This is How We Change the World Ch. 05

"What's what?" Amy asked from the kitchen.

"This bag here! Where are you taking these?" Maddy pulled her shirt from the bag as Amy peeked through the kitchen door.

"Oh those, yeah. This church near my work has this giveaway to homeless women and they're taking donations."

"But this is mine!" Maddy squeezed the shirt against her chest. "What else have you got in here?"

"Hey," Amy said sharply when Maddy pulled the gray sweater out. "They're all folded, you'll mess them up."

"You can't just throw my clothes away!"

"I'm not throwing them away, I'm giving to Goodwill, and okay that's yours but it's old. When have you last worn that?"

"That's not the—ah!" Maddy pulled a pair of jeans out. "I can't believe you!"

Amy grabbed her arm, but Maddy had already taken the bag and poured all the clothes on the floor. She pulled her arm free and started to rummage through the pile.

"And this—and this isn't even old!" Maddy was fuming, grabbing the My Little Pony shirt Lyric had given her from the untidy pile.

"It's not?" Amy looked unimpressed. "I thought it was. Look, I didn't know it was such a big deal."

"I don't see you throwing away Frank's things!"

"Mads, it's a charity for homeless women."

"But you can't just—are you going to give away all my things? Are you going to donate my ponies behind my back?"

Amy looked at the pony shirt, then at her eyes. "Madalyn, it's a charity for clothes. For adults."

Maddy was so angry she couldn't speak. Amy glanced at the clock, then walked back to the kitchen. "When you're finished, can you put the rest of the clothes back in the bag? I'm going to be late now."

Maddy stared daggers after her, but Amy's back didn't flinch. She knelt on the floor, separating her clothes from the pile. Okay, some of them were old, and she never wore them, but that bitch couldn't just... just...

Frank came from the bedroom, stretching and showing off in his boxer shorts. Maddy had bent over to grab her shirt, and when Frank patted her on the ass she spun around so quickly and with such fury that he took a step back.

"Don't you fucking—"

"Sorry, sorry! Excusez moi, mademoiselle!" With an exaggerated apologizing expression Frank went around her to the kitchen. "Ah, mon cher—"

"Oh, shut up," Amy said.

"You ladies," Frank said with slight disapproval in his voice. "It's that time of month, is it?"

"Fuck you, Frank," Maddy said in unison with Amy. They both paused and for a while the only sound came from Frank clinking away in the china cabinet.

Maddy started to fold the gray sweatshirt to put it back in the bag, then stopped. She was so mad her fingers were shaking. What was she doing? Why was she folding the things? Fuck this!

She scooped up her own clothes and went back to the bedroom. She had the overwhelming urge to just pack all her things and leave, but it felt overly dramatic. Besides, she was very tired. She came from work usually a bit before the others woke up, and waited until they left before going to sleep so she could sleep undisturbed. The thought of leaving again made her limbs feel very heavy.

Maddy was folding the clothes to put them back in the closet when Amy walked in. She tossed the bag on the bed, and started folding the donatables with fast, economic movements.

"You didn't need to make such a scene."

"You should've asked me! Fuck, you still haven't even apologized! You can't just..." She trailed off and growled, unable to end the sentence in a way that felt satisfying.

"You didn't use to be so fussy." Amy glanced at her under her brow. "Is this about the girl? You can keep seeing her, you know."

"Her name is Lyric! And she's not a child!"

"Sure," Amy said absentmindedly. She stuffed the clothes in the bag and looked at the bedside alarm clock occasionally. She didn't say anything, but Maddy could feel the accusation. "She's definitely adorable. A little young for you, maybe, but who am I to throw stones?"

"Don't do that," Maddy said, now visibly trembling. "I'm close, okay? Don't."

Amy regarded her with an extremely arched eyebrow. "Close to what, exactly?"

"Don't trivialize her. You don't know her at all."

"It was pretty hard to get to know her while she was running away from us, so—"

"Stop it," Maddy hissed.

Amy narrowed her eyes. "What? I'm not allowed to have an opinion?"

"You know damn well what you're doing right now, cutting her down to size when she's not here to defend herself." Somewhere in there, she'd taken a step toward Amy without realizing what she was doing.

Amy smirked and went back to her folding. "It's cute how protective you are of her."

