This is How We Change the World Ch. 05

02 Apr 2023

"One more?" Maddy said hopefully and made her best puppy eyes look.

Megan sighed. "But I'm so drunk already! You're killing me!"

Maddy amped up the puppy eyes and blinked in what she hoped was an endearing gesture. Megan laughed, which was a good sign, and said, "Well okay, but I'm getting water too."

Maddy grinned, and when the bartender approached, she also ordered water along with her beer. She didn't really want beer, but she thought it had enough volume to allow for some stalling. She didn't want this evening to end.

Megan looked at her with a serious and inquisitive look, and Maddy said, "Oh-oh, the judge has arrived."

"Madalyn, why are we here?" Megan asked, not going for Maddy's bait to start bickering about a judge-y characterization.

"We're having drinks and catching up! Like friends do! We're friends, remember?"

Megan put out her tongue and crossed her eyes to match. Maddy giggled. They gathered themselves enough to receive their drinks, and then Megan glared at her again. "You can't fool me, girl. Who are you hiding from, Amy and Frank or Lyric? And why?"

Maddy sipped her water to buy herself time. Ice water felt wonderfully fresh, and she knew she was also already over her limit and should really stop drinking. She didn't know what to answer.

"So, you moved back home... two weeks ago?"

"Thereabouts," Maddy muttered in her pint.

"And how has that been?"

Maddy sighed. She knew Megan wouldn't let it be, so she would be better off just getting on with the conversation. She admired Megan's insistent nature and her keen insight, though less when it was directed at herself. "I don't... it's been... so... different."

"How long did you stay with Lyric?"

"Close to three months."

"Uh huh. And that was enough time to show how back home is... what?"

"Well you know, they're like they've always been, it's just... I hadn't realized how it was so... I think I was so used to it. I mean, the other day Frank was getting ready for work, and he was prancing about the place with no shirt on, because he is a bit of an exhibitionist, right, and he was like 'Hey Maddy Mads, where's my gray shirt?', and I was like... I haven't fucking been here for months, have I, where have you put your fucking shirt? But it's... he's always been like that, and I used to think it was cute. That it was sweet that he was so unorganized, and it made me feel... needed, and helpful, and ne-ce-ssary, that I would know where his things were or, you know. But now I was like, I'm not your mom, you're a fucking grown man, what's wrong with you?"

"Uh huh," Megan said and looked impressed. "You said that to him?"

"Well no," Maddy said and deflated from the indignation that had sparked in her with the memory. "I did say I didn't know because I hadn't been there."

"Uh huh," Megan said again. "And Amy?"

"Amy's Amy. It's more complicated with her. We've been together for so, so long."

"Since before I met you, for sure. That is a long time."

"We've been through so much." Maddy sighed and looked down into her beer. She could feel Megan's eyes at her. She glanced at her, sipped her beer, and when Megan still didn't let her off the hook, she slumped a little.

"Okay. So. Well I have this, like, a box of memorabilia from my childhood, right? My ponies. I used to collect My Little Ponies when I was a kid. And I've held on to them, because... I wanted to. So I have them in this plastic box. And now, with the renovations, we had to empty a few closets, and so we were now reorganizing all of that, me and Amy.

"She's never liked my ponies. Or like, she never gets why I want to save them. And even though I've always put my foot down, and saved them, through all our moves and everything... I mean, she has to know I'm not getting rid of them, but no, she had to bring it up now too. Aren't you done with those old things already? You never look at them. We could donate them. And then it hit me that actually, what she was holding at the very time was Frank's telescope from when he was a kid, so I was like, well what about that? Because you know, it takes up twice the space my ponies do."

Maddy stared at Megan, widening her eyes. She could feel the small angry red patches on her cheeks when she hissed, "And then she said but that's different and just put the telescope in the closet. But how is that fucking different? It's not different! It's only different because it's Frank and not me!"

Megan was nodding slowly. She had the drunk wise look that was almost convincing, if it wasn't for her slightly out of focus eyes. "Right. Wow."

"And Lyric... she asked me once, or, well I don't remember what she asked but we talked about the ponies once, one time, and she..." Maddy's eyes were suddenly damp and she blinked furiously for a bit. "She... she got me this shelf for my birthday."

"A shelf?" Megan prodded.

