Tied Up in Knotts Ch. 10

"It doesn't equate to anything," he said. "You never dated anyone besides me, you can't tell me that you never wondered what else was out there."

"I never wondered what else was out there."

"Bullshit."

"Fuck you, Lee. I never wondered."

"Of course you didn't," he said, barely restraining his frustration. "But I did. I fucking wondered. I did everything you wanted. I waited for everything. I had the most un-college experience because that's what you wanted. We got married because that's what you wanted. We stayed in Lincoln because that's what you wanted. And I had no problem with any of it because I loved you, but eventually, I wondered."

My eyes started tearing up. I never forced him to do any of that. "You said you wanted all those things."

"I thought I did until I didn't."

"How was I supposed to know? You never said anything, only that you were happy."

"What would you have done if I told you?" he asked.

"Anything. I would've done anything. What would've made you happy?" I think I knew, the moment Lee didn't answer, that he knew I would've done whatever he wanted, except what he wanted, wasn't me. "Why didn't you just tell me? Why didn't you just man up and tell me it was over years ago?"

"It's not that easy, Nash." He sounded like he was trying not to cry. "I loved the life we built together. I couldn't just walk away from it."

"But you did, you walked away from it the second you started lying to me. The second you started living a double life. I don't understand your logic here. It doesn't make any sense. Why the hell did you force me into counseling and waiting six months if you never had any intentions of making it work. You had already made your choice. I don't get it!" I yelled.

"Because!" He yelled back. "I didn't know what I wanted. Things with Paul were never going to work out and I thought that maybe it was just a phase. I thought I'd get it out of my system and move on. And after it got out, that's exactly what happened. I thought, well, maybe I was being forced to get back with you and that was a good thing—"

"Oh my god!" I yelled pacing around my bedroom. "Are you even listening to yourself? You thought that maybe you were being forced to get back with me? How fucking horrible are you? I don't even fucking know you!" By now, I was crying from the hurt of his words. "Do not contest this divorce. Do not fight me on this. You let me fucking go. You bow out of this like the man you should've been years ago."

Then I hung up. I hung up and laid in the fetal position for hours. And I cried. I cried so hard I'm sure everyone heard me. When morning rolled around, I didn't get up. I stayed in bed all day and thought about what a fucking sham my entire marriage had been. When night came, I had found some peace. Whatever happened between Lee and I, I knew it wasn't on me. Lee could blame me all he wanted but we both knew that I never forced him to do anything. I would've done anything and gone anywhere if only he'd asked.

I woke up Sunday feeling sad but I also felt like there was closure. Whatever lingering thread of hope I had been holding on to, was gone. There was nothing left in me that wanted Lee. I was ready to move on.

****

Staying in Thailand for seven months, on a whim, warranted opening the elusive gift Sam had given me. He told me to open it in case of an emergency or life change. I think everything I was going through counted. I held the cryptex for over an hour as I tried to think of what it could be. What could Sam had fit in such a small box that would give me the freedom to make a big life change? I tried thinking of every possibility but kept coming up blank. I even thought about movies I'd watched but nothing seemed realistic enough to be an option.

Finally, I moved the letters and unlocked the box. I slowly pulled it apart. Whatever was, there was two of them, side by side. They were wrapped in white paper and so thick they didn't come out easy. When they finally came lose, they uncoiled, falling all over my lap.

Ten-thousand dollars. I laughed as I picked up the two wads full of one hundred-dollar bills that had fallen everywhere. Only Sam would hide ten-grand in a small box like it was nothing, then hand it to someone while being elusive as fuck. I thought of all the ways I could have lost it. What if someone had stolen my bag? Holy shit. Then I laughed again because he did say it would bring luck and prosperity. If there was ever a time I needed to be prosperous, now was it.

****

After talking to Lee, everything changed. I felt better, I was smiling more, I had hope for things to come. Everything was good except Penn. I emailed him weekly updates but rarely got a response. When he did respond it was terse. I even called him but only ever got his voicemail.

I had left Oregon in late November and it was February when I decided to try FaceTime him instead of voice-call. I fully anticipated it would be ignored like all my other calls but suddenly I was face to face with Penn in all his morning glory.

He was shirtless and sleepy-eyed. The bedsheet was pulled to his belly, leaving his chest on display. Damn, I had missed him so much. I missed being in his presence. I missed talking and laughing. The way we'd drive around town together, running errands and sharing meals. I hadn't realized how much I missed him until I was looking into his morning clouded brown eyes.

Never during my marriage had I cried when Lee and I were on different continents. But I found myself wiping my wet cheeks as he I looked at Penn.

Penn got emotional when he saw that I was emotional and then I got more emotional when I saw he was emotional.

This is why nicknames were a bad idea. Terrible really.

Neither of us said anything. We just laid in our respective beds, watching the other process months of pent up emotions, and acclimated to the other's presence. We never did get around to talking. I fell asleep while on the phone. I guess the relief from finally seeing him was more exhausting than I expected.

After that, we started Face-Timing several times a week and texted almost daily.

He tried to slip "us" in conversations but I refused. Seventy-five-hundred miles apart was not the time to discuss such sensitive issues. We talked about a lot of things us was off-limits. So was Cam. All he told me was that there was a lot going on. Per her request, they weren't sharing the details. He promised to fill me in as soon as he got the okay from her, or in June when I got back, whichever came first.

I was curious, really curious, but part of me didn't want to know. Not yet. That didn't stop me from hoping that maybe they were going through a divorce of their own. That maybe, when I got back in June, Penn would no longer be straight and married but single and gay. It was a lot to ask. Even I knew that.

****

"I did a thing today," Penn smiled brightly over FaceTime. He was practically exploding with excitement.

"And what's that? "I yawned. It was afternoon for him which meant early morning for me.

He held up a piece of paper. Even fully awake I wouldn't have been able to tell what it was. Wi-Fi where I was at left a lot to be desired and he was waving the paper like a mad man. It was a pixilated mess.

"A piece of paper, niiiice."

"It's a ticket," he held the paper closer to the screen and pointed to what I assumed were dates, which I still couldn't read because the video was blurry and his hand too fidgety. "April twenty-third to May seventh."

"Wait." I sat up, now fully awake. "You're coming to visit me? Here? In Thailand?"

"Yes," he laughed and lowered the paper so I could see his wide smile and happy dimples. "June is too far away."

Missing each other was implied but never said directly. That would've been a direct violation of the rules we'd set in place.

"What are the dates again?" He repeated them. "That's during my break."

"I know," he chuckled again. God, he was so happy. "That's why I picked them. I don't want to share you."