All Comments on 'Those Eyes'

This pig walks in an apartment and shoots the guy who lives there. "Wait, this isn't my apartment."

Janet the fucking whore really loved Jake but continued fucking Jim for months?

He needs a slut like that for a wife like he needs a hole in his head

No big surprise there.

So, why did they shoot her? What was there to gain? How would that help them get her to invest the money or to take over her business?

And they didn't realize that US airports are insanely dense with security cameras? They'd be on the 24 hour news channels within an hour.

Your overall writing will be better received if you use an editor. Just dozens of simple mistakes with the English. eg many, many times you had "Your" when the abbrev for "you are" is actually "you're". "Your" is a completely different word with a different meaning. Pedantic, I know, but all part of improving the presentation. I enjoyed the overall story. Cheers.

"I'm going to give nearly all except $100 million to charity." Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?

AMerryman 2.0

So, she’s a billionaire, but a loss of 25 million will ruin her and her company? Your math skills are lacking. This makes your plot unreasonable .

Lieutenant is starting officer rank, not something you achiever after 8 years.

After breaking leg lile she did, no crutches as too risky if she tripped. No way she leaves hospital as quickly as she did.

She could not sue anyone on his behalf without him being a part of it. She has no standing.

The obsesion with feet and leaking women took away from story.

The drugs she would need to be given after being shot, while being resuscitated, put into coma etc... would have killed the baby.

All in all a story that was all over the place. There was no rhyme or reason.

I liked the idea, but some things with plot didn’t work. With the title reference and intro set up, Susan is made to be the secondary MC, then disappears and reappears only to be shot. It felt like a tv show when a main character has a dispute and is suddenly written off. If she wasn’t going to plan a bigger role other than dying, I would have not made so much of the intro about her or titled the story from her line. Also the multiple perception shifts made it hard to read - especially when you shifted at times - see the hospital. I wouldn’t go with more than two ever - or just use 3rd person. Just my thoughts keep writing.

Wrong girl. I can live with the plot holes but he ended up with the wrong girl.

Otherwise known as Captain Random

Well written but didn't like Susan being killed.i thought this was heading to them being together but still a 4 star story.

You were working on a romance story with Susan, and then killed her off so Jake could finally finish up with a slut of a client.

Why would a senator be involved with activity so criminal that people get shot on security cameras? Yeah, a lot of the politicians are looking to make money in less than legal ways, but most aren’t stupid enough to do it in ways that involve force, kidnapping and gunplay.

Sudan had her father and Greg over a barrel. All she had to do was go to the media and tell them that her father got Jake fired, and why. His career would be over, and the senator would have known that. Besides, what better political family for a senator at election time than a daughter who married a cop?

After eight years, if you are still just a first lieutenant in the Army or Marine Corps, you would have already been cashiered. It’s possible with prior enlisted time.

Changes in perspective are difficult to do well, and I don’t think you did it well. In addition, you had some third person in there. Third person is harder to write, but that’s what this story needed throughout.

“I have decided I have to find Jake...” as I lay here with Jim pounding away at me

“I have searched and searched...” you know, when I’m NOT being pounded by Jim.

“I know what he saw looked bad with Jim..” well, yeah. Never mind the fact that you’re STILL fucking him.

“...but I don't love Jim.“ OK, all better then.

There are extremely valid reasons a woman with little means would tie herself to someone she doesn’t love just to survive, especially with a baby on the way, but this woman is a “billionaire”. The whole Susan portion was ultimately pointless and unnecessary except for 1) that Jake names damn near everything after her initials and 2) to establish how rich both she and Janet are. She doesn’t need Jim if she’s really that serious about finding her baby’s father and realizes she loves him (and he loves her).

If she was ‘going nuclear’ in her search for Jake, maybe she should have been more actively searching rather than searching from her back.

If characters don’t respect themselves, we won’t respect them.

If you don’t respect your characters, they won’t respect themselves.

If you don’t respect the story enough to think about these things, the readers feel you don’t respect their time.

