Tied Up in Knotts Ch. 15

Ryan and Logan were watching us, they'd heard every word. Ryan motioned with his hand that we were wrapping things up and heading back. The scrimmage was over. He and Logan took off towards the clubhouse.

We were alone. I leaned back, took a deep breath, and rubbed my face. "I understand how that hit home for you. I even understand why you assumed what you did. But I'm not Lee. Never was and never will be. If you weren't able to separate me from him, then maybe it was best we didn't work out."

Nash hunched over, ran both his hands through his blonde hair, and groaned. "It has nothing to do with not being able to separate him and you. That's not even close, Penn. You were everything and more. You were there before the split, during the split, and after the split. And I can't possibly explain how thankful I am for that. But I missed a big part of the healing process because of it. I didn't know how bad I needed to be alone and single until I was in Portland and thriving. It was huge for me."

I continued to stare ahead and ran my hands over the steering wheel. "You being in Portland was huge for me, too. It put things into perspective for me. I had unrealistic expectations when it came to you and what you represented to me; to my life, to my future. You were always a tide to me, flowing in and out and turning me upside down as you did. When you left, I realized—maybe I was standing too deep to begin with."

"Well, there's a reason they say everything happens for a reason—there's so much truth to it. We both benefited from the last year, maybe that's the most important thing and everything else is white noise."

"Maybe," I said, though I fully agreed. I had moved forward but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still holding on a little bit.

"So, are we in agreement?" He asked. "I apologize, you forgive me, we put that entire thing in the past and start fresh?" My thoughts must've played out on my face because Nash raised his hand. "I don't mean it like that. I'm not asking to just forget everything that happened. I'm just asking to try and put the past behind us. You were more than just a best friend to me and I'd like to salvage what I can."

The group playing behind us finally caught up so I released the break and started toward the clubhouse. I wasn't sure how to respond but I figured the truth was best.

"I'm finally at a place in my life where you don't affect me the way you used to. I'm not sure I want to rekindle a friendship that could jeopardize how far I've come. And honestly, I have no intentions of going back."

We passed a group of golfers we knew and waved. Nash bit his thumb nail as he thought about what I was saying. He still hadn't replied when I pulled the golf cart into the drop off zone. We both got out and grabbed our bags. Well, I grabbed my bag while Nash grabbed Logan's, then we started up the hill.

"If nothing else, I'd like to try for something of the friendship variety. That would mean a lot to me."

I looked at him walking by my side, both of us wearing khakis, polo, a glove, and clubs slung off our back. Even though we'd never golfed together, it reminded me of all the things we had done together and how well we went together. There was no denying I enjoyed every second I'd ever spent with him. The question was, could I be friends with him?

I was confident the answer was yes. It would be difficult—you didn't love someone for that long and walk away unscathed. But for the first time ever, I was in a solid place, one where Nash Cushman didn't pull me limb for limb every time he came around.

"This whole thing is throwing me for a loop," he said as we walked closer to the club house entrance. "I think I was being presumptuous and maybe a little arrogant, but I kind of thought I'd show up, you'd be mad for a minute, but then things would go back to the way they were."

"Oh, so you thought I'd rollover the second you showed up?" I half teased.

Nash smiled. "I mean, I kind of hoped. And that's pretty douchey of me, I know that. But I was hopeful."

It was douchey of him to assume he could walk back into my life and use the feelings I had for him as a tool to get what he wanted. Still, I opened the door and let him go first.

He smiled that famous Nash smile. "You're not going to roll over, are you?"

I let the door close behind us and shook my head. "Nah. I'm too old and the ground is unforgiving these days."

Nash frowned though it was more playful than genuine. "Can I at least buy you lunch? You know, a peace offering and gesture of friendship?"

"Thanks for the offer but Ryan's going to put it on his club tab."

"Raincheck?"

"We'll see."

Nash stopped me. "I'm serious, Penn. I really want to talk. This was a nice start but that's all it was—a start."

I wasn't sure I agreed but I wasn't going to start an argument. Ryan and Logan were seated at a table for four. They had fresh drinks in their hands and were laughing about something. When Logan saw us, he waved us over.

"We ordered a round of burgers, hope that's okay?"

I don't think either of my brothers saw it but Nash cringed. I knew he'd rather have a garden burger or something with less meat. I got up, found our waiter, and ordered Nash a black bean burger.

