Tied Up in Knotts Ch. 18

"I've only had sex with Jason, so, I would've said Jason."

"But they said it was all sexual stuff," I pressed. "That includes me."

"And Cam."

"Well, I'd rather not know if sex with a woman was better than sex with me."

Penn laughed and a bit of the tension dissipated. "Then I'll leave Cam out of it."

"Wait," I turned to Penn. "Are you serious? Was Cam better than me?"

"So, between you and Jason," he continued, smirking like an asshole. "It's hard to compare."

"Why? Because Cam was better than both of us?" I asked. I was half joking but three-quarters concerned that a woman was better at gay sex than me.

"I probably would've picked Jason. Sex is incredibly easy and fun with him."

I full on gaped. I didn't even try to hide it. My chin hit the ground. I was offended, and hurt. I had asked the question, that was on me, but had not expected this answer. Common decency says you sugar coat the truth, at least a little.

"Wow." I put my hands on the steering wheel, still balking. "Okay."

"Calm down," Penn laughed. "I said it was hard to compare."

"Cleary. One of us was fun and easy, the other was not."

"Oh stop." Penn was still laughing, clearly having fun at my expense. He was probably doing it on purpose—revenge—except I don't think he'd ever do that. "I was nervous with you. You were Nash Cushman. I was so fucking in love with you. So, no, sex was not fun and easy. The premise of my relationship with Jason was fun—a fling—the definition of fun and easy. That wasn't what you and I had."

"At least throw me a bone and tell me I was better than Cam."

"You were better than Cam."

"OH C'MON," I laughed. At this point, it was funny—humor at my expense—but it was funny. "At least make it believable!"

"You know you were better than Cam!" Penn laughed. He was sitting facing me. Watching me make a big deal of this whole situation. "I barely finished when I was with her and most times, I was drunk."

"Which explains why you barely finished."

"Oooh," Penn cup hollered. "Look who's back in the game. Now you can share yours."

"It's so hard to compare," I mocked then held my hands out so I could weigh my options. "On one hand I have my cheating ex and on the other hand I have sex that was neither easy nor fun."

"You're never going to let this down, are you?"

"I have a lot of mileage to go."

Penn was still smiling when he let out a big yawn. "We should probably head back. I want to shower and put on my own clothes."

"Ready to face the music?"

Penn shrugged. "Hopefully not tonight, but I will if I have to."

"Okay then, let's go."

****

There were still lights on which means there's no way they missed our headlights when he pulled into the driveway.

"We could sneak in," I offered when Penn made no effort to get out.

"That will make it more awkward later."

He was right but he still made no attempt to move, neither did I. Ten minutes passed and we were still sitting there.

"They're watching us."

"How do you know?" I asked, looking at the windows, trying to spot the peeping toms.

"Because it's how they work. Trust me." He unbuckled, took a breath, and opened his door. I followed.

When we opened the front door, I could hear the sound of people scattering and doors closing upstairs. Penn heard it, too, and rolled his eyes. The main room was quiet and I thought maybe everyone else had chickened out and went to their rooms to avoid us, giving us one more day.

Then I saw Logan and Ryan standing in the kitchen. They were both leaning against the counter waiting for their brother. Both brothers looked anxious and remorseful and incredibly terrified. I looked at Penn and he had the same look minus the remorse. I squeezed his arm.

"I'm going to—" you know, not be here while you guys hash it out, also, good luck and say what's on your mind. This is your opportunity to let it out. Penn gave a tight smile and nodded. I looked at Ryan and Logan again, nodded my greeting/eulogy and left the room.

Even though I had slept in Penn's room the previous night, all my stuff was still in the dorm room so that's where I went. When I tried to open the door, it jammed and I heard a yelp followed by quiet laughing. Then the door opened. Everyone was crowded around the door and JJ was holding his face.

I looked at them with skepticism. "What's going on here?"

"You tell us," Kayde crossed his arms. "Something happened last night and now Penn's mad at everyone? You guys were gone all day. It's been a shit show. You guys came home and we were banished to the room and it's not even 9pm."

"And you're listening through the door because?"

"Because we want to hear what's happening," Kayla said with an eye roll.

"Do you think that's appropriate—"

"Shh" they shushed in unison, using their hands to emphasize the importance. Then they shut the lights off and crowded the door, pushing me into the hall.

