Tied Up in Knotts Ch. 16

"Which one? The skimpy one piece or the 1900's inspired striped set?" Logan laughed.

"Oh, I forgot about that one!"

"Too many good ones, but I agree, they killed it this year. The whole wolf pack thing is going to stick. You know that, right?"

Ryan nudged my shoulder and I grunted. Yes. It was going to stick.

"Lizard man is irritated that we're ruining his sun worshiping."

"And yet, here you are."

"Fine," Ryan groaned. "C'mon Lo, we need to check the wave runners anyway."

I still didn't open my eyes but I could hear some rustling as they got off the chairs and walked away. I continued to lay there. The sun was roasting and I could feel the sweat beading on my skin. I was close to getting up so I could cool off in the pool.

"I don't think you understand how much this morning meant for the kids," Nash said. "I could see it on their face just how much joy this gave them. You are a gift to them."

"It's just a long running joke."

"Mhmm, I think we both know it's not just some joke. But sure, okay," he teased. I wasn't sure what to say so I didn't. Just laid there in silence.

"Lizard man, huh? What's that about?"

"It's my brothers grasping at straws."

"C'mon, humor me."

"They're jealous because I tan better."

Nash didn't respond but I could feel him watching me and I could tell he was irritated. When several awkward minutes passed, I got up. "I'm going to cool down."

I was hoping he'd be gone when I got back but after swimming to the other side and back, twice, he was still sitting in the chair, only now it was the one next to mine.

This time I lied on my stomach to even out my tan.

"Those shorts really are hilarious."

Yep.

Nash made a few more comments but I didn't have a lot to say in return. I wasn't against being friends but apparently, I wasn't eager, either. Something about having your heart broken in the worst and most unexpected way hardened you against their advances. Who knew?

When I went for another cool down dip, Nash joined. My saving grace was that the boys saw us and couldn't wait to come and give me a hard time about my wolfpack. Mostly I think they wanted to hang out with Nash without being too obvious about it.

At dinner Nash found his way next to me. And then after dinner, when everyone was sitting outside under the moon, Nash stole the chair next to mine. He spent most of the evening talking to Abby's brother, Carter, occasionally the whole group, but rarely me. All in all, the night wasn't so bad.

Once again, I was the first to call it a night. This time I didn't hide it.

"I'm heading out. See you all in the morning."

"Goodnight Alpha Sun Lizard. See you in the morning."

I flipped my brothers off, grabbed my drink from the table, and stood up.

"Yeah, I'm going to call it a night also," Nash said, grabbing his water and standing up also. "Bunking with teenagers isn't all it's cracked up to be. I should get an hour or two before they 'go to bed'."

Abby frowned. "Is it really that bad?"

Nash waved her off, "Nah, I'm being dramatic."

Except he wasn't. I learned a lot about Nash during our super short-lived friendship. One being that he could not hide was a bad night sleep. His under eyes were always darker when he didn't get good sleep or when he stayed up too late. Now that I was paying attention, I could see that was the case.

I couldn't help but feel bad. I wouldn't wish rooming with the boys on anyone but there was nothing I could do. So, I left while they tried to find a sleeping solution that didn't involve Nash sleeping with a gang of adolescents.

****

I'm not normally a morning person when I don't have to be. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem being up at an ungodly time for work, but on my days off I enjoy being lazy. But even with the time change I found myself awake earlier than normal.

No one was up when I went to start coffee. I'd just sat down by the window that overlooked the ocean when I saw Nash outside. He had just finished a run and was still a way off, walking up the path. My cup stilled at my lips. I was taken back to high school when I saw Nash for the first time. I can't remember if it was track or cross county, all I remember was seeing him run; his blonde hair sweaty along the hairline and messy as all hell. The look of determination, the slender frame, the way he walked around with his hands on his waist, smiling when it was all over.

He just had to be shirtless with running shorts, reminding me of a time not long ago when I thought I had everything I ever wanted. Time had been good to Nash. His hair was much the same, still messy and damp, but his body only seemed to get better. The running, the healthy eating, and karma had clearly tipped the scale in his favor.

And all that favor strolled up the walkway, half naked, and into the house like it was no big deal. Thank god I had my book so I could pretend like I hadn't noticed him.

