Tied Up in Knotts Ch. 18

It was frustrating because I couldn't tell what was going on. At one point, I ended up alone with Ryan. When I asked what was going on, he said it was fine. But it wasn't fine.

"Am I doing something wrong?" I asked.

"Do you think you're doing something wrong?"

"I don't know!" I was exasperated. "You tell me."

"Oh no," he shook his head. "Nope, nope, nope."

"Now you're minding your own?"

Ryan nodded. "Yep."

"You're not going to give me anything?"

Ryan shook his head.

After lunch I had all the kids at one table, showing them a card trick. I had Lukas pick a card, then I had him mess the deck up, then I explained in depth how the moon affects the tides and all that jazz while I shuffled the deck back together. Some of them were listening to me talk while others were watching the cards. I'd done this several times already and it was driving the older kids nuts trying to figure out how I was pulling it off. I split the deck, seconds away from revealing Lucas' card, when I heard my name.

The whole table froze and I turned to see Penn standing there. His expression, unreadable. "A minute?" he nodded toward the hall.

I nodded quickly, like a child, then looked at the group with wide eyes. Grasshopper caught my eye and smiled knowingly then patronizingly shooed me away. "Go talk." I set the cards down without revealing Lukas' pick.

Penn turned and walked away. I followed. To his bedroom. He shut the door behind me and motioned for me to take a seat on his bed. I did. Penn stared at me for a long time without saying a word then pushed off the wall and paced the room. "Why haven't you said a single word to me today? You threw me to the lions last night and then today, nothing. You don't even care how it went?"

"What? Of course I care. I very much care. I went to your room last night to see how you were but they were with you. Then, they were with you all day. I didn't want to impose." I also didn't want to overstep.

"I waited all day for you to talk to me. I needed to decompress. But, even when I sat alone at lunch, you stayed away."

"I didn't think you wanted me around, in fact, I was sure of it. So, I gave you space. I thought that's what you wanted."

"Why would you think that?"

"Well," I hesitated. "Because I heard you last night. I know you're upset that I'm here. I made a mistake by accepting Ryan's invitation without talking to you. It was selfish. So I spent the day backtracking. I'm sorry."

"I'm not upset that you're here, I'm upset about the process in which you came. You don't talk to me. You make decisions without me."

"I know, that's why I was trying to give you space."

"But this is what I'm talking about. You didn't talk to me about that. You decided that I wanted space and then made a decision to give it to me. You never talk to me about anything. You wanted me to talk to my brothers and air my grievances. Well I did. And now I want to talk to you and air those grievances."

I can honestly say that never, in my life, had anyone come to me with grievances, plural, to air. Part of my legacy was the lack of grievances, plural, against me. But Penn had grievances, plural, and he was about to air them, and I didn't like it at all. But I would sit there and be his wind tunnel.

I nodded. "Okay."

Penn looked a little shocked. He'd been building up to this, and now that I was sitting there, waiting for him to yell at me, he was faltering. He took a second and collected himself. "

You don't talk to me."

"I talk to you a lot, more than anyone else," I said, giving him a little pushback in case he needed it to keep his sails full.

He puffed up. "Not when it matters. Not when you thought I was Penny's dad, not when you moved away, not when you dropped in on my golf match, not when you came to Hawaii."

"You're right. I really screwed up, a lot," I admitted. "I will always talk to you first—about everything." Penn nodded, proud that the issue was resolved. "What's next?" I asked.

He glanced at me, eyes a little wild. I could see a little panic there but he pulled it together. "It's irritating that you always make decisions without me."

"Like when I decided to leave you, decided to move away, decided to drop in on your golf match, or when I decided to come to Hawaii?" I asked. I tried not to laugh because, you know, po-tay-to/po-tah-to.

"Exactly," he said. It was almost like he was surprised I was catching on.

"Okay. I will always talk to you first and I will not make decisions without you," I reiterated. "What else."

Penn looked confused that he had to keep going but he was also on a roll and wasn't about to stop.

"Stop running with your shirt off."

"It's hot out."

"I don't care."

"Okay," I conceded. "I will always wear a shirt when I run."

