This is How We Change the World Ch. 02

"And that was, what, ten years ago?"

When Lyric didn't answer, because any amount of thinking about Chicago hurt, Maddy nodded.

"Okay. That explains some things, maybe."

"How," Lyric said, feeling like she might be getting insulted, if politely.

"Well, I think I underestimated how much a lot of the things we've been doing meant to you. I've been in a very fluid situation for a long time, and between that kind of easy come, easy go mentality and just... the fact that I've been so checked out for so long, I mean..."

"So, what, none of what we did meant anything to you?"

"I didn't say that," Maddy said, a bit more sternly, and Lyric frowned. "It's hard to try and explain the... the way that I've been as a person, for so long. I haven't... bonded with anyone in a while. I'm not in touch with those feelings. I'm having them, but I've been so fucking depressed for so long that it's..." She took a moment to catch her breath, and added, "It's easy to let a good moment pass you by and not recognize it for what it was when it was happening if you've just been letting everything pass you by."

Lyric nodded, trying to take that in.

"I think you've been desperate for someone to notice you, and I don't mean that to sound like I think you're cheap or easy or whatever. I mean... I mean, I think you've been lonely. You've been lonely, and I've been numb, and I..."

This made a kind of sense to Lyric, because Maddy had always been hard to read at work. Not distant, perhaps, but... numb felt accurate. As for herself, to call her lonely was like calling the ocean wet: accurate but kind of duh at the same time.

"Do you think I asked you to stay here just because I was lonely?"

Maddy groaned and leaned back in her chair. "No! No... I think you wouldn't have asked just anyone. The question is, why did you ask me?"

They looked at each other. Lyric looked away first, sipping her coffee to buy a few more seconds. She didn't have a good answer. She didn't know why she had felt the need to intervene with Madalyn's episode at work, but she had. She'd felt that need acutely and strongly.

Maddy rubbed her forehead. "Look, I think what I'm trying to say is that... I know a thing or two about sex, and..."

Lyric snorted. "I'm not a child!"

"No, you're not. And I think you know a lot of things about sex that I never will. But what I mean is that I should have understood that masturbating together isn't just masturbating, and I should have... I shouldn't have just... included myself so lightly. I haven't done anything like that before, and it was amazing, and..." Maddy stared into the distance, then smiled a little and shook her head. "What was I saying? Yeah, I should have understood that it would be more than just masturbating. I just hadn't really thought that you... that I could be someone you might be interested in. Like, sexually. So, if you're not, or if it's not how you want us to be, then I can just leave the next time you do that, like you suggested. I don't want you to give up on your routines because of me. And I really don't want to hurt you."

Lyric stared down into her cup. Her mind was reeling. She could feel Maddy looking at her, and knew she was waiting for an answer. She didn't even know what the question was, and the longer the silence stretched the harder it was for her to break it.

Lyric startled when Maddy stood up. "Look, you're going to be late."

Maddy walked her to the door and held the coat for her. She even buttoned it up, and Lyric smiled at her. Then Maddy looked at her, and said, "One thing I have learned from my relationships and my sexcapades is that it's important to be able to talk about it. You don't have to know, and you can change your mind, but I want us to be able to talk about things. Okay?"

"Okay," Lyric said, and they both smiled.

The weather was gray and overcast, but Lyric had never seen a more beautiful day. She felt so light that she almost skipped the whole way instead of walking.

***

21 Jan 2023

Lyric bundled her arms tightly against herself, to ward off the cold, as she got off the bus. Group days always felt so long. She'd be glad when it was over, and it would be nice to catch up with Rose and the others afterwards, but it was difficult. The support group was exhausting. Opening up was exhausting. Sometimes it felt like an exercise in unlacing your own stitches, to open up a wound, only to restitch it again at the end.

Wounds could heal, but things would never really go back to the way they were.

"Ah shit," Lyric said, remembering suddenly that she wasn't living alone anymore and that things had been progressing. She hadn't told Madalyn about the group, hadn't coordinated her day, largely because it was none of Maddy's business, but she still deserved to know that Lyric was going to be late. She felt terrible as she punched out a quick DM to let her know she'd be late.