I could hear voices but I couldn't make out what they were saying. It sounded like regular conversation. I was torn between being the adult and forcing the kids, who were constantly left in the dark, back into their rooms or letting them eavesdrop, which meant I was eavesdropping. It wasn't something I normally did, but I wanted to know how Penn was doing and I wanted to silently be his cheerleader, so against my better judgement, I stayed in the hall.

The group pushed forward to get closer, pushing me forward with them. Before I knew it, we were just out of sight but well within hearing range.

"I don't get how asking me in front of Jason and Nash was funny."

"I guess it wasn't funny," Logan said. "But I don't think it was intended to be hurtful either."

"I don't think you ever mean to be hurtful but you are."

"What?" Ryan asked, shocked. "What have we done that's hurtful? We're close, we do everything together, we'd do anything for you."

"You do, but you do it all without thinking of me. Just so you know, most of what you do, while done with the best intentions, makes me feel alienated."

"Like what? When?"

There was a beat of silence and then Penn spoke. "Everything it feels like. You treat me like, since I'm in my forties and not married, it means I don't have my life together."

"We don't think that."

"Maybe, but it's how I feel, " Penn said. "I'm successful. I own multiple businesses, I make good money, I own property, and I have assets. Yet, you guys pay for everything. When we go out to lunch or dinner, you throw your card around. Even if everyone's paying separately, someone always pays for me—without asking. You paid for my plane ticket and I paid for a lesser share of this house, in fact, I barely paid anything. I'm forty, I can pay for myself."

"Because there's one of you, it's easier—"

I looked at the kids and they were in various stages of cringing. Even they saw the error.

"Oh," Logan said. "That wasn't our intention."

"And then there's Nash," Penn continued.

"Hey," Ryan defended. "Everything we did was for you."

Penn sighed loud enough for us to hear and I felt it in my soul. I felt his frustration. "I wish you would've left it alone when I asked you to. I wish you guys would've left it alone."

"We love you, Penn, but sometimes you need a push. Nothing would've ever happened between you two if it wasn't for us. We know you." Logan's voice was soft and encouraging. "We know how you are."

"Despite what you think, I know myself, too. And you're right, nothing would've happened between us because nothing should have ever happened between us."

"That's not true," Ryan defended. "It's just been bad timing."

"Or, maybe, it was never meant to happen."

"I don't believe that. You were depressed before Nash."

"I wasn't. I might've felt bad for myself because my life didn't look like yours, because that's how you made me feel. But I wasn't depressed until after Nash. And what timing did you expect us to have when you pushed us together—a) while he was married, which made us all look like fucking assholes, or b) after his husband cheated on him? Where I was never going to be more than a rebound—you paddled me out into the ocean and made me ride in on the wake of a tsunami. Do you know what it looks like to follow a tsunami? Total destruction, that's what. That's what I got. So, thank you both, for that. And it's not just you two, it's everyone. It's Cam for going behind my back and talking to Penn. It's Abby for gossiping. It's every single one of you. And you," I imagined Penn facing Ryan, giving him all his pent-up attention. "You decided that you needed to be best friends with him despite my heartbreak and actual, certifiable, depression that followed Nash leaving. And inviting him here—"

I could feel everyone's eyes on me. But it was nothing compared to the pain in my heart, realizing the pain Penn had experienced. Pain from his family and pain from me. The pain he experienced ran deep and I wondered if I'd been chasing a pipe dream thinking we could ever reconcile.

"I wanted to give you guys a chance," Ryan said, still defending himself and his actions. "I want you to be happy."

"I'm not happy!" Penn shouted and I could feel the quake of emotion in his voice, so much so that my eyes started watering. "I'm so unhappy that I'm moving away. I'm selling my house and I'm leaving. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm tired of feeling like I'm drowning all the time and feeling like you guys are tossing me bricks instead of a life preserver."

It took a second for his brothers to absorb what was happening and then it was a flurry of 'What? Where? Why? When? Why? Why? Why?'. I knew they were shocked and devastated by the news, I could hear in their voice.

They weren't the only ones affected, his nieces and nephews--even those who weren't related but grew up in their village--they were all broke. A mix of hearing the pain Penn's was going through and the news that he was leaving.

