The Wizard of O

CHAPTER 1

Dorothy was a vivacious 19-year-old, who lived in the midst of the great Kansas prairies, with Uncle Henry, who was a farmer, and Aunt Em, who was the farmer's wife. Their house was small, for the lumber to build it had to be carried by wagon many miles. There were four walls, a floor and a roof, which made one room; and this room contained a rusty looking cooking stove, a cupboard for the dishes, a table, three or four chairs, and the beds. Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had a big bed in one corner, and Dorothy had a little bed in another corner. There was no garret at all, and no cellar - except a small hole, dug in the ground, called a cyclone cell, where the family could go in case one of those greet whirlwinds arose, mighty enough to crush any building in its path. It was reached by a trap-door in the middle of the floor, from which a ladder led down into the small dark hole.

One morning, Dorothy's dog jumped into her bed as the sun was coming up. He licked her face and woke her up.

"Toto!" she cried as she pushed the dog away. "I'm up! I'm up!" Toto yipped happily and wagged his tail as she stroked his head.

"You're awake," said Aunt Em. "Can you please feed the chickens?"

#

Dorothy trudged out to the coop behind the house and started feeding the chickens, like Aunt Em had asked. She sighed deeply as she spread the feed along the ground for the chickens, making sure they all got plenty to eat.

"I don't know why I always have to do this," she said to the nearest hen, whose clucked happily without paying close attention to what Dorothy was actually saying.

She started to sing a song that she felt must've been written for her and her situation. "We've got to get out of this place if it's the last thing we ever do. We've got to get out of this place. Girl there's a better life for me and you."

She looked back up at the house and saw a man standing in the doorway, talking to Aunt Em. Distracted, she dropped some chicken feed into her shoes, so she had to crouch down, take her shoes off, and shake them out.

Dorothy continued feeding the chickens until all of the birds were satisfied.

"Good-bye, guys!" she said to the chickens as she walked back towards her house.

A couple of chickens clucked and squawked their farewells.

#

By the time Dorothy had reached the house, the man who had come to call, had left. Dorothy didn't want to let Aunt Em know that she had seen that there was a visitor, so she just called out, "I'm done feeding the chickens, Auntie Em!"

Toto ran up to greet her, yipping and barking with delight. "I missed you too," she said to the dog as she knelt down to pet him.

Toto rolled over onto his back and she proceeded to rub the dog on his belly.

Dorothy was so busy playing with Toto, that she didn't hear Aunt Em coming closer to her.

Aunt Em cleared her throat and said, "Mr. McAllister came by when you were out feeding the hens."

Dorothy looked up at Aunt Em but said nothing.

"He said your dog bit his wife yesterday."

"No! He couldn't have! It must have been another dog! Or something!"

"Now you know that that dog of yours does like to run off, and he can get a little bit excited some times. I'm not saying that Toto did it, but you definitely need to keep a closer eye on him. And if he runs off again, we might just have to give him up!"

Dorothy clutched the dog close in her arms and carried him off, crying.

#

Later that day, Dorothy returned to her home. Aunt Em had left a note on the counter that said that she had to run an errand and that she would be back soon. Dorothy closed the door and played with Toto in front of the house. She and Toto both enjoyed it when she would throw a ball and Toto would fetch it and bring it back to her.

The sky grew very dark and Dorothy looked up at the darkening clouds. "Gee, Toto! I think we'd better get inside the house. It looks like it's going to storm!"

She threw the ball into the house and Toto ran into the house to fetch it. Dorothy quickly got into the house and closed the door.

She heard a loud rumble that sounded like more than thunder and she clutched Toto tightly. The dog shivered in fear at the sound.

Before Dorothy could do anything else, she looked out the window and saw three tornadoes right outside the window. She ran for the trap door that led to the shelter, but it was too late. The tornado had reached the house, and carried it away! She clung close to Toto as the house was lifted off of the ground, spinning rapidly in the wind. Dorothy screamed.

CHAPTER 2

The next thing Dorothy knew, the house had landed back on the ground. Although it landed with a loud crunching sound and a strange squelching noise, it had remained in one piece.

Dorothy listened for the sounds outside to make sure it was safe, and she didn't hear the sounds of the storm, but instead it seemed like she could hear people singing and dancing. She looked at Toto and said, "That's really strange! Let's go outside to take a look."