Maddy hadn't noticed she had paused mid sentence. She nodded, looking down into her glass. "Yeah, shelf. So I could put my ponies in it. Like, on the wall. I mean, her place is so much smaller than ours, and yet... and yet..."

"And yet she has room for you there and Amy doesn't," Megan said softly. "In that big ass apartment you three lounge in."

It sounded awful, but it was true, so Maddy just nodded. She wanted to gulp down her beer, drown her sorrows, but she had decided to drink slowly just a moment ago. Making decisions on anything was just so hard.

"Okaaay," Megan said. "I see. But that doesn't explain why you're here with me, and not at Lyric's."

"Hey now," Maddy said. "You are my friend, and we haven't seen in a while."

"Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever. Just go on. What's the deal with Lyric?"

Against her better judgment, Maddy gulped her beer. This still stung so much.

"We didn't really... we just kind of drifted into it. We didn't really have like, a relationship talk. And I suppose that's how it is for many people, but with polyamorous... situations it's kind of important to have some... ground rules. Well we never really did, but we did talk a little, and you know she's so young and..."

It was difficult to meet Megan's eyes, even when she didn't look judgmental, so Maddy drank again. She hiccuped a little and felt the shame creeping up her neck and cheeks, making her blush in that ugly way she sometimes did.

"...so we didn't really talk, and then I moved back kind of suddenly, but I went back to her place for our first day off afterwards. But for the second, she said she was busy, and couldn't hang out with me, so I didn't, and it was kind of... suspicious, or something, but I can't force her to be with me you know? But now... I went to work yesterday, at the normal time, and... she wasn't there."

Megan didn't look like she understood, so Maddy waved her hand in search of words. "We've been doing the night shift together for months now, and we even asked to sync our free days, but now... there was this other girl. And I found out that Lyric has switched back to day shift and she's not syncing with my days off anymore. She's avoiding me."

"Ohhhhh."

They were silent for a few moments. Then Megan reached over the table and took Maddy's hand.

"Okay, you know what. We'll drink these, go grab a kebab, then go to my place. I have a few beers there so we can have a nightcap. Okay?"

Maddy nodded enthusiastically, still blinking back the tears. She typed a message to Amy letting her know she wouldn't be home for the night, and it felt even more liberating than she had thought possible.

Later, when Megan had made the bed for Maddy on her small couch, she paused before going to her bedroom.

"Maddy? You do know you need to talk with Lyric, right?"

She made an affirmative grunt and snuggled deeper under the blanket.

"She will forgive you, I know she will. I've seen how she looks at you. But also, Madalyn... you need to think long and hard on why you would be Amy's and Frank's plus one, when you could be Lyric's and partner."

"Lyric's what?" she peered at Megan blearily across the room.

"Remember? The wedding invitation? The plus and the ampersand?"

"Ahhh," Maddy said and pulled the blanket over her head. "But—"

"No buts," Megan said. "You need to figure out what you want. Where you want to go, who you want to be. And if you will now say something beginning but Amy, I'm gonna hit you, I swear to god."

Maddy paused, then said, "Good night?"

Megan laughed and closed the door behind her.

Maddy lay awake for a long time, a little dizzy from too much booze and bewildered. What do I want? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be?

How come I don't already know this? If I don't know, who will?

Do I want to be Amy's and Frank's plus one or Lyric's and partner? Will Lyric even want me anymore?

Who do I want to be? What do I want?

Are these good questions to be thinking at five in the morning while piss drunk?

***

03 Apr 2023

Lyric sat down with a huff, and took a sip of her ice water. The others were looking at her. She knew what they were going to ask. It was only a matter of time.

Rose spoke up first. "Is..."

"No," Lyric said.

"Oh."

Mars frowned, and said something that made Lyric do a double take. "I was really hoping I could apologize for last time." Mars never apologized for anything.

"Well, you can't. She's not coming."

Sebastian, peering at her, said, "Will she be here next time?"

"I don't know," Lyric said, sullenly. "She was busy tonight."

"Why were you going to apologize?" Rose asked.

Mars scowled and sank into her chair. "I was kind of an asshole last time."

"You're kind of an asshole every time."

Lyric and Sebastian chortled, both of them nearly spitting out mouthfuls of water and rum and coke, respectively. Rose just looked confused.