"You are being an ass right now."

"Since when," Amy said, head rolling back behind her shoulders, "have you not been right there with me? I mean, this was our thing. Being snarky in the back of the class. Yeah, fine, it's a little mean, but it's just between us! Our"—she tumbled her hands over and over in front of her for a second—"banter was always like this, toward everyone that isn't you and me. When did you get so thin skinned?"

This hit Maddy like a slap in the face. "Oh, I don't know, maybe it was when you two fucked off to wherever and left me behind for months."

Amy folded her arms across her chest, looking very much like a teacher she'd had in middle school. "Is that the story you're telling yourself?"

"That's not a story, it's what happened!"

She narrowed her eyes again, and said, "This is about her."

Maddy's jaw went slack. She was incredulous, and the pure shock didn't wear off until Amy started talking again.

"I don't understand where all this friction is coming from, but it has something to do with her. There's no other explanation."

"I could just be mad at you!" she shouted. "That's an option!"

"Since when, Mads?" Faint touch of amusement curled the edges of her lips. "I mean, really. Since when?"

"Is this funny to you?"

"What's funny," she said, "is how you keep trying to make this about me. I've been donating clothes to the women's shelter for years, every spring. They have a drive. It's like clockwork. Then we go shopping, and we get new clothes. That's what we do. We don't have a screaming match in the bedroom when I'm already late to work, so I ask you, Madalyn, what changed? Hm?"

"I don't understand why having you ask before you throw my clothes, my clothes, away... is such a big ask?"

"What I'm hearing is that your new girlfriend is very polite."

Maddy balled her hands into fists and counted to five in her head. "Stop making this about Lyric."

"Well I can't imagine what else it would be."

Maddy threw the shirt she'd had in her hand down to the ground, at her feet. "I'm mad at you!" she bellowed. "You didn't think about me, or what I'd want. You thought about you, and how much of a hero you'll be to some homeless women when you show up with three bags of your scraps!"

"Oh, for fucks sake, Mads, take a nap. You're being hysterical."

"Yeah," she fired back, "because I guess only Frank gets to throw tantrums in this relationship!"

Amy wildly, exaggeratedly rolled her eyes, and just started walking, saying, "I'm already late," and leaving Maddy alone in the bedroom. The front door shut with a crisp clack less than a minute later.

Maddy fell onto the edge of the bed. Once the fight was over, all her strength seemed to dissipate, leaving her exhausted and practically delirious. She'd never yelled at Amy like that.

She'd never yelled at Amy.

"What am I doing?" she said, out loud, as she fell back onto the perfectly snug bed sheets. "What am I doing?" The mantra continued in her head as she laid there, too amped to sleep but too tired to do anything else. What am I doing? What am I doing?

She was still whispering it, under her breath, as she packed a bag. Starting with her ponies.

***

Maddy's stuff fit into one suitcase, standing just inside Megan's bedroom door. Her life had gotten very small indeed. She hadn't packed everything, just the stuff that made sense for her to spend a couple nights by herself and get her head straight. And her ponies, which didn't make any sense, but she had decided she didn't have to justify it even to herself.

"Just for tonight," she said, again, repeating herself for the tenth time at least, as she sat on the edge of the bed. "Tomorrow, I'll find something closer."

"I mean," Megan said, "if it comes to it, my lease is up in a month. Maybe you and I could—"

"You love this place," Maddy said, giving her a stern look over her shoulder. "You don't want to go anywhere."

"I don't want to go anywhere," Megan admitted, as she tucked the fitted sheet onto the mattress. "I would, for you, in a heartbeat, but I love this place. I even love having roommates."

"You're so weird."

Megan said "You love me," as she reached for a pillow and a pillowcase.

Maddy got up, and went to the bathroom to grudgingly go through her bedtime routine.

"You do love me, right?" came Megan's voice.

Maddy walked out, toothbrush hanging out of her mouth, and furrowed her brow.

Megan was unfolding the full sized sheet. "I just had one of those weird realization moments that I might be overstating the situation, and saying something that isn't true."

"Yeah," Maddy said, though it came out somewhat garbled for all the fizzy, paste-y bubbles flooding her mouth. "Of course."