The first thing she noticed when she left the house, was that this didn't look like her farm anymore. All of the green and brown pastures that surrounded her house and the neighbor's houses were gone; instead it looked like she was in some kind of a town square. All of the colors of this place seemed wrong, different, odd. Definitely brighter.

"Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas any more."

She cautiously walked around the house to see if she could get a sense of where she was.

The house had landed on top of a person. She could see a pair of legs wearing long, fishnet stockings and the ruby stiletto pumps sticking out from under the side of the house. She looked down at the shoes and decided that she wanted to wear them.

She took the shoes off of the person under the house and stepped into them. She looked at Toto and said, "Do these shoes make my ass look rounder?"

Toto started to bark madly, and Dorothy realized something was seriously wrong. She turned around and gasped at what she saw.

#

She heard the sounds of people running towards her and yelling loudly. She quickly picked up Toto and held him tightly to her breast. She suppressed a gasp at the sensation of his cold nose in her cleavage.

A young woman who seemed to float rather than walk emerged from the crowd and moved towards her. "Thank you thank you thank you! You have killed the Naughty Nag of the East! And I must say you look ravishing in those ruby red stilettos."

Dorothy clutched Toto tightly. "Thank you," she said. "Who are you? Where am I?"

The woman laughed, "You've come to Oz, and you've saved us from the oppression of the Naughty Nag of the East! Thank you thank you thank you! And my name is Glinda, the Nice Nag of the North."

"I've never heard of Oz before. How did I get here? My Auntie Em and Uncle Henry will get worried if I stay here too long. How do I get back to Kansas?"

Before anyone could say or do anything, a second woman, wearing way too much make-up, cackled loudly. "You've killed my sister! The least you can do is give me her red ruby stilettos!"

Glinda floated between Dorothy and the heavily made-up woman. "She can't take them off! They're magical and they belong to her now." She waved what looked like a baton and the made-up woman backed off.

"All right, all right all right. You've won this round, Glinda." The woman pointed a skinny finger and Dorothy and said, "But I'll get you, my pretty! And your little dog, too!" She then disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Glinda looked at Dorothy and said, "You need to leave this place as quickly as you can. The Naughty Nag of the West is almost definitely going to come back for you."

Dorothy looked down at her feet and said, quietly, "But I'm lost. Do you know how I can find my way home?"

Glinda pulled out her magic wand, which she pointed towards the horizon. "I don't, but I'm sure the Wizard does. He lives in the castle in Emerald City."

"How do I get to Emerald City?" Dorothy asked, feeling kind of silly for even asking.

"Just follow the yellow brick road!" said Glinda. "Where the dogs of society howl..."

Dorothy nodded. "You can't plant me in your penthouse. I'm going back to my plough."

All of the people around Dorothy and Glinda continued singing the Elton John lyrics. "Back to the howling old owl in the woods, hunting the horny back toad."

Everyone sang, "Oh I've finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road!"

Soon, everyone was laughing. Dorothy caught her breath and muttered, "I always liked that song."

Glinda and all of the short people wished her luck as she started down the road. She put Toto down on the ground and he followed her happily on her journey.

CHAPTER 3

Dorothy's trip down the yellow brick road was by and large uneventful, although at first she did wonder where all of the other variously-colored-brick roads led to. She told Toto that she was probably better off not knowing. "One of the other ones probably leads to that Naughty Nag's house anyway."

Toto yipped in agreement.

Soon she came to a fork in the road. She looked around and didn't see any signs or anyone else who might be able to help, and the road stretched on towards the horizon in either direction. "What do you think, Toto?" she said to her dog. "Which way should we go?"

Toto sniffed around on the ground and started to growl before running up to a post where a scarecrow happened to be tied up.

"What is it, Toto?"

Toto barked at the scarecrow.

"Oh, no, Toto. That's just a scarecrow. He can't help us, even if it looks fun to be tied up like that."

A low voice said, "It's not fun at all. Maybe if you're lying down..."

"Who said that?" said Dorothy, trying to conceal her alarm.

"I did."

Dorothy looked up at the scarecrow and gasped when she saw its head moving. Toto growled.

"Y-you can move?"

"I could if you untied me. Can you do that please?"

"How do I know you won't hurt me if I untie you?"

"Do you think I could hurt you? What with all of the crows around here? I can't even hurt or scare off a crow. How could I hurt you? You'd need a brain to know how to hurt a girl like you and I don't have one of those. Do you know where I can get one?"

