Tied Up in Knotts Ch. 14

"I had no idea," I said when Abby started looking at me funny.

"Join the club. They were pretty tight-lipped about it. We only found out when Penn got back from visiting you. Cam came to celebrate his return and, BOOM, she was all belly. Kind of hard to hide that. Cam and I went out for coffee later. You don't drop a bomb like that and get to walk away. I had questions; you know?"

"Yeah, lots of questions."

Oh, I had so many questions.

"Right?" she huffed, still offended by all the secrets. I understood it. Oh boy, how well I understood. "Cam told me she was planning on an abortion. She's so busy with work and her and Penn were, well, you know—"

Were planning on getting a divorce.

Not really in love.

Complicated.

"Anyway," she continued, totally oblivious of my reaction...or lack thereof. "Penn would hear none of it. I guess they really got into it, fought hard over it. Clearly, Penn won out. He seems pretty easy going but he'll also fight to the death, or life, if he needs to. You won't catch me on the wrong side of Penn. Nope. No way. Honestly, I think Cams glad he stood his ground. She was just scared. Logan and I got pregnant at the end of high school so I know how terrifying it is. I'm just glad it worked out. Penn will spoil his little namesake and I'll die watching. It's just too cute," she gushed, still watching Penn dote over Cam outside.

The whole time she rambled I was thinking about things Penn had said. I'd had no reason to question him before but now it seemed so obvious. He had been scarce before I left for Thailand and said it had to do with Cam. He also mentioned they'd talked about getting a divorce but then things got complicated and would take longer than expected.

Well, I'd say so.

Technically, he hadn't lied but he sure as hell left out some pretty big information. I felt about as blindsided as I did when I found out about Lee.

Penn told me he respected me and I believed him. Wholeheartedly. Had I done something that gave off the impression I wanted to be lied to and manipulated?

"Well, that's enough of that," she said. "I want to hear all about your trip. Come outside with me so you only have to share it once. I don't think anyone expected you to show up. They're going to freak!" she smiled and opened the patio door for us.

"Actually," interrupted. "I, umm, forgot the gift in my car."

"Ahh, that's so sweet," she was looking at me the same way she'd just looked at Penn. "Hurry, I won't spoil the surprise. I might even record it," she waved her cellphone then shooed me toward the garage.

She didn't have to tell me twice. I left as fast as my feet could take me. I didn't slow down, even when I was out of view. I jogged down the driveway. It wasn't until I was at the bottom that I reached for my cell phone. Their house wasn't exactly in town and it would take at least an hour to walk somewhere. I figured Dad or Nathan could pick me up.

Only I didn't have my phone. I checked my pockets again and sighed. I remember having it on the way there. I hoped I'd left it in Dad's truck but more than likely it was sitting on the table by the patio door, having set it down when I heard Penn and Cam were having a baby.

Five miles later I was walking up Nathan and Kelsea's driveway. I hadn't seen either of them in over six months and had barely called him while I was away. Hell, I hadn't seen or talked to him much since Lee cheated. He had every right to be mad at me but I knew he wouldn't. Our friendship was better than that.

When I finally got to the house, he was standing with his arms crossed. He tried to be intimidating and was about to give me shit until he saw my face. He silently stepped to the side and let me storm by. I flopped face down on his couch and screamed as loud as I could into a pillow.

When I sat up Nathan was patiently waiting.

"Do I have 'doormat' written on my forehead?" I asked. "Is there something about me that begs people to treat me like shit? What is it about me? He knew what I went through. He knew what I was going through! He said he respected me. R-E-S-P-E-C-T." I got up and paced around the living room while Nathan sat and watched. "I don't know how I would have reacted if he had told me right out of the gate, but at least I would have the information and the choice. This is big. This is a baby. You don't hide a baby. You say 'Hey, I know things are new between us but I'm going to be a dad. I think you should know that. I RESPECT you enough to be honest'. Ugh! To think I actually considered staying here. It was all too soon. Shit with Lee is still up in the air, why did I think I could move on. It was stupid of me."

I was breathing so fast I thought I might pass out. I put my head in my hands and took a couple of slow breaths.

