Tied Up in Knotts Ch. 20

I unloaded the groceries to Penn's kitchen and put everything away. I wasn't sure when Penn was going to be home so I decided to make some coffee and sit on the porch. It was a bit chilly but nothing my jacket and the view couldn't fix. I was feeling gloomy and I hated it. I hadn't felt like that in a while.

Penn was gone most of the afternoon. The longer he was gone the worse my mood became. I wasn't mad at him or anything, I was just feeling lonely. Seeing Lee had picked at an old wound. I'd been outside for hours when he got home. I could hear him moving around the house, calling for me.

"I'm out here," I yelled. A moment later the door opened and Penn stuck his head through.

"What are you doing out here?" He asked. "What's wrong? I told you I would've canceled on Jason."

"No, no," I waved off. "I ran into Lee today."

"Oh," he said, staring at me from the other side of the door. "Let me shower, okay? Meet me upstairs?"

I nodded then changed my clothes to something warm and comfortable before landing on the sofa in the media room where I found a JAG marathon playing. Penn joined a few minutes later. He came in silently and sat on the sofa with my head on his lap. Then he ran his fingers through my hair, twirling a clump in his fingers. We hadn't sat like this since—

"So, you ran into Lee today?"

"Yeah. He wanted to have lunch."

"Yeah?"

"He said he wanted to make amends."

"Did you tell him to fuck off?" Penn smirked. I smiled at him and the familiarity of what we were doing and a little of the dark edge I was feeling began to dissipate.

"Pretty much. I told him that I didn't want to have lunch because there wasn't a good history of that working out. He said he just wanted to be friends and I said no."

"Good."

"I don't know what he expected," I continued. "He cheated on me in the worst way and then tried to make me feel like shit afterward. You can't convince me that he had any respect for me back then and I'd be hard-pressed believing it's changed."

"Why do you think he wanted to have lunch then?"

"I don't know. Probably needed some affirmation that I don't hate him so he can move on. He probably wants to tell people how good things are between us, that the divorce was amicable and we're still friends. I always knew he cared about what people thought but I didn't realize how bad it was. I was so blind."

Penn continued to finger my hair. "Was there any part of you that wanted to have lunch with him? To sit and talk like grown adults?"

"Yeah," I said, finally. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little curious. I want to know what he has to say. I want to know a lot of things. I just don't want to hear it from him."

"Like what?" he asked.

"Normal things. I want to know when/where/why/how. I want to know how things went for him after. I want to hear that he's sorry and he fucked up and lost everything. I want to know it all. But, also, I don't."

We laid in silence as Penn messed with my hair, making my eyes heavy.

"You know, Shayla is really good friends with Abby's sister, Courtney."

I furrowed my brows and looked at Penn. "And?"

"Paul tried to work on things with Shayla. She had questions, lots of questions, and he supposedly answered them."

"Get to the point."

Penn stared at me like I was being ridiculous. "Shayla told Courtney everything. Courtney told Abby—"

"And Abby told you?"

"She told all of us. Sometimes I was there, other times I was told after the fact by well-meaning brothers. I can tell you what I know," he offered. "I can't say the information is one hundred percent accurate and, it's not from Lee's perspective, but it's something."

"Do I want to know?" I asked.

Penn shrugged. "I don't know. Do you?"

I turned over until my face was buried in his lap. I think I wanted to hear what he had to say but I didn't want to look at him or anyone for that matter. "Okay, tell me."

"Are you hiding?" he laughed.

I leaned up so I could see him. "You're about to tell me things about my ex-husband that are going to make me feel shitty. I want a little privacy."

"Okay, sounds fair." When I nuzzled back into his lap, Penn rubbed the back of my head. "Paul said it started slowly. He'd been bi-curious for a while. Paul and Lee worked at different firms but attended a lot of functions together and got along pretty good since they were both heavily involved in the same circles and organizations—"

"Yevo."

