All Comments on 'There's a Serpent in Every Garden'

I wonder how many of those who condemn all police for the human failings of a few would like to live in a community with no police, and only "community leaders." How many fewer of those would be willing to confront the bullies and immoral underworld part of any society? Good story, and thanks.

This story is one that begins with tragedy, the finding of new love, cheating and romance. The BTB crowd will hate it. The romantics will love it. And the creative writing Nazis will probably tear it up. Enjoy and thanks for reading

After reading the two main characters in this tale I am having trouble equating Monty’s behaviour to the way he is portrayed by his son, his wife/exwide/wife, parents, friends and coworkers. That was the only aspect of the story I could not “connect” to.

"Starlet"? She was 49, not 19!

That's way too old to be "discovered" as an actress. Acting is a young woman's game... Haven't you heard all the older ones complaining about ageism and the lack of roles available? Besides that, the media don't go crazy about old actresses. Everything about the whore's adventures in Hollywood was totally unbelievable!

I felt sorry for the husband in this. His psychotic slut of a first wife kills herself when she got knocked up with a bastard, publicly outing him as a cuckold. Then he marries a whore who can't keep her legs closed. He spends years moping around alone, then gets shot! After dealing with that shit for years he reconciled with a woman that betrayed him at the drop of a hat...

One of the most depressing stories I've read in ages!

You have a really decent story here. But it's all muddled and jarring from one plot point, to the next. And they don't connect. They could. And that's unfortunate. Everything is in place here for a story.

Your dialogue is good, the plot lines are interesting. I read the whole thing. Your writing ability is fine. But the characters you'v made, the logic of your world fails to connect. It leaves me jarred out of the story line saying, "i don't get it. why?" We never get to understand why the husband can move on so easily one moment, another moment, and then get so hung up the next. He literally went from easily moving on from the SAME woman, into becoming fixated on her emotionally. Did he have a mental break? If so, I wasn't informed. I can't even make your story make sense. And I tried. And I want your story to make sense, because it's a pleasant read.

Another point is why so much attention to the beginning of the story if you never use it. It was a good beginning too. Why not just state the basics and move on. You started to delve into it for no reason. We never see his past trauma come back to influence him. No one mentions it. His daughter vanishes from planet earth. In it's current form, there isn't much of a connection between the two halves of your story. It's just you stating facts about his history. Even a small blurb about, "Is she going to turn out just like my deceased ex wife?" would have connected them.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm only telling you this to help you improve other stories. I think you're good at this.

Enjoyed it. FWIW, there’s no such thing as female cum, it’s urine. Not as romantic or sexy.

It's not a good story. It's not erotic or even interseting. The POV jumps around like a superball, the characters are cardboard caricatures and the writing is sophomoric. You're not good at writing. Maybe try painting.

Felt very rushed

I felt like I had to READ it fast

This was an interesting scenario although too much time travel with lost space.

good try and issues to tackle.

Loved reading it. Thought it could easily go very badly. Loved the way you concluded it.

Thanks!

A decent story unfortunately spoiled by peculiar writing.

He was a cuck for tolerating her cheating while they dated

And he is a cuck for tolerating her cheating while they were married

Sorry, but your shifting of POV was able to be followed until the third act. You seemed to mix up the POV and characters that the story became so hard to follow.

You packed way too much into this story, much of which makes no sense together. The only thing missing would have been the movie star to moonlight as a CIA assassin.

For me, the story lost all interest the minute the Hollywood story line started. It was a reasonable story until then. The story jumped the shark with the whole Hollywood plot line. At 49 she was so hot as a principle that a Hollywood producer makes her a superstar just so he can bed her. Not gonna happen. He would have been after a 19 year old. The 49 year old he would have just used and tossed. If she wasn't putting out, he would not have bothered.

Ironically, it was basically the same plot you already had going... She was being seduced by a wealthy powerful man... When she was a "senior principle"... The whole Hollywood part was pointless and only dragged things out in a nonsensical way.

Also, you said she was 62 at the end. That means she starred with Jennifer in 2002 or 2003 ish. That was really at the start of her career, when she was still doing Alias and before Daredevil / Elektra. She played Jennifer Garner's sister? Shouldn't she have been her MOM??