Penn nodded, again, it was going well for him but it was also clear he didn't have anything left. Which is why the next words surprised me.

"Why are you here?"

"You."

"For a friendship?" he asked.

I shook my head.

He seemed surprised. "No?"

"If that's what I get, then great. But if I'm being honest, that's not why I came." Penn gestured for me to keep going. "I made a mistake when I walked out a year ago. I still believe good things came from that decision but it was innately not a great choice. The more time that passed and the healthier I became after the divorce, the more I realized the error of my ways. The more I missed you."

Penn stood still as a rabbit cornered though he hid his fear well. He was playing it cool. "Tell me exactly what you want. Be clear. I don't want any more assumptions."

"Okay." I could feel my heart trying to beat out of my chest. I adjusted myself on the bed and took a breath. I owed him the truth and if anything was ever going to happen between us, it would only come from the truth. And respect. "I'm still very much—smitten with you," I said, because I couldn't tell him I was still in love with him, that would be crazy and a little disrespectful since I had never said it to him in the first place, even if it was true. "I would like to get to know you again, to date you, properly, to—do all that, stuff."

"You want to date, me?" Penn still stood, plastered against the wall.

"Yeah, a lot."

"Date me a lot?"

"Yes," I smiled. "I'd like to date the shit out of you."

Penn smiled. "Okay."

"Okay?" I asked, trying not to laugh.

"Okay."

"That's it? No more grievances?"

"No."

"Do you want to talk about last night?" I asked. "Decompress?"

"Maybe later."

"Okay." I stood up, awkwardly. "So, that's it?"

"Yes." Penn was still against the wall.

"I'm free to leave?" Penn nodded so I walked to the door, he followed, then I paused. When I turned around Penn took a few steps back. "Just to be clear, so there's no confusion, I have your explicit consent to date?" I pointed between us. "That's where we're at?"

"You have my explicit consent to date the shit out of me."

"Okay," I laughed. "I'm going to do it."

"Okay."

"Bye," I said, making things even more awkward between us.

"Bye," Penn replied though he followed me out the door and into the living room where we both looked like awkward buffoons.

Ryan and Logan were sitting on a sectional together, watching us intently as we walked into the room. They looked at Penn, who must have done something like a thumbs up because they both smiled and high fived each other. Penn left me joined them on the couch where they went back to their little huddle. Suddenly I had an idea of what their earlier conversations might've been like and I smiled. It was kind of adorable knowing they were encouraging Penn to approach me instead of doing it for him. I imagine it's what Penn had wanted all along. A hype crew. Brothers who pushed him to get his own without stepping on his toes or going behind his back. Sitting on the couch together like high schoolers, gossiping about the people they liked.

The rest of the day was, in a word, the most awkward and giddy of my life. Penn and I were 'dating' but we weren't really talking. He sat by me at dinner, said hi, but that was it. Then we had a big game night afterward. Penn and I shared approximately ten thousand looks but not a single touch and barely a full conversation. I swear to God that Penn was trying to relive a proper high school experience. That and he was obviously wanting to take things slow, which I understood wholeheartedly after everything that had happened. I was more than happy to oblige. I'd date the shit out of him but in the slowest most respectful manner ever. I was going to court him the way he deserved.

That's what I thought about all evening, every time we glanced at each other, or brushed against each other, I thought about all the ways I could do right by him. Things might've gotten more tense between us but not in a bad way, instead, it was a really cute way that I loved. Things were also better between him and his brotehrs. They seemed to enjoy each other's presence in a whole new way.

Penn looked happy.

****

Everyone but the kids were calling it a night. The day had been exhausting for everyone, even those not directly involved. Which was no one since this village was all-inclusive regarding private matters. I was helping Cam clean up the kitchen. Whatever weird thing had always been between us was now intensified. If I had to guess, she was feeling guilty about intruding in Penn's love life. The more I thought about it, the more I noticed that everyone was walking on eggshells for that same reason.

Penn came in and watched Cam and I as we finished up. I glanced at him a few times then smiled at him for being kind of creepy. He smiled back. I finished wiping the counter and leaned against it, watching Penn while Cam put the leftovers away.

