Tied Up in Knotts Ch. 18

Holy smokes his room was huge. It was only marginally smaller than the bunk room I was sharing with a dozen guys. I felt slightly less guilty as I took the room in. Penn stood at the end of his bed and looked around the room, at the floor, where he was trying to find the best place for me to sleep.

"I think there's an extra mattress in the garage."

"Oh no," I said, feeling stupid for standing there like an idiot instead of doing something productive like not making things more awkward then they were. "Mine's in the hall."

Penn grabbed the mattress that was leaning against the wall in the hall while I scooped up the bedding that had fallen on the floor. He paused by the bed, looked around, then walked to the other side of the room and set the mattress under the window.

"It's kind of like a cove over here and I know storms make you sleep," he reasoned.

We set my bed up at the absolute furthest point from Penn's bed—both physically and emotionally. That was fine. I was fine with that. I got it. Point taken.

"Well—" Penn and I stood there, neither of us knowing what to say. He looked at me for a long moment then looked away. "Goodnight."

I watched as he went to his bed. I wanted to talk about what had happened but I was already overstepping by coming to his room. I turned away because watching him as I undressed down to my underwear didn't seem like the best idea. That didn't stop me from watching his shadowed figure once I was in bed. Despite the tension between us, I felt like a weight had been lifted. Just being in the same room, even if I was in the timeout corner, was curative. I couldn't even convince myself it was a bad idea because somehow, I knew it wasn't.

I was far from sleep, too much on my mind, when I heard Penn say something. "What?" I asked.

"I said, thank you," he half shouted. I knew he did it to make me laugh and it totally worked.

"Of course, it's my pleasure. Anytime you need someone to sleep on the floor of your room, I'm your man," I responded. Penn said something but, again, I couldn't hear and had to ask him to repeat himself.

"Not for sleeping in here," he said loudly, and I could tell he was smiling. "For tonight."

"I know," I laughed. "And I only said what needed to be said—seriously?" I yelled when I heard Penn say something under his breath. "Now you're doing it on purpose."

"I've never seen my family so stunned. I don't think anyone ever put them in their place like that. You came close a while back, but, tonight—tonight was—"

"Tonight needed to be said," I finished. "I don't know if they thought it was funny or what they hoped to achieve, but it was wrong."

Penn said something, I could hear him but I couldn't fully understand what he was saying. I got up and dragged my mattress until it was next to his bed. "If we're going to talk, I can't be over there in the back forty next to the window that's being beat to an inch of its life."

Penn smiled and propped himself up on one arm. I sat, crisscross with my shoulder against his bed, facing him. His bed was high enough that I could easily rest my head against the top of the mattress as we talked. But now that I was right there, it seemed neither of us had anything to say.

"Were they always like this and I just didn't see it?" I finally asked.

"They've always been like this, yes."

"And I didn't see it?"

Penn stared at me then shrugged. "It's not that big of a deal. I'm the little brother. I get picked on."

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me," I quoted the good book. "You don't have to excuse them. I think the way you always silently support your family by going along with whatever they do is honorable. I think there's value in having that role. But it loses value when you don't honor yourself. And Penn, you're not honoring yourself."

Penn watched but didn't respond, so I continued. "In your family Ryan is the Alpha, Logan's the Beta, and you're the Omega. And honestly, I don't know if I got that right, I don't follow the hierarchy of ware-culture all that closely, but you get my point. I think it's interesting that your nieces and nephews picked the swim-shorts they did, calling you the Alpha of your own pack. It's fitting and I think it's a call to order."

"You know how stupid you sound right now," Penn said, trying not to laugh.

"Probably real stupid," I laughed. "But I'm not wrong."

Penn didn't argue, instead he adjusted himself until his head lay on the edge of the mattress. When he finished getting comfortable, he watched me. I rested my head on the mattress and watched him. It wasn't a terrible view. At this distance I could see his face even in the darkened room. I could even see emotion in those dark eyes. He was nervous, like me. But he was also relieved, like me.

"I'm kind of dreading tomorrow," I said.

"Why?"

"It's going to be so awkward facing your family after tonight."

Penn sighed. "Yeah, me too."

"How do you think they'll react?"

