The Widower

Bill and his wife Judy were a fairly typical suburban couple in their mid-40's. They'd had two children: Mark and Bethany who were both at university leaving them as empty nesters; except for vacations and the prospect that the kids might return after Uni or at any time they were short of cash.

Bill always thought Judy's best features were her long thighs and pert bum. She had been a gymnast and a dancer when younger and held a classic elegant poise. She seemed to glide serenely across a room with shoulders naturally back and chin up. Her bright green eyes sparkled, set off by her long blonde hair which she usually kept in a ponytail, but with odd strands constantly escaping.

Judy was a bundle of energy and always on the go. Not having kids after so many years left her at a bit of a loose end. She started back with some dance and fitness classes to fill in the time.

It was David moving into the neighbourhood which changed things for the better. David was a widower, his wife Val had died of cancer leaving him to bring up two young children, Keith 8 and Amy 6. It was tragic to lose a wife and mother before the age of 35. David seemed like a nice guy, and they were a lovely family who settled in well. Having the kids was a great way to meet everyone in the neighbourhood. Judy in her usual caring manner led the way, offering to look after the kids and help David with the never-ending juggle of work and family.

The ad hoc childcare was a revelation to Judy, she was in her element back looking after young children and quickly bonding with them. Her mood improved and she was felt far more positive. Bill was relieved; he pitched in as well, taking both Amy and Keith to various local sports clubs. It reminded him of happy times spent with his own children. They didn't have any other living relatives, so Judy and Bill quickly became adopted as Aunt and Uncle.

Judy was determined to help the kids cope with the sad loss of their mum. She was amazed at how resilient they both appeared. She offered more help, doing the daily school pick-ups and taking them home to wait for David to finish work, in effect providing afternoon childcare. In the end, David insisted he pay Judy for at least some of her time, she was saving him a fortune and was a steady regular presence for them. Judy eventually accepted to appease him but would have gladly done it for nothing. She was an excellent cook and started prepping the evening meals to make things easier for them; at odd times she would stay and eat with them as well.

Judy knew she had to be careful; David was a good-looking guy. He attracted a lot of attention at the neighbourhood BBQs and sooner or later a new partner would be on the horizon, she needed to be careful about confusing the kids.

Bill was surprised Judy had started having dinner with the family, he began feeling a little neglected, everything was focused on David and the kids. He urged Judy to be careful and that she wasn't their mum, but having the vibrant, happy Judy back overcame most of his concerns.

It was at a neighbourhood BBQ at their house when Bill first began to feel uneasy. He hadn't seen Judy since the start of the BBQ and stood back with his beer to watch the interactions. Judy was constantly at David's side in between running around after the kids, they smiled a lot often at each other. Anyone who didn't know would think they were a married couple. What was more, David was almost acting as host, doling out drinks, food and organising things.

Just then Judy's best friend Christine interrupted his thoughts; they had been close friends since their own kids were all young.

"Penny for them... you look a million miles away."

Without thinking Bill said exactly what was on his mind, "I am wondering if I have anything to worry about, Judy is acting more as David's wife than mine!"

To her credit Christine didn't dismiss the comment and immediately defend her friend, she watched for a while in silence.

"I can see why you might be concerned but this is Judy we are talking about; she is like a surrogate to those kids and David comes in the bundle. I am certain she would never dream of anything inappropriate."

Bill agreed reluctantly but he couldn't quite shift that feeling of unease. He knew Christine would subtly inform Judy about their chat, probably saying she noticed Bill being left out. It seemed a better solution than any accusations at that point.

Just as he had decided to leave it at that, he noticed something and decided to have a chat with David after all. Bill made sure to pass David on his next trip to the beer cooler and asked if he could spare a minute. They moved over to a quiet corner of the garden.

Bill got straight to the point, "Do we have an issue?"

"No I don't think so, what do you mean?"

"I mean just how friendly you are with my wife."

David looked concerned, "Judy has been a god send, I owe her so much and we spend a lot of time together, I guess we have grown close."

"Is that right! How close exactly?"

"We're just friends."

