The Trojan Lasagna Ch. 02 - Second Helping

Wow, that was mind-boggling. Donna Landecker, the super-confident woman who I always viewed as accomplished, independent, and fearless, was, in fact, sensitive and insecure, much like me. What she said next, though, really shocked me.

"The more I've thought about it, for you and I to be exclusive while you're at school isn't fair to you. You may very well find someone closer to your age, a girl who can give you the children that I can't."

She paused, took a calming breath, then dropped a bomb on me, saying. "It very well may mean losing you, but if you find someone else, I'll completely understand." Oh no! This couldn't be happening! I felt my body growing numb.

"As far as my situation, I won't be wasting my time with any more arrogant middle-aged Lotharios like Ashton Hayes," she assured me, "I know now that I deserve better, and I have you to thank for that knowledge." She leaned in and softly pressed her lips to mine. "I do love you, Josh, but I don't want to hold you back."

Before I could react, she was inside, and her door was closed. For five minutes I stood there like a statue, paralyzed while my brain attempted to comprehend what the fuck had just happened. Rosalie dropping me had felt like a knife in my heart, but Donna telling me I was a free man was more like a howitzer shell to the chest.

Somehow, I managed to make it back to Terry's apartment, empty now except for the few things I had. The rent was paid through the end of the month, but he'd already moved out. After the honeymoon he and Janine would be living in her place. For the rest of the night, I just laid there in my sleeping bag, looking at the empty walls and trying to deal with the loss of another love. I felt like King Midas, except in reverse; everything I touched turned to shit. Eventually I fell asleep, even as I tried to make sense of it all.

+++++

Chicago, Illinois -- October, 1986

The next two months were certainly exciting -- living on-campus in Chicago was very different from living in quiet little Fairburn - but also a little rough. The few times I tried to called Donna, she never answered. I'd also written her several letters, telling her how much I loved her, missed her, and insisting had no interest in seeing anyone but her. There was, surprise surprise, no reply.

Not wanting to pressure Donna, I didn't specifically come out and put in writing that I still wanted to marry her, but if I didn't heavily imply it, I deserved to flunk my Advanced English course.

My heartfelt letters having gone unanswered, I'd be lying if I told you the silence didn't hurt. In the last few months, heartache and I had somehow become old friends, which sucked.

Honestly, even if I wanted to date other people -- which I didn't - I didn't have time for it. While my scholarship took care of basic tuition/housing and I had money saved for books, I still needed pocket money for food and incidentals. To that end, I took a job washing dishes at the University Food Center; when I wasn't in class or studying, I was washing cups, trays, and silverware.

I was averaging about four or five hours of sleep a night, but thanks to my job I was allowed free coffee at the Food Center. Powered by sheer determination and caffeine, I somehow managed to keep my head academically above water most days.

My dormitory was a 13-story building called Chichester Hall, where I roomed on floor 11. It was a two-person room, but my roommate Alex seldom slept in his bed. He'd recently fallen in love with a local bartender, (an older woman in her 40s -- hell of a coincidence, right?) so most nights he slept in her apartment. One night I came home from the library, and as I was about to unlock the door I heard music coming from inside.

At first I thought it was just Alex, but then I remembered he didn't have a radio in our room. I did, a lightly-used 1985 JVC PC-200W model AM/FM radio boom-box with cassette player that my brother Terry had given me during his moving out of the apartment. Then I recognized the song and heard the lyrics; it was Cyndi Lauper singing Time After Time:

"If you're lost, you can look and you will find me,

Time after time

If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting,

Time after time

If you're lost, you can look and you will find me,

Time after time

If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting,

Time after time."

For some reason the song made me think of Donna. Although I never stopped hoping she'd wait for me, after two months of no contact I was sure she'd found someone else. Squeezing my eyes shut to endure the emotional twinge that memories of her brought out in me, I put my room key in the lock.

The song faded out as I opened the door, followed by an overexcited WLS announcer reading ad copy:

"SUNDAY-SUNDAY-SUNDAY! at smokin' US 30 Drag Strip, see Roger Lindamood driving his 'Color Me Gone' Charger going head-to-head down the quarter mile against Bob Glidden in his Pro-Stock Thunderbird! Free admission for 15 and under! SUNDAY-SUNDAY-SUNDAY! BE THERE!!!!"