Because I hadn't. I definitely didn't notice him or his abs or his legs or the soft blonde body hair that seemed to reflect light in an almost angelic way.

"Hey," he said as he noticed me. He seemed happy and energized. He went to the sink and got a glass of water, then leaned against the counter as he downed it. He then came over and sat next to me. "I'm surprised to see you up. You never were a morning person."

"I'm still not. I just got a good night's sleep."

"What?" he tried to look appalled. "You slept so good that you not only got up early, but got up early with a three-hour time change while I haven't gotten a wink of sleep since arriving. That doesn't seem fair. You should share your room."

I laughed because—well, because that was funny. Funny and definitely not happening.

"You know Jane's friends Mandy and Rob?" Nash nodded like he knew them because they were there but he didn't know them well. "Well, they have two queen beds in their room. You could bunk with them."

"Or I could bunk with you."

"Yeah, I don't see that happening."

"Why not?" he asked "We've done it before. Tons of times."

"That's still a no for me."

Nash rolled his eyes as if him suggesting we shack up, after everything we'd been through, wasn't the craziest—and worst—idea in the world. "I thought you said we could be friends. Because a friend wouldn't let another friend sleep in the dungeon of hell with all of Satan's fallen angels who were sent to torture said friend by keeping him from the ever-important sleep."

And friends don't assume you impregnated someone else without saying something and then run off to never be heard of again. But I didn't say that because it was history and water under the bridge. Instead, I shrugged and went back to my book. "I guess we're more acquaintances then."

I felt Nash's eyes on me though he didn't say anything. Every now and then he sipped his coffee but I never felt his eyes leave. Eventually, he got up. He came back with a plate of fresh fruit and a couple bowls of oatmeal as a peace offering.

"I don't regret," he said, his voice quiet. "I've always believed that life is too short to regret things. If we take a few more seconds to contemplate the choices in front of us, we could make decisions that don't lead to regret. I truly believe that because it's worked for me. Even after everything with Lee, I don't regret marrying him. I don't regret not finishing college so I could work for Yevo, or settling down in Lincoln. And to be honest, I don't regret moving to Portland. But I regret walking out on you. I have made excuses for why I did what I did and, although I believe good came from it and I believe that decision wasn't without basis given everything that was going on with Lee, I know I could've and should've done things differently. In the end, I didn't do right by you."

Nash was looking at me with the genuine sincerity that he was known for, a quality that I had originally attracted me to him. I set my book down. As much as I didn't want to ever talk about this, I also needed to get it over with so I could fully move on.

"You're right, life is too short to live in regret, so please don't. I know that I don't," I said.

Nash squared up. "Well too bad because I do, and I know you do too. You were my best friend and I was yours. We both know this."

I stared at Nash. In all the time that had passed since he left the baby shower, I had never truly realized what had gone wrong between us until that moment. "And that's the issue. You weren't my best friend," I whispered. "You were the love of my life. We were on different levels of commitment the whole time. I was the friend you needed so you could get through a traumatic divorce in one piece. I was too hopeful to see us for what it was. You might have lost a friendship but I lost something more."

"I don't think it's fair of you to discount what I lost."

"I'm not discounting what you lost but you have to look at it from my side, too. It's simple for you to sit here and say something like 'it's easy to share a bed because we did it when we were friends'. But that's not entirely true. To me, I was never sharing a bed with a friend, it was always more. I always wanted it to be more."

"But I wasn't there, Penn. I couldn't have been there. I wasn't even divorced. But I was there at the end, that's why it hurt when I thought you and Cam..."

"You were hurt because you relived the pain you experienced from Lee, someone who you definitely were in love with. It was Lee causing the pain, not me."

"It was both. It was what Lee did and what I thought you did. It was a double whammy."

"But I didn't do anything," I said. "You had proof of Lee's actions. And even after that, you went and confronted him. Why? Because you loved him and you respected him. Because of those things, you had an automatic response to confront him and hear him out. I didn't get that because we were never at that level to you. I'm not saying this as a dig against you, it's just the truth."

