Toxic

"Deb and I are going to a movie night tonight. You should join us."

"As a third wheel?"

"No, it's raising money for the local LGBTIQ drop-in centre."

"Well, I'd finally get to meet Deb, I suppose."

"Awesome! Plus, it's about two women and their relationship, so we should be able to Bechdel the fuck out of it!"

"I've got a love-hate with Bechdel testing. I get why it's important for women to be represented as other than associated with men, but it doesn't necessarily lead to women being portrayed in a positive light. I mean, Candice and I talked about things this morning that were related to men, but even in the parts that weren't, they didn't really touch on anything ground-breaking for women."

"True. Minorities, be they women, LGTBIQ, BIPOC, or whatever, aren't always more than the token representation they are there for."

The film was amazing. An arthouse work from New Zealand that looked at a Maori couple and the messiness that can be present in any relationship and how more than love is needed to find happiness.

We all decided we needed a drink afterwards to sit and process the emotions the film evoked in us. Plus, I was looking forward to hearing Deb's take on it as a First Nations woman.

There was a pub near the cinema that appeared busy for a Wednesday evening. There was dull music playing and a couple of pool tables that had crowds of people around them.

I bought us a glass of wine each from the bar and settled into the booth Melanie and Deb had found. They were already talking about the film we'd just seen.

"I appreciated the messiness of it all. There were so many obstacles for the couple to get over, and even though there was attraction or lust, they managed to talk through things." Melanie was saying.

"The pain and hurt from Hauku's family disowning her because of her relationship with Aroha, and seeing Aroha's father and his acceptance, despite what his friends were telling him..." Deb trailed off.

"That man was amazing." I took a sip of my wine, "I mean, he was being pressured by his son to take a stand, and yet he was able to educate Billy and support him, all while supporting Hauku and his daughter."

We kept talking for ages before I excused myself to head toward the bathroom.

As I came out, there was a scuffle happening in the corridor. I was surprised to see a very scared-looking Candice pushed against the wall, two men towering over her.

"C'mon, baby, we know you're gagging for it. I mean, just look at you. You obviously want to be pressed against the wall and fucked until you can't remember your name."

"Excuse me!" I yelled, "Who do you fucking think you are. How in the hell do you think it's appropriate to talk to a woman like that?"

"It's just a bit of fun. Jesus. All women are so fucking uptight. Perhaps you need a good screw too." Only one of the men appeared to be mouthy; the other seemed embarrassed by the situation.

"Even if I did, buddy, I doubt you'd be able to provide it." My hands were on my hips.

"Everything ok, Gerry?" Melanie had come to find me.

"No. Can you please see if security could come and escort these poor excuses of human beings away. They were harassing Candice."

Security was soon on the scene, but it took some convincing for me to actually get the two men thrown out of the pub. It was not a misunderstanding, despite what the beefy security officer claimed, and it was definitely no joke.

"Thank you." Candice started sobbing as I wrapped her in a hug. "If you hadn't have come along. I mean, I usually come to the bathroom with friends, but I thought it would be ok. I mean, we come here a few nights a week."

"It's not your fault." I helped Candice into the bathroom and waited for her to finish before taking her back to her friends. "Hey. Candice was accosted outside the bathrooms."

"Jesus, girl. I mean, the guy obviously had taste."

I could not work out if this man, who I assumed was the fiancé, was joking or serious.

"Perhaps you need to cover up a bit more if we come here again?" he continued

"Um, this isn't Candice's fault. Two men thought they could wedge her against the wall and were talking about raping her."

"It's ok, Geraldine. Thanks. I've got it. Thanks for coming along when you did. I just want to go home. Byron?"

"Of course, honey. But if they had touched you, I would have rung their necks. That pussy belongs to me."

I had to walk away. Candice was back with her fiancé and friends, and no matter what I said, they had their experiences of life, and I had mine. Pick your battles, I told myself.

"Everything okay?" Deb asked as I got back to our booth.

"Not really. But anyway, I've been meaning to have you both out to lunch one weekend. I thought I could borrow the barbecue from Ben, and we could sit around the cottage and be social."

"Not sure Ben will be in on it," Melanie said, looking at Deb.

"I've talked to him about it, and he's put it off. I know the cottage has memories for him. He told me about Kerri."

