Tied Up in Knotts Ch. 10

There was undeniable chemistry between us. I could see it in his eyes and feel it in my soul.

He pinched the fabric of my shirt and ever so gently, pulled me toward him. I held my ground but the move definitely put tension between us and commanded my full attention.

"What did you feel?" The way he asked me had me anchored in place. The only response I could muster was the pounding in my chest as I stared into those dark pools that pleaded for the truth. He tugged my shirt, again. When I didn't move, he took a step closer. His lips were so close to my ear I could feel his breath and it felt like I might explode. "Tell me I'm not crazy," he pleaded. I closed my eyes as my body hummed. How quickly things had escalated to the point of no return.

"Penn," I took a deep breath and pulled away from him. "I don't know what you want me to say, or maybe I do—if that's the case, then believe me, I want to, but there are so many reasons I can't. I can't, Penn. I can't," I shook my head.

The intensity in his eyes matched the grip he had on my shirt. "Nash—"

"My dad—" I looked over to find him messing with the radio. He wasn't even paying attention to us. "I have to go."

"Let me pick you up from the airport."

"I don't know—"

"I'm not asking."

Everything had just been flipped upside down. I'd been content thinking Penn was just a friend I had a crush on but now I wasn't so sure.

Penn opened the door for me and I got in. "I'll see you in three-and-a-half weeks," he said before gently shutting me inside the truck with my father.

****

The drive to Portland was a total cluster. I tried to give Dad my full attention but my brain was with Penn. Something was happening but it was so messy I was terrified to sort it out.

He dropped me off at Joe's without fuss. Literally. He hugged me through the window. That was my dad. He'd maxed out his emotional capacity when I told him about Lee. Now, a two-hour car ride was goodbye enough. No need to get hung up on ceremony. He told me to be safe, have fun, and call him at some point but only if I wanted. This is why Tracy was such a good fit for him. I like her, she was cool, but I was in my mid-twenties when her and Dad got together. We never developed a close relationship. I wondered how her and Dad communicated because they were both terrible with this stuff. It was a wonder how I excelled in the profession I did.

Joe and I hung out for an hour before we met with Wayne. Most of the closest friends I had were on staff in the Portland area. The second they found out I wasn't working in Lincoln anymore. They started pressuring me to relocate closer to them. Wayne had told me the day I quit that he'd find me another area. Yevo was like family.

It was a very informal meeting. We spoke briefly about the areas that were looking for a new Director, the dynamic of those areas, what the committee looked like, and which ones might be a good fit. We also talked about the other candidates and who would be most beneficial in what areas. Joe advocated for Clackamas but only because it was closest to him. He and I had hit it off immediately all those years ago and he'd been begging me to move closer to him ever since.

There were a few promising job opinions but we had to wait until I got back from vacation to talk more about it. As Wayne reminded me, there was no rush. I was about to start divorce proceedings and there was no way I'd start a new job while going through that. This was just a starting conversation.

"We'll throw a bunch of options on the wall and see which one's stick," Wayne said. "No matter what, we'll find you something and it will be better than before."

The rest of the time was spent catching up. Lunch turned to dinner, which turned into a late evening and several drinks. Before I knew it, it was the morning of my flight and Joe was hugging me; telling me to have the time of my life. Little did I know, it would be a once in a lifetime trip that no other trip would compare to.

****

Jet-lag was brutal but Bangkok was amazing. I rented a hokey-as-shit motorcycle to escort me around south-east Asia. I knew right away that, if survived, I'd come out stronger than ever. Motoring in Asia was nothing like America. I don't think that the word 'safety' translated properly.

Besides the almost constant brushes with death, the trip was rejuvenating in a lot of ways. It was good for me to get away and spend quality time alone. I put my phone in airplane mode and didn't look back. In two weeks' time I covered the coast of Thailand, south to Cambodia, then north up to Vietnam.

The difference in culture; the way they had so little compared to the expectations we had in the States was humbling. Moments like these were a big reason why I traveled. Diverse lifestyles open your mind to different perspectives. And perspective is the seed of wisdom.