The upside of the peer group was that it chipped away at her loneliness. It wasn't a solution to her problems, but there was a kind of relief in knowing that she wasn't alone with her problems. Other people struggled just like she did. Other people who were just like her. She wasn't the only one. That was comforting, and there was a joy in hearing about everyone else's successes.

She was just about to sit down in one of the softer chairs when Rose came in behind her, and they shared a quick hug. Time was short before the meeting would start, so they could only give each other a good squeeze. When Lyric sat in the chair, Rose pulled a folding chair over and leaned against her.

Benjamin cleared his throat, meaningfully, as lots of people were still settling into place, and filtering in. "Hey everyone, I'm really glad to see you all here tonight. We'll get started in just a moment, but..."

Something was wrong. His smile was fragile. Rose reached for Lyric's hand.

"Some of you may have noticed that Sam hasn't been in attendance at meetings for a little while. She's been in the hospital. Her family asked us not to say anything, at first, but, um... Sam passed away this morning."

Around her, there were waves of gasps, shaking heads. Disbelief. Lyric felt it in her gut.

"Sam was attacked, and she'd been in a coma. There were some good signs that she would pull out of it, at first, but... you know, over time... the window for those slowly...if she doesn't..."

Evelyn, the other organizer, put a hand on his shoulder as she stepped past him. "We wanted to have a moment of silence, before we get started with the safer space principles. For Sam."

Lyric's head had already tilted forward, and when she exhaled it felt like a lot of things came out with it, like hope. Rose sniffed hard. A few other people around the room were crying, and trying to hold it in for the sake of a moment of silence, but nobody said a word.

Eventually, Benjamin gathered his composure, stood up tall in the center, and said, "There's going to be a little ceremony tomorrow evening. Her parents said that anyone from group is welcome to come. It's not a big thing, no big funeral. Just a little something at St. James. I'll have information after group, if anyone is interested in attending. Come see me."

"Do you wanna go?" Rose whispered.

Lyric could only manage to nod, and weakly at that.

***

21 Jan 2023

Lyric stood in the bathroom, drying herself off after her shower, and wiped at the fogged-up mirror. She knew she shouldn't have. She usually let the fog obscure her, on purpose. Then she wiped it a little more, revealing all of her own reflection, and stared. She turned to the side, so that she could see her waist in profile, and let her hand slide down to obscure her penis. Pushing it down and back, behind her thighs.

Too wide in the shoulder. Arms too long. Legs too muscular. Chest too wide and too flat. Fingers too long. Nose too strong. Jaw too pronounced. More.

These were not things she was noticing for the first time. She had a whole list in her head, every feature that wasn't good enough, and she went through them like a ritual. She didn't know how she'd found herself back there again, hating, but it felt awful.

Again.

After a few minutes during which her eyes welled up over and over, she turned around and turned hot water back on and waited, face downcast, for the mirror to fog up again. It was not a good day for this to come up.

***

"Thank you for coming," Lyric said, quietly, as she and Maddy sat on the subway car.

"Of course," Madalyn said. "How well did you know..."

Lyric said, "Sam."

"I'd never heard you talk about... her?"

Lyric nodded. "I didn't know her all that well. I just knew her from an...an activist group we both volunteer for, sorta, and then, you know, mostly from group. The big group gets together, and then splits off into littler groups. I was only in a couple smaller groups with her, and heard her talk a little, but she seemed nice. I'd been meaning to..." Words faded, because she hadn't ever really had a solid plan about what she'd meant to do. It was a vague idea, to reach out. It would never be more than that now, and she regretted it.

"How long have you been going to this group?"

Answering direct questions was easier. "About a year."

"You know, when you told me last night that you were going to this group therapy thing, I almost thought you were being coy about going to see a john, but no."

"It's not really therapy. It's a peer support group."

"Oh," Maddy said, surprised. "What's the difference?"

Lyric shrugged. She'd never been in therapy. "We just... get together, and talk about stuff. Usually stuff that happened that week."

"Ah." Maddy leaned back and nodded. "No one pushing you to recognize something, or work toward anything. It's more communal. I get it. I think I get it."

Lyric nodded absently. She wasn't sure she'd explained it well, and wasn't really feeling up to trying any harder. Maddy reached over and placed her hand over where Lyric had both of hers held tightly together.

