To Have a Sweetheart - David Ch. 01

"I just though..." he admitted with a small shrug.

"Nope, it's the best part of it, for both ends." I cooed adjusting my snuggle atop of him.

"Huh..."

"How about you stop talking before you make me randy again with that gorgeous voice of yours..." I half murmured half growled to him with just maybe a tab too smug smile that he didn't see.

He laughed a little and wrapped his arms around me, kissing my forehead, murmuring good night to me.

...

Next day we visited the southern coastline before heading to his mothers. The view from the promenade was spectacular, just endless sea in all directions.

Luke hugged me from behind, cuddling me as I had zoned out of this world and into the endlessness of the waters. I think we stayed like that for tens of minutes as he occasionally kissed my neck and kept me warm in the cool coastal wind.

I couldn't even remember the last time I'd seen sea with my own eyes. I wasn't much of a believer, but one had to take his hat off in front of the sea, the ocean, the endless greatness of water, the deadly and inspiring life force.

Out of sheer musical habit, all the songs inspired from water that I knew started to present them in my head, but none of them sounded right to the moment. I wished there was a song for the moment I was in, to replay and experience again and again.

Luke hadn't been joking, such a car really was needed to reach his mothers ranch. At times I was scared that even that monstrous truck wasn't cut out for it, but Luke constantly proved me wrong, saying he had experience with much worse terrains and much larger vehicles - and god did I want to see him handle those worse terrains. I mean his skill was enviable - says a guy who doesn't have a drivers licence.

His mother emerged from the house as soon as we got past the gate. She looked like a true lady, her slightly graying blonde hair braided loose and low, wearing sleek looking plain casual pants and a sweater. Her frame was even smaller than mine and honestly she did not look nearly old enough to have a thirty one year old child - not to mention how tiny she was compared to the size of Luke.

She held her hands to her mouth seeing us and cried "My child..." as soon as Luke opened the door and ran into his arms.

"Mother... Happy to see you as well." he said taken aback from her gesture with a little amusement in his tone.

"Let me look at you, I never know when is the last time I get to do that." she said teary eyed, caressing his face. I felt my heart flutter as I looked at the way she was holding him. She really loved him, like the real unconditional love loved him.

"I'm not going back." he said kissing her forehead, "I'm a civilian now.".

She burst out crying and clinged onto his body in a desperate manner.

"Are you disappointed?" he asked confused and tightened his arms around her.

"No my silly child!" she exclaimed of shock, giving his chest a gentle smack, "I always worried you'll come back to me in a coffin like your father. I worried every day you were away. All the days you were deployed I waited in horror for someone to drive up here and say you're not coming back, even just now I thought..." she told through her tears and I tried my best to give them privacy, walking a few metres away from them, pretending to look at the mountains. Jesus how horrible must have her husbands death been on her.

"You never even hinted..." Luke eventually responded, baffled by his mothers reaction.

"How could I? It was your passion. I couldn't take that away from you." she admitted in a way I could only describe as content and sorrowed at once.

"I'm sorry, I never realised." he said as she cried of relief in his arms.

As I pretended to ignore their intimate moment and suppress how it made my heart flutter and eyes well up, the mountains actually did look beautiful. The ranch was as secluded as the drive up here hinted, the closest neighbour being maybe five kilometres away. The house was a simple, but beautiful looking country house and there were two stables in my line of sight, horses and sheep were scattered in every direction my eye could reach.

"Oh, I'm sorry dear, sobbing like this when you have company." his mother eventually said with a voice as warm as Lukes and wiped her tears away with a little help from Luke.

"Oh yes, this is David Carter. He's... a good friend of mine." he said, gesturing me to join them.

"Good day Madam." I say holding out my hand, but she pulled me in for a hug. She was fairly shorter than I, making her able to hug me her forehead to my neck.

"Elisabeth Serene, Ellie to you." she introduced herself and let me go saying "Sorry for the tearworks."

She had Lukes eyes, or rather Luke had hers, and her face even kinder than his. Up close I noticed her elderliness much better, but she must have taken good care of herself to look as youthful to the naked eye.

