All Comments on 'The Valentine's Day Jar'

but switching from first person to third person in the middle of the story was a bit disturbing.

Nobody in the story has those names... copy and paste are not your friend

It just made me laugh. Terrible writing from a technical point of view. Truly horrible characters. The gambling loses, the house mortgage and the rest were so transparent that even a lousy lawyer would have blown it up. Their adultery means nothing in court and the best either one of them would have gotten was a 50/50 split. Things like last years tax returns would have decided alimony. This wasn't clever it was ridiculous. And your opening story? You screwed it up!! To quote you - "So the moral of this story is; I do care if you"........ You obviously meant "don't" but what a mistake!!!

The other mistake you made? Using Marlboro Man as an editor. Have you read his Right Wing bullshit? His technical writing is horrible! He makes more mistakes than you did. This was a trainwreck.

1 star

You need an editor.

From Marlboro Man?! Seriously? Dude couldn't and wouldn't even pass the second grade English. Shit, he can't even pass second grade math or social studies. There are non-English speaking writers who have a better grasp of the English language than he does. But even without knowing that, the errors were far to reminiscent of him. Do yourself a favor and find someone else.

had a hand in this. POVs change within sentences. Fantasy legal system and brilliant ways to beat the system. You made your mentor proud.

2*

Emotionless nonsense. High school writing level.

A tip for you before you delete this post. There should be at least one likable character in a story so the reader can empathize.

Death of a marriage is a shattering emotional experience for most people. Not showing that makes the revenge too abrupt and makes it seem over the top and too cruel. If we can go along with the cheated on as they deal with the betrayal, we connect emotionally and can better understand taking all the money for revenge.

In the prologue the comment about your teenage daughter? Man I am glad may kid never said anything like that to me!

At the end you kept the blond and not the orange haired wife?

And her comment about come get me pregnant or get in line? Seriously that would be a mood killer.

Worst of the worst :(

This story and the way it was presented was just childish garbage. Obviously the people giving you advice and "proof reading" experience should immediately be fired.

The other comments have covered the low quality essentials of idiotic story line, poor grammar, POV's changes within paragraphs etc. Also the complete disregard for any reality in the Financial Transactions, Accounting and Legal actions taken within the story. They are ALL BS! Towards the end you even changed Randy's name to David and it wasn't picked up.

Damn, now I'm hating myself because I would prefer to offer encouragement rather than critical assessments.

It’s pretty bad. POV issues, horrible grammar, spelling render this almost completely unreadable.

However, I understand, as MM is your editor. You need to find a different one if you are going to continue

Which is OK, if that's your focus. But focusing on the technique of discovery and revenge seems shallow and juvenile to me. The real drama, the real story, is what caused a good marriage to fail? What caused a loyal loving intelligent spouse to become a whore and a cheating asshole? Guess I will have to rely on other authors to tell the grown up part of the story.

Also, nowhere in the story did you describe any great change or event that turned Candy into a slut, so it reads like he got what he married. Wait, not the big tits; you've got to be kidding me. Large breasted women tend to have low morals and be stupid? Wow, that would explain the focus on juvenile shallow aspects of the story. Boy, he sure showed her!

A more mature and compelling plot would be appreciated.

Thanks for the effort.

My mother once told me. " If you don't have something good to say, say nothing at all."

Ugh.

Good story. 3*

Would have been higher, but the sudden change of POV resulted in a neck injury.

What a load of dribble!

Hard to follow and not a very likeable story. The showdown at the beginning was very emotionless and it just meandered after that.

I’ve seen much better written stories grammatically attacked for writing mechanics. This is so bad, it was a challenge to read. If English isn’t your first language, you need a lot of help. If it is...just wow.

I mean this in the best way; dear God, get someone else besides the people you chose to proof read your stories. Use their creative input if you will, but they are truly horrid editors.

I liked your story concept. I liked your story opening. It fell off a cliff when it suddenly, without warning, shifted from 1st person narration (“I decided on a new version of the Penny Jar”) to 3rd person narration (“Candy you look like a fish out of water” laughing Randy.) An editor would have told you no, no, no... in addition to pointing out things such as the lack of comma after Candy and the wrong verb tense for “laughed”.

I truly appreciate your effort, and I encourage you to keep on. But, as others have commented, it was actually painful to read. Please seek a proper editor, and you’ll likely discover your stories increase in approval significantly. It’s not your content, it’s the presentation.

Wow first person to third person back to first person within the space of ten words, couple that with missing words and prepositions and a couple of name changes to boot.

It may be accepted practice on this site but continually changing POV’s is not conducive to a free flowing story, it’s like fingernails on a chalkboard...excruciating!!!

As another commenter said get an editor, get a proofreader but mainly get a dictionary, you know like a real analogue one, don’t rely on google or whatever, maybe turn off predictive text.

