Total Drama University

What the hell is wrong with me!?

. . .

She had run almost five blocks before she realized, to her surprise, that there was no one chasing her. Courtney hadn't come running after her. The people who stopped to stare simply continued on with their lives, as if they had never seen her in the first place. She was alone. She had escaped . . .

. . . so why was she so miserable?

What the hell is wrong with me?

. . .

Gwen exhaled as she tried to catch her breath between sobs. She wanted to run. She wanted to cry or feel angry. She wanted to hate Courtney; to walk back to her dorm room and punch that little brat right in the face. She wanted to be okay again. She wanted to feel normal. She wanted to feel . . . to feel . . . to feel anything except what she was actually feeling.

What the hell is wrong with me?

. . .

Gwen sat down on a bench overlooking one of the campus' lawns. She was physically and emotionally drained, but her body was tense and her heart felt like it was going to leap out of her chest. She couldn't stop. She couldn't relax.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Over and over, those words kept repeating. Over and over, she kept trying to understand, to rationalize her feelings, to come to any other conclusion than the one that was staring her square in the face.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Because there must be something wrong with her. Because she didn't run anymore, and she didn't cry. She didn't feel angry, and, no, she didn't hate Courtney, even if she did want to give that brat a good punch in the jaw. She wasn't okay, and she didn't feel normal anymore . . . but she did feel something; something so powerful, it completely overwhelmed her . . .

. . . and she couldn't deny it anymore.

"I'm in love with Courtney." Gwen confessed, her face flush as the tension in her body suddenly lifted.

"What the hell is wrong with me?"

. . .

Gwen didn't want this. She never asked for this to happen. She never wanted to have these feelings. It wasn't as if she woke up one morning and suddenly decided she wanted to be . . . to be . . .

. . .

It wasn't fair! Why did Courtney have to come back into her life now, just when she had finally moved on? She had spent so much of her life being an outcast; the creepy goth girl, the reality T.V. star, the back-stabbing boyfriend stealer. She just wanted a quiet, ordinary life with regular, normal friends. For once, couldn't she cast the Total Drama bullshit aside and just be the average girl with the steady boyfriend, the girl working hard towards a college degree, trying to get a good job, so she could have a normal life where no one would judge her on a daily basis because of who she is or what she had done? She didn't want to be different. She didn't want to be famous. All she wanted was to blend into the background . . . and disappear forever.

"Is that so fucking hard!?" Gwen yelled at the vacant lawn.

. . .

So, there she was, a sad little goth sitting on a park bench, ignored by everyone around her and completely alone; totally invisible, just like she wanted. She was exhausted, and her body was racked with guilt over . . . too many things. Yet, in spite of it all, she knew she needed to go back. As completely irrational as it might sound, she needed to walk headlong back into the pit of fire that was her Total Drama life. If she had any chance of being normal, any chance of being okay, she had to face this, face Courtney, head on. Gwen rose to her feet, wiped the tears from her eyes, and readied herself for what was to come. She needed to see Courtney again. She needed to talk to her, to try to work this out. She needed to tell her . . . something, she didn't know what. She didn't know what she wanted anymore. She didn't know if she could ever tell Courtney how she felt about her. She didn't know what she was going to do, and, God knows, she didn't know what the hell was wrong with her, but she did know one thing.

I'm not going to get anywhere sitting around sobbing all day.

Chapter 5

"It's not my fault!" Courtney exclaimed as she paced the room.

"I mean, come on! All I did was be honest with her. Isn't that what she wanted, honesty? It's not my fault she got her feelings hurt!"

Courtney kicked an empty box across the room as she continued her one-sided argument with her invisible opponent.

"And really, where does she get off! Saying I betrayed her after everything she did to me? All I did was play the game, just like every other person who's ever played it. I mean, it's Total Drama; DRAMA being the key word! We all back-stab a little bit. Even goody-goody Leshawna tricked her entire team out of a spa day that one time. She even trash talked them behind their backs. No one had a problem with that!

". . . Granted, they did vote her off because of it, but whatever! Point is, I don't know why Gwen insists on holding this pointless grudge. I mean, I'm ready to forgive her. I'm being the adult. I'm not acting like some fragile, five-year-old- Ow!"

Courtney stumbled as she tripped over one of the boxes left on the floor.