"Well, yeah. They also occasionally did trainings together. It was at a training where things kind of took off. They were at the hotel bar one night and had kind of been flirting, I guess. I don't have the details but it was the first time something happened. Paul freaked out afterward and they didn't talk for a while. Clearly, that didn't last long. Paul said they mostly hooked up when you were gone. He claims it was purely sexual but Shayla said they went on at least two vacations together that were disguised as work events. She's pretty sure it was more of an emotional affair than he let on. I know that Paul and Shayla tried for a year before she saw Paul coming out of Lee's house one night. He claimed it was nothing but that was the last straw for her. She thinks they never stopped hooking up, that they were still messing around while he was making you go to therapy and while he and Shayla were in therapy. But that's speculation.

Shayla finally left for good and filed for divorce. I guess Paul got super pissed and blamed Lee. There was a huge fight in the street between the two. Word was Paul was mad that Shayla left him and wanted Lee to suffer so he was going to air Lee's laundry. From what I heard, that was the end of those two. Me and Logan were at lunch a while back and both Lee and Paul were there, separate parties of course. Logan and I were the only ones that knew what had happened between them so we could feel the tension while everyone else was oblivious. They never did acknowledge each other. I also heard that Lee started dating Brett Turner six months ago but Brett dumped him after a month."

"Why?"

"Probably because Lee's a douche."

"I wonder if that's why Lee wanted to talk, so he could clear the air and tell his boyfriends that he's a good guy and is besties with his ex. You know? No hard feelings so his actions must not have been so bad."

"It's possible," Penn agreed.

"What did Paul have that I didn't?"

My face was turned by two strong hands until I was looking straight into Penn's stormy brown eyes. "Nothing," he said firmly. After silently promising I wasn't going down that road, Penn let go of my face. "Now, tell me how you feel after hearing all that."

"I don't know what I expected but I don't feel any different. Even as you said it, it was like I'd already heard it before. None of it is shocking. I guess some details are to be assumed."

"Did it make you feel better to know that Lee got dumped?"

"I don't care enough one way or another."

He smiled. "Sorry to disappoint but that's all I got."

"Why didn't you tell me before? That you knew all that?"

"Because we weren't talking, then we were, but the information was irrelevant at that point. And for the record," he said. "I never asked. They just assumed I wanted to know."

"I figured," I said. "Thank you. I actually feel better," I sat up and kissed him. "Now, how was your day with Jason."

"You weren't wrong."

"About?"

"He had more feelings than he let on."

"What did you say?"

"That I was sorry but it was always you," he said. "Honestly, I don't think he actually had strong feelings for me."

"Why not? You're a hell of a catch."

"Eh. I think Jason is easy going and fun but I think he also liked having me on the hook. I think his ego was hurt and he's reacting poorly."

"I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit."

"Doesn't matter."

"I guess it doesn't," I conceded. "You know, I thought a lot about things while you were with Jason today."

"Like what?"

"Have you thought more about moving? You haven't mentioned it since Hawaii."

"Why do you ask?"

I rolled my eyes. "Gee, I don't know. Maybe I'd like to know if you're planning on moving to California or the east coast or wherever."

"I'm waiting to see where you land."

"But what do you want to do?"

"I want to wait and see where you land."

I let out a frustrated sigh. "Penn, it's not only about me and where I land. What about you? Are you still wanting to move away?"

"I'm being serious. I want to see what you do. I don't want to move to California if you're here. I'm fine staying in Lincoln. I'm also fine in Portland. I can be wherever."

"As sweet as that answer is, I don't like it. What would you do if you didn't have to consider where I land? What if I had nothing going for me and was free to do whatever," I asked. "What would you want to do then?"

Penn shrugged. "I don't know. I don't think I'd want to move to California."

"Where then?"

"Maybe Spokane? I've thought about Arizona or North Carolina."

"Okay," I thought about it. That didn't sound so bad. "How's business been? Busy?" I asked.

"Yeah, it's been good. Been staying real busy."

"Are you looking to hire more help?"

Penn eyed me suspiciously. "Why?"

I rubbed my neck. "I don't think I'm going to take the developer job with Yevo."

Penn's eyes went wide and I thought he was going to choke. "What? Why not? That's what you've been waiting for."

"It has been," I agreed. "But the more we talk about the job, the more hesitant I get. The area I would cover is a lot bigger than originally discussed and that makes me nervous. I'd be covering Oregon, Washington, California, Montana, and Utah. That's huge. I'd be on the road a lot. That would've been fine five years ago but I can't even go seven days without you—and I don't want to go seven days without you. So much has changed for me and I don't want to hold on to things from the past. Yevo is the past. I did that when I was with Lee. I did a lot of things with—or without Lee—depending on how you look at it. I want things to be different with you."

