Therapeutic Sessions Ch. 02

I told my husband that of course, the family would go with him. I swore I saw a half pitch of an eyebrow as if challenging me about who decided the fate or happiness of 'the family.' I went to him, giving him a warm hug, and he almost reciprocated. It's almost impossible to fake happiness when you're scared to death.

Two days later, I was back in Barbara's office. The dread and panic were too much to take.

"This may be a good thing, Allison," she said optimistically. "Think of it as a fresh start. You get all the new scenery and distance to help you with a clean break. That sabbatical, for instance." Barb was reflective momentarily. "However, what if he does know, or at least suspects? How will you deal with that?"

It was my turn to reflect. "I'm not entirely sure. I know for a fact that Rob's the love of my life, despite my actions with Dane. I suppose I'll dedicate myself to proving that love, even if he rejects it initially. I'll be truthful about anything and everything. I'll be committed to building a new life with him."

"Those are all the right answers, Allie," she replied. "And what if he doesn't want that, or needs to separate for a time?"

"That would make me sad," I told her, "but I wouldn't fault him. I'm also willing to wait him out until he feels he can trust me again. If he doesn't know, or if this is about something else, then I intend to deal with it once we get to our new surroundings. It's funny, in a way I'm excited about the move."

>>>>

A month later, Rob and I were hosting a bon voyage party on a Saturday afternoon. Our friends, neighbors, and a few people from Rob's work were there to send us off. The only other people there were the three women from my latest group session. Maricella and Sue brought going away gifts, but Linda did not. I worried that she had gotten closer to Dane, and perhaps he spilled the beans to her.

Around five-thirty Rob walked out of the house talking to a guest. When I heard the voice answer him behind me, I almost threw up all over the neighbor I'd been chatting with. What was he doing here? was all I could think. I turned instinctively, and there was Dane, smiling at me.

He walked right up to me and looked at the neighbor excusing himself for interrupting. He took my hand, not as a lover, but rather as a business acquaintance.

"Hello, Allison," he said warmly, placing his other hand on my forearm. "I can't stay long, but I wanted to wish you success, and much happiness in your new adventures."

I was lost for words. I'm sure my face was white or flushed. "Ah... Thanks." That was my great response.

"Sorry I've interrupted," he replied releasing his touch on me. "I'm going to go say hi to the group."

I turned and locked eyes with Rob, who was directly behind me. That's when I almost passed out. I hastily excused myself, claiming I had to use the ladies' room. There's no way Rob wouldn't know I was in there a long time for a potty break.

Forty minutes later, Dane came back over, bid me farewell, and walked toward the house with my husband. Minutes later I heard a familiar car engine start and walked over to the gate. I got there in time to see my car driving away. I turned and there was Rob again. I had no words and simply stared at him. I couldn't imagine what was happening.

"I sold Dane your car," he said with little to no emotion.

"What? Why?" I asked in a stupor, trying to understand if I'd heard him correctly.

"Because you don't need it and he did." Was his simple answer. Then he turned his back on me when I didn't have anything immediate to say and walked away. He knew. Dane told him, or he found out and went to confront Dane. I almost called off the move. I've never been more frightened in my entire life. I was frozen in place and my body didn't want to do anything.

Finally, I went back to the party and pretended that my life wasn't unraveling until everyone left. Rob seemed pleased with himself and I caught a few smirks when our eyes met.

Later in bed, I waited for my husband with dread. He never arrived and I was too petrified to go looking. If I got two hours of sleep that night, It was a lot. The next morning I was in my small office, gathering my personal belongings. I stared at that damned couch for quite some time, cursing it and my stupidity. The movers were coming later that afternoon, and I had to stop off at our doctor's office and the kids' school to finalize some things.

Two days later, we were in Rob's car, driving through Bryce Canyon, Utah. The kids had fallen asleep in the back, probably a combination of boredom and a lack of sleep the previous night. They had been acting out, either because of the abrupt move, or their parents being so off, or both.

I was staring out the passenger window. The trip had been very quiet between me and Rob. I decided it was time. We had at least another four-day drive, with the kids in tow, and I wouldn't be able to take it.

"So you talked with Dane," I said turning towards him. It wasn't framed as a question.

