Towards a Surrender Act 01-02

With my original posts, I would vacillate for an entire day before I would click the 'send' button. My anxiety would control me. Those long months ago I had dressed and prepared the image of me wearing my best outfit. A moment later it was on the net, bit and pixels on the way to her Internet address. It was my way of accepting the challenge.

I waited, hoping to get some response from anaisdom but there was no further contact. I checked every few days. Slowly I came to realize during this time that I wanted this, and her note was clear, no contact. I wasted more time on-line during those early weeks, but no other responses arrived from my on-line inquiry. I considered other steps but determined that anaisdom was correct; either I was a simple 'dresser' or a woman. I knew what I must do, so I quietly went about my life and work was the distraction thankfully.

The hair growth was really very little trouble but it seemed to take forever so I stopped thinking of the request and her Instruction. I did not check back on the site for many months. My work and life were subtly shifting though as I began to determine exactly what I needed to become.

With the weeks becoming months, and with my hair having grown long enough to fall beyond my shoulders I tried to style it for some new shots but it was useless. Each morning I tried, to make it look good, but wrapped it in a ponytail band and walked to the bus, for the fifteen minutes to work. I should have visited a salon, but I kept to myself. Though I would dress in my small wardrobe nearly every evening I couldn't seem to leave the protection of the apartment.

My femininity was rising as each long week passed. I felt lucky that anaisdom was there, but was she really? Wasn't I guiding myself? Yet I wanted more; as I looked at my body, I wondered about changing my shape. The possibility that I might develop breasts was on my mind; my thin tummy flared to my thirty-five inch hips, but the flat contour above caused me anxiety. My medical coverage wouldn't help, and the cost of top surgery was outside my imagination. I was discreet about my dressing and kept to myself. The dressing and changes remained my private activity.

The hair falling on my back felt wonderful and after six nights and watching many Utube videos on styling and makeup I finally had a look, a feminine look, and I made and sent the images. I was smiling in each for I was happy with my quite womanly features and the makeup skills I had developed. Not too much mascara or shadow was the trick; less could be more.

I received a response to the pictures the next morning. With some joy, I decided to stay home and practice several other styles. After having spent the months learning more about my skin and the application of makeup, I was quite happy, and sent another image around two in the afternoon. I came to see my face as feminine, with a soft jawline, and I hoped anaisdom would be happy. The return e-mail was quick and simple just one word: 'better'.

- - - - - - - - - -

Finding my way and a new position, took the summer after my college studies, but I felt trapped by a desire to be someone; to silently open a door to another part of me. I had tried to abandon the thoughts for years, but passivity couldn't accomplish this. The hidden parts of me needed to be, to be released at any cost. In my note on the Alternative site, I had asked for a 'lover', but I was really driven by a desire to attempt to live differently, in a way that I would elect. Years earlier, I had come to understand that it was in my heart to follow. Now I would participate rather than simply being led. I knew that a great part of this craving was driven by my self-will, and yet I wondered which lessons would bring this to be.

The Instruction requests were not difficult because I liked having my hair longer and somehow as each day became a week and my hair grew I had adjusted; up in a boy-bun some days, or a ponytail on others. I wasn't anxious now for I could focus on other things as well as my job. Along the way I had found and read a book about alternative relationships. I recognized that I was okay with the physical and emotional restraints required to be the more passive partner, as this seemed to me a feminine role, and a way to benefit my rising awareness of the societal role of women. I was always a curious person and it had initiated the book purchase. I also saw it as a resource that helped me with other considerations for dressing en femme, which had come to me slowly after college. I had begun to nurture the fetish as I collected several outfits, skirts and tops, shoes, falsies and underthings, but I desired something or someone to guide me, as cross-dressing was not enough. Over a period I had come to realize that I wanted to be womanlike, truly female, not just playing and therefore a transition became my purpose. I decided to accept my need to change. It was something I just had to do and with anaisdom I had at least that; her guidance and my self-fulfilling purpose.