"No-no, I'm glad Luke has people who love him. Never be sorry for loving." I replied smiling, but felt images of my parents creep up on in my mind - I could never introduce him to them, not even as a friend, hell I couldn't even say hello every once in a while.

"Aren't you a sweetheart. Oh, come in boys, I'll make us some tea." she offered kindly.

We walked to the house and I felt uneasy with my troubled mind, feeling I needed a minute or two to get a wrap on my emotions again, so I told "You go ahead, I haven't been out in the open for years, I'll just savour this for a bit."

They both smiled heading to the house. I had a little walk around the closer surroundings and watched them through the kitchen window as I got back to the house, they were happy, they even looked like a perfect postcard from where I was standing. I sat down on the front stairs and imagined what it would be like if my parents were different, if I'd still have a home to visit.

My aunt Lisa is a great person, not just for taking me in, she's the most amazing caring person I knew and more often than not she'd burden herself with more than her shoulders could carry - although she was way too stubborn at times.

I felt sadness creep up my soul. For years I let my parents make me believe that I wasn't normal, that I needed to be different, change myself to be a person who was accepted, 'to live a normal and sodomy free life'.

Lisa essentally janked me away from them as she realised the hate that had been directed against me and spent way too many nights convincing me that I was okay when I didn't feel anything like living and their words creeped up to me again and again.

I sat there looking into emptiness, fearing the worst if Lukes mother would see us through, as irrational as that fear wasn't in reality - it's not like mothers walked around and suspect gay men lurking around, seeking to turn their dear children into 'sin' at any possible moment.

After a while the door clicked and Luke sat down next to me. Gazing me up and down and caressing my lower back he asked "Are you alright?"

"Yes... no, sorry. Just some ghosts from the past came hunting me." I admitted with a thin forced smile and shrug.

"Ghosts?"

"I think homophobic is too soft of a word to describe the house I grew up in before moving in with my aunt." I muttered in angst, "Just seeing your mother and you like that..." I explained with my voice growing shaky.

He pulled me in a hug, laying my head on his chest and stroked my face. "I already don't like your folks." he said as a half joke, nuzzling my head with his nose.

"Thanks." I murmured and took comfort in his embrace, but said "Okay, let's go drink that worlds largest pot of tea." much sooner than I wanted the cuddle to end as I worried that his mother might see us, realising how I definitely hadn't been ready for such a visit, even as I was there as his friend.

Ellie poured us tea into small cups from an enormous tea pot. I saw what Luke meant when he said he got his tea drinking habit from his mother. They talked about the big and small, going over the politics, the road finally being fixed and her wish of starting to prepare to sell the ranch, often pulling me in to join the conversation.

There was a moment when she noticed that his ring was missing and smiled sweetly as she touched the vacant finger, Luke just shifted in his chair with a slight blush on his face. And just like that everything was silently said between them and the conversation carried on. If only she knew about us, the imaginary devil whispered in my ear.

Ellie was as reserved and humble as Luke. She spoke warm and caring, holding Lukes hands every now and then. She had requested us to stay the night as Luke had predicted. Looking at Luke, especially in his home environment, I really couldn't see how that man could have been in war, it seemed as odd as looking at his mother and saying that she was in war. They just seemed so peaceful, true to their name.

After the lengthy, but interesting conversation, Luke excused us to show me around the property he grew up on. He showed me around his childhood bedroom, only pointed to the bedroom he spent his married years in and took me out to give me a tour of the land they owned.

He insisted that we took horses, explaining that it's nearly impossible to see even half of it on foot. He saddled up one horse, telling that he really doesn't need a saddle. He helped me on my horse and quickly explained the basics of riding to me. He himself lifted himself on his horse with absolute ease, making me blush at my helplessness.

We rode through the fields, between the trees and sheep, through the rivers and streams.

He had been right, there was no way we could have covered that on foot. He told me his childhood adventure stories of each place and how he'd get lost on the property every now and then. We rode until the sky darkened and he guided us back to the stables, petting and grooming our horses before taking them back to their paddock.

