All Comments on 'The Visit Ch. 01'

it was very hard to keep up with, an editor would be a wise choice because they sentences were hard to keep up with because their were words left out and gramitical errors.

I think that the if the intended plot had been properly developed that it would have been good

you have a very good plot to your story series, just don't rush the story so much.I feel that this fantasy is something that is close to you, and you are writing with passion,so just tell us what you see in your mind, and how this story is going to turn out.Thanks for your story. .Rich

You can't tell a story in the first person and then describe what's going on in the next room. The story teller can't see it to relate it.

You have a good concept but there's no back story or buildup. Keep trying.

so-so it was a good idea but you really messed up the writing you left out a lot of words which forces the reader to stop and think about what you are trying to say which breaks the flow of the story ruining the feel this needs a rewrite by a good editor please do not submit any more stories without going through an editor

Ended way too early ;-)

isn't it about time you deleted this so called story and did a total rewrite to fix all the STUPID errors? SHOW SOME PRIDE IN YOUR WORK AND A WHOLE LOT OF RESPECT FOR THE READERS AND EITHER DO IT RIGHT OR NOT AT ALL. NOW FIND A GOOD EDITOR AND DO A PROPER REWRITE AND NEVER POST A STORY WITHOUT GOING THROUGH A GOOD EDITOR FIRST.

this sounds so good but wih you could have shared more

Good start. Some typos but overall very good.