Rob let out a nervous breath. "Allie, the kids." He said without looking at me.

"They're asleep," I quickly responded. "If they wake up, we'll stop and continue later tonight."

Another sigh, and then Rob took first his left hand, then his right, and wiped them on his pants. He'd been white-knuckling the steering wheel.

"Yeah, I spoke to Dane," he finally answered. "Even before he came to see me, I think I knew. I knew something was horribly wrong."

So, Dane did initiate the contact. I had to find out how bad it was. Before I could though, he continued.

"Why, Allie?" His voice breaking made me break with him - for him. "That's all I need to know. Why would you do something like that to me? I can't imagine that you still love me, although Dane was adamant that you do."

"What did he say to..." I began.

"No!" Rob's volume rose as he interrupted. "You don't get to ask questions. You answer me. Tell me why, Allie, or we can drive in silence and go for a divorce when we get there."

I realized then the precarious perch I'd put myself on. Rob was a loving man, a calm, rational, and even-keeled man. Just then, I understood the pain. His eyes looked dead. If I screwed up - said the wrong thing - I or all of us could be in real trouble.

"I don't know, Rob," I said in the most passive voice I could. "If I did, you would have heard it from me first. I've thought of almost nothing since, and I still can't answer, at least not one I'm satisfied with."

Rob relaxed a bit. I guess he knew me as well as I knew him. "Okay," he went on. "The second time then. Why did you go back to the well a second fucking time?"

"That's the thing I'm most ashamed of," I said right away. "I know how bad it looks because it's just that bad to me. If it had been you, that's what I'd want to know. That's the thing I might not be able to get past." I allowed a sniffle, but I held back the tears. He deserved answers - honest ones - not a sobbing wife.

"Some things will be changing when we get to White Plains," he was more stoic and controlled now. I knew he was about to lay out his demands.

"First," he continued, "I've set up three appointments with therapists for you. You can choose the best one, and you'll figure out 'why' or we're finished."

He paused to see if I'd object. When I didn't, he kept at it. "Dane told me he seduced you. I'm not sure I can buy that. He's five years younger than you for Christ's sake and he's your patient. I'm not sure what to believe, but he seemed sincere. He told me that he wasn't some Casanova, so we must have issues in our marriage. My biggest issue with you is, if you can fall that easily with him, what happens the next time? He suggested a change of scenery. I think he was suggesting a cruise or something. I wanted to kill him, Allie. I've never felt like that before. It took every fiber of my being not to kill him. Later, I realized that if he was telling the truth, then I needed to get us as far away from everything as possible. Your job, those people, our home. So, I made some calls and talked to my boss."

Rob was right about everything he said, which left me silent but listening intently. All except the seducing, that is. There would be time for me to correct that later.

"Second," he said with more urgency, "There's something I need to do if we're going to try to make this work." His long pause sent a chill through me. "My old college girlfriend lives south of Buffalo."

He stopped again as if wanting me to figure out what that meant. I knew, but wanted to make him say it, so I just stared questioningly into his eyes.

"You know me, Allie," he said quieter. "I have the capacity for forgiveness. For compassion, and perhaps even grace, but I need certain things as a man, in order to grant those things. My ego and I suppose my pride have taken a big hit here. If we have any chance at all, I'll first need to be able to get the images of you two out of my head. Do you understand?"

I was a licensed therapist, so of course I did. It didn't mean I had to like it.

"Please, Rob," I almost begged, "I don't think I could hand..."

"Too bad, wife," he snarled. "You need to feel what I feel. But this isn't about some twisted revenge. We can't move forward if you don't understand my feelings, and I need to get my self-esteem back. Once we're on more even footing, and you can delve into the root causes for what happened, then we can try to rebuild a life. The past is simply that, for me anyway. There's no going back to what we had."

I couldn't help but bawl. Knowing what he was saying, and the calm, yet resentful way he explained, sent my mind reeling. The reality in those few words stung. That we might indeed be finished, and any chance for a future would be based on a new relationship, brought the angst to the surface where it morphed into profound sadness. I had ruined the most beautiful thing in my life.

