Too Far Gone Ch. 04

"You look like the kind of asshole who goes joyriding in other people's cars."

He tosssed Bryce the keys and walked over to me, hand out, "Hi, I'm Johnny."

I shook his hand, "Alice, nice to meet you."

"Same. How bout you and me go for a drink sometime?"

I was getting ready to deliver my usual, nice let down when Bryce chimed in. "Get in the car. Johnny Boy, later."

I smiled at Johnny Boy as he closed my door. He smiled back. And I understood. It was our secret. I'm sure he wouldn't mind a good fuck, but he was going to stay quiet. And that was the important part. "He was nice," I said to Bryce. Bryce rolled his eyes as we drove off.

"He was doing what he was told."

"At least he was nice while doing it," I smiled at him. Bryce shook his head and didn't say anything. We drove on. I was a little surprised at his music choice, mostly R&B. A little bit of rap, but a lot of gentle love songs. Adrian has always been a classic Rock guy. No surprise that Bryce wasn't having any of that on his playlist.

We got to the local mall and started our shopped expidition. Of course, being a boy, Bryce was heading straight to the shoe store. I, of course, wouldn't have any of it. "I mean, if we're gonna get you shoes, you need a belt to match, and a nice shirt, and a good pair of slacks," I said as I dragged him into the fourth store.

They didn't have shoes that I thought would look good on him, so we moved on. Still, it was a high school kid that was assisting us. I didn't recognize him, but I saw the way he looked at Bryce. There was fear there, not real fear, but this kid had heard stories. He knew something. And that something had him scared. He stammered and stuttered. When he didn't have a shoe in Bryce's size, I thought he was going to piss himself.

We were headed to the fifth store when he asked me, "Why are you doing this?"

"Let's grab something to eat."

He stopped walking, "No, seriously, why?"

"I'm hungry. I'm sure you're hungry. Let's go eat and we'll talk about the rest over full stomachs, okay?" I turned on my bright smile. That's the one that got Dad to get me a new car, saved a few A's in school, and got Adrian to kiss me back for the first time.

Bryce responded with a certain look of his own. His eyes narrowed, there was a small crease in his eyebrows, but his forehead didn't wrinkle. There was a tightness around his lips and a focus on me that made me sure he was seeing me bleeding. It was like he was pushing fear into me. Then, suddenly, it was over. "Fine, lets grab something to eat."

I, being the sophistacated personality that I am, fell for the free samples and grabbed some orange chicken and fried rice. Bryce had a burger and fries. Typical boy food.

He sat down across from me, took a sip of his soda, ate a french fry, and turned his look back on. "That's a scary face," I said, hoping to dissolve some of the tension. It didn't work.

"I asked a question. I'm waiting for an answer." He paused, looking at me. Letting the fear settle into me. And it was definitely beginning to settle. "I'm not use to waiting."

Fight back, Alice. I turned my smile back on. It seemed like the appropriate weapon for this war of wills. "Look, I had an assignment recently. It made me realize that you and I aren't nearly as close as I thought we were."

"You thought we were close?" His tone was incredulous.

"Not close close, but, I thought I at least knew you a bit better. Adrian made me aware of the fallacy of that idea."

"While y'all were fucking."

"After, I think. Maybe before. Definitely not during, though." I saw a quick look of shock cross his face. "Didn't think I'd talk about us, did you?" The hard look was back in place. "The thing is, little brother, I know you won't tell. You enjoy having the secret too much to give it away."

"So you understand me now? I guess sneaking into my journals pays off, huh?"

"A bit. Especially since you wouldn't talk to me." I focused on my fried rice. The last thing I wanted to do was look at him. I could feel the hate directed at me when he started talking about his journals.

"Good thing I got rid of them, then."

"Why do that?"

"Because I should have never written them in the first place. And I definitely shouldn't have kept them. Too many nosey people in the house. And I don't do sentimentality."

"I do. And I like that you did." I looked up at him, no smile, no fight, just looked up at my little brother. "Look Bryce, I know how you must feel. I know we aren't what we should have been. Hell, me and Adrian aren't what we should be. But I do love you. We may not have the brother and sister connection we should, but I'd like for us to at least be friends. And we'll see where we can get from there. Okay? Maybe we can start with a pair of shoes."

He looked at me. His look was gone. He was just looking at me. Judging. Weighing. And, when he was done, when I felt like he was done, I felt like he found me lacking. He smiled at me. And I felt less than.