"Ryan and Lo will wake up early so they can make breakfast before we get up. They'll look like wounded puppies and they'll be really nice. They won't apologize right away, maybe not even while we're here."

"Maybe not ever?" I asked.

"They'll apologize in their own way."

"Do you think that's part of the problem?" I asked. "Have they ever been held accountable for the things they've said and done. Not just to you, but to anyone?"

"No."

"Do you think breakfast and a couple puppy dog eyes will benefit anyone in the long run?"

"I get what you're saying, I really do, but you have to understand that this isn't the way we've ever dealt with things. You're not the only ones who are dreading tomorrow. As much as they want to wake up and pretend like tonight never happened, so do I. I don't know what you expect me to do."

I sat up and looked at him. "I don't expect anything from you. If you want to wake up and go eat their breakfast and guilt and immaturity, I'll be at that table eating that burnt offering right beside you. But I think you can do better. I think you deserve better. But I'll do whatever you want, no questions asked."

Penn looked at me, disbelieving.

"Okay," I admitted. "I'd probably have something to say. But I'd still support you."

"What would I even say?" he asked. "How would I bring it up."

"You could tell them in advance that you want to talk, get them good and freaked out, or you could corner them, whatever works for you. Then tell them why what they did wasn't kosher. Tell them how it's made you feel. If this isn't an isolated incident, which I don't think it is, give a few other examples. The whole conversation doesn't have to be about what they did wrong. You can use it to let them know how you're feeling because, honestly, I don't think they know."

"That's a lot."

"Then start with a little conversation."

"And do this more than once?" he scoffed. "Yeah right."

"Hey," I said firmly. "You know what?"

"What..."

"It's time to be the Alpha."

"Stop," he laughed. "I can't take you seriously when you say that."

I smiled. "But I'm not wrong."

"Of course," he said with a twang of sarcasm. "Nash Cushman is never wrong."

"Oh, I've been wrong."

"Yeah? Name one time."

"Okay," I readied myself. "I was wrong when I lied to you today."

"What?" he asked. "When?"

"The kids weren't dead asleep tonight. I didn't come here to catch up on zzz's. Well, I'll definitely catch up on some sleep but that's not why I came."

"Why'd you come then?"

"I don't know," I said truthfully. "To see how you were doing."

"Why didn't you say that?"

"Ehh," I shrugged. "I know I'm not your favorite person."

"Well," he grinned. "You're not my least favorite either."

I squared my shoulders. "And I'll be riding this high for the rest of vacation."

We both laughed and ended up talking for another hour. It wasn't until we were both yawning that I called it a night. I didn't move my bed back to the other side of the room, so when Penn leaned over the mattress, I had no issues hearing what he said.

"I'm not ready to face them tomorrow."

"Me too."

"So what?" he asked. "Just stay in the bedroom all day?"

"No, I have a better idea."

****

The lava tour started at 4am which meant I had to wake up seconds after falling asleep. Penn groaned and turned away from me when I tried to wake him and twice, he tried to hit me.

While Penn got dressed, I snuck into the kitchen and got the van keys. It was a twenty-minute drive and Penn yawned the whole way. He was really struggling to stay awake.

"Staying in the bedroom doesn't seem like such a terrible idea anymore," he said, yawning before he could finish. He looked so cute frowning in the passenger seat with his dark sleepy eyes and snuggly hoodie. All he was missing was his signature hat, which was on the floor by his feet, but I much preferred the bedhead. "If I wanted to spend the day outside in the rain, I would've stayed home," he continued.

"You think your family will let you stay in your room all day?" I asked. "But by all means, if you want to have the conversation now, I'll turn around." I smiled to myself when he sulked in his seat and stared out the window.

We stopped and got coffee to help get us through the day then went to see what active lava looked like. I was shocked to learn he'd never been there before in all his annual Hawaii vacations.

Neither of us were prepared. It was amazing. Penn went from grouchy, hibernating bear to a kid on Christmas in no time. The tour went on for miles. It included lava fields that glowed red hot and a lava river that was slightly terrifying because Penn pretended to push me in before pulling me back to safety. I did not find that funny at all. He did.