First, please get an editor. Cleaned up, this could be a nice story.

The plot has more holes than Swiss Cheese (how is screwing Janet out of 25 mil going to bankrupt a multi billionaire? Shooting Janet, for what purpose? )

Switching POV on a non-stop basis detracts from the story. Go to third person and stay there.

I could go on, but I'd just be rewriting the story.

I was rooting for Susan. The story never made me feel anything for Janet.

Somehow I feel he is just a whiney dick. I see no reason why he couldn't be with susan and she would be alive. Janet is just as well off as Susan yet she was a manipulative bitch, in a way, yet Jake falls for her? If he was so involve with susan how could he fall involve with Janet? And if he was so involve with Janet how could he easily have NSA sex with so many others so easily? And same for Janet. If she loved Jake so much rather than tell him and fight she sleeps around as well.

How does this marriage ever last a year?

loved the story. however, think i have read it or one VERY similar long time ago. anybody else have the same feeling about this story

I enjoyed the story VERY much. There are, though, plot holes everywhere. Susan is a good lawyer but suing the city on behalf of a friend, not a client, in absentia is, I think, impossible. No legal standing at all. How good a lawyer was Susan that at under 40(I think) she has $300 mil in liquid assets to leave to Jake. That number seems awfully high!

Janet is a Billionaire philanthropist but, a loss of $25 mil to Greg & Neil is SO catastrophic that they'll be able to take over her business?? Also the shock to her body, blood loss, her crisis IN the hospital & ALL the many drugs administered SURELY would have ended the pregnancy.

You need an editor or at least a beta reader or 2.

But I have read it before somewhere. Maybe you posted it on another site.

too much to even criticize. Get an editor, although I can't imagine one taking you on there were so many errors.

How the hell this rates above a 4 is another Loving Wives moment in la la land..

Based on the length and comments, probably won't finish, but in lieu of anything much better to read, giving this a shot.

Changing POV not good in the BEST of circumstances, but having second person simply retell what first person just told, defeats the whole purpose! Tell us what she's thinking/feeling. I believe a "C collar" is a cervical collar? I can see the cop using that term, not a civilian.

"My dad says don't move, Honey, you're just out of surgery." - When telling dialog, SHOW dialog! "Don't move, Honey," my dad said, "You're just out of surgery." Be careful of tense, also" My dad SAID, not My dad SAYS.

Many, many incorrect tense. You need an editor.

So he's a US Senator. Whoopie fucking Doo. You make yourself look stupid making your character look that stupid. The idea of different cultures and backgrounds clashing is legitimate. Different economic or political backgrounds? Cliche and contrived.

Thanks for the effort. Try again.

Yeah, there was some mistakes, but it still held my interest. I was really surprised by the gunfight in public. Naked yachting is hot! Keep writing!

🤘

.

syndrome. as the other said need an editor

May I make three suggestions that will make your stories better?

First, an editor. The number of basic word mistakes was extremely high. For example, a fiancée is a woman, so a woman--unless gay--wouldn't have one. A man is a fiancé.

Second, a beta reader might help also if your editor doesn't do that as there were a large number of plot holes. For example, the loss of $25M being crippling to someone to whom that's annual investment income is a plot hole.

Third, pass stories by someone knowledgeable about a particular subject if you're going to use it. For example, a couple tours in Iraq won't get you to lieutenant. Since it's the lowest officer rank, you either started there or else you started enlisted and needed to go to OCS...which isn't conducted in Iraq.

Just suggestions I hope you find helpful for your next story.

This was almost painful to read, you desperately need an editor. Also, why reunite Jake and Susan, only to cone up with a ridiculously contrived death? It seems like you were just making this up on the fly, and not doing very well at all.

Yeah, there were mistakes, but I still was into the story.

I was really surprised by the gunfight. If only I could meet a sexy billionaire fashion designer. Keep writing!

🤘

As a love story, I liked the first part with Susan.

