Tied Up in Knotts Ch. 06

No communication between Paul and I meant no communication between me and the rest of the committee. There was a building strain and I had a feeling Paul was behind it. I hadn't heard from any of them in a month. There was a conversation coming. I just had to wait for Wayne to set up a meeting. Until then, I was meeting with Lee for lunch and counseling.

It was total hell.

****

Sitting across from Lee made my gut turn. A part of me wanted to find a way to make it work between, the other part couldn't even look at him. Every time I did, all I saw was years of lying and betrayal. It was strange to sit across from someone who once left me breathless. I couldn't get enough of him. Everytime we met for lunch, I'd watch him come in and could feel myself light up in joyous anticipation. It was almost like everything I had ever felt for him had vanished.

Now we sat like strangers. Lee made casual conversation and pretended like nothing was wrong. Even in counseling, he did his best to avoid responsibility.

"What did you do this week?" Lee asked. "Anything fun?"

I bit my tongue and ate my taco. I didn't want to have lunch with him let alone tell him anything. He lost the right to know any of it the minute he stepped out on our marriage and then lied to me.

"Nope, life is pretty shitty. I haven't done much since—" I didn't have to say it, he knew.

Lee tried to be patient with me when I snapped. He was proud of himself for how well he was handling his crazy husband. Who was this man? That's what I kept asking myself. It wasn't the man I married, yet I still wanted to find a way to make it work. I wanted him to drop to his knees and beg for forgiveness, but more importantly, I wanted to believe it. But he wasn't making a real attempt. He wasn't addressing the things that needed addressing. I saw him roll his eyes whenever I mentioned Paul or his infidelity, like I was being unreasonable. He wanted to fix things as long as he didn't have to accept responsibility for any of it.

"Chambers has another interview tomorrow and wants you to come," he said, changing the subject. It was the fourth week of the same dog and pony show and I was counting down the days until it was over. Twenty weeks, that's what was left. I wasn't sure I could make it. I wasn't sure why I was still trying.

"Does he know we're separated?"

"Of course not, I haven't told anyone, especially not my boss."

We'd done a good job at keeping everything hush-hush. Lee didn't want anyone to know what a terrible douche he'd been and I didn't want anyone to know how incredibly naive and foolish I'd been.

"Do you only want to work things out because you don't want everyone to know you cheated on me or do you actually want to reconcile?" I asked, pointedly.

"Of course not. Damnit, Nash, you know how I feel about you."

"Do I? You slept with Paul for two years," I whisper-shouted across the table. Lee looked around to see if anyone was paying attention.

"I know! Jesus Christ. I apologized. Fuck!" he snapped. "Unlike you, I'm doing what I can to fix things."

"Fuck you," I seethed. "Or better yet, fuck Paul."

Lee was livid. Like a bull being taunted by a Spaniard. His eyes were ice-cold as he stared at me. How dare I hold this against him. I questioned a lot of things but there was one thing I knew for sure: the man staring at me wasn't anyone I knew.

He grabbed his wallet and threw down a couple of twenties. He didn't say anything as he grabbed his jacket and left the table. Counseling is going to be all sorts of fun I thought as I followed Lee out. If I was lucky, he'd decide it wasn't worth it.

"Do you want a ride together?" he asked.

"No. I'll meet you there."

He didn't look happy. It wasn't that he wanted to carpool to counseling with me, he didn't, it's that arriving together looked good. If anyone saw us, they'd assume things weren't so bad. Even happy couples went to therapy.

Counseling was indeed tense and, by the end of it, I had nothing left to give. Even hard sessions usually left me feeling encouraged and hopeful even if the hour had been painful, that wasn't the case with Lee. If anything, I was left feeling even more confused and hurt than normal. I went straight home and crashed in bed. It had become my normal Wednesday routine; awkward lunch, pointless counseling, emotional meltdown, crash in bed. Because of this, Wednesday was the only day Penn and I never hung out. I just never felt up to it after being with Lee. Penn never said anything.