There are a few great authors here, read some of their stories first, it might help because at present your submissions are difficult to read, that will certainly put a lot of readers off seeking out your future efforts.

Leaving all that aside your story lacked depth in the characterisations, they were merely cardboard cutout cliches, done a million times before.

How fucking stupid these anonymous jerks are. A funny tongue- in - cheek story if I ever read one. Good job! And keep the Marlboro Man as your editor...LOL.

Won't repeat some of legitimate constructive comments. It was a little too fast for me, never really delving into the emotional angst the basic premise it's built on, true or otherwise. As for the entry comment about your bio, keep doing what you do with no remorse. They're a lot of disturbed people reading these stories that get excited about some of the "shit" stories and try to recreate it in their lives. I admire the writers that try to reflect the dire impacts of poor decision making by their characters. Those stories have actually helped me better appreciate my marriage when it gets difficult rather than endanger it.

Not a complete list, but the low-lights are:

<P>

1)The switch from first to third.

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2) You seem to be completely clueless about how to punctuate dialogue.

<P>

When one paragraph ends with a quotation mark and the very next one starts with a mark, that indicates the character speaking has changed. If a paragraph doesn’t begin with a quotation mark, that indicates it’s narrative. When one character is speaking and is not uninterrupted by narrative or another character talking, every paragraph starts with a mark, but only the last one has a closing mark.

For the time I spent struggling to read this. Seriously, you are all over the place, I keep reading laughing the mistakes!

Read the intro to find Rhonda and Jeff. Great story with the surprises for Candy and Pete. The “get in line” comment was just a part of their usual teasing relationship, not an invitation. It did win him a poker hand.

Just so everyone knows it’s not about the cheating or revenge it is about the jar.

Everyone needs to get one and spend more time filling with you SO. And you wouldn’t be reading this shit

Could have been a better story but much of it was clear pretty quickly what was going.

Glad Marlboroman's wife untied him from his viewing chair long enough to help you out.

Too silly for words

While reading your "true" story I knew something was off. As far back as I can remember Thule has been a one year isolated assignment. Never try to proof read your own stories; you know what you want to say so your brain ignores the errors.

Unrealistic, terrible writing. It starts wraith Randy telling the story then switches to third person. Grammar is terrible and every other sentence makes no sense. You need a better editor.

Funny. Getting the absolutely worst writer on the site to edit a story? I'm sorry, but asking Mr. Cigarette to edit... That's just hilarious. I'm having trouble even thinking of a comparison. Maybe hiring kindergartners to design your spaceship? Oh, dear. I am giggling insanely. My dog feels threatened. Maybe it's the Smoker's bigotry, misogyny, racism and political ravings you need his expertise for, or his knowledge of tobacco? I have really not been so entertained in a while. Thanks for the unintentional humor, but I think I'll skip the story.

Your editor was MM? No surprise then when your long italicized pre Ramble was ruined when you meant to say "I DON'T care if you like my work..."

First of all, why pick such a lame car for the wife's dream car? An underpowered six backed by a 2-speed automatic? That's the only powertrain they came with. Postwar Chevy didn't even have a V8 until 1955.

The story was set in California in which state you CANNOT sue for alienation of affection. It isn't in the books. Period. Only nine states have it on the books and that may have decreased by one in the last couple of years.

The story was unreadable, I got lost when the narrator stopped and Randy stepped in. But who cares? It was unbelievable from the start.

R.

not a bad story but some parts just didnt flow together or not make sense.

I guess the bitch got hers. That's GOOD. Loved the story, keep it up!

Disappointing.

5 stars for your 45 year marriage

This is my kind of BTB story!!!!

all from a boob job?

Load of crap.

Tedious and poorly written.

Pfft. ⭐

Mixed up.

Amazing BTB. Honestly, I don't really agree with his pangs of conscience at the end, but I can see how it makes sense to the story.

Hey i liked it. Write what you like. If everyone reads it and doesn’t like it big deal. What did it cost them. A little time… keep on strokin’

Just more crap.

You told about your wife Candy's affair with Pete, who the he'll are Rhonda and Jeff?.

sort of funny, sort of dumb. and the wrong names at the end.

Your wife fucked you over for a guy with a bigger dick and a better personality. Get over it stop writing non erotica you cockwomble

The true story was better. Glad you find your real loving wife.

Drop the "true story" stuff, learn that San Diego's weather is around 74 degrees, on average, and it's sunny nearly 344 days of the year. Then write something decent.

As a story plot it wasn't bad….. BUT you made it silly by the amount of money being in this, you made a good story under par.

Why do so many of these guys who write these stories hate on fake tits? I love fake tits. The bigger the better. Hell, my wife has absolutely enormous fake tits. They're fun to play hide the salami with.

So I get that there is a Pete and Emily.

I get that there is a Randy and Candy.

Who the hell is David?

You need to get an editor. Terrible writing.