Drag racing was the last thing on my mind, however, especially when I saw who was sitting in my dorm room desk chair: Donna! My jaw literally dropped, my mouth gaping in surprise as she stood to explain. I got the impression she was happy to see me, her words just spilled out.

"Hello, darling. I'm sorry about not calling, but I didn't have your phone number here in the dorm. The Resident Assistant at the front desk was kind enough to give me your room number and a key when I mentioned I was a close friend of yours. The way he was ogling me, though, I probably could have told him I was a serial killer, and it wouldn't have made a difference."

She walked towards me, looking fantastic as always in tight Ralph Lauren jeans, a Chicago University sweatshirt, and red Converse All-Star high-tops. Her white hair, shoulder-length now, was tied back in a ponytail, and seeing her again it was difficult to hold back my tears.

I managed the wherewithal to turn and close the door, only to turn back and find myself wrapped in Donna's arms, her lips passionately pressed to mine. My textbooks, highlighters and study guides fell from my hands as I returned her kiss with equal fervor. We stood there for at least a minute exchanging kisses until we had to stop for air. Taking a breather from our reunification, we sat down on the edge on my bed, and she began to pour her heart out to me.

"I read and re-read your letters so often that I lost count. All of them. You really love me, don't you?"

I should have been angry at that question, I mean, I'd said it enough times in the damned letters, but this was my Donna; I just couldn't. "I told you that before I left for school. I was the one who wanted us to be exclusive, remember?"

"Yes, you said that, but I felt like agreeing would be denying you a life of your own."

I paused for a moment; dark thoughts began creeping in. "You never answered my letters. I know I have no right to ask you this, but have you been seeing anyone since I've been here?"

"No, no one," she quickly assured me, and internally relief swept over me. "I didn't answer your letters only because I felt going no-contact would be the best way for you to forget about me."

Incredulous, I laughed. "You're kidding, right? What part about me loving you would make you think that would ever work?"

"When I told Addy yesterday, she became quite upset and asked me the same thing. She forced me to face the fact that how I treated you was incredibly stupid."

Adeline Parker again? Although I'd never actually met Addy, this statement pretty much gained her permanent 'friend for life' status with me. "So is that what got you to finally come visit me?"

"Unfortunately, no. I mean, if I hadn't already planned to, that would have motivated me, but something else has come up. I haven't been keeping well lately."

Before she could continue, my caffeine-fueled brain panicked and immediately started a list of possible things that might be wrong: breast cancer, heart disease, kidney disease, leukemia, what could possibly be afflicting my lover?

Struggling to maintain a calm demeanor, I took her hand and asked, "What exactly is bothering you?"

"I've been feeling nauseous and achy a lot, so I went to the doctor. He ordered some bloodwork and an ultrasound to see if my kidneys were functioning properly." Just the thought of Donna having a kidney problem filled me with dread. Would she need a transplant, or maybe dialysis?

"If you need a transplant, I want to be the first one they test for a donor match," I volunteered.

"Josh, thank you, that's very sweet, but I don't need a donor, my kidneys are fine. This is rather awkward, but what I needed to tell you is the ultrasound they gave me showed I'm 10 weeks pregnant."

I was so stunned by this news that I would have crumpled to the ground if I hadn't already been sitting down. I managed to stammer out, "How is that possible? You told me your doctor said your baby-making days were over."

"Yes, well, at the time my gynecologist told me my reproduction days were about to end, but that was based on my being a widow and not in a relationship. I'd told her I was done having sex. You, however, upset that particular apple cart." Stunned, I quickly flashed back on all the times we'd had unprotected sex -- some days multiple times.

Donna took my hand and squeezed it gently. "I realize this is not something you ever signed up for, I'm only telling you because you deserve to know. You're young and bright, with a great life ahead of you. I love you very much, enough that I don't want to tie you down and keep you from doing great things."

My head still spinning, I managed to stammer, "What about you and your choices?"

"That depends on what you decide to do." Her eyes filled with tears. "Money's not an issue, but my age is. This is a high-risk pregnancy, so I'll be on bed rest and quite limited as to how much I can do. The bottom line is, I can't physically go through having this baby by myself, Josh."