While my hair grew over those quiet months I had been watching and studying the women working with me carefully. I had learned to mimic their movement and mannerisms. Their dress and styling techniques I had to work at in order to achieve some success and therefore each evening I would practice alone; yet I wanted to become even more feminine. Looking into the mirror with my long dirty blonde hair I realized that I was willingly relinquishing some control to this stranger but this wasn't a classic dominant relationship. Anaisdom was leaving the participation completely in my hands, at least for the time being. I was surprised by my willingness. Though I had spent time on-line researching other trans behaviors the Instruction had caused me to want more than simply clothing; I was after a more complete shift, and I felt that I would not become a victim. I sensed I knew where this was headed.

Instruction #2

'It shall be absolutely clear that you will follow my directions without question, or don't'

'Take the hormones for the next one hundred days. Do not allow yourself to be with anyone, for you are only mine and your body must be for my appreciation '

The first package was right where the e-mail had said it would be, beneath a park bench near the fountain. I looked at the four foil-wrapped packages of pills. This could be dangerous and the tone of the Instruction seemed more assertive. I stood alone in the darkening evening light wearing my jeans and sneakers and looked at the pills. Why did I trust this stranger?

I stuffed the packs into my pocket but then stopped. Taking out one of the packs I saw that each held twenty-eight pills kept in a round disc thing and I pushed a pill from the holder and quickly swallowed it. I wanted this and could not interfere in the plan. Though it was crazy I felt different immediately for my commitment had become clear on the walk to the Park and now I was eager to get back and change, to fix my face and cleanse my smooth body; I had recently started to shave even the fine hairs on my hands and feet.

During the following weeks I had no communication from anaisdom but I had begun to feel the effects almost immediately. During the second week I was taking the pills, I found out that the supplied hormones were not simple birth control pills; these were targeted HRT drugs for a male transitioning, and the estrogen was changing me. In my mind, I thought with this I may now be my best self. I should be carefree, pretty and I may never have to deal with my maleness again. The nausea was new as well.

It became a daily thing to see a woman where a man once was. Several weeks after my first pill taken in the Park, my nipples had become distended and there was a softness that the drug brings. I could have just proceeded on my own, but I had come to realize there was a subversive need inherent in my original request and the note I had posted. After the fourth week, I wished that I had initiated my search for a partner and posted the on-line inquiry much earlier, as my body shape and feminine awareness were developing quickly and the changes brought a new sense of contentment. On my twenty-fifth birthday, I stood reviewing the effects in the mirror. I looked female, if I tucked my boy-bits back, with my blonde hair covering my shoulders and the small peaks forming on my chest. I still dressed daily as a male and rode the bus to work. In the evenings I would change into the simple outfits I had acquired but would not go around town dressed en-femme, though some nights I did consider doing so. I worried and wondered what I would do if someone recognized me. Each time I was about to go out, I became uncomfortable and panicked at the door. I considered the riskiness of my behavior, but I didn't feel natural, nor that I could faithfully present as a woman. I didn't share the anxiety of these failed early outings since anaisdom was refusing to respond to my e-mails, even those with images of my breast growth. I also began to wonder if my anaisdom was indeed a woman, or possibly a male, as I had no way to determine her gender.

One evening while wearing a new simple dress I had purchased on-line, I saw a movie about the training and coming to fullness that a Geisha experienced. I watched and found a similarity to my own transition. I needed a guide to push me away from my historic conditioning, just as the young Chiyo struggled with her world. I sat watching the girl become a geisha, and I felt compelled to continue the path with anaisdom. As the film continued, I paused the DVD and re-did my face to watch the conclusion. I wanted the purity of her developed and her educated beauty. I realized watching the relationship unfold, that I might not be in control just as she wasn't. Others could re-direct her path or cause her to crash and fail. I took away from the film a special confidence to further attempt my goal of transitioning to womanhood.

On the day following the one-hundredth pill, I sent the seventh picture of my upper body. This was a nude photograph, and I had spent three days trying to get the best image with my long hair and face done properly. I wanted her to enjoy my small breasts that she had helped create. The hormones had other effects but these were minimal compared to the growth of my chest and hips. Looking at the array of seven photo prints, it was startling, for these were mine, my breasts; though they were small these were all mine. The changes were astonishing and I masturbated my semi-stiffness standing at the mirror in my stockings and heels. The size wasn't an issue for I could feel the weight and see the fattish nipples. My release ran down my upper thigh and onto the nude hose'. I quickly pulled my thong into place and stepped to the computer.