"I love you too," Megan said. "Everybody else in my life thinks I'm too much. They just... they don't get me, but you get me, and I appreciate that."

Maddy walked across the small room to hug her friend, and gave her a good squeeze. "Do I not tell you I love you?"

Megan bit her lip. "You're better at saying it back when someone else says it first."

"I am?"

Megan suddenly pulled back to arms length, eyes popping wide open. "No, that came out wrong. I mean, you just got into a huge fight with Amy. You stood up for yourself, and I wish I could have seen the look on her face when you fought back. It serves her right for taking you for granted for so many years."

Maddy sighed explosively. "I know that..." She couldn't wrap her brain around the enormity of having gotten into a fight with Amy. It just didn't compute, but at the same time it felt so far overdue that she was too embarrassed to really think about it.

"It's okay," Megan said. "It's just for one night. I mean, it could be for more—"

"I'll be out of your hair tomorrow," she said, tiredly. "I just need to get some sleep. Then, I'll go to work tonight, and by the time I come back I'll have something lined up."

Megan nodded, and rubbed her hands against Maddy's upper arms. "Alright. I've gotta get going. You gonna be okay?"

"I'll be fine," Maddy said. "It's not the first time I crashed here."

Megan looked like she was going to say something, some kind of clarification like first time you were ever hiding from Amy or the like, but bit down on it before it reached her tongue.

For this, Maddy was eternally grateful.

***

18 Apr 2023

For a while, things were quiet. It wasn't until the end of her next shift that her phone started buzzing. By that point, Maddy had already returned to Megan's, picked up her bags, and took the subway to a motel back in the Bronx, much closer to Downtown Grind. She put her phone on mute as she settled onto the bed, but there wasn't any kind of relief. She was getting into a bed a whole two hours earlier than she had the day before, but she didn't think her sleep would be any more restful. Despite how tired she was, her brain had not stopped racing for almost two days straight, and there was no end in sight.

***

20 Apr 2023

"Hey, Lyric." Eric tilted his head to lean down into her line of sight, and made a vague motion with his hand. "Do you have a minute?"

She nodded, but in her head she was saying Like I could say no. She followed him to his office, and closed the door behind herself when he gestured at that too.

"How're you doing?"

"Fine," she said, as she sat down, and folded her hands in her lap. "Good."

"Listen, a week ago we got a comment card back saying that, you know, while everything they ordered was perfect, the customer thought you were mad at them for some reason?"

She winced, but tried to keep the painted-on smile close to the surface. "I don't remember that, but... I must have had something on my mind that day. Sorry."

"Well, I thought it was odd when I got it, so I waited the week to just, kinda, watch."

Lyric got a sinking feeling in her stomach, and the smile started to slip.

"Again, just wanna be clear, just like at your review, we're super happy with your performance, but it looks like something is going on."

Her leg started bouncing, keeping the toe planted while her heel rose and fell rapidly. "Oh."

"This is gonna be unpleasant, so... try to hear what I'm saying. First and foremost, we need you to leave your personal issues at home. We're a Mom and Pop shop, you know? We say that all the time, and we live and die by the friendly, customer-oriented approach. You've always been great at this. I know you know this. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know."

"Mmm-hmm," Lyric said.

"Obviously, we know we're not hiring machines. You're a person. You have feelings. You can't be perfect every day. We don't expect that. I was all set to throw this in the shredder, you know? I know you. I know you're not picking fights with people, but I have noticed that you're kind of distracted and upset. That's gotta stop, okay?"

Lyric let out a long breath, pushed it all down, and said "Yep." When she smiled, she painted it on better, but she still felt hollow inside. Of course he didn't offer to listen if she needed to talk. He didn't care. Not really.

Not that she would have talked to Eric. He seemed about as personal as a phone book.

Lyric went right back to work after leaving the office, and made a point of smiling. That comment card would go into her file right alongside her mediocre review, and in a month's time they'd have all the ammunition they needed to fire her. It was only a matter of time until she slipped up. It was getting harder to mask how fragile she was. On a good day, the best she could manage was cynical despair.

In some of her darker moments, her fears had chased her into thinking about doing more serious escorting. She could charge a lot more for penetration, and then she wouldn't need a day job as a barista. Lyric didn't think she had the right temperament for doing that on a regular basis, day in and day out, which layered depression on top of depression, but necessity was her guiding star. She would do what she had to do.