I never intended to stay off the grid completely. I surprised myself by only checking my email once and that was only to see if there was news from my lady lawyer. There wasn't, which I assumed to be good.

It was nineteen days into the trip and I was exhausted. I was driving south through Laos and had planned to make it a bit further before stopping but I couldn't do it. I had more than enough time to make it back home anyway. I was in a nowhere town when I saw a small hotel, perfect for a day's break.

Being proud of how much English you speak is not the same as actually speaking English, but I couldn't tell that to the guy who ran the front desk. He was so proud of himself even though I couldn't understand what he was saying. In bigger areas, almost everyone spoke English but in the smaller towns like the one I was in, no such luck. We communicated by pointing at things and making dramatic hand gestures to help drive the point home.

Some things are so universal it didn't matter what language you spoke. Like the hand gestures for choking, thirsty, sleeping, or phone, the look of being in love. And when the hotel receptionist hands you a piece of paper, you sign it because you know it's a credit card receipt.

When the receptionist runs your card five times and keeps nervously glancing your way, well that's pretty universal, too. So is the run it again hand gesture.

Finally, I took the card back and offered him the alternate credit card. It too got declined. I was frustrated but not worried. I tried my emergency credit card. Declined.

I had more than enough cash to pay for the sketchy little room. I grabbed my ID and room key and started to leave. There wasn't much I could do about my card issues until the west coast was up and running. "Wi-Fi?" I asked before leaving the counter. He drew a makeshift map on a scratch piece of paper and sent me on my way.

I tried to play tourist for a while but having my cards declined made it almost impossible to relax. After hours of roaming and worrying, it was finally working hours in Oregon. We banked with a small credit union and knew every person there, just like they knew us. I talked to Roxy who was the head teller and a friend. I explained the situation and she quickly went to work investigating what was going on.

"Okay, Nash," she said as she got back on the line. "Looks like there was a fraud alert put on your debit and credit card. We canceled both and re-issued a new ones. They'll be sent out in 7-10 business days."

"Okay..." I found it strange that there'd be a fraud alert on both my debit and credit cards since they weren't linked in any way. "How can I get a new card sent to me?"

"We can't send bank cards internationally. Lee could send it to you once it arrives?"

I'm sure he'd get right on that...

"Yeah, I'll have Lee send it. Thanks for your help," I lied, feeling embarrassed, confused, and angry.

I didn't have to call my other credit card company to know what they'd say. Fraud. With no real means to transfer money, I was stuck. I took a deep breath. I didn't want to jump to any conclusions, as hard as that was.

I connected my phone to the cell towers and waited. It took several minutes but my phone finally pinged with new emails, messages, and voicemails. I took a quick inventory before deciding to start with the emails from the lawyer.

Nash,

Due to an error, Lee was served the divorce papers on 12/13/2017 instead of 12/23/2017. We will continue on course but ahead of schedule. We don't imagine much will happen before you get back next week so it should be business as usual.

Ha. Business as usual.

I cursed as I re-read the email. Hell hath no fury like a man being served divorce papers after he cheated, cheated, lied, and cheated. I moved on to the half-dozen emails from Lee. They started out mild but escalated to fully enraged. His numerous voicemails verbalized everything he'd written in his emails.

I forwarded everything to my lawyer.

I also forward everything to Chambers. I wasn't sure what he could or would do but I felt like he needed to know what Lee was doing. If anyone could get Lee to calm down, it was Eric Chambers. I didn't know how these things worked, but I couldn't imagine claiming fraud on your soon-to-be-spouse's cards; the day after being served divorce papers; while they were overseas, would look good in the eyes of the courts.

I had enough cash to last me through the end of the trip as long as nothing crazy happened. I decided to go straight back to Bangkok. It took three days and a couple sketchier hostels but it was better than being stranded for who knows how long.

****

The day I got back from my blitz trip from northern Laos to Bangkok, I found myself sitting at a cafe a few blocks from the hostel that would be my home for the duration of my stay. Three straight days of driving a crappy motorcycle on even crappier roads left my body dreaming of happier days. Never did thirty-five feel so old. But god it was nice to sit on something comfortable while eating American-ish food. Ever bite felt like heaven after the crap I'd been eating.