"California?" Ryan asked, confused and unable to grasp what was happening. "Are you moving with Jason?"

"What?" Penn asked. "No, he doesn't live in California. He lives in Eugene, kind of."

"Then why would you move to California if Jason doesn't live there?" Ryan asked. "I mean, I didn't think you guys were serious or anything but—"

"We're not. Which is part of the reason I need to leave. I like Jason. He's awesome and fun and when we're together I feel like a million bucks."

"What's the problem?"

"There's no future. Even Jason doesn't want to be with me. We're friends, we text, we hangout, we have sex—but that's it. I'm not a no-strings kind of guy. I keep trying but I can't do it." He was crying, I hear it. I was crying. I was pretty sure his brothers were, too. "I go with the flow," he continued, softer this time. "I do whatever you guys want me to do, without question. I did whatever Nash wanted to do, without question. Jason, too. But I'm done. I can't be around you guys and all your good intentions. I can't live in the house that Nash helped build--or the same state for that matter."

"I seemed like you guys were hitting it off again," Ryan said, treading lightly on the hot topic.

"I honestly don't know. I think it's been going well but what does that even mean? I thought it was going well last time. I cannot trust myself to decipher the truth when it comes to Nash. I think he's here so we can be friends again. And I thought I could do that but I can't. I'm already getting my hopes up and I cannot do that again. I won't survive it."

"Fuck. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Ryan pleaded. I could hear the telltale signs of them hugging it out followed by soft conversation only they could hear.

I turned and scooted everyone back in the room. I wasn't sure how long they'd be out there but we'd heard enough. I made everyone get ready for bed. My mattress was in Penn's room but I wasn't about to cross the kitchen to get it, so I laid on the ground and waited. An hour later the light under the door turned off. I held off for as long as I could but finally, I got up and made my way out. No one was up so I padded to Penn's room.

I wasn't even sure what I was going to do. I wanted to see if he was okay, if there was anything I could do, but after hearing him talk, I wasn't sure I was the person he needed. Except I knew I was.

I raised my hand to knock then paused. I could hear voices in his room. For a second, I thought he was on the phone, probably with Jason, but then I realized it was his brothers. They were still going at it, which I hoped was good. I grabbed some extra blankets and a pillow from the closet and spent another sleepless night on the floor in the bunk room.

****

I was terrified to get up the next morning. I wasn't sure how the night went for the Knott brothers, I wasn't sure how Penn was doing, and I wasn't sure what I should do. He said he wanted space from me, he made that clear. I personally thought that was the wrong call, but if I said as much, then I was no better than his brothers. But if I gave him space, then I'd be making a different mistake.

I did the only thing I knew to do. Run. It also happened to be the perfect excuse. If I went out there in my running attire then I could leave when I needed, be gone as long as I wanted, and when I finished, I could shower.

I was usually one of the first up in the morning but that wasn't the case this time. Penn sat at the big table with a brother on either side. They looked exhausted, tense, but relieved. It was like they were glad it was over but not sure what to do now. Jane and Abby were in the kitchen pouring coffee for everyone. The emotion in the room was palpable and the floor was definitely eggshells. I thought Cam would be here but maybe she and the rest of the house were giving them space.

"'Morning Nash," Jane smiled. "Coffee?"

"Nah, I'm going for a run but I'll grab some when I get back."

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at me like I'd lost my head. "In this weather?" she asked. "I feel like that's unsafe."

I looked outside and watched my perfect plan crumble. I had completely forgotten about the storm outside. "Looks like I'll be taking that coffee."

She got my coffee but I didn't go to my usual spot, I stayed in the kitchen with Jane and Abby. The brothers, three in their numbers, sat at the large table alone, yet there wasn't a seat available. The way they sat hunched together and talking quietly told me all I needed to know. They weren't done. I turned my back to them, facing the girls, and breathed in the aroma wafting from my mug. "Is everything ok with them?"

Jane tried not to look at her husband. "I don't know. We think they slept with Penn last night and they've been sitting there since we've been up. We haven't gotten more than a 'good morning'," Jane whispered behind her mug.