The response was quick, with a new Instruction, as if she had tracked the day on a calendar.

Instruction #3

'It seems you can follow, but it must be clear, follow explicitly, or don't '

I went back to the Park, and I found the second envelope. Inside, with more pills and several other items, there was an address and a note.

'Visit this salon and ask for Charlie, she will know what to do with you'

Two days later I dressed in some tight jeans and flats, gender non-specific I would call my outfit, though I felt so exposed wearing the white blouse; my nipples were evident since I was braless. I walked into the salon door and waited for my appointment. When I was introduced I knew that Charlie was actually a guy moving through her own transition. After I sat down to discuss my hair styling she suggested that I needed her help with more than just my longish hair. I had noticed that I had become attracted to outsiders, people who were purposely different. I was not a normal male anymore though I felt I kept everyone else fooled each day, especially at work. I noticed Charlie checking out my chest.

"Maybe I can provide you a little guidance but I need to ask, do you want to be with this person?" Charlie told me she had no information on anaisdom. "I can't even guess who might have suggested my name. Maybe an old biddy," she giggled softly at her joke.

I nodded but quietly listened. "You must be aware of the risks," she said. "People who don't like your approach to life may target you. Being between is really difficult Lisa. Your on-line dom, well, she, may be a whatever, and perhaps she will accept you Lisa, but what if this person is not a woman? Could this dom be a man?"

I looked at Charlie as I considered her question. Of course, I wanted to be with anaisdom and, though I had some doubts, I meant to stay on the plan. Could Charlie be just a part of anaisdom's scheme I wondered? Her question made me realize that my gender determine and sexuality had become quite fluid. I didn't express disdain to her suggestion about a male.

Charlie spoke with a singsong voice not truly feminine, "I don't know how she got my name. She may be a customer, but no one has reached out to me regarding you Lisa."

I looked at her. Charlie wasn't exactly feminine, but I could see that she had something causing her chest to swell. Her help could be a positive part of my change of perspective. I was studying her in the reflection as she moved about.

"Stop the inspection 'Lisa'," Charlie fumed, as my eyes roamed over her physique; she wasn't truly annoyed but pulling me back a little bit. We were both transfemme and I should respect her. "It's a nice name, but you definitely need my help. Try not to embarrass me okay?"

She motioned for me to get into the big chair, "Let's get started."

Ten days later, I had trouble at work. One of the guys found my three-inch heels secreted beneath my backpack under my desk. I had found that I enjoyed wearing the shoes as I worked in my private cubicle. I thought no one would ever see my feet beneath the desk, but I must not have covered the shoes completely when I stepped away to the restroom.

"Thom, can you explain these?" It was Sean, another designer. He stood near and spoke quietly.

Sean agreed to keep the incident quiet, but I had to promise him a special treatment; he wanted me to blow him that evening in the parking lot.

"Well, do you have some other things?" He meant clothes.

I had a skirt and top in the lower desk drawer, "Yes Sean, sure, I'll get dressed and meet you in the lot after six. Most of the staff will have left by then."

Ninety minutes later I quietly slipped on the outfit and applied some mascara, lipstick and my scent. I brushed out my hair and smiled noting how reasonably I could switch my gender look. The office was empty as I walked across the carpet quietly in my low heels.

As I approached he held the car door to the back seat open. I had never been with anyone, a woman nor a man, let alone had I sucked a penis. There was something in my head that just seemed to be released; I was going to do this act with Sean. I smiled knowing that the quick makeup was sufficient in the dim light. As he pulled his pants down he told me that I was 'way past being a guy', but was I really? A moment later as I kissed and licked his hardness, tentatively, but with care, I knew something was now very different. The sight of his hard tube excited me.

I needed to protect my special relationship if Lisa was to meet anaisdom. I also needed my job; rent and living were not cheap in this town. As I licked and pumped his shaft I was surprised as his penis erupted into my hand. A small bit hit my cheek as well.

