Them

In the afternoon, she asked if I would come with her on a trip into Lawton. I joined her, of course. Harper was cryptic about our destination, and I didn't push it. After about fifteen minutes on the road, she turned us into a neighborhood called Ramblefield. It was an older neighborhood, built in the 1980s with single-car garages and split-entry homes.

Harper found the place, and suddenly, I understood.

"You don't need to do this," I said.

"It isn't about her," she replied, "and it isn't for me. This is for Moni."

She climbed out of the car and led the way to the door, ringing the bell.

Nadine answered in a loose sweatsuit with tired eyes and disheveled hair. "Harper? What are you--?" She glanced at me, recognizing her ex-husband's old friend. "Why--?"

"Is Moni here?"

Nadine turned back to Harper. Pointing at me, she began, "What's he doing--?"

"Is Moni here?"

"In her room, but--."

Harper strode past her mother and went up the stairs.

"Harper?" Nadine queried, confused.

At the top, Harper turned right and walked down the hall. Nadine followed her, concerned, and I trailed the two. When I arrived, Harper was inside her half-sister's room. Monique, a blonde so white that she might have been mistaken for an albino, sat on her bed.

"Moni," Harper said, "I love you, and I want to apologize for not being a better sister to you. It's just--your mother, Nadine, she hurt me; she hurt me a lot. She treated me like no mother ought to treat her daughter, and I hated her for it."

"Hey--!" Nadine started.

"If she's hurting you," Harper went on, calmly talking right through the interruption, "I want you to know that I understand and that it doesn't have to be like this. My dad and step-mom are good, kind people. They will take you in, and you'll never have to deal with this woman ever again."

Monique blinked in silent amazement. She listened, but she kept glancing at her mother to see how Nadine would react.

Nadine did, hollering, "Harper, enough! You can't talk about me that way! You--!"

Harper's icy glance halted Nadine. The mother was unused to this show of strength from her oldest. Turning back to Moni, Harper said, "I'm over her. She has no power over me now." Harper spun to Nadine. "You hear that, bitch! I'm beyond you."

Nadine stepped backward. Her mouth fell open.

Moni looked astonished and not unpleased.

Harper said, "Think about it, Moni, for me and for your own well-being." Then she hugged Moni, and we left to the sound of Nadine's screeching rage. The once attractive woman had grown tired-eyed and flabby. She followed us into the driveway with her baying. Harper seemed to never even hear it.

Back in Darin's home, Harper wordlessly took my hand, led me to her bed, and mounted me very gently. She rocked against me for a long time. When the peak arrived, she fell on my chest, hugging me and grinding her ass into me until we were both in that place of perfect peace.

***

The day before Darin and Maria's return, as we lay in bed together, Harper asked, "What if the two-hundredth woman was the last woman you ever slept with?"

Blinking and turning to her, I opened my mouth and closed it. Finally, I said, "I suppose then I would say that I went out on top and saved the best for last."

She smiled.

Continuing, I said, "And I would have a big smile on my face whether I ended up in the good place or--."

She lightly smacked my shoulder. "No, silly. I mean what if the two-hundredth woman is the last different woman you ever slept with?"

"Oh," I said, understanding. Then, comprehending even more clearly, I turned to her and said, "Oh."

She smiled.

"Well," I replied. "My first two statements stand. As for anything more?" I shrugged. "Yeah, I could get used to the idea."

"Me, too," she said.

After a moment, I added, "There is, however, the issue of my best friend."

"Darin?"

I nodded. "I'm not sure he'd be entirely cool with the idea of us as a real couple.

"Why not?"

"There's the idea of it--his daughter and his best friend. That image can't be a comfortable one, but when there's real love, I think that's a surmountable obstacle. No, I think it would be our age difference. He would want you to be with someone closer to your age, and not to his."

She nodded.

"And I'd hate to cause any pain to my best friend."

"And I," Harper agreed, "don't want to be the cause of my Dad losing his best friend." Then, looking more forlorn, she asked, "And what if your two-hundredth woman became just another number?"

"That ain't going to happen. You're no number."

"Maybe I should phrase it this way: what if this--us--ends when Darin and Maria return?"

"I don't like thinking about it."

Harper touched her heart--a very feminine gesture and one I had never seen from her before--saying, "I don't either, but what if? What does that look like?"

"I go home."