Penn looked terrified and I knew he was afraid he might be misunderstanding what I was getting at. "What are you saying?"

"Remember when we bought that box of condoms? We could've bought a smaller pack at the drugstore but I wanted the forty-eight pack because I was planning long term. Well, I'm still talking long term, only instead of condoms, I'm talking about living arrangements. I want to live where you're at. I'm not saying we need to move in together, yet, but I'd like to be less than two hours away. I was thinking if that job offer was still open—"

"The one I gave you eighteen months ago?"

"That's the one!" I laughed. "I'd take it now."

"You said you'd never pump toilets."

"First, I never said I'd never do it. I said I didn't want to do it," I corrected. "Second, you told me the job was more of an administrative role. Bids, billing, stuff like that."

"It was—eighteen months ago," he smiled. "Things have changed."

My stomach picked that moment to rumble. I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and waiting was no longer an option. We got up and went to the kitchen where we made steak salad and ate together. Penn was all smiley and bright and touchy as we ate. And so was I. I'd had a momentary mental hiccup because of Jason and Lee but Penn was bigger than that.

"Well," I thought really hard, I even rubbed my chin and tapped my cheek for effect. "I could always stay with Costco and just transfer to a new city."

"What?" he asked, confused by my sudden change of topic.

"You said the original offer expired. I was thinking I could transfer my current job."

"Or you could work with me."

"I'd work for you," I corrected.

"With me," he said. "Condom box sizes might be your long game but it's not mine."

"Condoms are my long game?" I asked, laughing at the wording but also kind of loving it.

"That's why you insisted on a box of forty-eight," he preened. "Even though we're down to two and it's only been just over eight weeks."

"I need to rethink my long game."

I spent the whole dinner watching Penn. We talked about work, and travel, and a little about what Penn wanted his businesses to look like in the future. I couldn't stop staring at him. The way he kind of hunched over the table while he forked his salad, the way his shirt was a little tight, his skin was still tanned from the summer, and his hair had dried kind of funny after his shower. Then he'd look up and smile or laugh at something he said or something I said, and how his dark eyes had this kind of innocent, sheepish look that drove me insane. Between Penn's natural ability to get under my skin and the two glasses of wine, I was all sorts of buzzing by the time dinner was done.

"I thought about my long game," I said as we put the dirty dishes away. "I have a new plan."

Penn smiled as he cleaned his plate off. His cheeks were a little rosy from the wine and he looked so sexy. "What? Are you going to buy the whole pallet of condoms?"

I took the plate and rags out of his hands and set them off to the side then pinned Penn against the counter. "You'd like that wouldn't you?"

Penn swallowed and nodded his head.

"Do you want to live with me?" Penn nodded again. "Do you want me to work for you?" Penn was about to correct me but I beat him to it. "Work with you?" He nodded. "Are you my boyfriend?"

Penn's eyes widened a fraction. Fear, anxiety, excitement. We hadn't discussed it or made anything official, so this was new territory even though we'd been trespassing on the grounds for a while. Penn nodded. I walked my fingers under his shirt and around his waist until I was pressed against him.

"Are you seeing anyone else?" I slipped my hands down the back of his sweatpants and cupped his ass, letting my finger caress down the valley.

Penn shook his head. "No."

With my hands on his ass, I pulled him towards me. "Are you planning on seeing anyone besides me?" I asked as I walked backward, up the stairs towards the bedroom.

"No," he said, almost annoyed that I'd even ask him that. "It's just you."

"For how long?" I asked and there was a spark of panic in his eyes. Fear that if he said it out loud, that if he got too close to what he wanted, he'd be hung out to dry again. "For how long?" I asked again.

"Umm," he hesitated. I pulled him into the bedroom and pulled his shirt over his head then pushed his pants down. When he was naked, I took my clothes off and stood in front of him again with my hands on his waist.

