Tied Up in Knotts Ch. 10

The haircut wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I wanted a basic buzz cut or something equally untouchable but Kelsea, in no uncertain terms, told me to fuck off.

"Someone with hair like yours should be jailed for such a crime. You're not ten anymore. Buzzcut should be banished from your vocabulary."

The end result was a little too flashy and big city for me but it looked damn good. It was sharp and crisp on the sides with some length on top. I was worried I wouldn't be able to duplicate her style technique but she swore it was my kind of a low maintenance situation.

I tugged on the top, there was definitely enough for someone to run their fingers through and, even though it wasn't what I thought I wanted, I couldn't deny how good the change felt. Out with the old and in with the new. Kelsea had really nailed it. Maybe I was romanticizing the power of a new hair cut but it felt like a weight had been lifted. I left her shop feeling like a new man, one who could face whatever was thrown my way.

****

Since the split with Lee, Penn had been overly interested in my wellbeing. If I wasn't quick to respond to his calls, he'd show up at my door to see if everything was okay. It was something I came to appreciate about his character. So, it come as no a shock to see Penn's truck still at the cottage when I came back.

"Whoa," he stood from the couch as I walked through the door, his eyes plastered to my hair. "I conjured up every imaginable reason why you ran out of here earlier and a haircut was not one of them."

"Yeah," I ran my fingers through my newly trimmed locks. "I'm sorry about that. It's just, I don't know. There was a—uh, a moment today with Lee." I shook my head and walked to the kitchen for a cup of water. I was still trying to unwrap exactly how I felt when Lee had touched me. The way he looked at me with love and desire, two things that could not possibly be real anymore.

"Oh," he looked taken aback. "Are you guys going to reconcile?"

"What?" I almost choked on my water. "God no. No," I help my hands up like 'whoa man, no way'.

"Ok, I mean, you said there was a moment—"

"Yes, but not that kind of moment, not for me anyway. It was a gross moment. Here—I'll show you." I stood in front of Penn and put my hands on his shoulders so we were squared up. "Pretend like you're me and I'm Lee." I took a deep breath to get into character then reached out and ran my fingers through his hair.

"If I had known how sexy you are with long hair, I would've—" I said in the same longing, sleazy tone Lee had delivered it with earlier. We stood there for a moment as Penn registered what Lee had done.

Lee slapped my hand way, much the same way I wanted to do to Lee. "He wouldn't have? What?" He asked, his irritation building. "What wouldn't he have done?"

"Great question. Not slept around behind my back? I have no clue." I took a step back, "Now tell me, how do you think I felt when he did that?"

Penn used both hands and rubbed his hair like he was trying to get a pound of sawdust out of it. "Like you wanted to burn all your hair off."

"Exactly," I laughed. "I still don't know how I feel about it all but I know I needed to cut it off. He also said he didn't like this," I rubbed the stubble that was growing on my face. "So, I'll be growing this out while on vacation."

Penn scratched my beard and smiled. "The facial hair looks good on you. It has a strawberry tint that looks good."

I felt like a cat purring. Damnit. Part of my rash decision to cut my hair was so Penn wouldn't have a reason to touch me. Yet, I couldn't stop myself from enjoying it. Unlike the punch-in-the-gut feeling I got when Lee touched me, Penn's touch made me feel good, calmer.

"Well, don't get used to it," I said. "As soon as I serve Lee, I'll probably shave it off as a giant fuck you."

"Sounds good." Penn gave my beard one last scratch then pulled away. "Grow it, shave it, braid it. Whatever makes you happy."

I wanted to flip him off for always having the perfect response. Instead, I made him dinner. My plan to shop for one didn't last but I'd been foolish to think it would. Me over-reacting about my feelings wasn't going to stop him from being my friend.

****

I was at Penn's place for a change. It was only the second time I'd been there and that was hardly fair in the grand scheme of things. It was about time I got off my ass and contributed to our friendship. I couldn't expect him to be the one making all the effort. That's how I found myself with burning shoulders as we hung lap siding.

"Are you good with cars?" I asked Penn.

"I can get around," he shrugged oh so humbly. He was a Knott after all, that meant almost everything came naturally to him. "Why?"