"I go to college," she said, "but maybe I see you sometimes, visiting here?"

Shifting my position, I said, "But we couldn't have a secret affair. I couldn't do that to Darin--or Maria."

"It would have to end completely--the sex," she said.

I nodded. Then, I said, "You know how some new couples find themselves at a juncture like this early on--a breaking point, a new job, or apartment or whatever--and then they plunge into a big commitment together?"

"Yeah, I guess," she replied.

"Sometimes it works," I said, "but more often it fails because they made the relationship serious before it had naturally developed into a serious relationship."

"Okay. So--?"

"So, what if we did the opposite?" I suggested. "What if, here at the beginning of things, we ended them by choice? What if we took a relationship we both wanted to be serious and shut it down? As a kind of test. We instantly put our relationship to the test."

"You mean," she asked, "see if we really like each other by giving up each other?"

I nodded. "It spares my friendship with Darin and Maria. We remain friends--good friends--and we spend the time apart, learning how we feel without each other."

"If the break-up wound heals quickly, and we like just being friends--," she began.

"--then we know it wasn't meant to be," I finished.

"And if it festers," she said, "then I know for sure you're the one that I want."

I nodded. "We don't force the next level; we do the opposite."

"Okay," she said. "That's exactly what we'll do--the opposite."

Then I asked Harper what she was going to tell Darin and Maria about herself--about Harper.

"I'll tell them to cancel everything because I've decided to give myself some more time to be Harper."

"They'll ask me about the change of heart, of course."

"Sure they will."

"Harper," I said, "they asked me to come here not to change your mind, but to help you make the best choice. It was never about their wishes for your body, but their wish for you to live as full and joyful a life as possible."

She sighed. "I know. I was just mad when you came. I jumped to a conclusion."

Full disclosure time. "Harper, they told me that they hoped you might have an experience with a man before making a final decision about your body--before the first surgery."

Harper turned to me, dawning realization in her eyes.

"Let me finish," I urged.

She did--barely. Rage simmered.

"I agreed to come for that reason," I explained. "I did, but what I discovered between agreeing to come and actually coming was that the only way I could be here would be as your friend. Never as your seducer. I cast aside that plan and swore I would listen and learn from you, and that's it. I never expected or intended for what's happened to happen. That is the entire truth. I swear it to you."

My words settled some of her anger, but not all. "Darin and Maria though--," she started.

"Don't be angry with them."

"I am angry with them. How could they--?"

"But forgive them, please. They didn't tell me to come fuck you. They asked me to attempt--just attempt--to charm you."

"And if I had been charmed?"

"To follow it where it led."

"Even if that meant my dad's best friend fucking me?"

"It pained Darin no end to say it, but yes."

"Oh, I'm pissed."

"Wait, Harper. Hear me, please. Their decision came from a place of love. It was to allow you to explore your body and your sexuality before you made any irreversible choice. It was no different from a parent encouraging their kid to--to visit a college before deciding which one to attend."

Harper listened. The anger seemed to abate, but I knew she could explode at any second.

I finished, adding, "Maria even explained it to me that way. She used a car metaphor. She and Darin wanted you to take your car for a ride before you traded it in and bought a new one. She thought you might find you liked the car you had."

Harper remained quiet for a while. Finally, she asked, "Maria said that?"

I nodded.

Harper sighed, shaking her head. After a spell, she finally said, "I'm tired of being angry--and I don't want to be angry at Darin and Maria. One parent is enough to scrap."

"You're cool?"

"I'm surprised, but I'm not going to be mad. I've been angry for years. It's time to be happy."

"Okay. I'm glad."

"So what changed your mind about me?" she asked.

"Hmm?"

"You didn't come here to seduce me, but you did. What changed?"

I thought about it. "It was a gradual thing, but I suppose I opened my mind to the possibility when we went jet skiing together. Yours broke down, and you jumped on mine--our bodies touching."

She smiled. "That was fun, and I admit I liked holding you under that life jacket."

"Me ask you one?"

She nodded.

"When did you first think you might postpone the surgeries and try being a female?"

She looked at the ceiling for a while before saying, "I think it was gradual, like your attraction to me, but one of the strange, exciting moments was when you fixated on my breasts. Remember?"

"Yeah."

She smiled. "I know guys like tits, and I know my tits are nice, but I never quite understood how it felt to be desired that way until that moment. It was gratifying and really sexy to see your uncontrollable lust for my breasts."