Nathan stared at me with his mouth open. "What, in the ever-loving fuck, is going on?" he asked, enunciating the questions with his hands.

"Penn Knott. We were—seeing each other. Then, today, I found out he and Cam are having a baby."

Nathan looked at me like I was a stranger; like he'd completely missed the last nine months of my life. It wasn't far from the truth.

"Penn Knott you say?" he put his hands to his lips and looked at the sky like he was speaking to Jesus. "I'm gonna need you to rewind and start from the beginning."

So, I did. My storyline was all over the place but I told him everything; from thinking Penn hated me, to Ryan kidnapping me, to lunches, our budding relationship, Thailand, his marriage to Cam, and his fifteen-year-old feelings for me. Lastly, seeing him kissing and cooing Cam's belly and the conversation with Abby.

When I finished, Nathan was sitting in the chair across from me looking like he'd just binge-watched the newest drama on Netflix.

"I think murdering both Penn and Lee would be a little suspicious but if you left town a few days in advance—to be on the safe side—I think I could pull it off."

I gave him a look and he raised his hands.

"Okay, okay. No murdering. Copy that," he feigned disappointment. He always had a hard time taking things seriously. "I don't know what to tell you. This whole thing sucks ballsack. For the record, I never thought Lee was good enough. As for Penn, I don't know him well enough to make any judgments against him, except...I hate him and he's a giant dill-hole who can rot in hell. How dare he make my best friend sad."

"Why am I your friend?" I threw myself into the chair with a huff. I don't know why I came to Nathan's support. "Where's Kelsea? She's better at this stuff."

"I resent that. I'm amazing at this stuff. I told you years ago to divorce Lee and now look, you're divorcing Lee. Maybe you should stop judging me and start listening to me. You can't fight greatness."

"Okay, oh great one, what do I do about Penn?"

"I think you're making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. You said it yourself, you need to focus on this crap with Lee. You need to get divorced and take his ass to the cleaners. Then you need a job and a place to live. You need to get things lined up so you can move on. Penn might be nice to look at but you haven't known him for very long. It's not like you guys have history. It won't be hard to make a clean break. Sure, it sucks, but whatcha gonna do about it? Penn and Cam are having a baby. They'll need time to figure out what that looks like for them. He may want you but they need him. Shit, neither of you need a distraction right now. Ya both need to focus on your own drama." Nathan held his hand out and dropped the metaphorical mic. "Boom. Nailed it."

"I really wish Kelsea was here," I groaned. She'd tell me what I wanted to hear, not what I needed to hear.

"Where do you think she gets all her good advice from?" he asked, then answered by pointing his thumbs at himself.

I rolled my eyes then pulled myself out of the chair. "I'm going to crash. Can I see your phone real fast? I think I left mine behind."

Nathan tossed me his phone without question. The tracking app showed my phone was at Len and Tia's. As unfortunate as that was, they usually left their house unlocked which meant I could grab it while everyone was at work.

"Can you run me on a few errands Monday? I need to get my phone and stop by Dad's for all my stuff."

"Sure, you can crash here. Don't worry about asking or anything."

"I wasn't."

Of course, I was welcome, we had an open-door policy, it's what best friends do.

I was tired. Between travel and the surprise (to me) baby shower, I was exhausted. I wanted nothing more than to lay down and not wake up for a day or two. I pulled myself out of the chair, tossed the phone in Nathan's lap, and started toward the guest room.

"Hey," Nathan said, standing up and pulling me in his embrace. "One day at a time, right? That's what you always say to me. Tomorrow, you'll wake up, I'll make you breakfast, and we'll chill. Monday, we'll get your phone—"

"And my truck."

"And your truck," he continued. "We'll get whatever you need. Then Tuesday we'll figure out the next step. You let Lee focus on Lee, Penn focus on his family, and you focus on you."

With that, he let me go.

I slept great for a few hours then not so much. It had more to do with jetlag than Lee or Penn. I laid in bed for a little bit, got up and had a snack, then laid back down where my mind wandered.

Learning about Cam would've been hard on a good day but after a day of travel it was downright unbearable. Sleep helped me put things in perspective. I was less angry after a few hours of quality rest.