Lastly, if the hero was so good to women, with such a big dick and superior sexual skills, why was he unable to keep a woman from fucking other men?

Not fun for me.

KB

Why do so many writers on here go brain dead with the dialogue. NO ONE talks the way these two do particularly in page one. It doesn't flow, its repetitive. Did you even read what you wrote? She's going back to clean up the mess after he was shot only to sign on for more movies? She's 49, not a fucking starlet. Did he NEVER ever see or talk to his DAUGHTER after she went to college, he's worse than the bitch ignoring her son for fame 1*

Maybe a little suspension of belief was required, as in the movie starlet part. But I really enjoyed your story. The flow was a little choppy, but not enough to hurt it for me. All in all, a very good effort.

Decent story, but a little unbelievable. It would be a good story line for a Soap Opera. You're a good writer, keep working at it.

I really enjoyed your story. Hope you keep writing. 5

I like BTB and I like reconciliation when it is earned. Not sure if Jean really earned it. She lied to and cheated on Monty multiple times. Even when she's supposedly being the only one for Monty she allows guys to kiss her and feel her up with tepid resistance.

Sure she says she actively resists, but when Monty is there without her knowing he witnesses her being a human braille chart. So how much of her 'resistance' is real and how much is just her minimizing her deplorable behavior.

Face it. She's pretty much a POS. When push comes to shove, it's all about her. She will destroy a good relationship so she can have some fun. Hell, she abandoned her own son so she can live the Hollywood dream.

I think I would better accept the ending if it didn't seem to be rushed. OK, they decide to get back together again. Fine. But, do they need to get married before going home? Wouldn't it make more sense to have trial relationship before going through legal entanglements? After all, it's not like she's adverse to sex outside the marriage. That's seems to be her problem. Sex early, often, with whomever.

and it had a good resolution, which I liked.

The story line meandered around a bit. Went from being all about Monty the widower, to being all about Jean the principal/movie star. A little unlikely that a school principal would become a film star but, it's your story, whatever.

Liked it overall.

Keep writing.

I knew some would be ok with it. Some wouldn’t. It’s called fiction. Anything goes. I don’t see the Bad mouthing anons posting anything. Mostly because they can’t. I don’t claim to be a professional writer. I write for fun and my own pleasure. Thank you all for your honest feed back. I take the ones that rip it up with a grain of salt.

Female "ejaculate" is NOT urine. Numerous studies have confirmed the absence of urine. The liquid is clear, odorless and has none of the characteristics of urine.

Here is a quote from one researcher: "If there is the opportunity to observe the orgasm of such women, one can see that large quantities of a clear transparent fluid are expelled not from the vulva, but out of the urethra in gushes. At first I thought that the bladder sphincter had become defective by the intensity of the orgasm. Involuntary expulsion of urine is reported in sex literature. In the cases observed by us, the fluid was examined and it had no urinary character. I am inclined to believe that "urine" reported to be expelled during female orgasm is not urine, but only secretions of the intraurethral glands correlated with the erotogenic zone along the urethra in the anterior vaginal wall. "

In other words, it is NOT urine and claims that it is are FALSE.

KB

You should not dismiss negative comments as "ripping it up". If you only listen to praise you don't learn to get better. Yes, ignore the petty and insulting comments, but the criticism is generally offered by people trying to help you. To be a writer in LW, one must have thick skin.

The main criticism from me is the story was good when it was about Monty. When it switched to being about him, it was a different story. It probably would have worked better as two unrelated stories.

This is where editors and beta readers are helpful. You want people who will tell you what works and what doesn't, which parts are good and which suck.

KB

King, I don’t ignore the negative comments when they are constructive and well meaning. As you know from the comments on your stories that some of the anons just comment to be nasty. That’s ok. I pretty much do ignore those folks because they obviously have issues with relating constructive criticism. You have read my stories and know that I have had a lot of positive feedback as well as good criticism. I wasn’t going to argue with the urine comment. I know what it is....lived with a squirter for many years. I appreciate your thoughts on my efforts, always trying to improve. Have a great day

I'd suggest you get an editor and/or a beta reader. Anytime I have to reread a paragraph just to figure out who is now "I", you've put me just that much further outside your story. The unsignaled changes of perspective from one paragraph to the next were particularly jarring. Feel free to ignore the suggestion, but I know I'm not alone in this despite all the "basic English skills don't matter" trolls. A well-written story is much better and fresh eyes catch things that the writer doesn't. It's a well-document fact of writing anything, be it fiction or a technical manual: since we "know" what we said, we don't see what we actually said.

