To Have A Sweetheart - David Ch. 00

On my off weekend, I decided to have a stroll in my favourite park. Getting to the hill top I found Luke laying on the grass under a tree, having heard me approach, he smiled at me and invited me to join him. I sat down next to him as he laid there, glad to have an opportunity to be around him before he left.

He wasn't looking at the city as I always was, but the tree above him, noticing me look at him he said "I've never looked at a tree like this. The hundreds of leaves swaying back and forth, all moving chaotically, but harmonious at the same time. Birds jumping from branch to branch, it's quite mesmerising."

I smiled at his words and laid down next to him, trying to find the same peace as he did. "I'm glad you see that." I said, caressing his hand lightly with my finger, instantly fearing his reaction to my move and tried my best to act cool about my own actions. He didn't flinch or anything and just took my hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze and let it go.

What did that even mean? Is it a thank you, but no? Sorry you're not my type? I don't do men in public? I just want to look at my tree for now? Hundreds of thoughts ran through my head in light speed, confusing me further and further. I laid next to him in silence, a fearful thought flashing in my head after another seemingly forever.

"How's your back?" I asked, regretting it the second it left my lips. Like that would be a question to ease the tension in my head.

"Almost healed. Sorry you saw that." he said with a pang of unease in his face.

"Sorry for me or you?" I asked, surprised at my own courage.

"Both." he sighed heavily.

"It must be hard being alone with your pain." I told, turning on my side to face him and brushed his hand with my fingers again, watching his chest rise and fall, studying his face to get any hints on how he felt about me touching him or me in general.

"I'd rather not talk of it." he said, turning his head away slightly, but he didn't pull his hand away.

"Of course, I'm sorry." I muttered somewhat encouraged by his hand staying under my touch, but discouraged by our uneasy conversation.

"It's all right, you mean well."

I laid there embarrassed by my phrobing. Of course he didn't want to talk about it. Asking an, acquaintance, really, about the demons in their mind. I didn't even tell my closest friends about... things, things I'd only told John. Things he never asked about, even when I had a panic attack in front of him and I was glad he didn't. He trusted me to tell him when I wanted to and eventually I did.

I pulled my hand away, deciding that it hadn't been the best start to figuring out his possible interest in me. I had rather done more harm than good with my questioning, but then - he touched me.

He squeezed my shoulder in a friendly fashion and left his hand there. I went over the same rattle of questions and doubts in my head again, not getting to any better answers than the last time and honestly starting to feel frustrated with myself. It wasn't like it was high school anymore. I was a bartender, double bassist in an orchestra, even more - I was out and proud of it.

We didn't move, staying still until the sky started to darken, with his hand still on my shoulder. I couldn't handle my racing mind longer. I had to find out, I had to know if he had any interest in me or if I should stop fooling myself with him. I had to find out before he left again. I rose up to my side and leaned closer to him, trying to get any hints from his face or eyes.

My position over him could really only tell one story, right? He had to have realised what I was about to do.

I saw no resistance in him, his eyes studying my face as were mine his. I tried to go slow, to give him a chance to tell me off, but he didn't. I got to his lips and placed a kiss on them softly, asking permission to kiss him.

He didn't reply, his entire body still. I looked in his eyes, but I couldn't tell what was happening behind them. I kissed again, his trembling lips shyly meeting mine that time. Two more pecks, that's all I got before I was pushed off of him and slammed into the ground.

He was already up as I came out of my stunned state and he walked off without saying a word. I cursed myself. I should have just left it. Even if he liked men, what would he be doing with a twenty two year old kid anyway? But he had kissed me back, for just a moment, but he did kiss me back.

I found myself looking for him in all the places we'd been together for the next few days, but staying away from the hotel. Honestly I didn't even know if I wanted to find him or not. I mean what would I do? The reality is if I'd meet him, I would not have the courage to confront him, I wouldn't even dare to talk to him to be really honest with myself.

But he did stay on my mind. I wanted to know what happened behind those eyes of his, why had he kissed me back just to push me off the next moment? He wouldn't have had let me get that far if he didn't want it to happen on some level, wouldn't he have had?