"Who comes to the support group meetings?"

"Trans kids," Lyric said, dully. "Enbies. It's for queer people. There's another meeting down the hall, at the same time, for family members."

"Family members?"

"It affects them too. In different ways. Rose's sister goes, because they live together. They get stuff scratched into their door, or get screamed at when they go down the street. It's hard on her too. In a different way. She gets someplace that she can be mad about how hard it is to be an ally without fucking Rose over or letting her down."

"Will there be anyone there from that group?"

Lyric didn't really hear what was being asked, and shrugged. "The only person I know for sure is going is Rose."

She felt like she was giving less and less with every question, and was glad that Maddy stopped asking questions so she could stop disappointing her. She patted Lyric's hand twice as a kind of I'm gonna let go now sign. When she went to retract her hand, though, Lyric moved one of her hands up to stop her. It wasn't a sophisticated movement, it was desperate.

"Okay," Madalyn said, squeezing back.

***

Maddy had to keep being the one to figure out where they were going, which was frustrating for Lyric. She did not consider herself an easily confused or lost person, and it rankled to be bad at it. The mausoleum was not a large structure. There were only a few wings, but Lyric was starting to worry they were in the completely wrong place when Maddy pointed out a sign to their left that she'd somehow missed.

"Hello," said a woman who could only have been Sam's mother, or perhaps an aunt. "Thank you for coming."

Lyric nodded reluctantly.

"Did you meet Sammy at group?"

Again, Lyric nodded reluctantly.

"I'm Ginny. Sam's mom. Sam's dad is over there, with Benjamin."

Lyric looked around, and the rest of the room started to grow distant. Sounds coming to her from across a great expanse, echoing over and over. Maddy was talking to Sam's mother, and they were both right next to her, but they felt increasingly further away. She started walking through the crowd, and was surprised to see a lot of group members had come. Lyric pushed through them.

From the way the flowers were oriented, it was easy to tell which columbaria was Sam's. It was small. A tiny little space, about the size of a brick. A whole person, reduced to that tiny little space.

She could only look at it for a minute. When she turned around, she saw Sam's dad coming her way, and she just started walking. It wasn't a conscious thing. She didn't even know why she was so upset, so suddenly. It was dizzying.

"Hey," Maddy said, from a little ways behind her, just as Lyric turned a corner outside, around the corner of the building. Had she gone outside?

Lyric tried to sniffle, to catch her breath, but she was breathing so hard that she couldn't seem to control it enough to use her breath for speaking.

Maddy came skipping over to her, in the way that hurrying in heels always does, and put both hands on Lyric's shoulders. "Are you okay?"

She couldn't quite manage to say no, and she couldn't manage to get enough air into her lungs. It felt like she was drowning. She just kept breathing in, and in, and in.

"Alright," Maddy said, grabbing her a little more forcefully. "Alright"

A door opened behind them, back the way they'd come, but Maddy turned to whoever it was and said, "We're okay."

Lyric couldn't tell who it was. She couldn't even properly tell what had set her off. Her heart was racing. Was she having a panic attack? Was it the turnout? Was it that she wasn't even sure why she was there? She hadn't known Sam all that well.

Was it Sam's parents? Was she jealous that they were supportive? Was she bitter at her own parents?

Maddy stepped in all the way, pressed Lyric's head into her shoulder, and held her. She could feel Maddy's warmth, even through their layers of coats, and finally the high tide began to recede.

Yes, it was a panic attack. Yes, she was both jealous and angry. Yes, if she died tomorrow, no one would come. She had no support network in New York. No family. No one to notify the group. She would just disappear one day, like so many others.

Sam was lucky.

This, finally, was the thought that broke her. The idea that Sam, a dead girl, was the lucky one, sent her reeling. Flailing. It got worse before it got better.

"We can go," Maddy said to her, after a little while. It might not have been the first time Maddy said it, but it was the first time Lyric heard it.

"No, I'm okay," Lyric whispered. She reached for her purse, and pulled out the little packet of tissues to dab at her eyes. Her cheeks were wet, and her voice was still quivering. Shaky. "How bad is it?" she said, as she patted her cheeks to dry them.