Just my two cents. Thanks for the story.

Many authors write separate chapters for the different perspective changes. Admittedly, sometimes it means a lot of dialogue is repeated (IMO sometimes too much of it), but it really cuts down on the jarring perspective changes.

Some authors have used a separator other than a new chapter (but more than just a paragraph) like a physical line such as a bunch of pluses (+++++++) or (ooooOoooOooo) — SOMETHING to signify to the reader some sort of major change had occurred, rather than, “...wait, I thought that was him talking, but now it sounds like she’s talking because she said he instead of she??? What? No. It was he, but the author had a typo... oh, no she said he again so it must have changed perspectives... oh wait now she is saying she so must be he... did it change perspective again or is this another typo... or is this the typo and the other was a change in perspective???”

You do that more than 3 or 4 times in the first two pages and it gets irritating and tiresome.

ADMITTEDLY I didn’t find too many problems with this in your writing — just a few — but since a few people did complain I just thought I’d offer a way to mitigate those complaints in future.

...and your changes of perspective were just fine.

Enjoyed the story. Take constructive criticism and ignore the Buttheads.

I enjoyed your story and can believe it as a truthful fictional possibility, I am a retired school teacher and an entertainer and yes, there are serpents of all sizes and types. I liked the story. Would like to read another. Thank you.

"It’s called fiction." - Which is why you should say anything like, "Readers, the first 2 chapters of this story with a few enhanced events to make it interesting are basically true!"

I really liked your story and the reconciliation - she made a mistake and had genuine remorse. Well done. I certainly want to read more of your work. Only one minor thing - you keep using `too' instead of 'to'. Too means also or eg - too much. Sorry about pointing this out and hope you don't mind me doing so.

Overall it was ok, but hard to believe...and no I’m not talking about the Hollywood aspect. They both didn’t act in a believable way. He came off as whiney and acts more like someone who had been dumped rather then someone who did the dumping. Having her feeling guilty and remorseful is fine especially early on, but his constant whining and yet refusing to reunite should eventually start to wear on her and start annoying her and driving her away. I think the story would have played better with her finally getting fed up with his un willingness to recouple an start going on with her life and just when she appears to have moved on(Hollywood and all) he is shot and all the feelings return paving the way toward reconciliation.

I might have missed it, but what happened to his daughter after she went to college? Did she fall off the face of the earth? Why wasn't she there when he was shot?

I honestly couldn't see this as reconciliation, she didn't deserve it.

Good story. Sorry others want you to write it differently.

Good entertaining story. She was obviously a serial cheater who was enjoying her first divorce with plenty of cock . When she married Monty who she always claimed to be so in love with so easily cheat. She not only cheated but but got her pussy fingered and tits sucked in broad daylight in public and he even gave her a chance telling her not to do it but she went and got fucked anyway. The one thing that I found weird was his daughter from his first wife was gone , never mentioned again

You had a good story going here until you decided to turn it into just another pathetic RAAC story!!

Why did he not seek out his first wife's lover and take some retribution,as being pregnant with his child is what caused her suicide?.

Monty may have been a good cop but as a husband and man he sucked. His pity party needed to end.

For a cop Monty acted like a little bitchy high school girl. She should have dumped him and moved on.

She was in college then never mentioned again. She would have been at the hospital after he was shot. Big oversight.

You are correct. Both daughters totally got lost as I was thinking and writing. Sorry bout that. Hopefully it didn’t hurt thev story that much. Thanks for the feedback

One criticism was the switching from third person to 1st person and then suddenly have her as 1st person. Other than that wonderful read.

This isn’t ‘true love,’ this is masochism.

keep them coming rob

"I want to throw you in the floor and ravage your body."

How do you throw someone IN the floor?

Still a 5 star story.