Abby also hid behind her mug. "They look beat," she added quietly. "I heard a bit last night. What? I can't help it that the whole house was silent except them. Evidently, it's easy to listen in when there's not two dozen people talking at the same time." Jane didn't say anything but it was obvious she also heard bits in pieces. I'd like to think I did a better job hiding my transgressions though I knew it was doubtful.

Any chance of picking up part of the conversation was dashed when the others filtered in. There was usually a big breakfast but this morning was a fend-for-yourself situation. Everyone eyed the brothers but not a single soul dared to go near them. Most ate standing in the kitchen or huddled on the far side of the other table, away from the drama. It was clear most of the house had a general idea of what was going down.

"They're talking about you," Kayde said, hiding behind his hot chocolate mug the way his mom and aunt had done an hour ago. I filed that way. It seemed a common thing the family did when they were trying to be sneaky. We were both sanding by the glass door that overlooked the pool and, by proxy, the storm that was still putting a major damper on the vacation, especially now that everyone wanted to be anywhere but inside. I glanced behind me, I couldn't help it. Logan and Ryan, who were watching me, quickly looked away.

I looked at Kayde who smirked the classic Knott see, I'm right smirk. "Mind your own," I said but I knew he was right. I had felt them watching me all morning and it was making me more than a little nervous.

"I am minding my own," he defended. "I can't help that every time I mind my own, one or two or all three of them looking at you, whispering." Kayde twinkled his fingers like it was voodoo magic.

"Well," I sighed. "I think we all know I'm a sore subject at this point. Pair that with the fact your dad and uncle have a few things to apologize for and I can see why they're looking at me."

"And what about you?"

"What about me?" I asked.

"Are you going to apologize?"

I looked at him, brow raised quizzically. "What exactly am I apologizing for?" Of course, I could name a few, but I was curious what he thought.

Kayde straightened up, pulling his shoulders back. He wanted to prove he was worthy of being included in grown up conversations and I had nothing but respect for that. "For your terrible communication skills."

"Yeah?"

He nodded. "Yeah. You left without saying a word and then you came here without saying a word. You owe him some words."

"I think I owe him space." Kayde looked torn,. He thought he was right but maybe I was, too. "You don't think I owe him space?"

"I think everyone owes him space," he said, staring outside.

"He made it very clear he wanted space," I added. I could tell something was eating at Kayde. "But?" I queried.

"I don't know," he chewed his lip. "Maybe he wants space but doesn't want space, you know?"

"No, I honestly don't," I laughed.

"Like—" he groaned, frustrated that he couldn't find the words. "He said he was alone and he was tired of being alone but he's with us all the time. And if he's tired of being alone then why would he want more space?"

"Then what do you think he wants?"

"Respect."

I looked at Kayde, confused. I wasn't sure what respect had to do with needing space.

Kayde shrugged. "It's clear he doesn't feel like anyone respects him. How long has he felt that way? Years? That has to be a lonely place to live. We put him there, my dad put him there, Uncle Logan put him there, I put him there, and you put him there."

"I have nothing but respect for Penn."

"Maybe," Penn shrugged. "Talking is a sign of respect."

"And I didn't talk to him before I left him and I didn't talk to him before I came here," I reiterated his entire point. I shook my head. Sneaky bastard.

Kayde tried to hide his smug smile but failed. "The student becomes the masta."

"Slow down there, grasshopper," I laughed. "Your theory has good merit but I think it applies to his brothers more than it applies to me. He needs your dad and uncle to be there for him. But we both heard him last night, it's really difficult for Penn to have me be around and, that sucks, but I get it. If it was up to me then things would be different but I'm going to respect Penn's wishes and I'm going to give him space."

Grasshopper crossed his arms and frowned. I thought he was going to say something but then he turned and walked away. He straight up left without saying a word. I stood there, mouth agape. I'd just been ditched by a teenager. I shook it off and continued to watch the weather. It was calming in its own way. It kind of balanced things. Stormy outside, stormy inside.

The rest of the day was uneventful. Penn spent most of the time with his brothers, talking, though as the day went on, they included others. I kept my distance, respectfully. They moved around the house; from the table, to the living room, to the pool table, to the counter sectional. I tried not to catch them watching me but it was hard. At lunch, Penn sat at the table while everyone else made sandwiches. He watched as I walked by, sitting at the nook we usually shared for breakfast. I glanced up to see Logan and Ryan watching me also.