All Comments on 'Tom's Parallel World Pt. 01'

It's certainly an interesting start - honestly, I love your worldbuilding and am extremely curious about this place where travelers from parallel worlds occasionally cross over. As for the criticism...

1) I absolutely don't care for the, "everything is my ex's fault and I get to escape this terrible world with its terrible women and go to a better place where the females behave." I assume it's not how you meant for it to come across, but that's unfortunately a trope among incel writers... And there are too many of those.

2) The first half of the story feels very... Anime. That definitely improved in the seconds half after I'd written this critique in my notes (Also, it's not necessarily a bad thing, depending on what you're going for - just be aware of your influences.)

3) How are you going to deal with the reverse 'deus ex machina' where he got to keep his tent and some items, but not others? When I wrote this, I assumed the animal world was more primitive (I know, shame on me), but if he's in a sci-fi world and didn't get yoinked there by a goddess, what gives?

4) On a technical level, your sentence structure is overall pretty good. You could stand to do an editing pass before you publish, though - in some places you had errors, and in others you bounced between tenses. If you did an editing pass and had trouble catching errors, then print out a hard copy and read it out loud to yourself. You'll sound silly, but you'll catch *way* more errors, because it engages a different part of your brain.

That's all I've got, but I'm interested in learning where you take this story, and can't wait for the next chapter. Thanks!

Thanks for your critique Abiostudent3..

1) The trope... was to show why he started his trek around the coast... Rather than returning home to parents or sitting in some lonely bedsit.

2) I actually don't watch Anime except for the odd Studio Ghibli. Glad I improved for the 2nd half...

3) You'll need to read the following chapters to discover more...I hinted at more to come in the pre-amble. There is a plot in the making.

4) Thanks for the critique. This story has been around for more than a year on other sites... I've transposed it and brought it technically up to date. As it was my first attempt at writing. It has been through many online grammar & spelling checks and Beta readers. So any possible tense swapping may be where I've condensed the original 3 chapters into one. I'm sure we're all not perfect but there is a time when you have to stop staring at the trees and publish a story... After which even I can spot errors...

Hopefully you and others will continue to enjoy the story as it unfolds...

Interesting, look forward to seeing the story grow.

👍👍👍👍👍

thank you. i enjoyed this story. looking forward to reading more chapters.

I like your hapless traveller

loving this and hoping this goes on for a long time!!

This is off to a great start - looking forward to catching up and checking your other works! Thanks for writing/sharing :-)

I can't wait to see where this goes. Interesting world

I haven't read many sexual sci-fi stories, but I will after this one. I am going on to the rest of the series.

Interesting story, can’t wait to read to rest of the series.

Great story, very well written.

looking forward to your next story,

Thanks, Steve

Great start !

[12.12.22]

Excellent inaugural chapter!

11/10!!!!!

Love the story. Was looking for it again because I didn’t save it to my favorites.