"Mind if I grab my mattress out of your room?" I asked.

Penn frowned. "You're going to sleep in the bunkroom?"

Cam faltered in the fridge then froze. Penn looked in her direction and rolled his eyes because she would choose now to pretend to be discreet and uninterested in his business.

"I assumed—"

"Ahh," Penn crossed his arms. "You assumed."

I glanced at Cam who was still standing in the fridge probably wishing she wasn't there though Penn didn't seem to care.

"If you want me to sleep in your room, all you have to do is ask."

Penn scoffed. "Do what you wish."

"Okay. I'll just grab my stuff from the bunk room then."

"Okay."

"Okay."

The fridge started beeping, alerting us that Cam was still standing there. I took that as my cue and walked out. Cam patiently waited for me to leave so she could squeal at Penn. Which she did, when I was still in earshot.

I shoved my clothes in my bag and grabbed everything from the bathroom. I was nervous to stay in his room now that we were dating, or whatever was happening between us, which was about as clear as mud based on how much distance he left between us all day.

He was waiting at the door when I arrived. I took a breath and pretended it like it was any other time that we'd stayed together. I set my stuff against the wall and took my toiletries to the bathroom. He joined me and we got ready for bed together, brushing our teeth side by side at the single sink. When we were done, I went to my mattress which had been pushed away, probably when his brothers stayed over.

Barely any words were exchanged but I could feel Penn watching me as I settled on my stupid, tiny mattress.

"Do you want me to hit the lights?" I asked before I got too comfortable.

"If you want." There was a bite in his tone and I wasn't sure why. I got up, turned the light off, then laid back in bed. I tossed and turned a few times but couldn't get comfortable. The air was getting heavier by the minute. Penn's annoyance was brewing. I waited and waited for him to say something but he never did. Finally, I broke.

"Whatever's wrong, spill it." Penn mumbled something but I couldn't understand him since I was so far away. "What?" I asked. He mumbled again, a little louder but still not enough for me to catch on. I smiled, dramatically tossed my covers off and pulled the mattress next to Penn's bed. I sat on the bed and leaned my head against the mattress like I'd done the other night.

It was dark but I could still see that Penn's eyes were a matrix of emotion as he watched me. I didn't need to ask because it was all there. If I had taken two seconds to think of things through, I would've been able to piece it together sooner. Penn had been, maybe still was, in love with me. I broke him when I left. He tried to put himself back together. I think he did the best he could. I came back without a word and now he was confused about my intentions and scared I'd leave him again. He'd been bold with his brothers but I think he needed something different from me.

I got on my knees and faced him. I was taller like this—able to look down at him. He was on his back, watching me, waiting. I slipped my hand under the blanket and spayed my fingers across his stomach. My touch was soft. I could feel his heart thundering through his stomach. God, he was so nervous. I gently brushed my fingers across his skin, from his navel to his boxers, along the band, up the sides, and around.

"I was nervous today," I told him, my voice low and soft. "This entire situation has me confused. I have this unbridled confidence because at one point I knew you couldn't deny me. It made me feel like I had some control in this situation. I thought I could come here and you'd take me back without questions. But I also felt guilty for leaving you the way I did. Then I felt guilty for coming back—thinking I could get what I wanted without repercussions. Then I felt an indescribable gut punch when I realized how much you were hurting. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what you needed—wanted. Space? For me to suffocate you with affection? To be a friend? I still don't know. I'm still scared. Because I want you, but I don't want to mess this up. I want to do right by you, to do what is best for you. To treat you like you deserve. I want you to feel and to know exactly what you mean to me."

Penn opened his legs when I moved my hand down his thigh. I hadn't forgotten how great his legs were, thick and strong. He twitched when I brushed his inner thigh, always a little ticklish. I smiled and continued to his knee, where I circled around before moving back up his body. Feeling him under my fingers was driving me crazy. I wanted all of him and I wanted it right that second. But I wanted to be respectful.

I wasn't lying when I told him I was confused. Conflicted.

I wanted to ask him what he wanted but I knew he needed me to be bold. If I did anything he wasn't ready for, he'd tell me. I had to trust that.