***

"I don't fucking believe this."

Maddy did a double take as she stepped out onto the sidewalk, heading to work that evening. "What the fuck are you doing here?!" she said, staring in disbelief.

Amy was fuming. Arms folded. One foot planted in front of her, pointed straight at Maddy. "I was worried sick. Frank was beside himself. Maddy, what the actual fuck?!"

It was a little jarring to see Amy so unsettled, so unhinged.

"We have been calling you. Did you break your phone? Are you being held against your will here? Please tell me this is some kind of sick fucking joke."

Maddy just stared at her, mind whirling. "Did you track my phone?"

"That's your answer?" Amy shouted. "Not Gee, sorry Ames, didn't mean to make you worry! Not This is all a big misunderstanding!"

"If I wanted to talk to you, I would have answered my phone," Maddy said, finally turning to face her long-time partner.

"You left without a word!" Amy shrieked. "We've been together for-fucking-ever! I mean, how many years, and you felt like you didn't owe me a heads up before you walked out the door?! I guess that just meant nothing to you?"

Maddy felt her nerves, frayed from lack of sleep, hardening, and, distantly, she was proud of herself. "Don't you fucking dare throw that in my face," Maddy snarled.

"How many years?' Amy drew herself up. "How many years have we been supporting you? Have I"—she punctuated this by jabbing herself in the chest with an extended index finger—"been supporting you?"

"Here we go," Maddy said, shaking her head. "Incredible. I can't even remember the last time we fought, like a real fight, and it took you all of about one minute to come around to how much money you make."

Amy recoiled, face reddening. "This isn't you."

"Stop trying to make this about her!" Maddy screamed. "I'm the one standing in front of you. Me. Remember me?"

"Don't be so dramatic."

"No, I think this is exactly the right amount of dramatic. I don't feel like I'm your partner, or that I matter. I feel like your child. I mean, why are you here?"

"You were missing! Frank has been driving around all day like a fucking lunatic!"

"Right. Missing. Not that you missed me."

Amy threw up her hands in obvious frustration. "I do not have time for fucking word games, Madalyn! Of course I missed you! Christ, we've been together for so long I can't even imagine what my life would be like with you!"

"Bullshit. I was gone for months, and you barely noticed. Months! And that was before the bathroom! You were doing just fine with me working nights! You don't care about me. You don't care about my opinion. You don't care about what I want. You just like the comfort of what I can do for you. That I'll cook. That I'll clean. That I need you. That I don't rock the fucking boat."

It hurt, in her chest, saying those things, because they were all true for her too. There was a kind of cutting both ways that tore at something deep in her core. She wasn't processing that, thinking it through for herself, but she felt it like the ground breaking open under her feet.

"The tile. In the bathroom. Did you think to ask what I wanted?"

Amy's face screwed into contorted, irate disbelief. "Oh for fuck's sake! Frank and I were already there. It was convenient, not a coordinated plan to cut you out of the home decor conversation which, I might add, you have never cared about!"

Maddy lifted her chin with a smug superiority. "I could do this all day. Rattle off decisions you make without talking to me. I don't want to play that game, though, because you always have an excuse. There's always a reason not to do the right thing."

"Oh!" Amy's eyes popped open wide, and she took a more confrontational stance. "Oh. Okay. And walking out in the middle of the day without a word, that was doing the right thing?"

"I needed some space," Maddy snarled, 'something you aren't letting me have."

The appearance of a smile broke across Amy's features like a wave. "Okay. You want space?" She turned on her heel and stormed off without another word.

****

21 Apr 2023

"I think she saw the charge," Maddy said, as she walked alongside Gertrude with her suitcase in tow. "I think she checked with Megan, a friend of mine, and when I wasn't there she went looking for a hotel charge on my account."

"Mmm," Gertrude said. "Does she this often? Invade privacy so?"

Maddy had to think for a moment. It was easier to get her thoughts out coherently now that she wasn't dysfunctionally irate. "It's not the first time. She talks a lot about a, like... ours is ours kind of communal ownership, but mostly it means that ours is hers unless she doesn't care about it." In her head, the it was her ponies. And Frank's telescope.