He wanted to do right by Cam and I respected that. Empathized is a better word. Respect would've been given if he'd been upfront with me. So yeah, I understood where he was coming from and the why behind it but I was angry. He lied by omission after I'd been traumatized by a lying husband.

On the plus side, I cared less about Lee than ever before. Downside; because my heart was broken all over again.

***

When I woke up again it was eleven in the morning, I felt...surprisingly put together. Nathan even commented on my cheery mood. I was ready to conquer the day.

One day at a time.

Dad was too busy pouting to ask about Penn. He just looked sad as I loaded all my stuff into Nates truck. I felt guilty so we stayed for lunch.

"You're dad's hilarious."

"He's a cool dude."

He really was. He wasn't perfect but he loved well and stepped up after him and mom divorced.

We shoved my crap in his garage and spent the rest of the day hanging out. Kelsea came home around dinner; she'd spent the weekend out of town with some friends. Nathan either filled her in on the gossip or had kept her out completely because she never said anything.

We waited until midday the next day before we went to get my phone. I wanted to make sure no one was home.

Nathan looked uncomfortable and refused to take more than a few steps into the house. "Is it not strange to be in someone's house when they're gone? I feel like I'm breaking the law."

"It's cool. They never lock their doors and I practically lived here months. They won't care that I came to grab my phone."

I walked to the patio entrance expecting to find my phone on the sofa table but it wasn't there. I looked around the living room, then the kitchen. It was nowhere.

"Could you make it play a noise or something from the tracking app?"

He fiddled with it for a minute. "I can but it's pointless," he handed me the phone and I took one look and cringed.

"Fuck."

Nathan took the phone back and studied it. "Where the hell is this? It looks like it's in the middle of nowhere."

"It's Penn's house."

"Shit."

"Yeah, shit."

"Does he leave his door unlocked too?"

"He didn't even have a house to lock up last time I was there. But there's no way am I snooping through his stuff. Len and Tia are one thing, but that would be crossing a line."

"So, what are you going to do?"

"Call me childish but I'm due for a phone upgrade."

"He has your truck too," Nathan said.

I flashed him my best smile. "You have an extra."

"This is a terrible idea and you don't normally have terrible ideas." Nathan looked at me with sympathy then nodded toward the car.

I groaned and pouted and stomped my feet as we left the house, phoneless. "I know. I'm buying time. I need a plan. I'm so fucking tired of being blindsided."

Nathan squeezed my shoulder and shoved me toward the truck. "I know just what you need."

So, we went running. Nathan was the only person who could truly push me. He'd been doing it since we were in sixth grade.

He was right, it was just what I needed. It had been a week or so since I last ran. I'd been too busy getting ready to move back home and anxious to see Penn. I was able to outrun all the stress and negativity.

I made a new goal: Make running a priority.

So, I ran. Everyday. I did the same route I always ran along highway 101. I waved at all the same people. I even saw Ryan and Logan. They both waved though Ryan looked suspicious. I was too tired to care. I half expected to see Penn but never did, something I was thankful for.

I got an email from my lawyer. I hadn't heard from her in a while. I hadn't pressed for any information because I knew these things moved at their own pace. She scheduled a time for a final review. The best part was; we had a date for the judge to sign off. Maybe Lee had let up since he wasn't getting a reaction from me. I couldn't be sure.

I was bitter about having a failed marriage I just never thought I'd be divorced. It wasn't something that popped into my head, not even as a hypothetical thought. It had never been an option. Not to me. But there I was, not living my best life.

****

A week later I was over the jet-lag but not over the heartbreak or stress that came with everything resurfacing. I thought about both Lee and Penn daily. I met with the lawyer and signed off on the dissolution of my marriage. I wondered if I'd see Lee before the judge signed off. I wondered if I even wanted to.

I thought about stopping by Penn's. I wanted my phone and my truck but I didn't really want to deal with him. I was over it all. I had been emotionally tossed around so much it was making my stomach recoil. Being in Lincoln wasn't healthy anymore. Every day I did the same thing and none of it was improving my emotional health.

I decided to call Wayne.

"Nashville, to what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Wayner. You retired yet?"

"What? You trying to poach my job? You can't handle this job," he laughed.

