All Comments on 'Thunder with Daddy'

Thunder and your fear of it, the why behind you were there. Plausible. Sleeping med's, the why behind he was not fully alert to the fact you were in his bed with him. You are getting less plausible. The rest of your sentences, as few of them as there is just sound, well, "too elementary."

I fear it would nearly impossible for even an "inexperienced reader" to consider your account of events (fictional as they are) worth the time it takes to read them. What am I saying? Even in fiction, bad fiction, the story should at least "sound like" it could have happened.

You said. "I was still shivering. I remembered from earlier how warm Daddy's penis was. So I had a brilliant idea! I'll put daddy's penis between my legs to keep me warm!" and then, next, you said. "His penis was inside me. Daddy's girthy penis must have pushed my thong out of the way and me moving around put it inside." Daddy was girthy and he just slid right inside the big ole loose water bucket. Didn't wake him at all.

Reading this story caused me to develop a mental picture of two, or possibly more 18 year old girls sharing a dorm room. They have low self esteem; they do not go on dates, and they are completely inexperienced about sex. They giggle in the dorm room (fantasy talk) about what sex will someday be like, share family pictures and admit to having crushes on their fathers. I also imagine them giggling, and smiling as they attempt to turn their collected ideas into a fictional story.

It's a bit juvenile and moves to quickly at the end...

It's a bit juvenile and moves to quickly at the end...

I notice you do not have any favorite authors listed at your member page. you really need to read the work of other authors. Introductions, set ups, rising action. Develop your talent.

Google something called " Freytag’s Pyramid" and please review it until you understand how it works. This is the basis of most narrative fiction. An intro, and inciting incident (something is seen or heard that caused curiosity) rising action toward resolving curiosity, interruptions in the rising action (several need to take place- the phone, someone at the door), then more rising action, finally the climax (curiosity becomes satisfied) declining or falling action (satisfaction with the climax becomes expressed and plans are being made for the next time - next encounter). Try and apply one of your stories to this model.

Fine. (said as though angry). This story was just f*cking fine. (just kidding - okok story.

Quite inexperienced despite inferring to knowing some details about a boyfriend's penis. Then,surprise surprise, daddy's is bigger . . .

Oh well, makes for a third literotica.com submission.

Thank you for the feedback!

I think it has all been said below. This story is unoriginal, unbelievable, immature and totally lacking in any credibility whatsoever.

I think it has all been said below. This story is unoriginal, unbelievable, immature and totally lacking in any credibility whatsoever.

Crap story

Thanks for sharing your work!