The table was a little awkward when I got back. We were all navigating the new dynamic. Despite the weirdness, we settled well. My brothers were happy to be around Nash and I wouldn't reign their parade. I could suck it up for them even if they couldn't extend me the same courtesy.

As the food arrived my phone beeped. I excused myself and walked outside. I stood there for a minute before the taxi pulled up and he got out looking good in jeans and a button up.

"How was the drive in?" I asked.

"It was nice. Traffic wasn't bad at all," Jason looked around and whistled. "This place is nice."

"It is," I agreed. "Lunch just got served so we should probably head in. Just a heads up—my brothers invited Nash."

Jason laughed; he knew about Nash. "Sweet, meeting the brothers and the ex-boyfriend at one time. Nothing like a good old fashion awkward lunch to round out the weekend."

"We can go somewhere else, it's not a big deal."

Jason waved me off and started towards the door. "No, it's cool. It's not that big of a deal. I gotta ask though, are we wanting to make him jealous? Play it cool? I'm down for whatever."

"Nah. I'm not trying to play games."

"Boo. Sometimes you're no fun."

"I'm plenty of fun," I said, pinching his ass and making him laugh.

I hadn't told either of my brothers that Jason was coming because it wasn't that big of a deal. But if I'd given them a heads up, they would've made it into one. By the time we got to the table, everyone was watching us.

"Jason, these are my brothers; Ryan and Logan. And this is Nash," I gestured. "And this is Jason."

Everyone stood up and shook Jason's hand. They were friendly and welcoming but I could see the shock and confusion in their eyes. I knew I was going to get twenty-questioned the second they had a chance, until then, I was going to relish rendering them speechless. It happened so rarely.

"It's nice to meet you," Ryan said as everyone sat down. We had to shuffle our seats to accommodate another person. The table was square and not flattering for a party of five but we made it work. I moved the extra burger—the one that had originally been ordered for Nash—to the spot in front of Jason. Ryan didn't miss it and looked at me like what the fuck.

"Are you from around here?" Logan asked.

"Vacationed here as a kid a few times but I grew up in Eugene."

"Is that where you live?"

Jason shrugged. "I live all over."

"Live all over?" Nash asked. I could read Nash like a book. He was shocked by Jason's presence, a little hurt, but trying his hardest to accept what was going on.

"Yeah, I travel constantly for work."

"What do you do?" he followed up.

"I'm a lineman."

We ate and they interrogated Jason. Question after question about everything under the sun. I'd warned him it would be coming but he took it in stride. It was one of the things I like about him. He was laid back, fun, carefree, and didn't get worked up about much. He didn't even bat an eye at Nash. In fact, when he wasn't being interrogated, he was talking to Nash.

After a while I excused us. While Jason was saying goodbye to Nash, my brothers looked at me like they were positively going to wring my next the next chance they got. I simply smiled, put my on Jason's back, and pushed him toward the door.

"Your brothers don't like me," he laughed as we neared my truck and got in.

"They don't know what to do with you."

"No kidding, that much was obvious. I could feel their curiosity boiling. On a different note, I totally get it."

I looked at him as I pulled out of the parking lot. "Get what?"

"Nash. I can see why it was easy to be hung up on him for all those years. He's pretty awesome. I started talking to him with the intention of, I don't know, kind of being an asshole? But he was just so cool. Did you know he's run marathons in over eight countries? And that he lived in Thailand for over half a year teaching English?"

"Yeah, I'm familiar."

"Shit, I'm sorry. Of course you know," he cringed. "So, you didn't know he'd be here today?"

"Not until he showed up."

"Kind of a dick move on their part. Good thing I came and helped you steal back the upper hand. Oh, how I'd like to be a fly on the wall when they see you again."

I smiled. He was just so chill.

A minute later we pulled up to my house and got out. Another minute and we were naked in bed.

Jason left the next morning. He had a three-week job near Redding.

****

The next time I saw my brothers, they had questions.

"So, Jason huh? Seems like a cool guy. Is he a new employee?" Playing coy was not Ryan's thing.

"He's a lineman and travels for work. Did you not listen to him?" I asked.

"Sorry, what I meant to ask was who the fuck is Jason?"

"A friend."

Ryan looked at Logan. "A friend he said."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Logan asked. He seemed genuinely upset about being in the dark. "We wouldn't have invited Nash if we'd known."