"Well, now that you mention it, I am trying to poach a job. I was actually hoping you might have a lead on something."

"Nash, you know I have you on the line but we can't do anything until next year. Even I can't push that through."

"No, I'm talking about something to hold me over until then."

There was a moment of silence. "Are you moving to Portland?" He tried to keep calm but the excitement was bubbling beneath the surface.

"I'm definitely thinking about it."

"Hot damn! You just get your ass up here and I'll have a job waiting!"

That was pretty much the wrap up of that conversation. I hung up smiling. I loved Lincoln but it was no longer where I needed to be. With all the changes going on, I needed a blank canvas: first Portland, then wherever Yevo might take me.

****

The early sunrise and all the job possibilities brought me out of bed at first light.

I wasn't interested in working in a metropolitan area because I really loved small towns. I always had a knack for overcoming their hardships like funding and lack of quality volunteers. I thought of all the places that didn't have a lot going for them and couldn't help but see endless job possibilities.

I really didn't want to live somewhere hot and humid, that was not something I could handle. I was in the middle of picking all the places I didn't want to go when Penn passed by. I kind of froze when his brake lights fluttered. He'd recognized me and was trying to figure out what to do. I just knew he was freaking out as he tried to think fast on his feet. It wasn't until he actually kept going that I relaxed. Who knew someone could hold their breath that long and live to tell the tale?

Some might say that Penn was my last loose end. I didn't agree. He left out a very big detail and, as far as I was concerned, I owed him nothing. There was no need for a long, drawn-out conversation. My feelings aside, what he had with Cam was bigger than what him and I had. If I ended up in a situation where I was forced to talk to him, I'd tell him that much. I would let it go on the best terms I could muster.

I thought a lot about what a conversation between the two of us would be like. I'd go for a diplomatic approach because I wanted things with Penn and me to end differently than things had with Lee. Okay, so me living without a phone for over a week just to avoid Penn wasn't the most diplomatic start. However, the phone detox gave me time to reach Zen. It's the only reason I could consider being at peace with Penn.

I started smiling. I felt good about where I was. Knowing I was moving gave me an all new confidence. I felt in control for the first time and I loved it.

All new that flew out the window when I was snatched by my elbow and pulled off the sidewalk mid stride. Then I was swung around and pushed against a car.

Correction: a truck. A black truck. A custom black truck whose owner looked none too happy sprinkled with a dash of hurt.

"Goddamnit, Penn! You scared the shit out of me!" I covered my face with my hands and took a deep breath to collect myself. My heart rate was at critical level. "Fuck!" I said again, pissed that he'd scared me. Pissed that we were facing off when I was once again blindsided. Pissed that this wasn't on my terms.

"I don't know where you were looking but I've been standing in your line of sight for the last five hundred feet." Distracted and thinking about this exact conversation. "You've been back for over a week," he stated, crossing his arms to show me just how annoyed he was. His jaw was set and his eyes were dark.

"I lost my phone."

Penn rolled his eyes and turned his head to watch the cars pass by. He was trying to keep his composure. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was holding himself back—as if he had a reason to be mad at me. When he looked at me again, it was the same way my dad looked at me when he was giving me a another chance to answer correctly.

"What?" I said. "I lost it somewhere between arriving in Oregon and showing up to what I thought was your homecoming party but turned out to be a baby shower."

"I know. I found it. What I couldn't figure out is why I couldn't find its owner."

"Probably had something to do with you kissing Cam and her big 'ole belly."

Penn threw his hands in the air and shouted, "I told you we're just friends!"

"Unfortunately, that was all you told me! It's pretty fucking shitting to show up to a baby shower I didn't know about only to find my boyfriend or—whatever the fuck you were—kissing his just friend. I had to find out from Abby, Penn, from Abby!"

"Cam didn't want to tell anyone. I had to respect that!"

"And I respect that, I really do. But in respecting her you disrespected me. Did you not think this was something I needed to know about?"

"I wasn't going to keep it a secret, Nash. I was going to tell you. I've been telling you that the whole time. I told you I'd explain what was going on when you got back home. That was always the plan."

"When? After the baby shower? After all of Lincoln found out about it? When you had to leave in the middle of the night because she's in labor?"