"I wouldn't like you to mistake that friendship for anything more."

"Of course, I wouldn't... I would never do that."

"Great, so you will understand that the next time you touch my wife's arse, I will break your fucking arm."

David paled, "I never touched her."

"Calling me a liar would be another mistake! I saw it with my own eyes, just subtle enough to call it an accident, but you've been touching and hugging her all afternoon. Do we understand each other!"

"Yeah sure, but there is absolutely nothing in it, it's all absolutely innocent, we're just friends."

With that David trudged off. It wasn't long before Judy stormed over.

"What on earth did you say to David?"

Bill took a deep breath, "The same thing I am going to say to you. I wanted to know why my wife would ignore her husband, spend nearly the whole of the afternoon with another man and when he touched her arse, she would let him... rather than slap him."

Judy's bluster started disappearing, "You're being ridiculous!"

"Am I, are you denying it?"

"We're just friends, I care for his kids, there's nothing else going on."

"Why did you let the touch slide?

"I never even noticed... I am sure any touch was accidental."

"For the first time in my married life, I don't believe you Judy. You were flirting and it's obvious he is attracted to you and he's a good-looking guy. I'll say the same thing to you as I did to him; this stops now or there will be trouble."

Judy was furious, mostly with Bill's over the top reaction but also with herself. There was no denying she had spent all of the afternoon with David. Helping with the kids justified some but by no means all of it. She liked David's company and enjoyed the odd touch but knew it was pushing the boundaries. She had felt David's hand glance from her hip and across her bum. Judy wanted to believe that she hadn't reacted because it might have been an accident or that she was frozen in shock. She really wanted to believe that a lot, the alternative was unacceptable.

***

On the surface things seemed better for a while, but Bill felt as though Judy was moving away from him. Nearly all of her conversation revolved around the kids, although she had enough sense not to mention David much. Still things felt tense, Bill couldn't put a finger on it, but the easy conversations faltered slightly as if Judy was filtering what she shared with Bill.

Thankfully David had the good sense to avoid Bill like the plague. But Bill resented the amount of time he seemed to spend with Judy. Bill looked at her sadly one night as she lay asleep, thinking that his part in her life seem to be diminishing.

***

It was three months later sitting at dinner than Judy mentioned the possibility of going on a trip with David and the kids. There was something in the overly casual way Judy mentioned it that concerned Bill. After numerous questions, Judy reluctantly explained.

"It's a one-week vacation in France. David has a weekend work trip to Paris; he then intends to holiday with the kids in Brittany. He's asked me to travel with them and look after them for the first couple of days while he is working; he'd then be free to spend five days with the kids. He is going to pay me for a full week of child minding and cover all expenses.

"And you want to go?"

"Yes, Yes I do."

"So you want to spend a week together playing as a happy family?"

"It's just child minding to look after the kids. They haven't had a holiday since before Val died and deserve a proper break."

"I appreciate that, I just don't see why that has to involve you. It's inappropriate; they can go on a trip as a family at any time."

"It's impossible to find safe child-care; this is purely a business arrangement."

"Even you can't believe that, especially as I have already had to have words with him. You've felt more like his wife than mine recently."

"It's nothing like that, the kids need me and..."

"And what... David needs you too?"

"Well yes, I think he does need my support and help."

"And does he get your love as well? What is it you really want Judy, to leave me and take up with him?"

"No I don't want that at all, I just want to help them."

"And will that help involving consoling him by sleeping with him?"

"You bastard! Not everyone thinks like you. I guess you don't think very much of me at all. I am doing something good and all you can do is try and make it seem sordid."

"I'm not sure if you lying to yourself or just me, you are attracted to him. I can guarantee that is exactly what he is thinking of and he's getting plenty of encouragement from you. Would you accept me going away with a 'friend' for a week and believe me when I say nothing happened, even when I look uneasy and something feels wrong."

"I'd hope so, especially if there was a good reason like helping someone in need."

You know this is wrong, I'll say this clearly so there is no misunderstanding. I don't want you to go; I think it will be the end of us.