"Something's going on with my truck. It's fine when I start it in the morning but once I've been driving it for a while, turns into a total slug. I press on the gas and it barely accelerates."

He asked me a few questions, some to which I didn't have the answers. "Hmm," he hummed as he continued to hang siding on the house. "It could be a couple different things. I can take a look at it later if you'd like."

"I'd like." It was more than I was expecting. I was only looking for a little guidance before sending it to the mechanic.

We continued to work on the house until late afternoon. I learned so much from him and he was patient as always. After we cleaned up and I was getting ready to head home, Penn stopped me.

"Why don't you leave the Suburban here and take my truck home? That will give me a chance to check it out.

"Oh no, it's fine," I waved him off. "I don't need your truck. I can leave my truck and stay around at the cottage for a day, no biggie."

Penn rolled his eyes. "I doubt that. You're leaving in five days. I'm sure you have plenty to do."

I really did. I just didn't want to inconvenience him. I took the keys and thanked him. His truck had a small lift, large tires, and black wheels that matched the custom black paint job. It looked like he'd had a lot of customized stuff done to it and it definitely stood out in a crowd. It was so big I really had to pull myself up into the thing.

There was this stupid feeling of happiness when I situated myself in his seat. It was like being in high school again; driving your boyfriends' truck for the first time.

I had to school my features because Penn was watching me and I didn't want to look like a giddy teen. I bit the inside of my cheek as I fired up the diesel engine. He smiled and waved as I drove off. It wasn't until I was out of sight that I laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. Still, I couldn't stop smiling. Oh, don't mind me, just driving the beau's truck.

I ran a bunch of errands the next day, mostly an excuse to drive Penn's truck. The looks I got as I drove through town were comical. I was even pulled over at one point. Lord knows Penn never let anyone drive his truck before. Oh the flags I raised.

It was late afternoon when Penn stopped by in his work truck. "Do you know how many phone calls I got today?"

I was sweaty and shirtless from deep cleaning the house. I had four days to leave the place cleaner than when I arrived. "Do you know how many times I got rubbernecked and pulled over?"

"I don't know about the rubbernecking but I did hear you got pulled over."

"Of course. They probably called you first? Did you tell them it was stolen?" I glared at Penn who smiled. "Your truck attracts too much attention. I don't like it."

"Oh, and your truck is incognito?" He teased. But he was right, everyone knew my truck. Between the two of us, we couldn't go anywhere unnoticed. "Anyway, do you want the good news or the bad news?" Penn moved about the cottage like it was his own and I continued to clean around him.

"Uhm, the good?"

"I can fix your truck."

I looked at him suspiciously. "But—"

"You can't drive it to Portland. I have to order parts so it won't be ready until you get back."

"Oh," the bad news wasn't that bad. "That's fine. How much do you think it will cost?" I asked. I continued to dust the shelves while Penn followed me around.

"Eight-hundred, give or take."

I made a face. I doubted my truck was worth eight-hundred but it was still cheaper to fix it than to buy something new.

"I'll drive you to Portland since your car will be out of commission.

I waved him off with my dust rag. "It's fine. I'll have Dad drive me."

"I don't mind. We could make a day of it, maybe have dinner or something before your flight. You know, a farewell type thing."

"Well, I'm going up a day early to see a friend. We haven't hung out for a while. Now that I'm off staff, I don't know how often I'll see him."

"Oh, okay." I could tell he wanted to press it but he didn't. We were spending a lot of time together but not nearly as much as we had been. Cam had been around more, still less than I considered normal for a married couple, but a lot for them. I didn't mind, it helped hold me to the boundary thing I needed so badly.

"You'll be here Sunday though, right?"

I stopped cleaning and looked at him. "I don't know. I'll probably spend the day with my family."

"Wow," he drawled. "Will I even see you before you leave or are you just going to disappear without saying bye?"

"Don't worry, I'll text you before I go," I teased then I grabbed a pile of dirty clothes from the floor and walked to the laundry closet.

"You're a jerk, you know that right?!" he shouted to my retreating back.

"Yet, you still love me!"

"You wish."

Well yeah, I thought to myself. In a perfect world.

****

There was more to going up early than seeing Joe. It wasn't anything concrete but Wayne had called to see if I'd consider coming back on staff. The catch: it would be in the Portland-Metropolitan area. There were a couple of areas looking for Directors.