Nash groaned and ran his hands through his hair then cradled his face in his palms. After a minute he lifted his head and looked at me. His face was red where he'd been rubbing it and his hair was disheveled. "I was hurt. Not just because I thought you lied to me about Cam but because I loved you. And yeah, maybe it wasn't the same way that you loved me, but I was there," he pressed his finger to his chest, over his heart. "I was there, Penn. You took me there. And then I left. And that's my regret. Maybe it's selfish to want my friend back, maybe it's not even possible, but I will fight for it because right now I have two choices." Nash stood up and put his palms on the table. "I will not choose regret, again."

People started filtering in for breakfast and Nash grabbed his glass of water and walked away. The whole while I sat there, stunned. The conversation hadn't left me feeling better about anything—it left me feeling nervous. I shook it off and enjoyed the company of my family then, after little insistence from the teens, I changed and made my way to the pool.

It was another scorcher outside. Still strangely dry but not as bad as when we arrived. I played around in the pool for a while, even managed to dominate two games of volleyball before retiring to the pool chair.

That's when Nash came out. He was wearing these swim shorts that went mid-thigh, showing off exactly how great his legs were. He walked to the pool's edge and stood with his back to me as he talked to the kids. I had a feeling he was doing it on purpose. I wasn't one-hundred percent sure what it was, but I knew there was something. He'd worn board shorts before, now he was wearing—not board shorts. And he had his ass to me, shifting back and forth. He jumped in the pool and the whole place cheered.

I grabbed my book off the ground and got to work. Except I could see him through my peripheral vision so I laid on my stomach instead. I spent more time trying to avoid looking at him then enjoying the sun. At some point he flopped down on the chair next to me. "This seat taken?"

He was already making himself at home so I didn't bother answering.

"You've been really engrossed in that book, what is it—Into Thin Air," he read before I could respond. "What's it about?"

"Mt. Everest."

"Just a general overview of Mt. Everest or—"

I set the book down. "About a journalist who was hiking Everest with a tour guide and how he ended up being caught in one of the worst disasters in the mountain's history."

"You've had that book in your hand since we arrived. I don't think I have ever seen you read before."

"I only read on vacation."

"You didn't read when we were in Thailand."

"Thailand wasn't a vacation."

"Thailand wasn't a vacation," he mocked. "What the heck was it?"

"It wasn't a vacation," I repeated. Then to drive my earlier point home, I continued. "You know exactly why I went. You. I went to spend time with you. I didn't go to play in a pool or relax in the sun. I didn't go to read or eat good food. I went because it's where you were."

"Well, this isn't vacation for me. I'm here because I want to spend time with you, because it's where you were going to be."

"Penn! Are we hiking or what? You said we'd go today," Kayde yelled.

Nash and I held eyes for a moment longer before I broke to look at Kayde, who was impatiently waiting for me.

"Yeah, give me a minute." I glanced at Nash, who was still looking at me, almost challengingly, then stood up and walked to my room.

****

The group was waiting outside when I came out. They were sporting backpacks and water bottles. A few even had backpacks that moonlighted as water bottles. The girls were taking pictures while the guys passed around Rambo style headbands.

"Ready to rock and roll?" I shouted. They threw their arms up and whooped. The house wasn't too far from a really great hike that overlooked the ocean and the island. In total, I think it was six or seven miles. "Let's roll."

"Hold up," Kody said, "We invited Nash. He'll be here in a second."

Of course they did. And sure enough, a moment later Nash came jogging out of the house, ready to go, sporting his classic larger-than-life smile. He looked at me like he was proving a point; see, I'm fighting.

I looked away then led the group toward the trail. Aside from them buying me swim shorts, I always took them on hikes. When they were babies, I'd stay at the house so their parents could leave for a bit. As they got older, I took them to the beach during the day or hosted a movie night so mom and dad could have a date. Even when they were old enough to babysit themselves, we kept going. My brothers never tried to come. I wasn't the most outgoing in the group and, even though we saw each other all the time, this was our special time. Just me and the kids.

Nash stuck by my side the entire hike. We didn't necessarily talk, besides a few things here and there, just hiked. Nash joked around with the kids and the kids soaked it up. The way he interacted with them was a gift. So many people overlook teenagers but Nash treats them in a way that makes them feel seen and heard. When he talks to them it's almost like no one else matters. I knew exactly what it felt like to be on the receiving end of Nash's full attention. It was addicting.

