Too Much of a Good Thing

I was accepting congratulations like I just won the Indy 500 while the mother-son dance was going on. Before I knew it, Traci was standing in front of me, with a surprised yet happy look on her face.

"Wow, will I be able to get in on some of that before this night is over?" she asked. "You never cease to surprise me."

Just then Hayley grabbed my arm and dragged me back to the dance floor. The mother-son was over, and the kids were taking over -- with my addition. I don't think I sat back down for another 15 minutes, and when I did, I had Mariah's friends coming over to me to congratulating me for being so with it and good.

When the band occasionally played a slow song, I had several women in my age bracket coming up to me to ask to dance. I gave all of them some floor time, then when they played a song I could foxtrot to, I went over to the family table and extended my hand to Traci. She looked at me somewhat coquettishly, took my hand, and we were off.

I know most of the people at the wedding knew our story and knew that we rarely talked or spent time together. So when we hit the dance floor together, there were a lot of heads turning to watch. Maybe they figured I'd stomp on her foot on purpose or do something else mean, but I was having way too much fun to really give her much thought. I did notice that she had gained about 20 pounds through the last decade, and it didn't look like she kept up with her gym membership. I know she was out of breath when we were finished, and I escorted her back to her seat.

"Thank you, kind sir," she said aloud, then she leaned in close and whispered, "Can we find some time to talk tonight. Just five minutes worth?"

We were still in a clinch, so I whispered back in her ear, "Yes, a little later." She gave me a quick peck on the cheek, and I caught a whiff of her White Shoulders. It still worked for her.

Mariah came up to me a few minutes later at the table and gave me kudos for being polite to Traci.

"Just trying to be a good host," I stated. "She looked lost, so I waited until they played something easy enough for her to handle."

"Well, you're a good man, Charlie Brown," Mariah said before giving me a kiss on the cheek and heading off.

I waited until the reception moved into its final hour before seeking out Traci for our little talk. By that time, some of the guests had already left and some were too drunk to notice. I just wanted to keep the discussion as low-key as possible at the wedding.

I escorted Traci to an empty table in the back of the hall.

"I'm yours. Tell me what you want to talk about," I said.

"I want to talk about us, Jeff, about the possibility of us getting back together," Traci said while staring intently into my eyes.

I didn't flinch when she made her statement, so I'm sure she took that as a good sign.

"I made a horrible mistake eight years ago, and you had every right to do what you did. But I really do still love you, and I think with a little work on both of our parts I think we could consider growing old together. And if I know you as well as I think I do, you still love me, too."

I had to admit she was right on that last part.

"I do still love you," I answered. "You don't just turn off 18 years of love like a light switch. But I will never be able to get past the fact that I wasn't enough man for you, and you deceived me and the boys to get what you wanted. That lack of consideration -- the lack of respect -- from the person I most loved in all the world was devastating to me.

"I spent years looking back at out marriage, trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I could have done better. Obviously I could have been a better lover, to start with, although I don't recall you ever complaining about our lovemaking. Maybe you were a very good actress, and just carried my ego along all those years ..."

"No, you were a fine lover, although there was just one of you as opposed to when we played and I got two or three of you then," Traci said. "I just got greedy and stupid. We hadn't played with anybody else in so long ... and the boys were just so ... I wanted more of that, but I knew you wouldn't go along with that. I suppose I could have found another couple for a real swap and been fair to you, but I really liked the boys and didn't want to change that up."

"So basically you were an inconsiderate bitch," I jumped in.

My statement was matter-of-fact and said flatly, without rancor. It caught Traci like a surprise punch to the gut.

"I-I-I never considered it that way, but I suppose you are right," she responded. "But that was eight years ago. Can't we give ourselves a second chance?"

"You mean can't I give you a second chance?" I asked. "And the answer to that is a resounding no. When you left me, the only thing I had left was my self-respect. And now, eight years later, you're asking me to throw that away. There are some lines that just can't be crossed -- ever. Some things that an 'I'm sorry' just can't take away."

I shook my head as if to clear it from some kind of fog that had settled in. I was pleased with myself for being able to rationally discuss the situation, when I knew there was a time that I would have exploded into a rage and probably done myself more harm than good.

Traci's eyes were down, focusing on the floor beneath her shoes, when I looked back up at her. I could see tears running down her face. Eight years ago I would have swept her into my arms and kissed those tears away. Now I just stood up and walked away.

I walked over to the family table. Everyone was staring at me, waiting, I guess, for the explosion that I just talked about. I could see the apprehension on their faces.

I grabbed Hayley by the arm and practically dragged my shocked 22-yar-old daughter to the dance floor, winking at Mariah and Jason as I did so.

"Hey, we've still go 45 minutes of partying left," I shouted back to them. "This old man's going to get his money's worth!"

Epilogue:

Although I never did remarry, I dated as much as any man in his 50s and 60s should probably have a right to. I enjoyed where my life had led me. I retired at 65 and lived comfortably if not great, took a few nice vacations with some female companionship and played my role of "Grandpa" with great gusto. Hayley had gotten married about six years after Mariah, and each girl had two children.

I didn't avoid Traci intentionally, but even though we both still lived in the same town, I rarely ran into her. The girls told me she lived a very quiet, lonely life, especially after her parents both passed more than 15 years ago. I not only attended the funerals, I gave both eulogies, and Traci wrapped herself around me and absolutely sobbed when I was done each time. I held her close both times because I know how painful it was to lose my parents, but I made sure to stay out of arm's reach after that. I didn't want to give off any mixed signals at a vulnerable time in her life.

I suppose a part of me still loved Traci. I'm not sure you can ever get over someone completely when you're married as long as we were, but after all these years apart I was more sad for the way things turned out for her. She made a bad decision and it really turned out poorly for her. But I feel no guilt for doing what I had to do, then moving on with my life.