As nervous as I was about transplanting, the offer was tempting. I wouldn't go as far as to say Lincoln had nothing for me anymore, but my life was going to hell in a handbasket and Portland could be a nice change. If I had a second chance at love it wasn't going to be in this town. The gay population in my age range and compatibility consisted of...well, me. I wasn't sure what the hell was going on with Penn and Cam and I wasn't sure I wanted to find out.

No one knew I might move to Portland. When the Lewis' insisted I keep my stuff in the cottage, that they weren't going to kick me out, I pointed out the fact they were always having people over and there was no use for me to take up the cottage if I was going to be gone for almost a month.

But the real reason I didn't want my stuff there and the real reason I was cleaning the place from head to toe, was because I had no plans to come back. I wasn't sure what I was going to do when I came back but I had to do something. I didn't want to stay at the cottage anymore. I needed to move forward.

****

The remaining days passed in a blur. I packed up what little I had in the cottage and put it in my dad's garage. I met with my lawyer one more time, just to go over everything. I packed what I needed and then, bam, it was time to leave.

I was making the beds and waiting for Dad to pick me up when Penn arrived. We hadn't seen each other in days. I'd been busy getting ready for my trip and Penn had been busy with Cam.

I hadn't pried but there was definitely something going on there. Whatever it was, it demanded all of his attention. He kept apologizing for being distracted but I waved him off. Cam took precedence over me and my looming departure.

"Your truck keys are on the table," I yelled from the bedroom when I heard him come through the front door. I heard the keys jingle as he picked them up, then I heard his footsteps as he made his way down the hall. He leaned against the door and watched me finish the bed.

"Why does it feel like you'll be gone longer than three weeks?"

"Because technically I'll be gone for three-and-a-half weeks."

Penn didn't look amused.

"How do you do that?" I asked.

"Do what?"

"Know. You always know."

His face morphed from confusion to concern. "What's going on?"

"Maybe nothing."

"But maybe something?"

"Maybe. I might be moving to Portland. That's why I'm going up today. I'm meeting with Wayne and Joe to talk about options."

Penn looked like I'd just told him his family was being held at gunpoint. He turned around and paced away until he was staring out the window in the living room. He stood with his back to me for a full minute before turning to face me again, looking hurt as ever.

"Does it have to do with me?"

"What?" I asked, shocked by the question.

"I don't know, Nash," he sounded so unsure. "We were close. We hung out all the time and talked about so much. Then one day, poof, you didn't want to be around me. Now I find out you're moving away. Every day I wonder what happened between us."

"No," I rushed. "You didn't do anything. Nothing happened—"

"Stop. Give me more credit than that. Something happened. Just tell me what it was so I can stop wondering."

I rubbed my face and tried not to groan. I wasn't surprised that he knew I was acting weird. I always knew he could see it, I just hoped it wouldn't get brought up.

But if there was ever a time to drop the 'I developed some pretty serious feelings for you, a married man, and now I feel like a giant hypocrite' bomb, now was the perfect moment. I was about to spend a month in Asia and then probably move to Portland. I'd be far from the blast radius.

"You're right," I resigned myself to the truth—or at least some version of it. "You didn't do anything. In fact, you've been...perfect. That's the problem. I think, maybe—I don't know...everything with Lee left me—" I tapped my head in frustration as I tried to find the words. "I think I started feeling—"

I was cut off when dad's truck came barreling up the gravel driveway.

"Shit," I mumbled. I couldn't have this conversation with my dad two seconds from waltzing in. I grabbed my things and headed to the door. Penn grabbed my arm.

"Started feeling—? What did you start feeling?" We stared at each other. His dark eyes demanded answers that I was too fucking nervous to give.

Dad grumbled as he opened the cottage door, effectively putting a stop to my confession. "That driveway is a bitch." He looked around the house and whistled. "No wonder you didn't want to move in with us." When he was done inspecting the place I had called home the last few months, he looked at Penn and smiled. "Penn, man, good to see you," he reached out and shook Penn's hand.

I let Penn and Dad catch up on whatever it was they found interesting. Most of it had to do with work since they were in the same industry. Not toilets, but construction and building stuff. I finished putting things away and made sure I had everything I needed. Triple checking my passport and money.