"You shouldn't have invited Nash anyway. And I didn't tell you because there's not much to tell."

Logan scoffed. "You having a boyfriend isn't a big deal?"

"He's not my boyfriend, he's a friend."

"Since when do you bring friends around?"

"Since he was in town and we had plans to hangout but you two insisted I go golfing."

Ryan watched me and I could see all the hope drain away. He had spent so many years trying to get mine and Nash's orbits to align and, in that time, I think he genuinely began to love Nash like a brother. I had no doubt his intention came from a place of love but I think he was finally seeing that it wasn't going to work out. It wasn't just my loss; it was his too.

"Is Jason really just a friend or are you guys more?" he asked.

"Our label doesn't concern you."

Ryan and Logan looked at each other and came to some sort of an agreement, or resignation maybe.

After that, things went back to normal. I saw Jason occasionally. We had a good friendship but anything more than that was purely physical. I don't think either of us was interested in more than what we had, but what we had was amazing sex.

Yeah, after Nash left, I realized that holding on to that part of me, waiting for the right time—rather it be the right person or marriage—was not working out. It wasn't an isolated thought or anything. It actually wasn't a thought at all until I met Jason. We met in SoCal and after a week of hanging I decided to throw caution to the wind and I never looked back. He was great, experienced, and super versatile. He loved sex and I don't think there was anything he wouldn't try. And he didn't have a weird reaction to my lack of experience, if anything, he was excited to show me the ropes. And show me the ropes he did.

There was no pressure between us. We had our own lives and, when things aligned, we spent time together. After meeting my brothers, he even came to Sunday game night.

The thing that did change was Nash. Suddenly, it was like he was best friends with Ryan or something. It seemed like he was spending every one of his days off in Lincoln. I didn't care. No one seemed to be pushing like they normally did. I'd see Ryan and Nash together in town, sometimes Nash would be at lunch when I arrived. Occasionally he'd be at the house for game night, including once when Jason was there. Nash was a little uncomfortable but that was his deal, not mine.

There were no weird looks or gestures from my family, no strategic seating arrangements, and no accidental pairings. It was like Nash was a part of the family on his own merit. I honestly didn't mind. It was all very natural.

Nash and I never did get a chance to talk more. Nash tried, I'll give him that, but my family was always around and I wasn't sure I had much more to say. I felt like anymore digging and I'd hit water. I really didn't want to mess with the tide again. I was happy on dry land.

****

I was sitting on my deck after dinner one evening, enjoying the peace and quiet when Ryan showed up. It wasn't unusual, he came around a lot, more than anyone else. He pulled a chair up to mine and sat down. Five minutes passed before he finally spoke.

"I need a favor."

I took a sip of my beer. "Sure, what's up."

"I promised to pick Nash up in Portland on the seventieth—"

"But you have—"

"I know. I totally forgot about my licensing appointment until about an hour ago."

Which meant he wanted me to pick up Nash. Which was ridiculous.

"Logan?"

"He'll be on his way home from the Rockaway Beach job that day."

"Abby? Jane?" I asked. "Your mom?" I'd have suggested Cam but I was still bitter that Cam had ever talked to him in the first place.

"Or you could just do it. This isn't a ploy, Nash. I know you're over him. Can you just pick him up?"

"Why can't he drive here? I put three-grand into his car while he was overseas. It shouldn't be causing any trouble."

Ryan waved me off. "No, nothing like that. He's lending the Suburban to Joe for the weekend. Joe is taking a group of guys on a whitewater rafting trip."

"Why doesn't he just stay in Portland instead of coming here? It's not like we're going to be here anyway, we're heading—" I groaned when I realized what was going on. "He's coming?"

Ryan smiled and sickly sweet.

It was rare we had a family vacation that was strictly family. Still, it was a bit shocking to find out that Nash would be in Hawaii with us for two weeks. That seemed like a long time. Part of me wanted to see if Jason was free to come, too, but I knew he wasn't. Even if he was, I didn't want him to go. I enjoyed my time with him but two weeks was a lot.

"So, you want me to drive to Portland and pick up Nash so he can come on vacation with us?"

"Ding, ding, ding," my brother sang. I looked at him skeptically, making him roll his eyes. "I promise. Nothing fishy. I genuinely forgot about the licensing.

Yeah, okay. I could pick up Nash. I think I'd done a pretty good job at proving how over him I was. What's the worst that could happen?