He surprised by kissing me deep and sweet holding me tight to his chest, a content smile on his face as he stepped away leading us back to the house.

Ellie had been busy cooking, the entire house smelled of spices and vegetables. I couldn't help but admit that she was a beautiful woman. I wondered how she could have been single for such a long time. Or maybe she just hadn't disclosed her romances to Luke. She had covered the table with various dishes and it looked like she had cooked for six rather than three.

I filled my plate with a pile of various vegetables, happy that she recognised the need to eat greens. Luke laughed staring at my plate, saying I looked cute and his mother immediately scolded him for teasing me, making me join the laughter.

I had to note that Ellie still had a ring on her finger. It must have had been almost twenty years since Lukes father died. Hadn't she really moved on? Luke never mentioned her getting remarried or having any stepfathers. And I had to wonder if that was why Luke had such a hard time giving up his wedding band.

Mid meal Ellie shyly noted "I'm glad you're giving love another chance Luke." and gave him a reassuring smile. My heart skipped at least three beats hearing her words.

She MUST be talking about the missing ring and not us, definitely not us.

Luke blushed deep red and shifted uncomfortably in his chair as he set his cutlery down and twined his hands under his nose.

I froze still, my heart working double time and desperately tried figure out what was happening in Lukes mind as he looked down at the table with a reaction I couldn't translate.

"Ma', I..." he said not able to find any more words.

She took his hands in hers and looked at him sweet eyed "I see how happy you are with him. Did you really think I wouldn't be happy for you?" she asked lovingly, my ears not believing the words they heard.

"I'm... we're still seeing about it." he stammered, looking his mother back in the eye, giving her a content smile and batted away the sparse tears that threatened to pool his eyes.

"I hope it wasn't assuming too much to make just one bed for the two of you." she told him with a warm smile and let his hands go.

Luke shook his head with a blush on his face and rubbed his hand over my thigh, flashing me tiny smile.

I couldn't believe the situation that happened in front of my eyes. His mother knew and was happy? I felt nauseated and ecstatic at the same time, happy that I had finished most of my meal by that time.

Luke eased up soon after that, touching and caressing me occasionally. I couldn't have had said the same about me, it took me quite a while to process that situation. I just, wow. Shocked could have been the right word for me, my entire life I'd undervalued the meaning of shocked.

Luke helped her clear the table, both refusing to let me help and forced me to sit down in the living room. Luke gave me a nearly triple serve of whisky to drink, resting his hand on my shoulder, like he'd be saying he understands in silence.

I was grateful for the drink, drowning half of it immediately, sipping on the last end, merely to seem at ease. I truly welcomed the warmness of alcohol melting away my daze.

Luke guided us to the guest bedroom and went to grab our bags. I gazed out of the second story window. There were more stars in the sky than I'd ever seen. I didn't even react as Luke got back. "She really took us by surprise, didn't she." he said sitting on the bed.

"Yeah." was all I could say.

"Are you upset?" he asked concerned.

"No, I..., it's just... unexpected."

"David I have to tell you something." he said with such an uneasy voice that it instantly worried me what he had to say.

"Is it something I want to hear?" I asked hesitantly.

"I highly doubt it, but it's something you should know, before we go any further, I believe."

"About?"

"About this." he said turning his back to me and pulling his shirt off.

For the first time I had a full view of his scarred back. his back was most literally covered in hundreds of scratch like cuts running back and forth across his back, the scabs slowly showing signs of starting to fade.

"All I ask of you is to not judge me before hearing my story." he said as I studied his back.

"Judge? What do you mean?"

"Please promise that you'll hear me out."

"Of course, why shouldn't I?"

"Because this was consensual."

'Ho-ly fu-uck' echoed in my head and I took a few good steps back, almost falling over a chair as it got in my way - yes, sitting down was what I needed.

God, how could I have not seen this? I've read about this in kinkier books so many times and well a few videos when ever I felt more curious about kink, but never-ever in such extent. The sight in front of me looked like the very definition of violation of BDSM rules.