****

"You're ignoring me again." There was an air of playfulness in Penn's voice as he made his way through the cottage. I peeked out from under the pillow long enough to see the clock on the nightstand said seven-thirty. I'd been in bed for hours. "I called, twice," he added.

I didn't have to see him to know he was leaning against my door frame in work pants and a black work sweatshirt. His arms were probably crossed, they always were. It was fifty-fifty if he was wearing a hat. If he wasn't, he had hat hair. Either way, I knew he was watching me.

"I let you go to voicemail."

"You let me huh?"

I nodded from under my pillow. The day had been shit and I'd spent the afternoon crying over Lee. The second he saw me his expression changed. Gone was the teasing smirk and soft brown eyes. I knew everything about me; from my messy blonde hair to my puffy eyes and disheveled clothes, showed just how wrecked I was. I looked up at Penn.

"How does a person change from someone you loved to someone you don't even recognize?" I asked.

"Oh Nash." He dropped his arms to his sides and he let out a long breath.

I couldn't do it anymore; I couldn't hold it in. It was killing me. I looked at Penn, at his face full of sympathy, and I lost it. Penn being Penn, rushed to my side and pulled me to him until he was laying with me. He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. And cry I did. Months of dealing with Lee's cheating alone was too much. I was hurt, I was angry, I was broken, and so so alone. It felt like days before I was able to pull myself together.

"Are you ready to talk about it?"

I shook my head no but the answer was yes. It was time. I needed to talk to someone about it all. The only person who benefited from keeping it a secret was Lee. Not telling anyone was about as toxic as meeting with Lee under the pretense that we were working things out.

Penn was my best friend; he was there every day. I owed it to him and to our friendship to stop being such a coward. "I left Lee," I mumbled into his chest.

"Ahh, so that's why you've been living here."

"I know, I had everyone fooled."

Penn let me move the conversation at my own pace and I hated it. Where was the direct Penn I'd seen a month ago? The one that came in and forced me out of the cottage? The one that called me out for avoiding him when he knew I needed his friendship more than ever?

I wanted him to force this out of me. Make me confront the truth.

"Ughhh," I groaned as I pounded his chest in frustration. "This is so humiliating!" I rolled off Penn and dug my face into the mattress like an ostrich. He was right there, rubbing his knuckles between my shoulder blades. It was overwhelming and comforting all at once.

"You don't have to tell me, but you should. And I think you want to. I'm not here to judge you, I'd never—"

"Lee cheated on me," I blurted into the mattress.

Penn froze. I felt his knuckles tapping ever so lightly on my spine. I could feel the agitation in every thump. When he didn't say anything, I turned and looked at him.

"He was sleeping with Paul Culla—" He knew who Paul was, everyone knew who Paul was. There was a twitch in Penn's jaw. "—for over two years."

He looked past me, his eyes hardening. The normally warm eyes were almost deadly. I never wanted him to look at me the way he was looking at the wall right then.

"I was supposed to be speaking at camp when I found all the messages on his iPad. Every time he was too busy to come to my races, he was fucking Paul. Working late? Nope, fucking Paul. Work conference? Fucking Paul. I didn't read everything but I think it's safe to assume every excuse was a coverup for Paul. I came home the next day, confronted him, packed my stuff, and came here. Perspective is a bitch, you know? One morning I was happy. I was married to the love of my life who I met in high school. I had a job I loved and a life worth bragging about. Twelve hours later my life was unrecognizable. He'd been cheating the whole time. Only one thing had changed, my perspective. The crappy binoculars I saw my life through were replaced with a high-end telescope of truth. Do you know what it's like to see all your mistakes and misjudgments in high definition?" Penn stared at me with an unreadable expression. "It's like the worst case of vertigo, ever, and there's nothing you can do to feel better."

I grabbed the pillowed and balled it up under my head. "That's not even the worst part," I said, closing my eyes. "I'm such a dipshit. I've been going to lunch and marriage counseling every Wednesday."

He shifted on the bed. "Why?"