I grinned, thinking about that day. A question occurred to me, and I asked, "Did any of our conversations make a difference?"

"Of course they did! How can you ask that?"

I shrugged and mumbled an incoherent walk-back.

Harper interrupted it. She said, "The sexiest thing about you--and there is a lot, don't get me wrong--is your honesty."

"Okay, but did any conversations make a difference in how you felt about yourself?"

"Oh. Yeah."

"Which one?"

She thought for a moment and then smiled. "Don't be embarrassed?"

I knew which one. I groaned, "Oh, no. Don't even say--."

"The anal sex conversation."

"Oh, my gosh," I muttered. "I was such an idiot."

"But an honest one. And you did actually make a few good points."

"I don't think so."

"You did, but it was the honesty that mattered."

"How?"

"I learned I could trust that everything you said to me came from a truthful place. There was no agenda."

We kissed. Fun things happened.

***

I understood that, when Darin and Maria returned, it would be a particularly special moment. For one, they had not seen each other for two weeks, but beyond that Harper also intended to inform her father and step-mother of her decision right away. It would bring them all great relief and joy. This would be a family moment; I was not going to hang out for that. It was never my style to be intrusive or to expect gratefulness. So, I changed my tickets to an early flight on the day of their return from the lake.

It was a comfortable, relaxed goodbye between Harper and me. No kiss, but a hug and a smile.

I climbed into the car and started it. Harper stood in her yard, smiling weakly. My gosh, she looked so feminine, so beautifully sad.

Fuck it.

Leaving the car running, I climbed out and went to her. Cradling her face, I kissed her deeply. She offered her tongue, and I took it and gave her mine. When I drew back, I said, "I'm really going to miss you."

Her eyes turned red, and I left before I had to see any tears.

***

Maria called me that night; Darin, the old softie, was too emotional to speak.

"Harper's amazing," I told her. "You guys did good."

"You did good, too."

"And she's okay? Things are well?"

"I have never seen her so disarmed--so ready to be joyful."

"Awesome."

"Did you," Maria asked, "uncover something we never learned about her past with Nadine?"

"No," I said, "but we had a moment where that guard of hers finally came down, and she just let it out. I think she let it all out for good."

"That seems to be the case. She told us about taking you with her to Nadine's and her invitation to Monique. We were amazed and very proud of her."

"Anything come of that?"

"Not yet," she replied. After a beat, Maria said, "I know you'll want to keep secret the intimacy you shared with our dear Harper, and I won't ask you for details--."

"Thank you."

"--But it has occurred to both Darin and me that, in retrospect, we ought never to have burdened you with such a request. It was not the act of your friends to use you in the way we did. I'm sorry. We're sorry. We were desperate, and desperate people sometimes make awful decisions."

"We're cool, Maria. Tell Darin that, and I'm okay."

"Are you truly? We've known you for many years, and despite all the bluster about your sexual triumphs, we know you enter into relationships with sincerity and honor. We know you're not without a heart."

I hesitated. "Thanks, Maria. I appreciate that," I finally replied. Then after a short internal debate, I told her the real reason I went and stayed with Harper. I told her how, long before I flew down, I threw their plan out the window and decided I could only be there as her friend.

Maria didn't respond.

I finished, saying, "I never intended for what happened between us to happen. It--it grew."

"Oh, my," she almost whispered. "Do you--are you and Harper in a committed relationship?"

I told Maria about our "do the opposite" plan.

And I explained why I suggested it.

It mostly had to do with Harper's position. She was young, of course. More than that, she was in a whirlwind of change--from this body to that one, from high school to college, from thrall to the memory of Nadine's torment to free woman, and from virgin to experienced. There was just too much for me to add a long-distance relationship with her father's thirty-five-year-old best friend.

To deal with all of those changes at eighteen? Not that she couldn't navigate them, but that she shouldn't have to. The easiest sacrifice was me. That's why I ended things.

Maybe Harper even saw it that way, too, I added.

"So, you made love to her," Maria affirmed--not disapprovingly--as if it had settled a question.

"Yes."

"Are you in love with her?" Her tone was gentle, full of empathy.

"There are too many ifs. If she wasn't Darin's kid. If she was older and more settled in who she is, and so on."

"I understand--and thank you for telling me the whole truth. Darin needs to know."