"Do you know how often I've imagined you dead. And not just dead, like, me killing you. But it's not the killing part that I think about. It's the scene. I wanted to string you up on the rail of the stairs. All of you. From tallest to shortest. I was even going to string up that fish that Adonis use to have."

I trembled under the weight of his words. I could see all those black pages in his eyes. Feel his hatred settling on top of me. The gravity of it.

"And now you just want to push the reset button." He smiled at me. It was genuine and fierce. "You can reset. But I'm not going to. I can't. That's not in me. But yeah. You stole my secret and I stole yours. So we can try it. I'll let you. Let's start with a pair of shoes. But when its over, I'm going to kill you. And Adonis. And the parents."

-Bryce--

We drove home. Together.

That was not the plan.

At least, that wasn't my plan. I had planned to leave her there. But our conversation in the food court had peeked my interest. And, sadly, as usual, I refused to lie to myself. I was jealous. Of him. Having her. I looked at her, I saw her smile at me. And I remembered her taste. I remembered the fear in her eyes. I saw the ways she looked at him.

And I hated it.

Wait. Something was wrong. I hated it. I hated Adrian. I hated everything about him. I hated ... shit.

Where the hell was my hatred of her!

FUCK!

This was not my reality right now. I hate her! I know I hate her! I've hated her for years! From the first time I saw her and Adonis kissing, I've hated her!

FUCK!

Why the hell was I having this little revelation in my car with the enemy to the soundtrack of Breaking Benjamin. I mean, I like their music, but this was not the setting for deep introspection. But this is where I was. I had to work my way through it. I'd rather be working through it in the quiet of my room, with both of my perfect siblings out of the house, my father trying his best to ignore me, and my mother trying to keep the peace by pretending that quiet is okay.

That's right, find it, find those dark places. Dig in. Grip it. Hold on to it.

Alice was talking. Those perfect teeth. Never needed braces. "-believe we found a belt to match those shoes!" The way her lips formed words. The way the moved around the shape of sound. How they would feel around my cock.

NO!

I am not that. I'm not anything like the others! I won't forgive her just because she's beautiful and I'm horny. Shit, when was the last time I fucked Lynn? It wasn't that long ago. I shouldn't be this distracted. Focus. FOCUS!

I hated Adrian. When did I hate Alice? I didn't always. I use to compete for her attenti-

I lost. That was the moment. That day I came home and found them making out in Adrian's room.

I had just gotten beaten up again. It was the last time. I was coming home. Home to Alice. To let her kiss my bruises and pamper me and hold me to her. And I found her. At home. In his arms. On his bed. Giving herself completely over to him. My oppressor. My enemy. My nemesis.

That was the root of it. Alice was my life boat. My floatie. She was the last string that held me onto humanity.

And she betrayed me.

"And that shirt actually has some wears to it. It's not just a one-time graduation shirt. You can put that with all kinds of looks."

The next act of violence against me turned out a lot differntly.

Fine. It was time for some truth. At least with myself.

I loved you, Alice. I loved you before he did. But not anymore. I'm beyond you. I'm beyond love. I'm beyond everything.

My phone rang.

"Speak."... "He's where?"... "No, just follow him." ... "We don't need the trouble that the disrespect of working their turf would cause right now. Just follow him." ... "Let me know when he gets back on our turf. The instant he's back." ... "Cool, later."

"Who was that," Alice asked.

I smiled at her. "My friends."

--- Lynn---

I was reading through his journal. Most of this shit was just that, shit. The common bullshit everyone goes through going up. I wasn't even sure why he felt the need to write it down. Then again, it was Bryce I was dealing with. Dramatic as always. Still, Mommy issues gives a man a reason to fuck.

I smiled, and turned the page.

Shit. Another black page.

These were different. These delved into the depths of him, the man I loved. And I did love him. So, as much as I hated these damn pages, I had to read them. I needed to read them. I needed to know him. As deep and as hard as I could. So I read.

" So, I'm not a virgin anymore. And it was crazy. I fucked Lynn. And I mean that. I fucked her. It didn't start that way. It started off all soft kisses and touching, but it turned into so much more. The harder I pushed, the more she accepted. And I pushed. I fucked her as hard as I fucking could. And she loved it. And the way she felt! Oh my God! I can't even describe it. The way her pussy felt. Her skin on mine. Her sweat. Her breath. The sounds she made.

But that's just it. I've watched all the romantic movies and the rom-coms and the chick flicks that a, now confirmed, pussy loving man could stand. And that was it. There was no rapture, no angels floating down, now Cupid's shooting their little arrows. None of it.