There was a group of Americans who quickly took me, the lone American, in to their group. We got to chatting and I found out they all came to Bangkok to teach English. I had a cousin that did something similar. She graduated from college as an engineer then spent three years teaching in Prague before coming back home. Now she's a nurse. I guess life can take you on crazy adventures.

"So, all of you guys live in the same house?" Six people seemed like a cozy living arrangement.

"Hell yeah. The six of us plus Ben and Amy, who went back to the States last week. So really, it was like eight."

"Hey," John looked like he'd just gotten an idea. "How long are you here for?"

"Not long, a day and a half and then I fly back to Oregon."

They shared a look of disappointment. "You wouldn't by chance want to stay longer, would ya?" Suddenly I had six sets of puppy dog eyes staring back at me.

"It's not about want. My soon-to-be-ex has left me a bit strapped. I don't have the means to stay."

"What if we could change that for you? We're sharing a place and have a spare room now that Ben and Amy left. They're paid up for another month. Soon-to-be-ex means you have nothing keeping you in Oregon and we need someone to fill the vacant teaching spot. I think we can get you streamlined. In a few weeks you could be teaching and making money. It would just be until June. Unless you love it, then you could sign on for another year."

"As great as that sounds," and it didn't sound horrible, "I have to deal with this divorce."

"That's what lawyers are for. People get divorced from other countries all the time. I don't see why it would be any with you being here. Ask your lawyer about it."

Every time I tried to find a reason why it wouldn't work, they found a solution. I can't say they were legitimate solutions but I didn't care. I knew I wouldn't get a job offer in Portland until the divorce was finalized and I didn't have much keeping me in Lincoln.

Sure, there was Penn, who I missed him so much it hurt. No matter how hard I tried, he was never far from my thoughts. I just wasn't sure I was ready to deal with whatever was waiting for me when I got back. The moment we had shared was surely the gateway to a total disaster. No matter how I worked it in my mind, I knew nothing good could come of it.

The more we talked about me staying, the more I didn't hate the idea. I left the cafe with a legitimate promise of consideration. I had to wonder if Sam's conversation about doing something crazy had sparked a fire in me. Why else would I actually consider something so crazy?

I called the lawyer that night (morning for her) and inquired about proceeding with the divorce if I stayed overseas. It was possible but would take longer. I had a feeling Lee wouldn't take kindly to me staying away. That alone leaned my decision toward staying.

****

"I'm not sending money to the Prince of Nigeria," Eric jested when he picked up the phone.

"But he'll reward you handsomely."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," he chuckled. "To what do I owe this pleasure, Mr. Cushman?"

"How's Lee?"

"Upset and irrational," he said, clearly feeling bad for his lead lawyer. "I did talk to him after I got your email. He knows he fucked up, little too late, I know. I can wire you money."

"I might take you up on that," I said. "I'm thinking of staying a while. I've been offered a teaching job and I just might do it."

"Lee's not going to like that."

"Yeah, well, he didn't exactly ask me how I felt about him fucking Paul, so—"

"I know, Nash," he sighed. "I'll do what I can but you really should've talked to him about this before you left. He knew you'd end up filing for divorce but feels blindsided by the timing. He's upset you never said anything before you left. We both know you don't owe him anything after what he did, but—"

"I'm having a hard time feeling bad about it, Eric. Sure, I feel terrible he got served the way he did. It wasn't supposed to happen while I was gone," I admitted. "But he's a fucking asshole. He cut me off while I was overseas and that's after cheating on me."

"I know, Jesus, I know," Eric said. "He's done everything wrong; I know this. I'm just saying that I understand where he's coming from, emotionally."

"He can pretend all he wants that he would've accepted all this if only I had told him in advance. But I don't believe that for a second. He would've been upset and vengeful. He's done nothing to prove to me otherwise."

"You're probably right," he conceded. "It's probably too much to think you might call him?"

"You're fucking right it's too much," I said. "He never said anything to me for two years while he fucked around with Paul. Why do I owe him a phone call now?"

"You don't. You really don't."

****

The next morning, I told John that if we could get things lined up, I'd stay until June. There was a lot to do. I needed to expedite the certification process and apply for a visa. When Kim, the supervisor, got involved, things happened quickly.

