All Comments on 'Together Forever'

Would like to see this story continued. Thanks

Often you switch between first and third person in the same sentence. "Brit loved the way it gave her a burn in my lungs and legs." "She fell over onto my bed". The second one is bigger issue considering it confuses as to where she is at the moment. Watch this in the future, pick a perspective and stick to it. If you later decide to change it, go through word by word and edit it. I wasnt able to get past the second paragraph due to this.

While I still enjoyed your story there is still some room for improvement. First check your pout-of-view as you have lots of changes (you obviously re-written it to change the setting) like "she finished my shower" etc. Secondly there are still problems when it comes to distinguish you're / your and other smaller grammatical errors. When you fix those you're all set to go making it an even better experience. Getting an editor or beta reader is a good starting point.

All said and done I still enjoyed it quite a lot as I'm a sucker for bro/sis happy needing on the long run. You have talent and passion for this so keep on trying.

4*

That was a great story !! . I suggest you get someone else to ' proof ' read your final work before you submit it but it is still a great story. Thanks very much.

I don't understand how you passed 8th grade writing stuff like this story. Constantly changing the point of view, particularly in the middle of a sentence is very confusing and makes the story unreadable.

and exciting but readable

get your spellchecker working

Jake seems a very sexy mature older brother. Give him some chest hair for that sexy and masculine chest, something for her to caress and touch tenderly.

That the majority of commenters who are the most critical, often maliciously, even vitriolic, strangely, all have the same name; Anonymous. While it is true that this writer would benefit greatly by proofreading his work several times or engaging someone to do so, thus raising his ratings on his submissions. This was a good little story in spite of the errors and I hope to see more.

Even though some would argue, none of us are perfect. Example; Capt. Fap, a frequent commenter, as am I, who makes his points fairly, often suggesting ways to improve WITHOUT all the senseless vitriol. But "pout of view"? We all slip occasionally.

I can't help but wonder how many stories the hypercritical " Anonymous " have submitted, thus setting themselves up for a big dose of their own medicine. Any guesses?

I gave four stars. With thorough proofreading, it may have been five.

Thanks for voicing the opinion of registered users here. No wonder many authors disregard or even delete the hostile anonymous comments.

And thanks for catching my mistake, of course it should be "point of view", but as you said we all slip sometime :)

Please learn the difference between: there, they're and their.

Your grammar, words, and spelling were TERRIBLE. The story was good. It was a little short, but use spell check and grammar check.

Sorry for the mix up of pov in the beginning. About two or three paragraphs in I decided to use third person instead of first person so I went back and changed it and I understand that I missed a few. My apologies.

Please get a proofreader or learn the English language. It does matter.

NO YOU DIDN"T!

This is 100% un-fucking-readable.

Very good short story, but needs to continue with some more chapters, enjoyed reading it made me thin of my life when i was a young man.