I was working again Tuesday. He should have had left by then. He usually left early Monday morning. As I got to work the reception girl ran up to me, handing me an envelope saying the army man left it for me. Her expression didn't hint anything, like it would have been completely normal for a guest to leave the bartender a letter. I don't think she knew I was gay either, it wasn't that I was hiding, but I wasn't really throwing it out there as well.

The envelope had just "David" written on it. I battled with my curiosity, but decided to shove it in my locker and leave it for home. No good could come out of opening during the work day, no matter what's in there.

That day passed annoyingly slow, every minute seemed like an hour. Very little work. I played that day with Luke in the park over and over again in my head, why had he not stopped me? And damn, I wanted to tear open that envelope, but reasoned myself to be rational about it.

As the day was seriously the quietest night of my career I asked the manager to get off early, as my colleague could handle the bar with eyes closed on such a night anyway.

I sat down on the bench halfway to home, holding the envelope in my hands for minutes, afraid to open it, but too curious to handle walking all the way home without knowing what's in there.

His handwriting was beautiful and horrible at the same time. After gazing at the envelope forever, I opened it. One lone folded paper in it that looked like the hotel notepads letterhead. I took it out and unfolded the page. All it read was

"I'm sorry and I'm sorry that

I don't have anything better to

say than that I'm sorry.

-Luke S."

Good god.

Sorry for what? Not liking me, not coming back, not telling me off at a moment it would have still been polite? My head was overflowing with even more questions than it had the entire week. I stared at the note for ages, wanting to tear it in half from my frustration, but for reasons I don't understand, I kept it.

Weeks passed and I tried to keep my mind off of Luke and mind my own business. But I found myself staring at his letter every now and then. Kath and John drank at the bar for a few nights every week, but I didn't dare to ask them anything, especially considering my last conversation with Kath and I still really couldn't fully understand their relationship with Luke. Plus John had played a big enough role in my life.

One night they were there John caught me on a smoke break outside asking "David, what happened between you two?" as he leaned to the wall near me. It was almost the first time he talked to me personally after our relationship.

"Nothing." I said, my words not sounding too convincing.

"You've been down ever since. You know I still care for you and you can still talk to me, right?" he asked, looking me over with furrowed eyebrows.

"Yeah."

"You sure you're alright?" he asked as he combed his hand through my hair as he always used to do, triggering too many memories of feeling loved, but his conditional love wasn't what I wanted.

"I'm not your fucking boy toy anymore!" I snapped, pushing his hand away from me.

His eyes flew open in surprise, his jaw dropping from disbelief, "Whoa, okay..." he muttered and backed away slowly, his face still in shock. Shit, why'd I say that? He was never anything, but respectful and loving with me. Fuck.

"John! Sorry!" I called after him just as he turned away from me.

"You think I didn't love you too? Yes, I could never love you fully and so couldn't you, but you don't have to shut me out because of it! There's a thing called friendship you know." he said turning back to me, standing a few metres away from me, looking fairly hurt from my words. But what stunned me was that I'd never told him I fell for him.

"I'm sorry... It's just... I can't do this right now.." I muttered looking away from him.

"You don't really think you were just someone I fucked?"

"No, sorry, I just... I can't do this." I admitted and gave him just a brief glance before stepping back to the safety of the staff entrance, tears running down my face as soon as the door closed behind me. I was sick of being alone. Sick of being the second choice. Was someone to really love and hold me asked too much?

One day, months later, after my twenty third birthday, a week or so before he should be back, I took out the letter again as I had done too many times in the last half a year. Sorry for what?

Frustrated with my teenager like dramas, I wrote "For what? -David" under it. Folding it back up, I sealed it in a new envelope, writing his name on it. I gave it to the reception on a day a different girl was working, trying to not raise any flags.

Yeah, I really did handle that better than a teenager... Fuck.

Another Tuesday came by, a day Luke could return. Or maybe the next week? Or had he come back last week and stayed anywhere else?