Was this some weird fetish of his? No, fucking can't be. He'd only had his ex-wife. He was even fucking scared to kiss me, touch me, there was no fucking way he was into S&M.

I was completely bewildered as he turned around looking at my pale stunned face. "It's not a sexual thing." he said, leaving me more puzzled than before.

"What is it then?" I choked out.

"A long story, a story I don't want to tell, but hope you'll listen. I need you to know."

All I managed to do was nod.

"About four years ago, three years from when my wife divorced from me." Good god, seven years since he'd had anyone? I thought to myself as he continued "I was in a low point in my life. I was taking sleeping pills, stress relievers, antidepressants and really, none of it seemed to ease my pain a single bit, just made the reality seem further and further away. Now I know I should have quit the army right now and then, but back then it seemed the only solid thing in my life."-

-"I saw doctors, psychiatrists, therapists and psychologists, all just gave me a new pill, saying it was normal for a man in a position like me, but I didn't believe it, or didn't want to at least."

He sighed deeply and sat on the other edge of the bed, facing away from me, "One night drinking at the hotels bar I was staying at back then, a man approached me, a man who I believed worked there as a chef. That man was John. He saw my pain and explained that his wife might be able to help me. He told that she had studied psychology, taking a focus on experimental therapy, pain therapy in particular."-

-"The theory is that psychological pain is more easily processed when it's exposed to physical pain. And that she was more than reputable dominatrix, but mostly just due to the fact of her skill with the flog - she doesn't participate in any form of sexual domination, not professionally at least."-

-"In short, he was offering me a safe way of getting exposed to pain. That's Kathrines speciality, playing on the very edge of causing pain without harm or permanent damage."

He eyed me up and down before going on "Of course I declined him at first. But I was feeling worse and worse every day, honestly I was borderline suicidal and there's just something about John that makes him seem just so trustworthy. He had left me her card. I looked pain therapy and Kathrine up online and as controversial as it wouldn't have looked and sounded, I decided to give it a try."-

-"And god, you've met Kath, you've seen how ruthless and loving she is at once. That woman could be a torturer for the military I swear. Not that the British army has torturers. The way she can deliver pain... I honestly believed that the entire layer of skin was beat off of me and I couldn't care less. My pain had clinged to the pain she was giving me. It felt real, like I finally could grasp my pain, like it existed, like it wasn't just something imaginary in my head. I had no idea how long she beat me, felt like an eternity, but she later said it was mere fifteen minutes."-

-"I was in another place after that. I didn't even realise she'd put me to bed and covered me up. I came back to reality waking up the next morning. I hadn't slept like that in years, I had spent more of the nights awake then asleep. My back was completely red, but not a single scar. And my pain - it was still there, but not nearly as bad as it was before her, it was manageable. I had been seeing her ever since."

"Right now I see hundreds of scars." I said feeling my anger towards John burn and a hundred mixed emotions battle in me.

"Over time my pain tolerance grew noticeably and well... the last time, the last time John covered for her as he'd done a few times before... I just wanted it to be the last time. John was fairly reluctant of crossing the line of harm, but I literally begged him. I needed to get past that part of my life, I wanted it to be the very last session ever. I feel like it was my last session ever. So, here we are and that's my story."

I sat still trying to process the controversial story his lips told. His mother figuring us out was nothing compared to that.

"This is... a lot." I said bleakly.

Honestly I felt like I couldn't move, what I had thought of being frozen still was not comparable to what I felt that moment. Nor what I'd thought of the meaning of feeling shocked - 'now this, this is feeling shocked' a devious voice smirked at me in my head.

I felt nauseated as I tried to imagine either of them deliberately hurting him, inflicting pain to allegedly cure him from his. Flogging him, whipping his skin open... I couldn't even bare to imagine what his back must have looked like before healing.

"Do you want me to take you to town?" he asked quietly.

"No." I answered, my voice sounding more like a squeal.

"Would you like me to sleep somewhere else?"

I shook my head and he gave me a small faint smile, fighting the urge to touch me before removing his pants and folding his clothes up as neatly as he always did.

He didn't speak as he laid down under the duvet, as far on his side as he comfortably could.