"I had a lot of time to think about it is all," Mars said, crossing her legs tightly and shifting, so that she was kind of diagonal across her chair.

"Is this because of the—" Rose cut off when Mars gave her a fierce glare, and meekly sipped her mixed drink.

"Are you not telling people about that?" Sebastian asked.

Mars' expression went from defiant to grumpy pretty quick.

"And," Sebastian said, without missing a beat, "Maddy fits into that... because now you're thinking about found family."

With a dramatic huff, Mars cut her eyes toward Lyric and said, "My brother cut off contact. I'm sorry they're being assholes. I didn't realize you were the only one that didn't know."

"I'm sorry," Lyric said, wincing. "I know how that is."

"It's fine," she replied, rolling her eyes. It was a lie, but Lyric wasn't going to call her on it. "Anway, I just... she was really nice at Sammy's service, and I was kind of kicking myself. Can't afford to be driving away perfectly nice allies."

"Okay," Sebastian said, making a slicing hand motion. "Okay. I love a good pity party—"

"Fuck you," Mars snarled.

"No," Sebastian said, sitting forward, "cut it out, because as much as you're going through something, and you are, neither of you noticed the way she"—he pointed at Lyric—" ducked the question."

Both Rose and Mars looked at her, and Lyric blushed.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"See?" Sebastian said, sitting back, arms held out wide as if to welcome all the accolades he had earned.

"Even with us?" Rose asked, looking as if she was on the verge of insult.

"I actually thought she might come tonight," Lyric said, "but I didn't confirm with her. I guess she forgot."

Sebastian asked, "Did she know it was group night?"

Lyric nodded, but did so without really making eye contact.

"I thought she was staying at your place."

"Not anymore." After she said it, she heard the exaggerated, sing-song way she'd said it, and winced. "She was only staying with me temporarily. She moved back to her place."

"Yeah, but weren't you two, like..." Mars trailed off, looking at Sebastian and Rose for confirmation.

"Yeah," Lyric replied. "We were."

Rose asked, "Did you have a fight?"

"We had the opposite of a fight," Lyric said, feeling very witty. "We hardly talked at all, even as she was moving her stuff out."

"Did you ask her to stay?" Before Lyric could answer, Sebastian followed that up with, "Did you want her to stay?"

"Of course I wanted her to stay," Lyric whined, "but you should see the people she's with. They came in the other day. She doesn't want to be with me. Not when she could be living with them. In their big ass apartment with its own wifi that they can pay for with the fancy-ass jobs they have."

The others looked at her with expressions ranging from incredulous to pitious.

"What."

"That wasn't how it looked to us," Sebastian said.

"Yeah, well, what do you know?" There was some relief in delivering a good jab. It was hard to get in any kind of win over Sebastian. He was just plain good at talking. It didn't feel good, but there was some relief.

"Can you talk to her?"

Lyric felt tears building up, and tried to blink them away while she looked out the window. "I've been avoiding her."

Sebastian continued, asking, "Don't you two work together?"

Lyric nodded. "I switched shifts. It happens a lot, so it's not weird. I used to switch shifts all the time, but... I'm sure she knows."

"And did she say anything when she found out?"

Lyric shook her head. "Nope, so I guess she didn't care."

Rose peered at her. "It sounds like you're just avoiding the problem."

"Yeah? And?"

"And how does Maddy usually resolve conflict?"

Lyric scoffed, shook her head, and said, "I don't know," but that was a lie. Maddy would let things get so bad that it would turn her into a zombie, but she wasn't going to give them that ammo. All they would do was push her, and she didn't want to be pushed.

Also, when did Rose get so observant, she thought.

"Does she usually confront things, or does she let things get real bad before she does anything?"

"I don't know," Lyric said, even more emphatically. It still wasn't true. The others were looking at her, and Lyric felt like they could see right through her. It wasn't a good feeling, so she pulled out her phone. "I need to go," she said, lying for a third time in a row. "I'm gonna be late."

"Okay," Sebastian said, giving her a cool look.

When she went to stand, though, Mars stood with her and held out her arms. Lyric reluctantly allowed herself to be hugged, and didn't hate it when Rose closed in on her from behind.

"I'm really sorry," Mars whispered.