"And what is with this mess! Can't she throw these things away? They're taking up the whole room. I mean, she already finished unpacking, if you could even call it unpacking. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind! Her stuff is cluttered all over her shelf. She's made a complete mess of the walls. Her closet looks like the dark side of the moon. The only thing on her side that looks even a bit tidy is her damn cork board, and that's because she hasn't done anything to it but put up a stupid-"

Courtney took a good look at the photo pinned to the empty board. She recognized the happy, smiling faces staring back at her. Through the haze of anger that had brewed inside of her, a bright, searing pain shown through, striking her through the chest, digging deep into her very core.

Guilt.

"My lawyers were right. I really am a total bitch." Courtney sighed as she collapsed on her bed.

"No wonder they stopped returning my calls."

Courtney sat on the bed for some time, staring up a the lone photo pinned to the wall. She thought about her time on All-Stars. She thought about Gwen. She thought about how wonderful it was to be friends with her once again; how they bonded in that short time, almost like sisters. She remembered how that sour-faced goth practically beamed with delight as the two of them worked together to win challenges. Courtney couldn't help but smile as she recalled Gwen during their time together; her sparkling eyes, her adorable laugh, her cute button nose . . . those full, pouty lips . . . her smooth, alabaster skin and round, perky-

"Oh God!" Courtney screamed at no one. "What the hell is wrong with me! Focus, Courtney, focus. No more relationships! You are committed to your career, you got it!" She finished delivering the pep-talk to herself.

"That's not to say I'm not . . . curious. It's just that between delinquent Duncan and country-boy Scott, my track record with relationships is total crap!" Courtney rationalized her feelings to the empty boxes.

"And besides, I need to focus on my law degree, become a high-priced lawyer, start my own law firm, and become one of the richest and most powerful women in Canada before I turn 30. I don't have time to waste on trivial things like . . . like . . ."

Jeez, she's been gone a long time, hasn't she?

Courtney started to get worried. She looked at her watch. 7:58, it had been over two hours and Gwen hadn't come back. It was getting dark. Did Gwen know her way around, yet?

Hell, I don't even know my way around, thought Courtney as she paced the dorm.

Maybe I should go look for her . . .

What if she doesn't come back . . .

What if she's hurt . . .

Maybe I should call the police . . .

Dammit, why didn't I chase after her . . .

This is all her fault! Why did she have to go nuts like that . . .

"Oh, who am I kidding!" she shouted. "It's all my fault. I treated my best friend like a pawn, and tried to write it off like it was nothing. I'm just as bad as Heather. Now, Gwen's probably lost in town somewhere, crying her eyes out, and I've been sitting here, whining like a fucking child! What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I ruin every relationship I-"

Suddenly, their was a sound at the door, a turn of the knob. Courtney rushed back to her bed, picked up one of her law books from off the floor, and pretended to read as the door slowly creaked open. There was Gwen, safe and sound. In one hand, she had a pizza box from one of the local chains. In the other, she had a six-pack of beer.

"Hey," said Gwen.

"Hey," Courtney replied, discarding the law-book. The two just stood there, allowing the uncomfortable silence to wash over them, until, finally, one of them spoke.

"So, maybe I overreacted a bit," said Gwen. "I shouldn't have stormed off like that."

"No, I should have been more considerate of your feelings." Courtney countered. "I shouldn't have treated our friendship like a game. It means so much more to me than that."

Courtney rose to her feet and walked towards the girl in the doorway. "The truth is, working together with you during All-Stars was the only time during that whole ridiculous series where I actually had fun, where I actually enjoyed myself, where I felt safe because . . . because I knew you had my back."

"Do . . . Do you really mean that?" Gwen asked as a slight blush appeared on her cheeks.

"I do." Courtney smiled as her heart began beating a little faster.

"Well . . . Okay then." Gwen said with a giggle.

"Okay." Courtney giggled back.

"So . . . friends?"

"Friends."

"Great." Gwen smiled that adorable smile that Courtney remembered so fondly. "Well, we still have some work to do. I'll help you finish unpacking if you help me wolf down this pizza?"

"Deal!" Courtney laughed. She was so cute when she laughed.

All right! Let's get started, roomie!

Chapter 6

It took most of the evening, but the two roommates managed to put away most of Courtney's things, as well as one large cheese pizza. Courtney even helped Gwen organize her side of the room . . . not that Gwen ever asked for her help, but she didn't want to start fight so soon after making up.