"I know."

"I'm so sorry for what we asked you to do. Can you ever forgive us?"

"Yeah, but I need time. Tell Darin."

***

For the first time, I didn't play in the golf tournament Darin hosted every August for old Army buddies. I didn't visit that fall either, even though I was in Fort Sill twice for the BOQ renovation project.

What's more? We didn't talk on the phone. I didn't reach out to him, nor did he to me. Maria sent emails every so often. Darin was "processing what happened."

I shook my head in frustration at that. He asked me to seduce his daughter through craft, but the thought of us naturally coming together disturbed him? Fuck you, dude.

Maria's notes kept me factually abreast of Harper's college experience but offered no insight into Harper's feelings.

One thing for which my "do the opposite" plan did not account was when Harper and I should communicate. She didn't call or text me, and I didn't reach out to her. I figured if she was doing poorly, she'd let me know. And I wasn't about to re-open an old wound that, for her, might be healing well.

Maria's notes always asked if I had found a new woman. I only answered the query once, telling her I wasn't really looking. I wasn't. For the first time in my adult life, I was abstinent by choice--for months on end.

Let me be clear: I wasn't some emo pussy about it. I didn't mope or fucking cry. I worked and chilled. I just didn't want to date any other girl because I didn't want any other girl. The minute Maria sent me a note, letting me know that Harper had a serious boyfriend, then I would know. Then maybe I would teach myself to forget about her.

Maria contacted me twice more before Christmas. Around Thanksgiving, she indicated Harper was looking forward to time off at home for semester break. Then, when I never wrote that I was coming for New Year's--a typical get-together for Darin and me--Maria called me.

She told me to leave open the second Friday in December because Darin was coming to see me. He needed to talk.

"Talk or fight?" I asked.

"Just talk--oh, I don't know. Please don't fight," Maria pleaded.

"That's up to him."

***

I picked him up from the airport and drove us in silence to a quiet lounge near his hotel. I grabbed a table and he got the drinks--a shot and a beer each. When he set them on the table, he raised his hand--hang on.

I waited.

"Pop these first," he said, pointing at the whiskey, "then talk."

We didn't toast. We slugged down the shots and washed them down our bottles.

"Who goes first?" I asked, stifling a belch.

"Me."

"Go."

"Tell me about the girl," Darin began.

I blinked at him, perplexed.

"The one," he said very naturally, "that you spent time with last summer at her parents' house."

I still hesitated. What the fuck? Finally, I said, "Harper?"

"That's the one," he said as if just then remembering.

"Darin--."

"Look, the only way we can be friends is if what happened doesn't fuck up our friendship. I always ask about your ladies. I'm asking about this one."

I nodded, willing to give it a try--a PG-rated try. "She's short. Skinny. Young. She was too young--still figuring out her life and herself." I shrugged. "Wasn't meant to be."

"So, you ended things?"

I nodded.

"Any new women?"

I shook my head.

He blinked, surprised. "Then tell me more about Harper. What did you like about her?"

"Smart as a whip. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. We had long conversations and plenty of arguments. She's got a temper, a wicked sense of humor, and at her core, a really good heart."

Darin smiled.

"She's no pushover," I continued, "and she fights for what's right. She loves her family, hates her birth mother. But, I think she's at peace with her anger there. Her Dad and step-mom did a hell of a job."

He nodded and took a swig from his bottle. I did, too.

"Why haven't you found a new one?" he asked.

"This one kinda stung."

"You--you really liked her?"

I nodded. "Didn't plan to."

"Tough break, bud."

"Yeah," I muttered before taking another gulp of beer.

Silence followed. A long one. Darin put his elbows on the table, leaning in as if ready to say something, but he didn't. He took a drink. Then I did. Silence.

"Fuck it," he spat. "I'm sorry."

We looked at one another.

Continuing, he said, "I am sorry I asked you to do what I asked."

I nodded.

He laughed ruefully, saying, "So you think you know something--a principle you've known for a long time. You live by it. You preach it. Then, life throws a problem at you, and it is so confusing that you abandon what you've known and lived by. You think, 'Oh, this must be an exception to my rule' and just that easily, you've abandoned principle and made the ends justify the means. That's what I did to you and Harper, and I apologize. Maria and I--we were falling. We were falling, and in our panic, we dragged you down with us."