Classic love at first sight between two people of huge socioeconomic differences. Lot's of potential but strangely, the author brings in Janet.....and the Senator and Greg again. He totally lost the original concept of his title "Those Eyes" that associated us with Susan.

He leaves without making an effort to find other solutions....he could have set up in the next state (avoiding the Senator's influence) but kept in touch until all else had failed, etc.

Since they both had the same intensity of feelings, why would he just leave? Didn't make sense. Stranger alliances have worked. People can identify with rich girl poor boy stories.

Somebody said they had read the story before. Yes, most of my stories are tested on SOL first. They are not as tough to post on as Literotica. The moderator usually rejects mine at least once. Tell me what they want , I fix it and repost. Sorry, I can’t please everybody’s wishes with the drama, and I say tough. All of the authors on Literotica have feedback from other authors and those that can barely write their own name but like to put their distinguished English and creative writing advice out there anyway. All of us get negative comments by some and just nasty bullshit from others. Goes with the territory. I appreciate those that like the story on face value and don’t feel the need to critique every word or sentence. Thanks again

Extraordinarily illogical. Write what you know or have enough sense to research what you don't know. I almost quit at the 8 years to get to Lt rank. Then the grammar, POV switch, after switch, after switch. Write in 3rd person if you want the reader to know what each character is thinking. Damn, there's way the hell too many plot holes and stupidity for me to list every one. Editor, Beta Reader, Editor, Beta Reader, rinse and repeat.

Your obsession with the cervix threw me out of the 'story', the dialogue was abysmal when you bothered to actually punctuate it correctly. Please learn the difference between your and you're you used the wrong one most of the time.

Long winded, all that unprotected sex and no one has an STD? Stupid plot device with the woman saying I'm in my safe time? You can get pregnant any time.

Please get an editor, you really need one.

I liked this one at the start, with Susan defying her father to be with the man she'd fallen in love with.

Then it fell off a cliff!

Susan was worth $300,000,000 and she wasn't able to track Jake down?! He didn't even change his name! Even an amateur PI would've been able to find him easily enough and she could have hired dozens of professionals to locate him in a matter of days!

So they spent 5 years apart for no good reason, during which time Jake started fucking Janet... but I was already rooting for Susan by that point. Janet supposedly cares about Jake enough to want to marry him, but despite trying to get pregnant by him, she goes looking for strange cock?

Then Susan comes back on the scene, only to get gunned down before she can speak to Jake. Why throw away her character development by killing her off? Jake loved her so much, that he named his boat and business after her, but he barely reacts when he sees her shot right in front of this eyes! Instead of grieving for Susan, he decided he was really in love with Janet all along. Unfortunately the billionaire slut is busy getting pounded by Jim, making sure her unborn child is covered in another man's spunk... How classy.

This would have been a much better story if you'd just focused on Jake and Susan.

The Senator and Susan to Janet to...

The shifting views and play of characters kind of made this a wishy washy tale.

Like some have mentioned, and editor would be a good find.

Words and punctuation are your tools. Learn to use them.

Besides an editor, Rob#### needs to get several beta readers. Too many things in the tale about which Rob# has no apparent mastery. A louie after 8 years? Assuming

Our Hero’s first term would usually be for 4 years (by which time he should already been promoted to 1st louie. If, then, if he wasn’t being considered for captain, he would not have been accepted for a second four-year term.

In that same vein, it IS possible to suck on a lady’s toes while porking her, but it is NOT a terribly comfortable position for either party, and is just not a position you happen to fall into.

The time-shifts suck swamp water. At least they don’t jump backwards and forward to speak of. The money issue is very awkward. Almost magical! Just plain too much carelessness!

3*

But you fumbled the story badly. A good editor would be helpful. And there were holes in the plot line like why were they willing to kill Susan and Janet in the first place? What happened to the Senator? Why does Susan dying make Jake want to marry Janet? Why is Jake such a coward and an asshole to throw both women away? With all of Susan's money how hard would it have been for her or one of her PI's to find Jake? You had some mistakes in this that could have been corrected and it would have made for an excellent story. Try harder next time.