"Oh shit, I'm sorry, I came so fast!" At least he was apologetic now, and I did clean the mess on my fingers with my tongue, as he looked down into my eyes.

"Wow, Thom, I mean, that was exciting," Sean said softly.

As a sexual act, this backseat blowjob did not cause me a moment of pause. Afterward I thought how easily I had responded to Sean's physical need. He agreed to not discuss the fellatio, as he said that he was straight.

I knew I had crossed a boundary that evening. Sean had not cum in my mouth but his dick had been, well beyond my lips, and I enjoyed the sensual feeling on my tongue. I almost suggested we meet again but something stopped me. Five months had passed and I was living with the guidance of this elusive person, my mysterious lover, and now I had sucked a man's penis and licked up some of his ejaculation. I tried to not allow Sean to sense that I was comfortable, with the fellatio, and my feminine manner.

Yet I still didn't know her name! The ride home seemed much longer as I considered how I had behaved. Sean had been the first person to see me dressed as Lisa, other than the pictures I had sent to anaisdom. I had made-up my face and placed the clip-on earrings on my ears after brushing out my hair. Sean was surprised when the vanity light illuminated the nearly dark car interior. He paused as I reached to undo his fly, commenting that I looked quite convincing. I had smiled to myself but did not look up as I saw the dick pop out of his pants.

I had mostly pumped his cock in my right hand, occasionally licking the shaft and the head. His moaning began quickly, and within two minutes I was wiping and licking my hand clean. He asked me about the next step, but I told him that this was a single event and if he tried to extract any additional meets, I would report him to HR. I was convinced he was worried about the threat.

Now anaisdom, my mistress, as I still considered her, and I were in regular, almost daily contact. These were simple texts, mostly originated by me. She would answer with one or two words. My breasts continued to grow and each day I had to tape them down with a wide Ace bandage before I got on the bus to work. I did not tell her about the blowjob.

Instruction #4

'You are learning to be a special girl 'Lisa' and I want you to follow my lead without question or interruption, or don't'

'I want you to have a tattoo made in the cleft of your butt, much lower than a tramp stamp, it should appear as a small tongue'

This was a very difficult demand to comply with but there was no doubt in my mind that I would meet the request. I knew of a tattoo salon nearby but this requirement was so personal and intimate, I decided to travel over eighty miles to a reputable salon in another town. John Irving's book about chasing a tattoo artist was on my mind as I drove the rental car to the salon. The idea that I was wandering in search of an artist to paint my ass seemed strange but so were many things about me now. I was now changing with purpose and had determined that the artwork would become a part of me.

She did the tattoo work that Saturday afternoon. The intimacy of the location was embarrassing, but the artist assured me that there were a surprising number of people who had requested that she work in-between their cheeks. She worked for over two hours and the finished work was less than an inch and quarter across. Maybe it was small, but it was done. While she worked, she told me of the other interesting ones she had made and mine seemed the right size. Her name was Wendy, and to her I was just another crazy ink freak. It hurt, and she had suggested that I get a motel room for the night and remain on my tummy to allow the artwork to be exposed to air. I slept on my stomach for ten hours afterward. My bottom still stung days later, but anaisdom was ecstatic when I sent a snapshot; I reached about with my other hand holding a butt cheek wide to photograph the artwork. The next day, she again pushed me to do her will.

Instruction #5

'You must follow this explicitly, or don't'

'Wearing only the undergarments I have given you lie on your tummy on the bed in Room number 203 at the Thunderbird Hotel and await the guests'

The next evening I was in the room, laying across the large bed in 203 as she demanded, and I waited. I didn't know what she had planned and I was nearly naked and exposed. My breasts were now near a full B-cup and tended to get sore when I lay on my tummy and she knew this. The artwork had stopped stinging but I still applied the ointment several times a day, which increased the intensity of the red color but also helped relieve the tingling. At midnight the room door opened and I heard two people entering noisily. I didn't move or say a word as I shivered with fear. With the realization that there were two people in the room, I almost got up to run away as they came closer to the bed. I thought of the fellatio, and how Sean was happy after he had been in my mouth. Maybe these two would demand that I give them head but then something made me feel that I would be okay.