"I'm sorry about your brother," Lyric whispered back.

When they backed out of the hug, they gave each other looks of understanding. When she trudged out the door she wasn't fleeing, as she had meant to only seconds earlier, but it still wasn't a good feeling.

***

09 Apr 2023

Madalyn stared at her reflection on the subway window. It was blurry and distorted, which was probably for the best, because she looked like hell. She was even paler than usual, which made the dark rings below her eyes look even worse. She looked like a zombie. The lipstick she'd picked looked grotesque, like a clown's.

It was partly due to sleeping badly again. Having a sleeping schedule that completely conflicted with that of the people she lived with didn't help, but she didn't lie to herself to say it was only that.

This commute was so excruciatingly long compared with coming in from Lyric's, especially when they walked together. With Lyric, no journey was too long.

She frowned at her image and looked down at her phone, determined to pick a happier song from her playlist to forcefully lift her mood. While she was there, she couldn't resist checking the messages. Lyric hadn't answered.

"Ach," Gertrude yelled, from behind the counter when she walked through the front door. "Come, come."

A customer turned to look at her, bewildered. Maddy immediately started unwinding her scarf, and taking off her toboggan, and set her purse down behind the counter as she came around.

"I don't know what I did," Aaron whined. "The temperatures are all off."

"You hit one of the presets," Maddy said, sliding next to him and quickly thumbing through the tiny LCD interface. Most of the time, she longed for the old espresso machine they'd had when she started, the really creaky one that had easily been thirty years older than her, but it wasn't pretty and the owners loved pretty. This new one was all chrome and matte plastic. If it lasted five years, she would eat her shoe.

"Maybe you should write down steps," Gertrude said, giving Aaron a disapproving frown he didn't notice. Then, just before she slipped back into the kitchen, Gertrude gave Maddy a very subtle little head nod indicating for her to follow.

"It should be ready," she said, giving Aaron a hearty clap on the shoulder, before turning to the slightly agitated customer and adding, "It should be just a minute now. Thank you for your patience."

When she passed through the swinging door, Gertrude had her formidable arms folded across her chest. "He can't be left alone."

Maddy sighed. "I'll keep an eye on him. He's coming along quickly, but—"

"But he is no Lyric."

Maddy flinched, instinctively, and tried to play off her very subtle eye roll as being directed toward the barista out front and not the one sleeping four blocks away, or herself.

"I saw her, just before she left. Wearing sunglasses inside."

"Did she have a migraine?"

"Black eye," Gertrude said, before her lips curled in disdain. "Tiny thing like her. Terrible."

Maddy's stomach dropped.

"Why are you here and she's not here? Hmm?"

Somewhere in between her panicked groping for her phone and wiggling her arm back into her jacket sleeve, Maddy finally picked up on the fact that Gertrude was furious. That gave her pause. "We... I don't know. I don't know why she's not here. She never told me."

"And you have no idea?" It didn't really seem like a question. Gertrude might not know, but she knew. "You switched to nights to avoid complications at home. You sleep at Lyric's place, things get better and now, what, you are back to complications? Back to not sleeping well? This is what is happening?"

"She's the one who switched shifts without telling me," Maddy fired back.

"I know she is not a child, but what are you doing? You are a grown woman."

Maddy grunted. Still no messages. She shoved her phone into her pocket with prejudice. "I should go check on her."

"Aaron cannot be left alone," Gertrude said, her pitch and tone rising as her cheeks got redder, "and I have baking."

Reluctantly, Maddy started taking her coat off again, and when she exhaled it felt hard to get any air back in. Lyric had been struggling when Maddy started helping with the rent, and with Maddy gone she'd probably started struggling almost right away. That meant seeing a whole lot more johns again. Lyric's finances, the actual numbers, had been a mystery she hadn't tried very hard to untangle, and thinking too hard about the role she played in their ups and downs made her stomach twist. She'd just... stopped helping the second she stepped out the door.

She went to the employee bathroom and stood over the sink. When her stomach heaved, she moved to the toilet. Nothing came up. She wasn't sick, but it felt awful.

***

17 Apr 2023

"What's that?" Maddy stopped in her tracks in the hall. By the door was a big canvas bag of clothes, and she could see familiar fabric below the gray sweatshirt at the top.