Now that Donna had put it out there, the emotion she'd been holding in so well broke loose; she began crying. Taking her in my arms to comfort her, my brain started processing things at a hundred miles an hour. There were a lot of uncertainties in my mind, questions about where I was going with my studies and what I wanted to do after graduation.

One thing for sure, though: I loved Donna, loved her so much that I really wanted to marry her. That hadn't changed.

After Donna's flow of tears slowed, I wiped her wet cheeks, dabbing at her eyes with a facial tissue. "Did I not make it clear that I loved you even before I left for school?" Slightly sniffling, she nodded. "And you knew I wanted to marry you, right?" Smiling, she nodded again. I gave her a soft, slow kiss to emphasize my point. Damn, she smelled good.

Then I gave her my answer. "Just because a baby wasn't planned doesn't mean it's unwanted. My own prom-conceived brother is living proof of that. Donna, I really want this baby, and I really, really want to be married to you."

"What about your degree?"

"I can transfer my credits to Indiana College so we can live in Fairburn at your place. That way we'll be together and I can take care of you while I'm finishing my degree."

Donna sat quiet for a few moments, then quietly asked, "Do you plan on proposing?"

I thought about it for a moment, then said, "No."

The surprise on her face demonstrated she was expecting me to automatically say yes, but I realized I'd made it too easy for her, as I had with her daughter. With Rosalie, I worked my ass off to gain her attention and affection, only to be cold-heartedly dumped. Donna wasn't cold-hearted, but I was done with being her uncertainty about our relationship.

"I'm not going to propose to you, I want you to propose to me," I told her. "Remember how you shut me out at the end of our first date, after deciding that you weren't right for me? If I hadn't pushed back and told you that wasn't your decision to make, that would have ended things. And then, once again deciding on your own what was best for me, when I left for college you tried to make me forget about you for two agonizing months. If not for our baby, you still wouldn't be in contact!"

I was inadvertently raising my voice as I became increasingly agitated.

"You're right." Donna said it so softly I could barely hear her. But I wasn't done yet, now I was on a roll.

"If the only reason you're here is that you're pregnant, that's just not good enough. You know I love you, but I don't want to go through another episode where you decide what's best for me and shut me out. I have to know for sure that you really love and want me, that you're not going to change your mind again. Damn it, Donna, I absolutely adore you, but I'm tired of your indecision. I need to be convinced you feel the same way! Just like it says in that Cheap Trick song, 'I want YOU to want ME'!"

Breathing hard now, I paused my diatribe for a moment to calm myself and gather my wits.

Disentangling myself from her arms, I stood up. I was surprised at how emotional I'd become, my vision blurred; I could no longer hold back my tears. It was a powerful thing, me realizing I was now done being a fucking doormat. Calmer now, I tried to be gentler in making my point, as if back on my high school debate team.

"You've always acted like you respected me, and treated me like a man -- except when denying my feelings about you. I really want to be this baby's father, but I won't marry you without assurances that you really love me. Stop vacillating and make up your mind, Donna Landecker. Do you really love me enough to marry me, or will you change your mind for a 3rd damned time?"

I took two steps towards the door and put my hand on the doorknob. My anger had somewhat diminished, but I was still upset enough to entertain the possibility of throwing Donna out.

My anger dissipated entirely, however, when she put her face in her hands and began sobbing again. Sitting back down next to her and cradling her in my arms, I did the only thing I could think of, which was to simply hold her.

Being a caregiver at heart, I initially wanted to apologize to Donna for upsetting her, but my rational mind insisted I had nothing to apologize for. For once, I was asking for love instead of just blindly giving it, not an unreasonable request in the current scenario.

When her sobs finally receded, Donna spoke quietly. "Josh, I'm so sorry. They say the most deluded people are those who choose to ignore what they already know, and I fell squarely into that category. I've had such a hard time accepting the fact that you don't see my flaws, but I know now that you're not blind to them; you're choosing to accept them because you love me."

Before I could react to her revelation, Donna shocked me by placing her hand in the center of my chest and pushing me onto my back, throwing herself on top of me so her face was right above mine.