3 stars

"I appreciate those that like the story on face value and don’t feel the need to critique every word or sentence."

I don't if my comment got deleted, or hasn't cleared moderation, but while I admit to often feeling "the need to critique every word or sentence," I like to believe that I have largely cured myself of this habit. HOWEVER, you apparently didn't read my comment carefully enough, because that's NOT what it was.

The purpose of my comment was to show you how easily something as simple and easy as Word's built-in spelling/grammar check can be used to find errors. No need to get Grammarly or an editor/reader, though either or both would be good!

I have to repeat, to not make this MINIMAL effort, then to try to excuse errors with an "I suck at grammar," and casually dismiss those who would LIKE to enjoy your stories, is, yes, an insult.

But, no worries, I'll simply avoid your stories, and you won't have to worry about any critiques.

My comment about editing was in reference to a comment on a story by another story.

My only excuse is that there are so many writers careless with editing.

Again, most humble apologies.

No offense to writer, who is new and learning, but there’s so much work this story needs from plot to editing. Yet, it gets over 4 stars while there’s very well written great stories from Zeb, Sam, Ash and the Prof. submitted recently who don’t even get 4 just because they aren’t women hating btb writers. You wonder why its been mostly willing cuck stories lately? The writers who write about marriage but don’t want btb are submitting else where. Again, nothing against this writer, this is a 3 and others have given great feedback on how to make it a 4 or 5.

It's kind of gross that Janet let Jim cum in her the same day she planned to reunite with Jake. He got sloppy seconds in what was supposed to be a romantic reunion. It would have been much better without that detail.

You whine about people offering you legit criticism, dismiss ideas that can help you and are disdainful of your audience unless they kiss your ass. You have fair ideas, but your writing is bad. Keep listening to people who rave about your stories. They can barely read anyway. They are too dumb to see the plot holes that they fall in.

You had the elements of a good story, but the writing was too careless. Shifting tense,and jumping POV made it difficult to read. Too many elements made no sense. Pull it, re-write it carefully and you could have a good story.

First you set up this romance with a supernatural connection through the eye contact. You name the story after this. Then you kill Susan and he finds happiness with the slut. So what was the point of the whole super romance in the first place? The title also proves to be irrelevant to the story and the protagonist's life...

I agree with the others who've said it. This is a re-post or slightly edited story that was then re-posted. If so, say so.

Poor execution. Poor writing telegraphs ending. Poor choices by Rob5373.

Everyone fails sometime, this is yours Rob5373.

Take what you can and learn.

Good luck on your next endeavor, lol.

AMerryman

Good story idea.

Poor execution.

Poor writing.

Awful attitude by the 'writer'.

You need an editor.

If you won't take constructive criticism and only listen to those praising you, you may as well stop 'writing'. It's only to help you become a better writer. I have returned books to Amazon that I paid for that were just as bad as you.

I really do

Very well written, loved it

I enjoyed the story, especially the first part as I liked Susan and Jake together. The parts with Janet out it a little off track for me. I just don't like sluts, and Janet certainly fit that bill. Plot with Greg, Lomax, and the Senator was a little odd, but it moved the story along. Wonder how a sharp lawyer like Susan could fall for two total assholes, both with connections to Dad? Don't mind the gunfight, but the wrong woman died. Good story, but lose the foot fetish, it added nothing to the story.

This is a very good story. However I don't believe it belongs in Loving Wives. It's more Romance.

... This story really is in the wrong category.

Out of a word count of 17,267 words, a mere 468 of these were about a married couple. That's it. About 3.3% of it had anything to do with marriage. And, worst yet, the only married couple in its entire run was indeed Jake and Janet... So what the hell is this doing in LW!?

'Should have been in Romance. Not even debatable.