The bar was empty as I started work. Checking the room charging system I saw that his tab had been opened. He was back. I paced back and forth, wondering if I shouldn't have left him the letter. Really it was all a matter I should have gotten over and put in the past.

My thoughts got disturbed by John walking in the bar, the very same duffel bag over his shoulder. He simply said "Rum" placing his card on the table, the look in his face telling that even just one word out of my mouth would be too much. Fuck, I said I was sorry, but knowing why he possibly was there, then I didn't provoke a conversation. He threw the drink back in one go and taking his card back he walked off towards the rooms.

He reappeared three hours later, pale from his face. He held two fingers up standing at the bar, leaning on the counter, his face down. I poured him a double shot, worried about his sickly look. He drowned it the second I finished pouring, holding two fingers up again. I sighed as I re-topped his glass, worrying about his well being even more. That one he drank slower, but still way too fast. And again he held two fingers up. What had happened between them that he's drinking like this?

"John, I really can't..." I protested, but he grabbed me from my shirt, pulling me to his face. His eyes were bloodshot, the look in his eyes piercing "David I swear... I wont drive, last one and I'm off." he half growled to me, his voice harsh and trembling, and let me go.

I reluctantly poured him his last drink. He placed his card with an envelope on the counter as he grabbed the drink, sitting down to drink this time. The envelope looked identical to the one I received six months ago. I felt my hands shake as I shoved it in my pocket.

John sat there drinking for a few moments before getting up, his drink half finished. "Don't go see him." he said with the same troubled tone, before picking up his bag and walking out.

I was hopelessly puzzled trying to figure out what was happening or happened. I felt an urgent need to tear open the letter right there and then. "For being scared." was all it read. Scared? Why or what was he scared about? And what's up with the fucking puzzles?!

The next day I laid awake in my bed for the second night in a row. He hadn't come down that day again, I even asked the gossipy reception girl if he'd been out before I left for home, excusing myself with missing my regular customer.

By her knowledge, he hadn't been out since he arrived. He had ordered room service for all his meals and a bottle of dark rum on the first night. But the interesting part was that he had asked for the hotels doctor the first night and that morning, no more information was on it. Was that why John had been so... troubled?

Was he hurt? Why else would one need a hotel doctor. Obviously not bad enough that he couldn't have flown back or had to be in a hospital. I tried to calm the rattle in my head, hoping that maybe he'll be down the next day and seriously needing some sleep, but my mind still raced on all the possibilities of what his letters meant.

I felt like a love sick puppy going to work, eager to see his owner home. I kept telling myself that we were nothing, not even a flirt, just two men with one weird moment when he got scared of telling me off at an appropriate moment. That's what he was scared of.

Evening time I saw Kathrine in the bar, she was alone, taking a seat at a two seater table, ordering a negroni. Luke came in soon after and my heart skipped a few beats too many at the sight of him. He glanced at me giving me a shy tiny smile with a nod, his face not giving me any hints of what's happening in his mind, but he looked healthy, I guess.

He joined Kathrine at her table, ordering a rum from their waitress.

Kathrine held his hands with both of hers as she talked to him leaning over the table. Luke kept nodding, occasionally saying one or two words. It even looked like a farewell, like she'd be explaining why things didn't work for her and he'd be nodding with understanding, but I couldn't make a single word out of their soft conversation.

But my interest peaked as she squatted down next to him and he turned his back to her. She lifted his shirt slightly, looking at his back, she shook her head with closed eyes. Was his back hurt again?

She talked again taking her seat back, this time it started to look like a conversation. They glanced at me from time to time as I tried not to seem spying on them. They chatted finishing their drinks, getting up they had a long hug. Kathrine clearly avoided touching his back and gave him a few pecks on his neck by the looks of it. With a warm smile, she stepped out of the hug and left him there.

He looked around the bar, as if to quickly clear his head and his eyes focused on me. He walked up to the bar, his eyes shyly on the ground, hands in his pockets and simply said "David." as he shyly glanced up. It looked like he hadn't shaved in a few days and I could not complain one bit about that. I just loved hairy guys. And damn, why did his warm low voice make me tingle like that?