****

'You're never allowed to leave again. Not with so much unsaid between us.'
'I wish you were here right now. Things have been crazy here and I wish we could talk.'
'Ten more days.'
'I was thinking about driving to the airport tomorrow and waiting there until you arrive...it's only six days ;)'
'Three days.'

I re-read Penn's messages more times than I cared to admit. The newest message had come in less than twenty-four hours ago. My flight home was scheduled to depart in less than two days but I wouldn't be on it and he still had no clue. I hadn't replied to any of his messages because I didn't know what to say.

I had already told my dad the new plan. Now it was time to tell Penn. Calling him terrified me. The coward in me wanted to have my dad convey the message but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't even bring myself to do it over text.

I fidgeted with the phone as I waited for him to wake up.

"Hello?" he said. I almost forgot about his molasses over gravel morning voice.

"Morning."

"Nay?" he perked up. I imagined him sitting up in bed at the sound of my voice. Well, sitting up as much as he could in that tiny alcove he slept in.

"Surprise." It sounded awkward even to myself.

"It's been so long," he sighed. "Are you ready to come home?

"Actually—" I was glad he couldn't see me cringe awkwardly at his words. "My flight got changed—to June." When there was no answer, I looked at my phone to make sure he was still there. "Penn?"

"Yeah," he whispered, his voice deep with sleep and sadness. "I knew it.

"I'm coming back—"

He scoffed.

"C'mon, Pey—"

Ney? Pey? I don't know when these nicknames happened but it wasn't a good sign. Nicknames were basically one-way tickets to Emotional Attachment-ville. Elevation: unhealthy.

"I should go. I hope you have a good trip and I'll see you...around, or whatever." He hung up before I could say anything. I fell back on my bed with a sigh. I felt like a total asshole. The hurt in his voice would haunt me for months.

'I miss you. More than you know'

I sent the text then stared at the ceiling until I couldn't keep my eyes open. Anything to keep me from crying. When I woke up the next morning, there was a new message.

'I know nothing because you tell me nothing'

It was true but once that dam broke, there'd be no turning back. I wanted to tell him how I felt and I wanted the same words in return. But at what cost? I could never do to Cam what Lee and Paul had done to me. Absolutely never.

After that, I should've given Penn space but I didn't. I found myself emailing him every detail of my trip. Everything I'd done since I had landed, everything that happened with Lee, the invitation to stay and teach. I told him everything.

Everything but the thing I think he wanted to hear the most.

Everything fell into place. I was approved for my work visa, finished my certification in record time, got moved into my new flat with my new friends, and started work. Although I had never imagined teaching English, it was the transition I needed. I was still with kids, still making an impact, but in a totally different way. It was the palate cleanser I needed before starting a new life. No one knew the details about Lee or who I was in my old job. I was just Nash, an American tourist in Thailand.

I kept in contact with my lawyer and with Chambers. I even called Lee. I shouldn't have, I owed him nothing, but I called him anyway. I didn't give him the same curtesy I gave everyone else and I called him after work which was some ungodly hour in Oregon. Because fuck Lee.

"Hello?" Lee sounded like he was trying hard to pretend I hadn't just woken him up. "Nash?"

"Yeah, it's me."

There was a pause as his brain played catch up. "What the hell Nash? What the hell?" He sighed. He wasn't angry, he was hurt.

"What did you think was going to happen, Lee? You can be mad all you want but you cheated on me and then turned around and cancelled my cards. In between those, you got mad at me every time I asked questions. As the victim, I had the right to ask all the questions in the world, you know? God," I wanted to scream. "You've been nothing but a complete asshole to me, treating me like a yo-yo. I never knew you to be such a selfish, narcissistic asshole until this. Was anything between us ever real?"

"Of course it was!"

"Was it? Really?! Then tell me, when did it stop? Help me understand."

Lee didn't answer right away. I could practically see him rubbing his face as he fought the truth. "We got married so young."

"What does that have to do with anything. Fuck, Lee, that's the biggest copout ever. Since when does getting married, at any age, equate to treating someone the way you treated me?"