Maybe you're comfortable with this formula, but i rarely see you break anything up.

Wife has toe rings/ankle rings, and husband has minor foot fetish (this is just my own theory, but i'v NEVER seen a faithful woman wearing an ankle ring/toe ring. they seem to be more of loose woman give-away than a tramp-stamp)

Wife like to flirt in all your stories, but 'she never let's it get outta hand'.

It gets, 'outta hand'. one day.

Husband finds out quickly. Wife half lies in damage control mode, which is worse moving forward because it tells us she's still lying.

Wife seems to REALLY enjoy the illicit sex, but for some reason in all your stories the husband becomes a permanent sad sack. Even meeting new women can't shake his sadness. But apparently the wife moves on just fine.

The wife is always confident she can fuck and talk her way back into husband's good graces. Her actions are god-awful in showing genuine remorse. They all have jobs that promote flirtatious behaviors, and never make a move to quit.

The husband, like a good sacrificial hero, can't even bring himself to dislike toxic wife. Always complimenting and being positive towards them in polite conversation. Most 'proud' men would throw a few barbs, and grow to hate their ex wives. Love and hate are linked, but your stories always seem to treat these emotions as separate things.

Husband gets shot.

Magically from deus ex machina, that means they get back together. Nothing was resolved, no effort on the cheater's part. Wife may verbally beat herself up, but makes no adult moves to grow up.

I'm not a fan of some of these elements, but I obviously still read them. It's good writing, but I want you to be aware of these repeat themes. It's practically the same story with new names. Try to mix it up a little. Maybe the wife feels actual shame, and not just short term guilt? Maybe the husband is eventually happier without wife? Maybe it's the husband that cheated on the wife? Maybe the ex wife has to show some effort, instead of waiting for you to write about the shooting she's hoping for in order to swoop in and 'win him back' by being a nurse....

The writing was on the wall at 'DOA on arrival', maybe your editor was DOA too!

He should have said bye after he wanted to be exclusive and she said she still had to go on five dates she promised.

Good story!

Good story. I would NEVER allow her 3 times to CUCK me!!!

Yes it is your fantasy and yes you can make whatever you want out of it! But why do your male protagonists mostly have to be blubbering wimps and cuckolds?

This was a reasonable plot and the story flowed good until the end. Then I got too soap opera and syruby, keep writing.

Another story about a stupid, pussy whipped moron.

Monty is a asshole. She cheated fine he divorced her good its what she deserved. But being a jealous asshole because his EX wife had a successful life after the divorce and trying to run her down and turn her son against her was asshole material. She should have left his ass alone and lonely.

The first 3rd of the first page description of the husband's first wife slide into depression, erratic behavior, and eventual demise was brilliant. The rest was a classic loving wives story.

With all the drama in the story, that for me was the finest part. That sounded so plausible and convincing, by the time I finished the story, I was thinking, damn that part was a really well written description of someone's slide into depression.

Cheers. *****

Every story has its flaws, as did this one. With that being said, I enjoyed it from start to finish, even if it seemed a bit melodramatic at times.

You get what you settle for. They both got what they deserved. Glad they think it ended well for them. Somebody has to occupy that end of the bell-shaped curve.

He’s just so noble that, even though he fucked her as soon as she opened the door for their first date, he didn’t do one night stands, and he demanded exclusively from the very start . . . or the very start after he had already fucked her. This is about as realistic as Jennifer Garner as Electra!

Monty is supposedly such a tremendous lover, but he can’t keep a woman at home? And he apparently never fucked anyone else after the divorce? Yeah, that’s realistic!

There’s a tendency among LW authors to make the cheated on husbands just plain perfect, and that never quite works.

RR

What kind of pussywhipped idiot would take back a woman who had already cheated on him twice??

Was a decent story until it suddenly and irrationally changed directions with the introduction of the Hollywood fantasy baloney...at her age nothing like that is remotely possible let alone probable. She was a selfish and entitled serial liar and cheater and certainly never demonstrated any consistent behavior changes that would provide any redemption of this character....she deserved burning and a life of loneliness.

1. No woman starts a career in Hollywood at her age, and certainly not as a leading woman. Moreover, every actress I've know has slutted to get roles.