As for the story itself... A whole lot of nonsensical, moronic moments polluted the overall narrative of this tale. Doubtful I catch them all, but I'm still going to make a list of them:

• Jake not going after Susan made no sense

As a romantic hero, Pepper is probably one of the dumbest MCs to ever grace this website, going out of his way to be as miserable as possible. Never heard of someone acknowledging meeting the love of his life, yet doing absolutely everything he can think of to NOT be part of her life. Man, at the very least, after getting fired and when he was about to leave town, why on Earth didn't he go find Susan to tell her "I'm ditching town and starting a new life elsewhere... wanna come?", just so he could stick it to her father something fierce by taking away the man's daughter forever? But no, not this coward - tucking his tail and disappearing out of her life seems more like the way to go... And we're supposed to root for this loser?

• Susan being unable to track Jake down made no sense

Jamison wasn't a poor, destitute girl. she was a woman of means and connections, some of it in very high place, having very little to do with her own father. So, for us to buy that she was unable, for FIVE FREAKIN' YEARS, to track down Pepper, when the man in question was not only still in the country, but wasn't even going out of his way to stay hidden... it sorta makes you wonder about the competence of the investigators she hired. For chrissake, Jake ran around the same circle that she did - otherwise, how would she knew about Janet's reputation? This was, obviously, just a narrative shortcut the author took to push his story forward, but boy was it impossible to buy it.

• Susan getting hitch again to some random, new guy made no sense

Yet another forced roadblock Rob5373 had to pull up to make sure his two leads still remain separated. Literally came out of nowhere too - one second, Jamison is all like "... I'm not looking for sex or a husband. That ship sailed when I lost Jake."; next thing you know, she has a fiance! Doesn't get more contrive that this, especially since we learned absolutely nothing of her courtship with Neil. One thing rang quite true, though: Jake, once again, walking away from her makes complete sense - that's how a coward like him would roll.

• Susan getting hitch to yet another one of her father's associates

After the overall fiasco that was her engagement to Greg, and her feelings for Jake, the last thing this woman would have done he accepting another marriage proposal without checking out thoroughly her suitor. The fact that she knew nothing about the connection between Neil and her dad is laughable - they all ran in the same circle! Someone, somewhere would have eventually clue her in. No way would Susan did her darnedest to find reasons, good or bad, to not go through with that wedding, and the fact she didn't just made her look like a poorly written character. And, speaking of idiotic engagements...

• Susan almost married Greg made absolutely no sense!

"Dad pushed me into this relationship. I only said yes to his marriage proposal to get him off my back."

Accepting a marriage proposal is the most counterproductive action I've ever heard anyone take to try to get someone else off their back. Hey ladies, are you a woman who wants some guy to leave you alone? Make him catch you fucking some dick in bed - hell, do it in HIS bed to really drive the point across. I can hardly think of a more effective way to get a man off your back... Unless he turns out to be a cuck, of course. There's other, less brutal ways out there to make such a thing happens (McConaughey and Hudson made quite a shitty romantic comedy out of that precise concept), but it still light-years better then to accept a marriage proposal.

• Whatever plan(s) Neil, Greg and Old Man Jamison had made no sense

No idea what Neill wanting to marry Susan had anything to do with him also blackmailing Janet... No idea how exactly they could indeed blackmail Janet into signing away her company without all three of them going to prison for it anyway (you can make anyone sign whatever they want, at gun point, but such action won't hold up in court unless a notary was around, especially when what is said to be billions of dollars is involved )... no idea how they honest-to-God thought they could get away with kidnapping anyone out of an airport... no idea why two lawyers (Greg and Jamison) had any interest in owning a fashion company... Nothing about any of this made a lick of sense.

• Jake's seemingly complete lack of emotion at Susan's death made no sense

Truly looked like he was way more upset about Janet getting shot than about Susan dying in his arm. He named his goddamn company AND boat after her... yet he barely had a thought about her after she was gone. 'Guess he truly, deeply... didn't give a fuck, after all!

• The hospital never mentioning that Janet was pregnant after her shooting made no sense

Can you actually put someone in an induced coma without affecting a fetus? I'm not a doctor, but it doesn't sound very likely...