"Here's my long game," I said. "We have two condoms left. I'm going to use one tonight and one tomorrow before I head home. Then we will be out of condoms. When I go to work on Saturday, I'm not going to buy more. Which means we won't have any the next time we're together."

I could feel Penn growing hard against my thigh and I could see his chest beating like crazy as I spoke.

"My schedule is going to free up after I talk to Wayne on Monday and turn down the job. You and I are going to find a rental somewhere near Portland until we can figure out where we're going to go. In the meantime, you're going to make a doctor's appointment, because the next time we sleep together, we're not using a condom. There's no one else for you but me, and there's no one for me but you. Understand?"

"Absolutely," he leaned down and kissed me. He slipped his tongue against mine and I couldn't help but get lost in him.

I pulled back. "Why are we doing this?" I asked. "These are serious plans. So tell me, why are we doing it?" Penn's eyes darted back and forth as he tried to piece everything together. "There's only one reason we'd take such big steps," I said.

It finally registered and he looked hesitant but hopeful. He narrowed his eyes.

"If you're not there—" I said, almost teasingly as I took a step back.

Penn grabbed my arms and pulled me flush against his chest. "Do you love me?" he asked.

I pushed Penn on the bed and crawled between his legs, hovering above him. "Do you love me back?" I asked.

Penn pulled me down, everything turned to chaos. We couldn't get enough of each other and we rolled around on the bed trying to get more than ever before. Without breaking the kiss, Penn reached over and found what he needed. I went down on him and got him as prepared as I could. We probably should've taken more time but we were in too much of a hurry to worry about semantics.

He rolled the condom on me while I lubed him up.

"There's only one condom left after this," I said as I pressed into him.

"I've already been tested," he said. "The week we got back from Hawaii."

"I was tested after Lee."

"You could take it off."

I pushed all the way in, making him grunt. "What about the sea turtles?" I asked, pulling out and pushing in again.

"What about sea turtles?"

Penn felt so good around me, I swear it was better than ever before. "Something about plastic in the ocean," I said, taking a breath to try and compose myself. "Not wanting to kill them. Being wasteful. Something like that."

His laugh filled the room. Penn lifted my chin until I was looking right at those wonderful eyes. "But I want to feel you in me."

"You will."

"But I want to feel you in me now," he begged. I lifted his leg over my shoulder and wondered what it would feel like. "Take it off. Cum inside me," he persisted.

I moved faster. The look on his face and the words on his tongue brought me over the edge. I came so hard I thought my eyes would burst. I could barely catch my breath but I kept moving, slower this time.

"You didn't cum in me," he frowned.

"I just told you what my long game was. You can't jump ahead."

Even while I continued to fuck him, Penn reached to the side of the bed and grabbed the last condom. "If you're going to keep going, you better re-suit."

I eyed him skeptically. Although we sometimes re-suited between rounds, this felt particularly fishy. I pulled out and Penn rolled the condom off me then flipped me on my back and took me in his mouth. He worked me over until I was pulling him off because I was so close to the edge again. He rolled the last condom on me then straddled my lap.

Penn rode me hard and put me away wet. I was barely coherent by the time he let me cum. I laid on my back and tried to get my brain to unscramble itself. I finally opened my eyes and tilted my head toward Penn. He was next to me with a hand on his chest and a dopey smile on his face. His hair was damp, his skin was flush, and his chest was heaving.

I rolled, half covering his chest, and kissed him. "Thank you."

Penn laughed, all lazy and stated like. "For what?"

"For everything. For being you; a friend, a listening ear, and a rock when I needed one. For being patient and forgiving."

"I'm just glad you finally came to your senses."

"Hey," I lamely swatted his shoulder because I didn't have the energy to pack a real punch. "I'm trying to be romantic here."

"Are you trying to tell me you love me? Because you still haven't actually said it."

"I do love you," I said.

"I know."

"I've been in love with you for a while."

"I kind of figured."

"Yeah?" I asked, laughing. "How'd you figure?"

"I'm awesome. You just needed time to come to terms with it."

I laughed, long and hard, then cupped his face. "You are awesome. And I'm happy to be on the receiving end of your awesome. And I hope you always share your awesomeness with me."

"I hope you always share your awesomeness with me, too."

"The world can't handle our awesome."

"They're going to have to learn."