"You look fine," Maddy said, giving her another squeeze. She put an arm around Lyric's shoulder, and together they went back inside.

This time, Lyric was still very quiet, but she didn't lose it. Maddy did all of the talking. She introduced herself to Rose, Mars, and Sebastian when they came over to check on her. She brought Sam's parents over to give her a hug, and it was a good hug. A really, really good hug. Sam's mom looked more worried about Lyric than anything, which didn't make any sense to her.

After that, Sam's mom mostly stayed near her. Other people came to them, at that point, which was nice. Everyone was coping better than Lyric was.

The one good thing, the silver lining, that came from the service was that Lyric got to see Maddy interacting with everyone from group. Enbies making no effort to fit the gender binary, and some of the trans women who didn't pass but were striking and confident anyway. Maddy was respectful and kind to them all. Apologized if she used the wrong pronoun. Made eye contact. Shook hands or hugged with equal fervor.

Somewhere in the back of Lyric's head, she was starting to feel some resistance toward the idea that her own ability to pass was, categorically, the only reason anyone treated her nicely.

***

23 Jan 2023

Two nights later, Maddy was behind the counter at Downtown Grind. She'd let Lyric take all the cleaning, so she could be by herself, while Maddy handled the customers. The night was busy, by night shift standards anyway, so although Lyric had gotten the better end of the deal Maddy was not about to complain.

Around two in the morning, a couple came in. They'd clearly been out, having a good time, and were in good spirits. Maddy took their orders straight away, and got to work. When she turned around to put the man's black decaf down, she was surprised to see him standing right there. Usually, customers wandered off and she called them back when their drinks were ready.

"Can I ask a favor of you?" the man asked. Before she could reply, he leaned over the counter and put his phone down. "I'm about to propose to my girlfriend. She doesn't know. Would you follow me over there and film it for me?"

Maddy picked up the phone, held it for him to unlock, and then quickly navigated to the camera. "Okay, yeah," she said. "Do you want her drink first?"

"Yeahyeahyeah," he said, eagerly.

Maddy turned back around and tended to the espresso machine, trying and failing not to look back over her shoulder. The man's girlfriend was on her phone, having a lively conversation with someone on the other end of the line. She took her time, dragging out the creation process a little, and handed him the second drink just as the woman was hanging up the phone.

Then she followed behind, covertly keeping the phone behind him where the woman couldn't see it.

They were an older couple, older than she was by at least ten years. The woman was maybe even a few years older than that, but her smile was lively and bright when the man returned with her coffee. She said something to him that Maddy didn't catch, and then gasped when he dropped down onto his knee.

Maddy had moved around to the side, almost behind her, and the woman was so focused on what was happening that she never saw. She never noticed. Both of them were so wrapped up in each other, and she captured it. It looked good, and it sounded good, and when she played it back for him afterwards, he slipped her a twenty for her trouble.

***

26 Jan 2023

Lyric woke up late. Their schedule had shifted after starting the night shifts, but this was even later than usual. Her arm reached to her side, to check if Maddy was there, and she kind of despised herself for it. It was good to sleep together, so good that it was scary. It was too good to decline, but it made her uncertain of how she would cope once Maddy went back home and left her on her own again.

She pushed that thought out of her head. She had been moody and down after Sam's passing, she didn't need to pour any more gasoline into that dumpster fire.

Maddy's side of the bed was empty. Lyric could hear her doing something in the kitchen. She stretched, long and thoroughly, and the scent of coffee was the thing that finally pulled her out of the bed.

Maddy smiled when she came in. "Good morning, sleepyhead," she said and offered Lyric a chair with grandiose gestures.

Lyric sat, smiling. "What's all this?"

"Coffee, oatmeal, bananas, eggs. I figured you need a good start for, you know. A today."

Lyric raised her eyebrows when Maddy poured her coffee. "Wow, that's so thoughtful."

They sat on opposite sides of the small table and ate breakfast. Maddy leaned back, peeling a boiled egg.

"Okay, time for some talking," she said.

Lyric sank in her chair. She didn't like the sound of that. Maddy sprinkled salt on top of the egg and unceremoniously chomped half of it. She looked at Lyric when she ate, and Lyric couldn't escape the look. "It is?" she asked, faintly.