Because of the rain, the boat tour had a few cancellations, so we signed up for that. We got to see what looked like a lava waterfall and a lava geyser. Every new encounter seemed better than the last. It was difficult to surrender to the sheer power of what we were witnessing. We'd been staying twenty minutes away the entire week and it never occurred to us that there was active lava right under our feet. It was insanely energizing to know that the fire that was right below the surface at the house was breaking the surface a few miles down the road.

We left the tour on one hell of a high and went straight for food. We found a small, local place with covered outdoor seating. They didn't seem bothered that we were disheveled and water logged. The nice thing about Hawaii, that differed from Oregon, was that even though it was raining, it was warm.

"I have to admit," Penn said as we ate our food. "That was an okay reason to wake up early."

"Yeah, it was just alright," I teased.

"There are better reasons to wake up early, but I'd do this again."

I looked at Penn in shock. "Did you just make a sex joke?"

"A joke would imply I wasn't being serious," he smirked. Penn couldn't even look at me so I moved to the side until he was forced to look me in my eyes. "What?" he said, trying not to laugh.

"How dare you."

"I didn't do anything."

"I didn't do anything," I mocked. "Is Jason to blame for this kind of corruption?"

"It's probably your fault. I was innocent until you came along."

"Ohhh," I said, leaning back in my chair, taking it all in. "This is how it's going to be?"

"I'm just calling it like I see it."

We kept meeting each other's eyes as we ate in silence. Always with a look of some sort; suggestive, teasing, judging—whatever it took to keep the joke going.

We still had the majority of the day to waste so after brunch we stopped at one of those stands that had brochures for all the different touristy activities the island had to offer. I tried to talk Penn into a hand tapped tattoo but for some reason he was against it.

The rest of the day was nonstop. We found this awesome canopy tour that had a zipline and ended in an innertube canal ride. Then we went on a snorkeling expedition. I think it was geared towards kids but we didn't have time for the big one. It was fun nonetheless. We were so tired of being wet by that point that we stopped at a Walmart and got the best duds money could buy. We got matching outfits only because we shopped the clearance section and there wasn't much to choose from. I had to admit, the Hawaiian print joggers and lime green hoodie with the hang loose hang on the front was pretty snazzy considering we paid thirteen dollars each.

We looked like a pair of Marys' as we shopped the local farmers' market. I found the perfect item for later. It took some effort to purchase it without Penn seeing. He tried his hardest to find out what it was, but I was sneaky. I guess that bad posture finally paid off.

We hit a pineapple museum so Penn could brush up on his facts and then found a restaurant for dinner. We got a lot of looks from the locals, probably because of our clothes, but we were having too much fun to care—and a bit delirious from lack of sleep.

It really started pouring as we finished dinner. The van was parked on the far side of the parking lot so we took off running. We were both out of breath by the time we were safe inside. I looked at the roof then at Penn. We both laughed.

"Holy shit," he said, smiling and glancing above. The rain was coming down so hard I wondered if the roof was about the collapse. "Are we in the middle of a hurricane?"

"Not technically but damn it feels like it."

"It's not that different then a good Oregon storm, if you think about it."

I nodded. He wasn't wrong. Oregon had some crazy storms, storms so bad if they were in Florida, they'd make the news, while in Oregon, it was just another Wednesday in January.

We sat in our seats; me in the driver's seat and Penn on the passenger side with his feet on the dash. We had planned to keep going, to find things to do until it was late enough to sneak back without being seen. But now that we had full bellies, motivation had plummeted. The van was running so it wouldn't fog up while we listened to the rain and watched as people ran to and from the restaurant.

Penn rolled his head and looked at me. "How'd things end between you and Lee?"

"In divorce."

Penn laughed easily and shook his head at me. I smiled. "Do you still talk?" He clarified. "Were you able to reach a mutual settlement? A friendship? Or have you decided to be mortal enemies? Who will not rest until the other has been truly defeated?"

"Mortal enemies? That's aggressive," I laughed. "We were not able to salvage a friendship but I don't wish him ill and I have no intentions of spending the rest of my life plotting his demise. I can't say the same for him. I reached a point where I just wanted to be done. He genuinely thought I walked away with everything when I didn't even take half. I haven't seen or talked to him since I moved to Portland. I think that was the last straw for him, me moving. He was angry, felt like I owed him permission or something."