2. Apart from the fact that she's a two-time loser slut, the whole thing is mawkish at the end.

I agree with you, she's a slut to her heart and he's a natural cuckold. I hope his son is more of a man than he was.

There is something inherently wrong with your head. Get yourself examined by a medical professional. I recommend Mengele.

It could have been good except for two major MISSES; 1. Monty has a college age daughter - what happen to her, where did she go? 2. Jean has a teenage daughter - what happen to her, where did she go? Neither of the two daughters ever babysat Jr or were involved in Jean, Monty, Jr's lives? Nor present for any weddings???

/

Hard for me to believe Jean remained a High School Principle with such amoral conduct the whole city police force and School Board knew about.

/

It seemed Rob5373 needed to touch every LW cliche` invented to create slutty wives and pitiful husbands to make a tear jerker. But Rob missed adding a Ranger/SEAL intervention but smoothly covered it by using Hollywierd. Hmm, no STD, miscarriages, or law suites but there is the sick foot fetish...

/

3* at best for the daughter misses. Hooyah, Salute!

Monty the CUCK!!! She is a PROVEN cheater and liar!!!

No

jtwheels

Don't write anymore, just DON'T

Daughters? His and hers! One sentence each just to say they were there. Then they were GONE.

Rob#s ... did you EVER read back over what you wrote. Is it just inconvenient, or can’t you stand to do that?

she is a round heeled slut to start and then she goes to Hollywood where all the round heeled sluts are anyways. She strayed twice and then decided after she is divorced to be celibate. Bull shit! Women don't work that way. Once a cheat they will always be unsatisfied and most of all selfish. So write another story about how she sluts herself again down the road.

Great story. Loved it and loved the ending. Ignore the brainless shits that don't know what true love is and it conquers all.

At least the whore was no longer influencing children as a teacher/educator. Her version of love is pretty toxic too.

Great story! Damn, I'd say, worth 5 big stars. So sick of hearing about Hollyweird. Haven't watched a tv in over 25 years now and don't miss it one bit. Ooops, I watched a Superbowl 24 years ago but that's it, lol.

A truly good story that holds ones attention. I can not understand many of the comments. Do people not realize that the authors here are not being paid for their efforts? Why do these commenters show the rest of us their rot-gut venomous bile? Thanx Rob, I appreciate your efforts. LP

A pointless story for beta men

Another worthless cuck story about a cheating whore and a man with no self respect. 1 star but not worth rating.

Jean was right about "letting a skilled seducer get to her". Michael Norris was the villain, he cunningly "seduced" her, she was completely innocent. Monty(was a name for a police officer!) was also right to apologise to Jean for "not protecting her from the snake that invaded our garden." His wife was totally honest and chaste otherwise. This story is more Hollywoody than Hollywood itself. 1 star.

This bloke was a cop? Shit please tell me idiots like this bloke are not out there protecting us⭐️⭐️⭐️

Quite the plot. Character development is well above average. The conclusion though not unexpected was well written and quite embarrassing to not only the director but to Hollywood in general. Especially, since all us normal people read about is the myrtle marriage go round amid the stories of ego-centric morons trying to explain why their view of the world is the correct one even though they don't actually live in reality.

Good and interesting story. Yes, a person can change, but that's probably the exception rather than the rule when it comes to cheaters. I suspect the time frame of ending the shoot to the movie coming out in a month is a bit fast, but that's a quibble.

She is a whore. He is a cuck. End of story. People don’t change.

What's this, 10 strikes and ... you get to start over with a fresh count?

Ridiculous RAAC.

Disappointed, you made a wimp of the man, she cheats on him 3 times and he still cries over her.

Any couple who communicates this poorly wouldn't be carrying a gun with deadly force at his disposal, and she couldn't remember two lines, much less a full script with blocking. It's so easy to make the MC's bumbling, stumbling, rumbling cardboard cut-out fools.

My second visit to this story, still enjoyed it.

somewhere east of Omaha

It’s just a remix of all the other, nearly identical stories on this site. The characters are caricatures, and the plot is a cliché.

She was a superficial, shallow small minded woman who thought with her crotch. Monty was stupid for even going to California at all. He should have tried to isolate his son from her too. Sorry, poor write.