When you know - deep down how someone feels about you, someone very important to you - what is their absolute opinion of you, and then you do something to radically change that opinion, it hurts. I felt physically ill sitting there. My brain hurt and so did my heart. The pressure in my chest felt like I might have a heart attack. I knew it was simply my tensed muscles, but I decided to bask in that pain. It was the least I could do at that moment for the man I loved.

"Whatever it takes, Rob," I replied. "You've given me a new lease, so to speak, and I love you too much not to do everything I can and more to prove it."

He made a noise under his breath and refocused on the highway. I'm not religious and hadn't been to church since I was a kid, but staring at my husband then, I said a thank you prayer in my head.

>>>>

The first week in our new life was hectic. The movers arrived two days after we did and started to bring things in. I had to register the kids at school since we were almost a month behind. They at least seemed to get through the craziness okay.

After that, I immediately made appointments with the therapists. I settled on Haley Whelan. She was a very heavy lady which sort of turned me off, but her manner was 'no-nonsense,' and that was just what I needed.

Over time, she helped me understand that I had indeterminately allowed my deep need to help Dane mesh with my desire for his charisma. While placing the blame squarely on my shoulders, she also hinted that Dane could likely be an infant predator - a young version of the middle-aged, debonaire, hunter, that we all saw portrayed in the movies. Haley was hard on me, and that was because not only was I her client, but it was her responsibility to help ensure therapist-to-therapist that it would never happen with me again.

Nothing about our life in White Plains was easy. I hated the weather. Just going to the downtown area after dropping the kids at school was an exercise. Everyone was so different from the people in California. All that village stuff we learned in psych school was a crock. They judged me openly with their eyes. It took me a week to realize it was my clothing that brought on the looks. I had to get a new wardrobe. And that was the least of it.

At home, it was worse. Rob was working long hours at his new job. We decided - well, he told me - that I was going to be a stay-at-home mother for a while, at least until I worked through my issues with the therapist. I felt lost, and often worthless. Many times, I thought about throwing in the towel. Then I would think about Rob and what he must be going through - we didn't discuss what happened or even talk much - all the hurt and feelings of betrayal. The strength it took for him to rearrange our entire lives and to work toward forgiveness.

I never knew if he kept good on his promise to screw his old lover. If it happened, it must have been on a long business lunch, because Rob was always otherwise where he was supposed to be. Over time, the anxiety I had about it faded. I decided that if he could get his man card back, then it was better for our relationship in the long run.

It was three-and-a-half months after the move before Rob relented to intimacy. I say 'relented' because I was a dutiful wife and dressed to please his senses. It wasn't pretty either. Rob kept going soft, and then hard and soft again. That soon became an elephant in the room, and we ended up cuddling. I could see his heart wasn't into that either, but I held onto him for dear life.

We tried again two weeks later. I put on some of our favorite music, on low volume, along with some candles. Of course, he knew what I was up to, but things got better. We still couldn't complete intercourse. Weeks later, Rob came to a counseling session with me - his first. That was when he learned what the therapist and I had discovered together.

After the kids were tucked in, Rob and I sat down and had our first meaningful conversation in a long time. He didn't seem to expect me to throw myself at his mercy, so we just talked like two adults. I saw him wince at a few statements, but he plowed through. I sat in wonder about the strong, self-controlled man I'd married.

Later, we made love. It was a long time coming for both of us. We still had plenty of apprehensions, but we were healing, my spirit was uplifted, and it gave me the strength needed to put everything I had into our marriage - something I realized I'd taken for granted in the months leading up to my encounter with Dane.

Rob forgave but never forgot. I gladly took that. Things could have been so much worse for all of us. I never spoke to Dane again. After the kids started junior high, I went back to work - as a forensic psychologist for the county.

The children are grown now, and Rob and I are planning to retire next year. I've booked a surprise Caribbean cruise for us. I love and respect my husband more today than when we first met. Not many men that I've encountered over the years - both within my practice or outside of it - would have had the courage or the foresight to do what Rob did, certainly not being so level-headed while going through the five stages of grief.

Besides being my husband, Rob is a person after whom I've tried to model myself. He taught me things I never learned in school - any school. Things like compassion, grace, and virtue, while still standing firmly on his morals. He led our marriage with all those things - from a place of loving strength, not an iron fist. I try to emulate them with the children, grandchildren, and of course my patients.