch, paid at the register, and went to leave, when there was Dorothy, standing by the door.

"Kiara, I am ready for my penalty, now. You did promise."

"Yes, Corazon, I did. Very well. Present your cheek."

Dorothy turned her face, Kiara reached out to her cheek, gently turned her face back to hers, and kissed her on the lips! Dorothy accepted the kiss. It lasted several seconds. I guess that's how Hispanic women kiss? I'd work up some charts on that, when we got back to the lab, later.

As we exited the door, Kiara said, "What did you think of that, Trev?"

"Lucky girl, that Dorothy," I said.

"Really?"

"Sure! That couldn't have been all bad."

"Would you like to find out how nice it was?"

"Sure. But I'm more concerned about keeping an eye out for this Trainwreck Woman you mentioned. If the threat is as real as you say, a guy can't be too vigilant!"

I had walked on several steps before I realized Kiara had stopped. I turned and looked back, and she was staring at me, mouth hanging open, looking stunned.

"Kiara?" I said.

"What does a girl have to do, Trevor? GOD!" She stormed past me, all the way back into the lab, and didn't say another word to me until quitting time, four hours later.

"Trevor, I'm sorry about how I acted, earlier."

I looked up from my notes, and said, "Huh? What? When?"

Kiara came around my desk, kissed me on the cheek, and said, "Trevor, my love, don't ever change."

"If you keep that up, I'm afraid I might get accustomed to it," I said.

"See you tomorrow, my love," she said.

END

And no, this story is not over!