But when it was over, I admit, there was peace. She laid on my chest, her heart beat against mine, and there was peace.

And I liked it.

But not by itself.

I liked the sense of peace she gave me, against the violence and the blood and the screams. And her screams. She yelled my name, wanted more. Of me.

I think thats what I love. That she wants me. More of me.

And I like that.

Today, I hurt someone. Tomorrow, I don't know. If it gets me more of her..."

Wow.

If that wasn't a declaration of love, what was? I smiled as I sent Bryce a text telling him to come over. I needed to reward his dedication to me. And, I won't lie, it kind of turned me on.

The reply came. "Busy."

I sighed. I knew what he was busy with. If he was denying me, it could only mean that he had found him. And was dealing with him.

Poor Jose.

--- Jose ---

"-- I just don't know if I can be forgiven, Father."

He smiled at me and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Son, Jesus forgave a murderer while he was in the worst pain of his life. The son of God can forgive you too. Don't doubt his mercy."

He comforted me. He gave me some good, old bible shit. And it made sense. I mean, in a written-hundreds-of-years-ago kind of way. But, Maria told me to come talk to him. And I did. Weeks ago. And I was still talking to him, because he made sense. Even with all the bible stuff.

Father Claude made Maria still loving me make sense.

Even after Yce.

I heard it. Even as quiet as they tried to make them, I was far more neverous. So I heard it. The doors pulled open and six men, full sized men, walked into the cathedral. All of them were wearing the black hoodies that I had come to fear. They moved in and surrounded the perimeter, like they had been taught to. Shit. Fuck.

They held their hands in front of them, posed, prepared. Ready.

I was a dead man. I didn't need to see under the hood as he walked alone up to my pew. I kept my eyes down when he stopped, looking only at his shoes. Black, no labels or names. He pushed his hood back and looked at me. I didn't see him, but I felt the weight of his gaze on me.

"Can I help you, son," Father Claude asked him, his fingers tightening their grip on my shoulder, sensing my distress. It was a vain attempt to keep me calm.

"I'm here for him." Yce's voice was ice cold. Calm. Quiet. I could still feel his eyes on me.

"Son, this man has turned his life over to God. You have no cause here."

"God can have his life. Hell, He can even have his soul. I just want him." I heard the sound of a hammer being cocked back. Shit. His favorite 1911. Laser engraved. It was all frence designs with a Greek goddess on the handle. Athena I think. I had never really spent a lot of time with Yce. I mostly knew him by reputation. A fearsome reputation. Regardless, I knew enough to know I was fucked. The second time I was in a room with the man, he was forcing me to watch while he cut my fiance's face into pieces.

God and Satan were fighting over me.

"This man-"

"Father," Yce interrupted, "I don't want to kill you and burn this church to the ground. But that's exactly what I came to do. You can live. This church can live. You can save so many other lives. But this one is mine. Give him to me." I felt his eyes move away from me. I felt sorry for Father Claude. I deserved that weight, that pressure. He didn't. "Give him to me, and save a thousand more. If I have to take him, how many souls will be lost because you weren't here to save them?"

"Son, why don't you sit down with us? I'm sure we can work this out." God forgive him, Father Claude was actually trying to bargin with the devil.

I didn't see it, but I felt it. I felt his arm move. I felt the heat in the air, the focus of his anger. I felt it. I stood up, just as he was turning his focus. "I'll go with you, just... don't."

For the first time, I looked in his eyes. I saw my own death. And I knew how slow it would be. And I knew that I deserved it. I was trying to serve fresh water from a dirty cup. Yce was the answer to that impossibility. He was my scourge. But I deserved this. Maria was one thing. She chose me. Chose this life.

But Father Claude.

A man of God.

Yce had no limits. He would do just what he said he would. He'd kill this man, this good man. He'd burn this cathedral down, to the bricks. And I couldn't let that happen. I saw my submission reflected back at me in his eyes. "Time to go, then."

I turned back to Father Claude. "Thank you. Tell Maria that I love her." I didn't say more. I wanted to , but I didn't deserve to. Yce's hand grabbed my arm. My time was up. I had far and beyond tested the limits of his mercy. Without any kind of struggle, I let him turn me and walk me out of the building.

That's all it was to me now. A building. It wasn't a church or a cathedral or anything sacred. It couldn't be. Because I didn't deserve it. I sat in the backseat of the car, quiet as the night around us.

God knows, it didn't stay quiet.