What a glop of poop

This story is just like the others you have written the only thing that changes is the names of your players the plot is the same in all them you need to talk about something other then their pussy being full of cum or their toe nails and finger nails or stocking and shoes it looks like you copy paste a lot

Reread this and upgraded it from 2/5 to 3/5

Not a bad story in the tradition of Andyhm’s tales. Worth reading.

Same shit different title. Weak wimp Monty

Middle age bitch and her Hollywood drama.....with Monty her cuck

Some of the most important lessons in life are learned through great pain and suffering.

Hopefully this excellent story will help some of us avoid all that.

Rating: Must Read

THC

of course Monty was stupid enough to take her back and let the bitch who cheated on him twice tear up any chance at parity. fucking pathetic characters

I think I got motion sickness from you being all over the place.

This was a weird one. Some stuff was derivative of the author's other works. But despite assertions by many commenters below, she didn't cheat until Michael Norris. Monty acted as if she did with Gary and David Watkins, but they were not exclusive. Of course she didn't say no or yes, she just evaded.

Was she faithless during that time? Well yeah. She was dating three guys simultaneously, claiming to Monty she only had sex with him, not David and Gary (though surprise! she lied about David). Of course she got pregnant unexpectedly (all women do as written by this author, every single story) as the birth control fails due to the antibiotics LW trope (most don't have that effect, and even if they do, they are told by their doctor and can use an alternative form of birth control).

So yeah she and Monty end up separated for like 6 months prior to marriage because she didn't know who the father was, and then after she did, she kept away from Monty for a while (huh?). Anyways then of course she screws Michael Norris and burns her marriage with her philandering and her one time f#ck session with Michalel:

Jean: "It's been over a year, why hasn't he moved on. I fucked away our marriage with some cheap lusty sex that couldn't compare to Monty on his worst day. Have I always been that shallow?"

The answer is yes. Yes you have Jean. You have always been that shallow. And yeah why hasn't Monty moved on?

But then it gets really weird. A 47 year old twice divorced woman is offered a role in Hollywood? Wtf? No professional acting experience? Just some time in high school? Smdh.

Now she ditches her son for her job in California. Meanwhile Monty, though hey have been divorced for some time, is depressed because he thinks she had been banging away for moths on end in California. But wait they are divorced.

Turns out she assiduously has avoided sex with anyone after her session with the snake Michsel. Heck Monty is convinced she was living the high life with Michael after she left. Even though he is a police investigator. Huh? Anyways why does he care? Why is he so sad? I could understand anger over her betrayal, but after divorce, the bigger issue is she leaves Junior behind.

Then the near death shootout where Monty is a hero. Then finally after nearly two years in California, she lets Dan the sleazoid producer cop a feel when dancing, but that is the night Monty and Junior show up to the party though not invited (on purpose by Dan). Double huh?

Finally her public apology, her declaration of having been faithful to her ex husband for the last 3 years, despite them being divorced, and all ends well in reconciliation.

Seriously weird plot. Monty comes off as a whiny loser despite being a hero cop. They were not exclusive in the beginning. They had the gap with her pregnancy with Junior. They make up. But then the snake bites. Yes she is that shallow to destroy her marriage. They get divorced. But after that all Monty does is imagine her f#cking all kinds of actors in California. Except they are divorced. Monty is a sad sack loser. And oh yeah whenever she is back home, they never communicate because Monty is sulking. But somehow she stays faithful to an ex husband who thinks the worst of her? Messed up people.

I've actually went through this with a spouse... Mood swings, depression and violent behavior. My spouse divorced me claiming me of doing all kinds of bad things which I never done... Passed away I insisted on an autopsy, big surprise they found a brain tumor and this is what caused the depression and violent behavior cycles.

Our Jean really does have a problem with the truth.

"Monty, as I stand before you, I have not had sex with anyone since you and I made love."

Except she's not standing, she has her injured ankle elevated.

"my batting average with the truth has not been the best but I swear to you no man has been inside my pussy but you since the last time we made love."

Except we already know Monty hasn't fucked her since David did.

" I told them he had changed his number and I didn't have it. A small lie."

But still a lie.