I can just move everything back later, Gwen thought as Courtney finished alphabetizing the goth girl's CD collection.

"Whoo!" Courtney exhaled as she wiped the sweat from her brow, her cheeks flushed from hours of hard work mixed with three bottles of Labatt.

"See, isn't this much better now that everything is organized?"

"Yeah, Courtney; sooo much better. How could I have been so foolish?" Gwen said sarcastically. "God forbid I leave my stuff out where I could actually find it, instead of having it meticulously organized on a shelf I'll barely use."

"Laugh all you want, but the whole point of this is to make it easier to find something you're looking for, instead of searching for an hour because you just 'left it out where you could find it.'" said Courtney, her fingers making little air quotes as she stumbled about, the alcohol clearly going to her head.

Still, it didn't stop the young coed from tossing back another cold one.

"Are we even allowed to have alcohol in the dorms?" Courtney asked as she stared into her bottle. "I don't want to get tossed out here on the first night. That RA's already gunning for us."

"It's a little too late to start asking about that, isn't it?" Gwen chuckled as she pointed to the pile of empties which littered the floor. "Besides, we're both over 18. That's legal in the province."

Normally, Courtney would have more to say on the matter, but with the delightful taste of the alcohol buzzing in her brain, who was she to complain?

"Hmm," Courtney shrugged as she finished off the last bottle before laying back onto her bed. "Seriously though, I remember you being a lot more tidy back during the show." She tossed the bottle aside and waited for the room to stop spinning.

"I think you picked up some bad habits from Duncan."

Gwen's body tensed. Her muscles tightened. The last thing she wanted to talk about was that insensitive prick.

Gwen sighed. "Oh, that asshole? I haven't seen him since he got arrested," she replied as calmly as she could.

"Oh right! I forgot about that!" Courtney laughed. "Whatever happened with that? Did they throw the book at him? Did he end up as some big prison guy's wife?"

Gwen couldn't help but laugh at the thought of Duncan in a wedding dress and make-up. "Unfortunately not. Last I heard, he worked out some kind of deal with the show. They'll probably make him do another season, or maybe have him work as one of the interns."

"Interning on Total Drama? I'd rather go to jail." Courtney laughed at her own bad joke as an uncomfortable silence took hold.

". . . So, you haven't talked to him since then? No phone calls? Nothing?"

"No, Courtney, I haven't spoken to Duncan. Why do you ask?"

"No reason. I'm just curious." Courtney stumbled to her feet. "It's just that you two were together for so long. Ever since . . ." Courtney trailed off.

"Ever since when?" Gwen asked. "Since you two broke up?"

"You mean since you stole him from me!"

"I did not steal him from you, Courtney! You were broken up!"

"We broke up because you got your filthy meat hooks in him!"

"I cannot believe we're having this conversation, again! Can't you just drop it? I'm not even interested in Duncan, anymore. Hell, I'm not even interested in . . ."

. . . in men.

"So you just tossed him away when you were done? Nice!" The buzzed Type-A accused. "What's to stop you from stealing the next guy I just happen to like?"

"I can't believe you!" Gwen shouted. "Why are you acting like such a bitch!?" The goth girl grabbed Courtney by the collar. "What more do I have to do to prove that I'm over him?"

"Get your hands off of me!" Courtney shoved Gwen away.

Gwen had had enough. She shoved Courtney back hard, pinning her against the wall.

Punch her! Gwen thought. Punch her right in her smug face!

Courtney struggled to break free as Gwen held her writhing body in place. Adrenaline coursed through the goth's veins as the two girls pressed against one another, their faces only inches apart.

Just punch her in the jaw! Slap her! Do something!

Gwen looked into Courtney's eyes, at her blushing cheeks, at her soft, pink lips. She listened to her soft moans as she struggled to break free. She could smell Courtney's scent in the air. It was sweet, addictive . . .

She wanted more.

Walk away! Just walk away! The rational part of her brain screamed as her body inched closer. Walk through the door and out of the room. For the love of God, whatever you do, don't-

And with that, Gwen grabbed Courtney and pulled her into a deep kiss.

. . . Shit.