Penn looked out the window and I cringed. If I owed anyone a conversation before moving it would've been Penn and I think we both knew it. But I don't think there was much left to say on the subject.

"Any luck on the job front?" he asked after an awkward minute of silence. "Yevo?"

"It's discouraging," I said. "I thought I'd be back on staff by now but it must not be my timing. It seems like a few things started to manifest but, in the end, nothing took."

"You like Costco?"

"Honestly, yeah," I admitted. "I don't know that I want to work there forever but they have good benefits and I'm making double what I was before—not that I was making much before." We both laughed.

"So, you're bringing home walnuts instead of peanuts?"

"Pretty much," I laughed. "Walnuts," I looked at Penn, "that's funny." He seemed proud of himself, for the joke or for how things were going between us, I wasn't sure. I didn't care.

The rain came and went but we stayed in the van as the sky darkened. The silence was mostly okay if a little tense at times. We had come a long way and made a lot of progress but we weren't back to where we used to be.

"Tell me about Jason," I asked after a long bout of nothing. I was curious and that curiosity had finally hit the roof. I had so little info on him, them. His name rarely came up and when it did, I wasn't sure if they were together or not. I wasn't going to push Penn too far but I definitely wanted to corral him in the direction of a possible future if he wasn't totally opposed.

But I'd do no such things if he was in a serious relationship.

"You want to know about Jason?"

"I'm curious," I admitted. Penn studied me for a really long time. So long in fact I didn't think he wanted to say anything at all. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

Penn exhaled. "I just don't know what you want to know. You know we met in California on a job. His family is from Eugene. He travels a lot for work. He's funny, kind, and laid back."

"And you guys are—" insert awkward hand gesture since I couldn't come out and ask what I wanted to ask.

"Having sex? Yes," Penn offered. I stilled. It wasn't what I was getting at. I was asking if they were dating. But there you have it, friends.

"Sex, sex?" I asked like a moron.

"What other kind is there?" he frowned. "Non sex, sex?"

I fingered my hair. "You and I had sex, but not sex."

"Then Jason and I are having sex, sex."

"Oh," I said, trying to keep my face neutral. Good for him. Cool. Right on. High-five. Fist bump. Raise the roof or whatever else people did to celebrate this kind of thing. "Must be serious between you two."

"When we first hooked up it wasn't because it was serious between us. It was because I was in my forties and really needed to pull the plug on certain things in my life."

"Sex."

"Pretty much." Penn looked out the window and continued. "When things were going well between us, I had no problem waiting a little longer because you and I were the best possible outcome I could imagine—at the time. I felt like I was proving a point, that it's worth waiting for the right guy. But then it didn't work out. I wondered who the right guy was and when would he show up? Being a forty-year-old virgin isn't all it's cracked up to be. Jason was a means to and end for me. I figured that when our jobs were done, we'd never see each other again. That didn't end up being the case."

I picked at the steering wheel as I listened to him talk. It didn't feel good hearing any of that. It was the same feeling I had when I found out he only ran because of me. He was basically saying I ruined everything. The worst part was, he wasn't saying it to be mean. It's just how it was for him.

Nash, the ruiner of dreams.

I wanted to apologize but it seemed like the wrong time. He was sharing about his time with Jason. Plus, I had apologized, genuinely. I was so very sorry. I desperately wanted to move forward with Penn. It was looking more like a friendzone situation but I wasn't complaining. I'd take what I could get. But apologizing every time I felt guilty was not going to propel us anywhere.

"Can I ask you something personal?" That I didn't really want to know the answer to but I wanted to work on our friendship.

"I thought that's what we were doing?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, but you don't have to answer this. After last night, I'm not sure if it's appropriate."

"Well, now you have to ask."

"How would you have answered Ryan's question?" I asked, fisting my hands anxiously in my lap.

"You want to know who's a better lay? You or Jason?"

"Sure," I said. "I'm curious what your answer is. I thought we were—very compatible. I had only ever been with Lee before. Now you've been with Jason, so, yeah, I'm curious."