"I don't know," I flopped on my back but I kept my eyes closed. I couldn't bear to look at him. "I don't want anything to do with him but seventeen years is hard to walk away from. And I'm scared. Who am I without Lee? But then again, who was I with Lee? I don't know up from down anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose my job. I'll be required to take leave once I file for divorce. And all the committee members are either Paul's family or friends. They can't fire me but they can squeeze me out, make work so unbearable that I quit. I'm not stupid. It's only a matter of time. I make shit for money anyway. Everything I have—everything I had—is because of Lee. I'll be broke once we split finances. I'll be forced to move back in with my parents."

I'd never been afraid to face things head-on but now I was a giant coward. Lee wasn't the only one I didn't recognize. If I looked in the mirror, I wouldn't have a damn clue who was staring back.

"Say something?" I pleaded after a lifetime of silence.

"I never liked Lee. I didn't like him when we were kids and I don't like him as an adult. He's goddamn lucky you've humored him this far but it ends now. I understand that it's hard to give up on a relationship after seventeen years but Lee walked away a long time ago and left you standing at a door that goes nowhere. You're worried about a job? Money? Things?" he shook his head. "I'm sorry, but no. Those are nothing but terrible excuses. You can get a new job tomorrow and you'd be making more money. What are you really afraid of?"

"I don't know," I cried, tears silently falling.

"Does Lee make you happy?"

"No."

"Do you want to make it work?"

"No."

"Then why are you going through the motions? Why go through this for him?"

"I don't know."

"Nash—"

"I can't do it!" I bounced out of bed. "I don't want to be with him but I'm terrified to be without him! I can't do it alone, Penn. I don't have a family like you. When I walk away from Lee, I walk away from everything I've ever known and that's fucking terrifying! And our divorce will be headline news because everyone thinks they're entitled to the details of my life because of my job, which I won't have for much longer. I don't want a new job, Penn. I love my job! But I won't have a choice. And I'll end up working some pathetic job trying to make ends meet and everyone will feel sorry for me. I had it all! Everything I ever wanted—I had! And now everything is being ripped away from me and I can't do anything but sit here and watch it happen. I'll go to bed alone and wake up alone for the rest of my life. I feel embarrassed and humiliated all the time and no one even knows about any of it!"

I was panting from the emotional outburst. Penn got up and gripped the back of my neck and slowly pushed me toward the bathroom.

"Get ready for bed."

He closed me into the bathroom. I stood there for a minute and tried to get a grasp on my life. He wasn't there when I walked back out. I looked down the hall and noticed all the lights were off. He must've left. I stripped down to my boxers and crawled into bed.

Penn was right. I just needed sleep.

I was about to turn off the table lamp when Penn returned. He pulled the sweatshirt over his head and quickly shed his clothes all the way down to his boxers.

"What are you doing?" I asked. Penn was practically naked and crawling in my bed.

"You think that if you're not with Lee, then you're alone. I'm proving you wrong. You're not alone. No one's asking you to be alone and no one expects you to do this alone. And if you think I'm going to sit back and let you keep making terrible decisions then we're not as good of friends as I thought. Now go to sleep. We'll tackle this thing again tomorrow, and the next day, and the one after that. We'll tackle it every day until we've tamed it or maimed it or hopefully killed it."

Once again, Penn knew exactly what to say and do. He was excelling where I was failing. I was a grown man who had counseled hundreds of people over the years. I could analyze emotion and then write a book about it. I knew I was making terrible decisions when it came to Lee but I needed someone like Penn to point it out.

I turned off the lights and settled in. I tried to fall asleep but there was one thing that bothered me.

"Did you know?"

"Know what?"

"About Lee. Did you know what was going on behind my back?"

"No, god, fuck no. Why would you think that?"

"I just thought, because you guys hated him, that maybe you knew."

"Hell no. If I knew he was cheating on you—" Penn turned and faced me straight on. "If I knew, if my brothers knew, you would've known."

Seeing the sincerity in Penn's eyes made my own burn. And for the first time, I fell asleep almost instantly. I was no longer alone.