***

Judy was in a dilemma, was she lying to herself? If the opportunity arose would she want to have sex with David, she certainly had feelings for him. David was such a good dad and was doing an amazing job, but he seemed so lonely. She admitted Bill was right, she found his interest flattering and he was so handsome. Then again, she loved Bill more than the world; it was crazy to let anything risk their relationship. Despite her concerns Judy persuaded herself that she could walk the tightrope.

As the trip approached Judy and Bill became more distant. Judy started thinking it was a mistake and she should back out. She loved Bill so much, but the kids were excitedly planning what they would do together on holiday.

Bill and Judy slept in the same bed but hardly touched let alone kissed or made love. Despite being only inches from each other, they both felt lonely, almost as if they were saying goodbye.

***

Bill was sitting on couch watching Judy struggle down the stairs with her suitcase.

"Thanks for the help!" she gasped sarcastically.

Bill shrugged, as she approached him for a goodbye kiss Bill turned away before asking.

"Do you still love me?"

"Of course I do, you know that."

"And to demonstrate that love, you're going to go on holiday with a younger eligible man who you have feelings for, leaving me alone wondering what is happening?"

"It's a short trip that's all, there's nothing to wonder or worry about. I'll be back before you know it. There are pre-made meals in the fridge and freezer, make sure you look after yourself. I'll phone every day, I promise."

"Don't do this, you're putting him before us."

"I am not! I am just helping out, helping all of them out. Sorry but I need to leave."

Bill wasn't sure if that statement reflected a lack of time or a wider comment about her needs. She turned and hauled her case through the door and was gone.

***

Day 1:

Judy called the first night, explaining how excited the kids had been but that they were now in bed exhausted. She reiterated that David had dropped them off and then travelled straight on for his two-day conference. She detailed their journey and how stunning the accommodation was that they were staying in. Bill managed no more than a few single word responses. Judy filled the gaps and pretended everything was fine, finally finishing the conversation with, "I love you."

For the first time in their marriage Bill didn't reply in kind, mumbling, "Goodbye Judy" instead.

Judy hung up before she realised, then it dawned on her bringing a tear to her eye.

Day 2:

"Bill. You do know I love you don't you."

"I think you still do, yes."

"Oh come on Bill this is us, we love each other to bits."

"Maybe Judy, but then again maybe you love someone else as well; or maybe love in itself isn't always enough."

"I am sorry I left; please say you still love me."

"Yeah I do," sighed Bill and hung up before Judy could hear he was upset.

Day 3:

Judy told Bill the kids were ecstatic about their father arriving and had been all over him. She had left them to it and he'd taken them out canoeing. Judy had enjoyed a relaxing day by the pool. Bill was starting to think he was overreacting, when he heard Keith shouting.

"Dad's asking if you are ready for dinner yet."

Bill replied, "You had better get going for you dinner then, I'm sure you will have a lovely time Judy."

"Don't turn this into a fight Bill."

"Well it sounds to me like you are having a holiday with another man. You aren't needed for child minding now that he is there, but you are choosing to stay with him."

"It's not really like that Bill."

"How is it then?"

Judy hesitated unable to form a reply, just as she was sorting her thoughts out she heard.

"Goodnight Judy." and the call disconnect.

Day 4:

It was the 4th day of the holiday when Bill saw the photographs of them on David's social media. Most looked like loving family shots including pool photographs, there were a couple where David had his arm around Judy's waist. It was one of the accompanying comments which really got to Bill:

"Having a fantastic family holiday, being looked after by the wonderful Judy."

Judy phoned that night, not mentioning anything Bill had seen in the photographs. Eventually he lost patience and interrupted.

"Before you continue with this absurd facade, you might want to check David's social media."

Judy checked immediately, "Shit, I'm sorry; I've got no idea what he was thinking. I..."

Bill interrupted again, "So hardly limited to simple child minding, you all look so sweet together. Are you trying to humiliate me as well as cheat on me?"

"I not cheating and I didn't know he was going to post those."

"So your bothered about him posting them, but comfortable with him touching you. You might want to ask why he posted them. I am sure he will say it was innocent, but he's ensuring the rift between us continues."