Dorothy thought for a minute. "Well, I'm going to see the wizard of Oz. If he can help me find my way back home, maybe he can help you find a brain that you can use, too!" She looked down at Toto and added, "And we can sure use the company!"

She got up behind the scarecrow and untied him from his post. The Scarecrow jumped down onto the ground and stretched his straw-filled arms. Dorothy looked at him as he danced around wildly. "Do you know that John Cougar Mellencamp song? The one about the scarecrow?"

The Scarecrow looked at Dorothy with an uncertain expression on his face.

"Oh, never mind," said Dorothy. "He was singing about rain on the scarecrow, not brain on the scarecrow anyway."

The Scarecrow smiled. "You have to be a real fan of his to know that song. Or at least spent a lot of time in the 80s watching MTV back when they actually played music."

Dorothy sighed. "You're probably right. It was a bad pun, no matter how you look at it. Now, which way do we go to get to the Wizard and the Emerald City?"

The Scarecrow looked around and with his right hand, he pointed down the left fork of the road and with his left hand, he pointed down the right fork. "We go that way!"

"That's a big help."

Toto started barking madly and ran down the right fork.

"I think he's saying to go that way," said Dorothy, who ran after the dog. The Scarecrow followed close behind admiring her ass as she ran in the red stiletto heels. "I may not have a brain, but other parts of my body are perfectly formed," he mumbled to himself.

It was a good thing they went this way, because a few minutes later, the Naughty Nag of the West came running down from the other fork, and nearly caught Dorothy, Toto, and the Scarecrow.

She watched the three of them running away and mused, "I wonder how many other weird musical references are going to go into this retelling of the story. I just hope that the author doesn't throw in a reference to 'One Tin Soldier,' from the movie from the movie [I]Billy Jack[/I]."

#

Dorothy and the brainless (if not mindless) Scarecrow continued along the yellow brick road, continually looking back to be sure that the Naughty Nag of the West wasn't following them.

Soon they arrived at a wooded area, whereupon they both jumped when they heard a muffled voice.

"Did you hear something?" asked the Scarecrow.

"I think I did," said Dorothy, her voice wavering.

The voice spoke again. Two muffled syllables, still unclear what was being said, but definitely someone speaking.

"Who said that?"

Three syllables.

"I think he said, 'over here,'" said the Scarecrow, flopping in the direction of the voice.

"Mmmmmmph!" responded the voice.

Dorothy followed the Scarecrow and they saw what looked like a robot standing in a small clearing near the road. It was very rusty and clearly had broken down.

The robot tried to speak again. "Mmmmmmmph mmmmmee."

"Maybe it's saying, 'help me,'" said Dorothy.

"Mmmmmmmmph!! Oiiiii!"

"It needs oil," said Dorothy. "Do you see an oil can around here anywhere?"

The Scarecrow looked around the robot and saw an oil can lying behind it near its feet. He picked up the can and held it in front of the eyes of the robot.

"Mmmmmmph! Mmmmm!"

"D'you think he wants to drink it?" asked Dorothy.

"I guess..." said the Scarecrow as he lifted the oil can to the robot's mouth and poured a little bit of oil into it.

"Aaaaah! Thank you," said the robot. "Could you please do my arms and legs next?"

Dorothy lubed up the tin man, whose arms and legs creaked back to life.

He walked around the clearing for a few minutes, singing. "Memories light the corners of my mind. Misty watercolor memories of the way we whirr."

Dorothy put her hands on her hips. "The way we whirr? Seriously? Didn't Mudak already write an Admiral Anticrime story with that title?"

"Yeah, but it was a good enough pun to use again," said the Robot. "Besides, the Naughty Nag warned us against singing 'One Tin Soldier.'"

"Yeah, but she only warned us against using the version by the band Coven that was used in the movie [I]Billy Jack[/I]. The original version was sung by a band called The Original Caste. I think you'd have been in the clear."

"On a technicality," said the Robot. "But I don't really feel like singing that song right now anyway."

Dorothy sighed. "Fine. Maybe we'll sing it when we get to the Emerald City and see the Wizard."

"You're going to see the Wizard? I've always wanted to meet him and see if he can give me a heart. May I come too?"

Dorothy and the Scarecrow looked at each other and shrugged. Dorothy said, "I don't see why not. Maybe that hatchet of yours could do us some good."