"Let me tell you something, Joshua Alexander Lujack. You think YOU'VE been in agony for the last two months? Try being a woman so crazy in love that out of fear or ruining his life, she risked losing her man to some college tramp. Try being a lonely woman who ached for her lover's touch every night, yet every day forbade herself from running to him. Try being a woman frightened that her lover might reject her after she revealed he'd put a baby in her when it was allegedly impossible. THAT'S agony."

Wow. Now that Donna explained what she'd put herself through for me, I had a better grasp of what she had been trying to accomplish. Each of us wanted what was best for the other, but we'd both done a poor job of communicating our fears and caused each other unnecessary heartache. Donna wasn't done, though.

"You're right about me changing my mind. I promise not to ever make that mistake again." Things then took an interesting turn as Donna began to unbutton my shirt. "Will you marry me, Josh? Age difference be damned, I want you as my husband. I want your mouth and hands on me in our bed every night, I want you kissing me good morning when we wake up, and kissing me goodbye when you leave for school or work every day."

My shirt now open, she was fumbling with undoing my belt and lowering the zipper on my jeans. My stiffening cock sprung free, and she wrapped her warm fingers around it. "I want to be your wife, Josh. Tell me this is all mine, tell me you belong to me forever." Then she planted her lips on mine, and kissed me with the heat of a homecoming bonfire.

I reached down and grasped the bottom of her sweatshirt and pulled it off, exposing her sexy shoulders and the deep cleavage of her bosom, seemingly trapped in an undersized bra. As I reached around to undo the clasps and free her swollen breasts, I gave her my answer.

"Yes, I'll marry you and be all yours forever." Her bra now undone, I lowered my lips to her nipples and began to catch them up on the 2 months of attention they'd been denied.

+++++

Chicago, Illinois -- December, 1986

Since I was finishing up my semester, we decided to get married in a small wedding at the campus chapel the last day before winter break. I'd asked Terry to be my best man, while Donna had asked her best friend Adeline to be her maid of honor.

Having no fancy clothes of my own I was going to just rent a tuxedo, but Donna insisted on buying me a custom-tailored navy-blue suit as a wedding gift. (I guess I looked good enough because she did end up saying "I do.")

I wasn't allowed to see Donna's dress before the wedding - for all I cared it could have been a plain Amish dress so long as Donna was in it - but Adeline had described it to me as a floor-length A-line dress, form-fitted in the bosom and flared out at the waistline to accent her 5-month baby bump.

Not being fluent in dress styles I had a hard time imagining it, but I damn near fell over when Donna walked up the aisle on our wedding day. As she took her place next to me I leaned towards her and asked, "Of the three million women in state of Indiana, how did I get so lucky as to marry the prettiest one?"

The Reverend Thomas began, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here..." and 20 minutes later ended with "Honored guests, I am proud to present Joshua and Donna Lujack." It was now official; I had a lawfully-wedded wife, with a baby on the way. What had been my dream since high school was now reality.

The reception was in a small ballroom of the hotel in downtown Chicago, with just some of Donna's friends, a few of my teachers and classmates at Chicago University, and a few family members in attendance: Terry, Janine, and Donna's unmarried older sister Dorothy Winston.

We changed the traditional father and daughter/mother and son dance to a family dance, so Terry danced with Donna, while I danced with Dorothy. Dorothy was 8 years older than Donna, but she still looked fantastic. I have to say, the two Winston family women were both easy on the eyes.

That's when Dorothy thanked me for marrying her sister, and shared, "When Nicolas passed, Donna lost her spark. After you two got together, it came back. My advice to you is ignore anybody who criticizes your age difference. You make my baby sister happy, that's all that should matter." As the song ended, she kissed my cheek and whispered, "Welcome to the family, handsome."

Donna's daughter and my parents were, sadly, not in attendance. Since Donna hated Robert, Rosalie feared her mother would sabotage their reconciliation, and my ex had gone totally no-contact not long after she'd dumped me, even forbidding Etta and Jayden from seeing their grandmother. Deeply hurt by this, Donna hadn't even bothered to invite Rosalie. As for me, I'd sent my parents a wedding invitation as an olive branch but got no response, not even the standard RSVP 'regrets'. I guess my folks didn't like olives.