Day 5:

Judy called, "David explained it was a mistake, he didn't realise how it would appear, it was all innocent.

"Yeah! of course it was. You seem to believe everything he says these days so I shouldn't be surprised."

"He's really sorry and deleted them immediately but... well you weren't the only one to see them, Bethany called me."

"Bethany?"

"Yeah, she was upset; asking what on earth was going on; if I had left you and if I was with David now."

"And what did you say."

"I told her not to be so ridiculous of course! Then explained it was an innocent snap or two."

"If you say so Judy."

"Listen Bill, your jealously is driving me crazy... it has to stop."

"So now it's my fault... well fuck you! The fact our daughter is now asking what is going on should give you a clue about who should be stopping."

Bill ended the call, it was becoming a habit. Every call seemed to make the turmoil he was feeling worsen.

There was no call from Judy on the 6th day. Bill felt totally lost, he managed work but it felt like just going through the motions. Answering a knock on the door he found Christine standing there with a bag of shopping. She insisted on cooking him a meal and wanted to check he was ok. Bill couldn't work out why she was there, so in his usual direct way, politely asked her

"I called Judy after seeing those photos; to be honest I was a bit shocked and I remembered our conversation at the BBQ."

"Yeah, did you get anywhere with her? I never do; seemingly it's my fault for being jealous."

"Not really, she doesn't think she has done anything wrong and that you are over-reacting. When I tried to get her to look at it from your point of view, she seemed to get it a bit but said it was all innocent."

"Are they... you know?"

"She said not; but admitted to being confused about her feelings and not knowing what to do. She feels like she is losing you but repeatedly insisted that she loved you."

They continued talking but it just went around in circles. Bill thanked Christine for thinking about him and for her company, sitting brooding by himself wasn't healthy. Not long after Christine left his daughter Bethany called; Bill tried to explain that he wasn't sure quite what was happening with her mum but that they would sort it out and she shouldn't worry.

Bethany knew he was holding back trying to protect her.

"You and mum are going to be alright, aren't you dad?"

Bill tried his best to sound a lot brighter than he felt. "I am sure we will be honey. Why not tell we about what's new with you, that's always far more interesting."

Day 7:

"Can we talk... like adults."

"I guess so, knock yourself out."

I'm sorry about not calling yesterday, my head is all over the place, and I'm not used to us arguing. I know I hurt your feelings and have neglected you. I've missed you and I'm really worried I have messed us up."

"You're really worried, but never consider coming home early after David was there to look after his own kids. I didn't even cross you mind as a priority."

"I know and I am sorry. I'll be back tomorrow though. I am struggling with what is happening with us and what's happening here. Things are really difficult... the kids are playing up."

"Why are they playing up?"

"I'm not sure... confused I guess: we've mixed up the child minding with being on holiday and with them constantly. They might think I was trying to replace their mum and resent that, I'm gutted, I was really trying to care for them and got that wrong as well."

Judy went on, "You were right, this holiday was a mistake. I really love and miss you, I know we need to talk more and sort this all out when I get back. I hope you give me that chance."

"I honestly don't know Judy; I don't know how I feel about us anymore other than a sense of abandonment and loss. I'm not really sure who you are any more."

"I'm still me and I still love you, I'm desperate to see you tomorrow."

"Well I guess we can talk when you get back then."

Bill reflected afterwards, the call made him feel slightly better but he still couldn't shake the feeling of unease.

***

Judy tried hugging and kissing Bill, but he turned his face away and held her off, she felt panicky at his rejection. They agreed to talk after she emptied her case.

"So tell me about you trip."

"You know most of it, I looked after the kids for a couple of days, and then David arrived after his conference. They did things together and sometimes I went with them. If they weren't busy, we spent the days at the pool.

"So I saw, that looked very cosy and I take it you also went out for meals together."

"You're making it sound worse than it is, it was just friendly and David speaks French so it was easier, and the kids insisted I went with them."

"Ok then let's cut to the chase, is there anything you want to tell me about you and David."