I hooked my fingers under the waistband of his boxers and paused. When Penn lifted his hips, I pulled them off his body. I kept one hand on his stomach because I wasn't ready to stop touching him and used the others to push my own clothes to the ground. I could still feel Penn's heart pumping like crazy but it was nothing compared to mine. I had so much to lose and so much to gain.

I also had Penn completely naked.

He grabbed the blanket and lifted it. I crawled in and settled between his legs. Feeling his body against mine for the first time in what felt like forever was enough to make me die a happy man. I sat up on my knees with his legs over my thighs. And, wow, what a view. I ran my hands down his thighs and squeezed his hips, grinding myself to him. Then he arched his back and moaned and I was gone. I fell forward, bringing his hips forward as I went and buried my face in his neck.

We stayed, tangled up in the bed. Touching and smelling and familiarizing ourselves—acclimating after so long apart. But nothing prepared me for the kiss.

It's stupid when people say a kiss tasted like home. It's so cliché it hurts. I wanted to cringe every time I heard it. Yet, that's exactly what kissing Penn tasted like. Home, future, safety, forgiveness.

And so fucking sexy I couldn't stop myself from rubbing on him.

"You're going to make me cum so fast," I told him as we became frantic.

"Do you have lube? Condom?" He asked.

I shook my head. "No, because I was being respectful. I didn't want to assume anything."

Penn growled and pulled my hips tight against him. "I wish you'd stop assuming. And stop being so fucking respectful." I looked down at where my cock was pressed against his ass. He couldn't possibly mean— "As much as I want you to fuck me right now, there's other ways to take what you want."

Penn pushed me off him then pulled me up until I was standing. He then slid down my body until he was on his knees. He looked up at me with those dark brown eyes, daring me to defy him. I pushed my hips forward until the tip of my leaking cock breached his lips. He was the most tempting thing I ever had. Even when we were in Thailand, he never got on his knees like this. The blowjobs were as G rated as blowjobs could get.

He held my hips and encouraged me to fuck him. I didn't go crazy, I wasn't into that, but I held his hair and watched as I slid in and out of his mouth. A couple times I went deep, deep enough I know he felt it. Just watching him take me the way he did was enough to end me embarrassingly fast. When I came, he took everything I had to give.

I barely had time to open my eyes before he pulled me on top of him on the bed, pushing me down until my face was where he wanted it. I swallowed him down and sucked him fervently until his back was arched so high, I thought he might break. A little drool made its way down his crack. I didn't even get a chance to penetrate him before he came, shouting, in my mouth.

I was already hard again. My ability to go multiple rounds was something Lee hated. Penn simply smiled and pulled me up until I was settled between his legs again.

We made out, slower and less frantic this time. For a while anyway, until we were both worked up. We spilled between us and it was the most content I'd been in over a year. After we cleaned up, we laid back in bed, still tangled together. Neither of us wanted space, we'd had enough of that. Penn felt relaxed, more relaxed then he ever felt, even when we were in Thailand, even when things had been the best between us.

"We're going to the corner store tomorrow," he said as we laid there letting our hands wander.

"Is that right?"

"Yes."

I smiled. Okay then. I had no reservations. Whatever Penn wanted, I'd give freely. A few minutes later I could tell he was almost asleep.

"Did you just fart?—"

"What? No."

"No, wait, I wasn't done." I laughed. "Did you just fart? Because you just blew me away."

Penn groaned.

"You know what would look good on you?" I asked. "Me. Do you have a map? 'Cause I'm lost in your eyes."

"What are you doing?" he asked, laughing.

"Jason's not the only one who can be fun," I said. "If you were a transformer, you'd be OptimusFine."

"Nash..."

"If you were words on a page, you'd be fine print."

"Are you really doing this right now?" he asked, though he was smiling.

"Did you just come out of the oven? Because you're hot."

Penn covered my mouth with his hand. "I like your shirt fabric, it must be made of boyfriend material," he said, then kept going. "Life without you is like a broken pencil...pointless."

I opened my mouth but I had no words, I knew what he was saying. Jason was fun. But I was more. I breathed in, savoring Penn and all he was.

"I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be one of them?" I asked.

"Absolutely."