The three of them walked off down the yellow brick road, and none of them thought it was unusual that a nubile young woman in stilettos decided to hook up with a brainless guy, and a heartless guy.

#

Dorothy, Toto, the Scarecrow, and the Robot proceeded further along the yellow brick road. As they rounded a bend, they saw something in the road a short distance away. Toto started to growl, but it was still too far away to tell if it was crouching or cowering.

"Toto, shhhhh!" whispered Dorothy.

Toto didn't really listen to Dorothy. He growled louder and, as they drew nearer to the figure, he started to yip excitedly.

The figure scampered off into the woods. Toto ran towards the figure. Dorothy leapt forward and restrained him, calming him down by running a soothing hand over his back and holding him tight to her breast.

The being who had jumped into the woods, slowly came out to see if the coast was clear. Soon a lion man stuck his head out. He looked around and saw Dorothy, Toto, the Scarecrow, and the Robot. He started to cry.

The Robot began to sing a song by Mumford and Sons.

"Weep for yourself my man, you'll never be what is in your heart. Weep, little lion man you're not as brave as you were at the start. Rate yourself and rake yourself. Take all the courage you have left and waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head."

The Lion Man stepped out into the yellow brick road and sang the chorus. "But it was not your fault but mine. And it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear?"

The Scarecrow said, "I wish I had a banjo."

The Robot looked at the Scarecrow and said, "You need a brain first."

"Oh yeah."

The Lion Man let out a howl.

"Oh, what's wrong, Mr. Lion Man?" asked Dorothy.

"Ohohohohoh! You scared me!"

"We won't hurt you! We're just trying to get to the Emerald City to see the Wizard. We think he'll give us what we need," said Dorothy, a kindly tone in her voice.

"And what do you need?"

"I need to go home!" said Dorothy.

"I need a heart," said the Robot.

"I need a brain," said the Scarecrow.

Toto yipped.

"Ohohohohoh!" said the Lion Man. "Do you think he could give me some courage?"

"I think so," said Dorothy. "Do you want to join us?"

"Can I?" asked the Lion Man.

"Please," said the Robot.

The Lion Man looked at them for a long while before he said, "Sure. There's safety in numbers so I'm probably better off with you." He stepped out of the woods, broke a twig, yelped, and jumped behind them.

CHAPTER 4

Everyone walked further down the road. Dorothy hung back and ogled each of her three male human-ish companions. Being a passionate young woman, her thoughts wandered gently into the kind of lustful questions women of her age and temperament tend to ponder: which, if any of them, would be most suited to a less vertical encounter?

She immediately ruled out the Lion, at least before meeting the Wizard. She naturally feared the possibility that any moans of passion could scare him off and cause him to lose any ardor or excitement the two of them otherwise might share.

She heaved a deep sigh as she considered the Scarecrow, as she reminded herself that she'd dated way too many brainless stuffed-shirts who were only interested in her for her body.

So that left the Robot. She supposed she could tolerate a few squeaky joints if it meant that he could keep going all night, and, of course, he'd always be hard. He might be heartless, but it wasn't really his heart she was interested in.

Dorothy was lost in fantasy when the Lion howled in fright. The Naughty Nag of the West appeared overhead on her broomstick. Thankfully, everyone saw this and jumped into the woods before she could come in lower to follow them.

Once the team was sure she was gone, they continued down the yellow brick road and soon, a magnificent white castle loomed ahead of them.

"Look," said the Scarecrow pointing at the castle.

"That's Emerald City," said the Robot.

Toto yipped excitedly.

#

Soon, the wandering band of hopeful hybrids reached the castle and found the door open. They stepped inside and saw a large hall, with a large screen on the far wall that reminded Dorothy of the Super Bowl commercial that announced the launch of the original Apple Macintosh.

The Cowardly Lion turned around, expecting to see an olympic hammer thrower, but when none turned up, they all inched across the hallway.

"Um... Mr. Wizard?" said Dorothy with a hint of uncertainty in her voice. "Sir?"

The face on the screen scowled and said, "Yes?" His voice echoed off of the walls and ceiling. The Cowardly Lion crouched down and hid behind Dorothy.

"Get your hand off my ass," she whispered to the Lion.

"Oh! Sorry!" whimpered the Lion.

"Well, um, Mr. Wizard, sir. I was wondering ... I mean my friends and I heard that you can do great things and, well, we were wondering if you could help us out?"