Toss

She knew exactly what she was doing then and she knew it now. But I knew also that she wasn't going to let me go — she let it happen once, never again. "I was serious about everything I said before. You have to ..."

"I know what you said and I agreed with it, I'm going to do it all, I said I will and I will. But we're going to have an interesting life together and sex is going to be a great part of it, that's all I said — I love sex and that's final. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do — after you try it."

"I'm not getting in bed with another guy."

"I'm not talking about doing any of these things tonight. We'll take it slow but it's going to be a part of our life, why wouldn't it be?" She reached down and grabbed my wrist and tugged. "Come on."

I struggled to my feet and she led me into my bedroom and pushed me down on the bed then went over and stood in front of the window slowly taking off her bra.

"What are you doing?"

She didn't turn around. "I want people to see what you're going to get."

"Come on, Toss, that's ridiculous."

She let the bra fall into her hand then she just dropped it on the floor and kept looking out the window. "I've never been happier than I am right now, Pint. Ever. And it's only going to get better." She turned and faced me knowing that she had complete control. "I had this secret spy hole so I could watch my parents have sex. They were lousy at it, they did it like they didn't like each other. I'm serious about us, Pint, it's really important that we make it in the bedroom because we're really different people, we will need sex to keep us together." She stripped off her underwear and stood there, looking down on me. "What do you think."

"You shouldn't have been snooping on your parents."

"About what I said ... about the sex keeping us together."

"You know I don't know anything about sex. How ..."

"I do! Just agree for fuck's sake and we can get on with it."

She never swears; the sound was shocking. "No, I'm not going to agree to that — I'm not going to jump in bed with some guy because you think it will be fun for you."

"It would have to be fun for you, too, that's the point."

"But it wouldn't be."

"How do you know, you've never done it — you need an open mind."

"Like the open mind that has you spying on your parents?"

"You always use my words against me, have you noticed that? I spied on my parents because I wanted to find out why they were so fucking miserable."

"Stop swearing."

"Sorry."

"And what did you learn?"

"I learned that I love watching people have sex, even lousy sex, especially women."

"That's sick."

"That's hot. Don't tell me you wouldn't have liked to see my mum fucking someone."

"Alright, alright — I'm not going to argue with you any more."

"I'm just saying I want a good sex life, so should you ... so should everyone. Who ever said, 'Jeez, I'd really like a lousy sex life, no, no, I'd like a mediocre sex life.'"

"Alright."

"So we're agreed?"

"On what, specifically?"

"You're a fucking idiot." She jumped on the bed and before I knew what was happening she straddled me and stuck my cock in her. "Push it in, deep." She instructed.

"No," I objected, "I like it about half way ... three quarters" — I had to assert some authority, I was feeling strangely emaciated.

She laughed derisively. "As if anyone would."

"That's the way I like it, three-quarters in."

"Fine by me I only have clitoral orgasms."

"What are they?" I had never heard of them.

"Orgasms that come from stimulating the clit, most women only get orgasms that way."

"So, what? Fucking doesn't do it?"

"It helps ... what I'm saying is it doesn't matter to me how far in you go, that's up to you — most guys like it as far in as they can get it ... and then a bit further. Your choice."

My choice ... nothing we ever did together had ever been my choice; she initiated everything, even as a preteen — she pretended otherwise but we both knew it. And we both knew that this day would one day come, or I did. I had run from her, hidden from her, insulated myself from her but I knew she would find me and I knew once she did this would happen, we would be in bed together and when it happened there would be no going back, we would be one; it was inevitable, just like the last ten years had been inevitable, the wandering in the wilderness until we found ourselves.

She was looking down on me, expectantly, her black eye filled with understanding — she knew the moment as well as I did. This would be the last first day of the rest of our lives together: I could kiss my independence goodbye. I may have only been three-quarter in her but this felt like totality.

"It needs friction, Pint. You can't get off without friction."

I didn't need friction, I could already feel it building. "Don't move, OK?"

I could feel her relax, she almost felt like she was melting into me.

"I love you, Pint. I've loved you for as long as I can remember — I wanted to be here, lying on you with you in me since ... forever." Then, she lay down on me, squeezing me, then rolled off me taking me with her until she was on her back and I was on top, still in her. She was grinding. "You're the man, you're the boss ... you're in control."

But I wasn't the boss and I'd never been in control. Ever. "Let me win some, Toss, it would be a big mistake if you don't let me win some."

"Ya, well, don't be so stubborn. Put it right in — no one puts it in three-quarters."

I did, obediently, it was always easier to obey and even though I wanted to just lie there with her under me, trying to make sense of her and let what was always going to happen, happen I didn't wait for her command, I went right in and fucked furiously for about 5 seconds and immediately exploded in a rush of confusion, joy, fear, love and utter compliance.

Rolling me onto my back was unnecessary, so was the laughter, so was the grinning triumphalism. I knew my adult life had just begun.