"We should race to that," Nash said, pointing to the top where the last one-hundred yards or so were crazy steep. I thought the group would nip that in the bud since they'd always groaned just walking it. Instead, they got excited. They tightened their backpacks and lined up.

"You coming?"

"Nah, I'll walk. I'd like to keep my heart and lungs in my chest."

Nash laughed then finished getting everyone in a line. Then they were running up the mountain. No one made it to the top without stopping, which made me laugh. I think they so badly wanted to impress Nash, who could've made it but stopped when the last person gave up. When I finally made it to the top, they were all sprawled out, exhausted from showing off.

We hung out for a little while and took a few pictures. They had Nash take a group shot of us, I took a group shot of them, they took selfies of each other. When I saw the look on a few faces that they were plotting to take a picture of Nash and I, I knew it was time to go. I wasn't stupid, I knew they not-so-secretly wanted to parent trap us.

"Last one down the hill gives me a back massage," I yelled as I gave myself a handsome head start. They were on the far end of the clearing to begin with so I wasn't too worried. And yes, I know, it wasn't the smarting thing to encourage them to run down a steep hill, but they managed just fine.

I was the first at the bottom then slowly everyone filtered down until we were waiting for one.

"OooOOo looks like Nash has to give Penn a massage," Jay teased when Nash came walking out of the trail head. He hadn't even broken a sweat.

"Oh no, whatever shall I do?" Nash said, clearly not upset about losing...on purpose. I really hadn't thought that through.

I caught Nash's eye and rolled mine, letting him know exactly what I thought of his stunt. He wasn't detoured. He simply smiled and continued on his way. He ended up leading the group back while I came up the rear. Kayde, Kody, and Jay held back until they were crowding me.

"Are you guys getting back together?" Kayde asked.

I looked at Kayde and then shoved his shoulder when I realized he was serious. "No."

"Then why have you been staring at him all day?" he asked.

"I definitely have not been staring at him."

"Oh, you definitely have."

"Yeah Uncle Penn," Kody said. "We've been watching and it's been all day. All. Day."

"I think you're seeing what you want to see and not what's actually there."

Jay looked over at me and smirked. "Well, he's been staring at you, too."

"No shit, I've been wearing an ugly pair of swim shorts."

"He's not looking at your wolf pack."

"Well, maybe he is," Jay snickered.

"Oh yeah, he's definitely staring at your wolfpack," Kayde laughed.

"You guys can go away now," I said, motioning for them to run along.

"Because you want some alone time with Nash?" Kayde asked. "Consider us gone." Before I could tell them that was definitely not what I wanted, they ran off. They stopped and said something to Nash, then the whole group took off. Nash laughed then turned and waited for me.

"You wanted to talk?"

"Is that what they said?" Nash nodded. I shook my head at their antics as I walked past Nash. "I don't know why they said that."

He caught up and we walked back to the house, shoulder to shoulder. "Is the house finished?" he asked. Looked like he was going to pretend like things were as they had been.

"Yeah, it's been done for a while."

"I figured but sometimes the small things take the longest to finish."

"True, but you've been to the house since it's been finished," I said. "To grab your phone."

After you ghosted me.

Nash pointed his finger at me and shook his head. "Nope, nice try, but I won't bite. Anyway, I wasn't really looking at the house in great detail. Though I remember it being beautiful."

"It is but I'm thinking of putting it on the market."

Nash stopped. "What? Why? That was your forever home."

"That was the plan but it just didn't end up feeling like home."

I would never tell him or anyone else but Nash was around for quite a bit of the build. He spent a lot of hours on the house with me, so many that it was impossible not to think of having a future there, with him. When he was in Thailand and I finished the home, I finished it truly believing we would end up sharing it someday. So, when things ended, the way I felt about the house changed. I used the back door for months because the entrance beam on the porch was one we milled together. I'd put it front and center as a gesture of love but it ended up being a reminder of heartbreak. Even once I was over Nash, the old memories still flooded the house. In the end, it never felt like the home I imagined.