Chapter 7

Gwen's mind raced as her lips pressed hard against Courtney's, her hands wrapped around the Type-A's head, pulling her close. Every inch of Gwen's body tingled with excitement as a rush of endorphins flowed through her. An intense pleasure overwhelmed her mind as she stood there, locked in a tight embrace with the young overachiever. She had done it. She had crossed a line she knew should never be crossed. She had finally, and at long last, expressed her feelings for Courtney, and now, through that sea of endorphins, a single, overpowering thought rushed to the forefront of her mind.

Oh God! What have I done!

A rush of panic swept through Gwen as the young goth pulled herself from the sweet embrace, backing away as Courtney tried to regain her composure; her cheeks flushed with excitement, her hair a mess due to Gwen's fondling, her mind filled with confusion, as well as something else, something she couldn't quite put her finger on . . .

. . . excitement?

"I . . . I'm . . . I'm sorry." Gwen finally spoke, her own pale skin red with embarrassment as she tried to flee.

"Wait! Gwen, stop!" Courtney yelled, grabbing her roommate by the wrists.

"I . . . I should go."

"Go where, Gwen? You live here."

"Please, just let go of me."

"Just calm down, Gwen."

"I said let go!" Gwen screamed, pulling her hands free as she reached for the door.

"No!" Courtney yelled, wrapping her arms around the goth girl's waist and pulling her back. The two girls struggled for dominance, Gwen's arms flailing as she tried to break free while Courtney stumbled trying to contain the goth girl's outburst. With a thud, the two landed on Courtney's bed as the Type-A girl rolled Gwen over and sat on top of her waist.

"Will you just relax, already!" Courtney yelled, grabbing Gwen's wrists, pinning her to the mattress.

"You know, for a goth, you're pretty high strung!"

"Leave me alone!" Gwen shouted. "Isn't it bad enough I just humiliated myself? Can't you just let me leave with a little dignity? I'm sorry for what I just did, okay! Can't we just pretend it never-"

It was then that Courtney bent down and kissed the panic stricken goth softly on the lips.

Gwen's eyes rolled back with pleasure as Courtney slid her eager tongue into the goth girl's mouth, effectively shutting her up. Gwen stared in astonishment as Courtney broke the kiss, slowly rising back into a seated position.

"I'm going to let go of your hands now. Have you calmed down?" Courtney asked. "Do you promise not to try and attack me?"

Gwen tried to speak, but the words would not come. She could only nod her head softly in agreement.

"Good." Courtney let go of Gwen's arms. The goth girl just laid there, too shocked and confused to put up any resistance. Slowly, she began to speak.

"You mean . . . you . . . you feel the same way that I-"

"How long?"

"What?"

"How long have you felt this way?" Courtney asked. "I want to know."

Gwen paused. She never thought she would be doing this, let alone while being pinned to a mattress.

"Since All-Stars." She finally confessed. "At first it was . . . Hell, I didn't know what it was! It just felt so . . . right! For the first time, everything just seemed to make sense, you know?"

"Yeah, I know." Courtney cracked a small smile which quickly faded. "So, when you found out about the chart . . . It wasn't just that I tried to trick you, was it?"

". . . No." Gwen cried. "No, it was more than that."

Gwen stared deeply into Courtney's eyes. "I trusted you. I thought that the two of us . . . I thought 'we' meant more than just that stupid show or its money, because . . . "

Gwen paused, unable to speak the words. She could only lay there, looking up at Courtney, waiting for a response.

"I didn't feel the same way . . . not at first," said Courtney. "It wasn't until I got back home that I . . . that I started to miss you." Courtney straightened herself up as she pushed her hair back behind her right ear. In the dim glow of the dorm room lighting, Gwen couldn't help but notice how incredibly beautiful she looked.

"Even then, I didn't understand what I was feeling, but I know that what we had back then . . . It was special; different from anything else I'd felt before . . .

". . . and I ruined it."

Courtney began to tear up. Even while crying, she was still gorgeous.

"I didn't even know what we had, but I knew I ruined it, and I felt awful." She wiped the tears from her cheeks. "I tried to forget. I tried to pretend it never happened. I tried to move on, but fate just had to bring you back into my life."

Courtney looked down at Gwen, still pinned to the bed.

"It wasn't until you ran out earlier that I started to put the pieces together. I started to ask myself what those feelings were, and why you mean so much to me, and now, here you are."

Courtney paused, afraid of what she was going to say next.

"I'm going to ask you one more question. So, please, be honest with me." Courtney stopped to regain her composure. She looked into Gwen's eyes. Finally, she spoke.