"Why am I the one dragging you to Portland when Penn here is free as a bird?" Dad asked in his usual teasing manner. He had a hard time expressing emotion and defaulted to sarcasm. Making everything seem like a big inconvenience was his go-to deflective mechanism.

"Because you love me, Dad, or have you forgotten?"

"So you always remind me."

"I can take him if you'd like. It's really no problem."

"Nah, I already took the day off work." AKA, he was actually looking forward to spending the day with me but couldn't come out and say it. "Are you ready? Do you have everything? You know Tracy always packs for me but I know a few things about traveling, like, you need money," he said. "You've got your money?"

"Yes, I have my money and my passport. I even took pictures of my passport and emailed it to myself in case something happens."

"How about a credit card? Do you need a spare? I can give you one in case there's an emergency." I stopped him from reaching for his wallet.

"I got it, Dad. I have plenty of cash, plus my bank card, plus my bank credit card, plus a spare credit card. If all else fails I can prostitute my way home."

"Oh no," dad shook his head. "They like those young petite boys. I saw it on Dateline. You're way too big and muscular. You'd terrify those men. Plus, you're way too old."

"Dad!" I looked at him and then at Penn, who burst out laughing. "I can't believe you just said that."

"What?" he looked confused. "You've got a cute face and all but you'd be hard-pressed to find a perv to cash flow you home."

"From the mouth of a babe. I shall never be wanted again." I dramatically put my hand to my forehead, Gone with the Wind style.

"Hey, I never said that. If I can remarry at my age then so can you. But we're talking about prostitution and that's a young man's market. Plus, your moral compass is too sharp. You didn't even have sex with Lee until you got married. There's no way you'd let some old money man dick you."

"Dad!" I wasn't one to blush but boy was I red.

"It's true, though," he turned to Penn and smiled. "Fun fact. Nash was terrified to give Lee a blowjob at first. Talk about an embarrassing conversation. As a parent, I was prepared for a lot of things but I never imagined being asked for bj pointers by my son—"

I quickly covered his mouth with my hands so he'd stop talking but he was stronger and pulled my wrists away.

"What? It's a funny story." Dad looked at Penn apologetically, like he was embarrassed by my behavior. Penn thought the whole thing was hilarious which only encouraged my dad's behavior.

"Anyway," he continued despite my pleading. "I couldn't bring myself to talk about that sort of thing so I recruited my sister. She took him out for Chinese and, well, I think you know what happened after that."

"Well," I said loudly as I swung the travel pack over my shoulder. "This has been fun but I think it's time for everyone to forget this ever happened. Let's go." I shoved the other bag into my dad's arms and pushed him toward the door.

Penn looked around like he was trying to find something to carry out but there was nothing left. "That's everything?"

"Yep. The more I pack, the more I have to carry."

The two men went outside while I did one last walk through to make sure everything was out. I walked my key to the main house while Penn and my dad hung back. When I came back, dad opened the passenger door and told me to load up before shaking Penn's hand goodbye and getting in the truck.

When I finished stuffing the pack in the small space behind my seat, I stood to say bye to Penn. He was leaning against the side of the truck with his arms crossed, not looking too happy at all.

"If you don't want to work on the truck I'll understand—"

"Don't be dense, Nash. Obviously, I'm going to do it."

"Okay," I paused. "Thank you."

There was a pregnant pause as we stood there looking at each other. Unlike every other time we were together, this wasn't altogether comfortable. The unsaid words from earlier hung heavy between us.

"I guess I'll see you next month." I opened my arms lightly, hoping he wasn't so angry he'd deny me a proper goodbye. He wasn't. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me.

"Are you sure? I'm starting to think this is a goodbye, goodbye," he said, his breath warm on my neck.

"I'll be back."

When I pulled away, I could see that my words did nothing to make him feel better. His dark eyes were full of worry as they searched for something to hold on to.

There were several times that our interactions seemed more than just friendly. I ignored them because I didn't want to deal with it. Penn was married, we were just affectionate people, it meant nothing, best friends have quirks. Those kinds of things. But there was something in the way he looked at me, in that moment, that I couldn't make an excuse for.