"Luke." I said trying to sound as casual as I could, happy that I had a towel in my hand, sparing me of the impossible 'what to do with my hands' question I have every time I get nervous.

"Would you care to... uhm, share a morning coffee with me? Tomorrow perhaps?" he asked hesitantly.

Was he asking me out? Out out or friendly out? Well I wasn't going to ask. God, sometimes I really had some balls... "Uhm, sure, when and where?"

"I was hoping you'd help me out on that one." he smiled apologetically.

"Alright, uhm, there's a nice coffee shop, Grumpies, halfway to the park from here. The cute little corner shop on Nathans, I think we walked past it the other time." Really I had told him a lengthy story of that place, slightly worried that I'm boring him.

"I remember that one, dark green building, your friends place?"

"Yes, that one." I replied, somewhat surprised that he remembered.

"I guess you wake later than me."

I laughed as I hadn't woken up before noon since high school "True, but if we are considerate of that, then it wouldn't be a morning coffee for you anymore."

"Lunch it is. How about one o'clock?"

"Works for me, I'll have to be here at four."

"Well, I... I'll see you tomorrow." he said as if he'd be unsure how to wrap up our sweetly awkward conversation. Or was it just sweet for me? Well it wasn't sweet even for me if he wasn't asking me out out.

"Yeah see you." I said and he gave me a faint smile with a nod before sheepishly backing away from the bar and heading towards the rooms, giving me a few glances on the way.

I sighed heavily as soon as he was out of the bar. Why did he get to me like that? My irrational feelings for him weighed in on me and thought of another sleepless night ahead of me.

The next day I woke up restless around ten, cursing myself for having to live with my mind for three whole hours before the... meeting? I went through my entire wardrobe twice, finally deciding to go for a simple T-shirt and jeans, in the end it was just a simple coffee.

I checked myself in the mirror. My light brunette wavy hair completely ignored all laws of gravity even when cropped short. My eyes almost matched my hair, being brown, with hints of yellow shades, maybe hazelnutty, golden? An odd tone, I had always thought.

The shirt hung on me loose, I was quite tall and slender with just enough muscle to give me shape, but I'd have to be kidding to call myself anything close to even slightly built, honestly I still felt lanky even as I'd gotten some shape on myself in the past few years.

Slim straight jeans and nicer looking sneakers on my feet, I was as happy as I could get with my look that day and still had two hours to spare, I groaned at the realization and even Jemma, my cat, smirked at me.

I arrived at the Grumpies ten minutes early, but luckily Luke was already there before me, saving me from the agonising table selecting process. He smiled as I approached him, slightly raising as I sat down across from him. He already had the largest pot of tea possible on the table with one cup. He told me that he's really a tea person. A big one it seemed, that pot was at least one litre.

Nancy, the owner, jumped in on our awkward greeting, hugging me with her breasts in my face, something she'd done ever since the day I came out to her, declaring how happy she's to see me and then quickly removing herself as she noticed Luke, apologising for jumping in our conversation like that and quickly changing the topic to my coffee preferences. She wasn't shy to eye Luke up and down and mouth 'hot' to me the moment he wasn't looking. Taking my order and giving us the food menus she left us as abruptly as she joined as.

We ordered food and talked small talk, him about his deployment and I about my bartending and concerts, how I was slowly getting bored of my way too less demanding bar environment. He told me that Kathrine was opening a place with John in the near months. Huh, they must have some money, I thought. And that he's moving out of the hotel the next week, into a small studio in Kathrines building, in the next suburb from my apartment.

He had an interesting way of talking so respectfully, not cursing or talking down, just politely saying that he doesn't have good regards on the subject. Oh, what would it be like to be with a man like him? He was even more of a gentleman than John, well on the times when I did have him. Besides him all I ever had had were slightly abusive or meaningless relationships.

"What is it that you're scared of Luke?" I asked, realizing that I'm not able to play friends with him any longer. Either this is a flirt or I move on. Now. I couldn't tease myself with him. Not when he was the ultimate jackpot of a spectacular personality topped off with a body like that.