• Jake caving and proposing to Janet, fully knowing how much of a slut she is, made absolutely no sense

Jackass had a perfectly good woman, waiting for him to grow some balls, but he took too long to man up and claim her... So I guess his idea of REPENTANCE is to get himself hitched to a woman who trick him into impregnating him and couldn't wait three seconds to get someone else between her legs, when he wasn't around. Yet, sounds like true, everlasting love to me!

If there's one thing to take from this overall interesting, but quite poorly thought-out story, it's that people should probably take at least a chance to find out whether or not a relationship is worth having before bolting out of it, like dummy Jake did here. Even though his mourning of Susan was quite pathetic, I do believe he loved her way more than whatever feelings he currently have for Janet, which makes him settling with her kinda tragic, really.

I still have no idea how that sequel will turn out, but I'm sure Jake will get EVERYTHING that he deserves... whether or not he wants too. And he will have no one else to blame, but himself.

Perhaps you should write your own story. Your comment was almost as long.

Potential. This story could have been much better, with some proofreading, editing, and formatting. Instead it’s disjointed. Viewpoints change constantly, without indications - he’ll, it only takes a 3-dash, or 3-asterisk separator. Quotes begin and/or end without punctuation. In at least one place, a quote changed speaker during a paragraph, without punctuation. Sounds like nitpicking, but the impact is that it the reader has to think about it to realize the speaker changed; it’s a difficult read, when it should have been enjoyable.

Dude, was really enjoying the story until I got to second page! Guy doesn’t have the balls to stand up for himself well to bad. 👎 not worth reading past that point!

Of reality is needed.

This had none.

2*

I really enjoyed it especially the mix of a storyline and hot sex. I look forward to the followup if you wrote one or other of your stories

I liked the story but for a few items and a miss. What ever happen to the Senator and the corrupt deal and being an accomplice to his own daughters murder? How did the Senator's wife take Susan's murder? What was Susan's EX prison sentence or did he role on the good Senator?

/

Jake may be a 'realist' but he is also an emotional pussy to be so quick to embrace an assumed negative. He was scared of his emotional shadow and would run rather then understand the validity of it.

/

4.3*, hooyah, salute!

How does Susan not find Jake sooner? Given who she is and who she is related to, given her job and her wealth, not to mention her determination. She would have been able to find him within 6-12 months tops. The idea that this woman who threw away her relationship with her father and fiance to be with this man to just give up looking is ridiculous. And then she is killed interrupting a botched deal. It should have been Janet and not Susan.

Still okay

jtwheels

Wow, poor Susan. Not one but two broken ankles. Then shot and killed! A trifecta! And our man Jake, who looks at toes while the gal is in the hospital having been shot, he ain't obsessed, at all. Toes and broken legs and ankles are a running theme in these stories. I am hoping for more stories, they amuse, and the constants tickle me. More broken ankles and legs, please, and don't spare the colorfully pedicured toes!

Why didn't he use his money to destroy Susan's dad?.

Sorry but lost interest just too many plot holes to keep me focus⭐️

Garbage,that Susan couldn't find him,he wouldn't need to change credit cards plus he would have to apply for a new driving licence..The bank found him easy enough to give him his money.Also given her injuries and blood loss,there is no way Janet could have kept the baby.

Fuck that, he ends up with the bicycle and not with Susan? She gives up everything to be with him and then dies in his arms? Nope, not interested in whatever terrible crap happens in the sequel. You don't really like happy endings...

Story was good, but also kinda sucked. Poor Susan. Not that Janet didn't deserve happiness as well.

Shit, this is one of those rare stories where i'd support a thruple.

Seriously, though, get your POV shit together. Half the time i didn't know who was talking until i had to pause and figure it out.

Susan should have lived happily ever after with Jake. What happened to the Senator and her ex-fiance?

Would have preferred for him to marry Susan and ruin her father.

mostly dumb