"I'm not working this weekend. How about you come out to our place?" Deb offered.

"Sure. What can I bring?"

"Just you. And Ben and Lou. Oh, and Rod if he'll come." Melanie added. "So, you and Ben have been talking then?"

I wasn't sure what Melanie was implying, but had an inkling. "Yeah, we had a cuppa together after dinner that night up at the house. I think he was avoiding you!"

"He's a good man, and—"

"He's a friend," I added almost incredulously.

"Just saying, but he's lonely; you're lonely..."

"I think I might take you home, wifey." Deb mouthed a 'sorry' in my direction.

It was all fine. Ben did indeed appear to be a good man. He was also very attractive, tall, and rugged. I was only here for a few more months. It had only been recently my sex drive had returned after Michael's birth and the grief that ensued. I put it down to a couple of the racy novels I'd been reading. Whatever it was, I was able to help myself out with my fingers and a couple of toys I'd brought with me. I didn't need a partner.

~*~*~*~*~

"Gigi, Gigi! Grandad says you're in the paper." Lou was on my doorstep early on Saturday morning, the paper in her hand. "But they didn't put a photo in."

I flicked through the first few pages and couldn't see anything. On page eleven, there was a small paragraph in a 'Community Round Up' section that mentioned the march.

Opinionated Melbourne feminist Geraldine Golding is in town trying to convince local women that all men have it in for them. She is organising a 'Reclaim the Night' march and rally next Friday night. Details are on her Facebook page. Watch it, men, it's not a pretty place to look at, and it's pretty clear why she's single!

Anger didn't begin to cover it. I fired off a text to Candice thanking her for mentioning the event.

Candice: That's not my work. I put in an article about how women are unsafe at night and said that until men can tell their mates that harassing women is not cool, rallies and marches like this need to happen. I gather you haven't read the editorial?

I hadn't. Byron had gone to town. If women dressed provocatively and put in an effort to make men notice them then they shouldn't complain when men did notice them. He went on and on about how hard done by men are and implied that women should really just know their place. I felt like I'd stepped back thirty years.

Gigi: All good. I hope you're ok after the other night.

Candice: Sort of. I'm staying with my mum. I told Byron I wanted to push out the wedding date and he wasn't happy. I think we're done.

Gigi: If you want to catch up for a drink, let me know.

Lou and Snowdrop were playing in a grassed area near the cottage. I rang Nadia and apologised for the article. "Don't be daft. It's about all we expected from our local rag. Tom's already sent off a Letter to the Editor. Byron's always been a piece of work. All publicity's good publicity, remember?"

I thanked Nadia and told her I'd be at the final planning meeting on Monday evening. It had been lovely getting to know these women. They had accepted me as Gigi (or Gerry, depending!) and were all about building up other women. It was amazing to be part of.

With the newspaper in one hand and my phone in the other, I saw Ben striding towards the cabin.

"Hey, Gigi. Melanie rang. She said not to burn the paper because she wants to read it when we head over later." Ben was smiling.

"I didn't plan on burning it, although that might be a good use for the trash it is."

"I'm sorry. Byron's always been a pig."

"Yeah, there's more at play though. Anyway, what time are Melanie and Deb expecting us?"

"Any time after four."

"Is your dad coming?"

"That would be a no." One side of Ben's mouth again turned upwards. "He said he'd leave the evening to us 'young ones.'"

"You can take his paper back to him. Reading it was three minutes of my life I won't get back."

Lou and Snowdrop went back to the house with Ben, and I turned to writing. I had been exploring the reaction of men when they felt threatened about giving up some of their power. I was making headway, but not as quickly as I would have liked.

My phone beeped to a message from Candice asking if I had time for a coffee. She was already sitting at the café when I arrived.

"Thanks so much for coming, Geraldine, I just... I, well, I wanted to say sorry."

"First, it's Gigi or Gerry. Secondly, you have nothing to apologise for."

Candice explained how things had been strained with Byron and how he could be controlling. She believed it was him showing his love, but she told me she felt a little trapped.

"I don't doubt that he thinks he loves me, and I mean, he left his wife for me... But, when he told me the other night that it was his pussy, I got angry."

"That's understandable."

"I told him that when I was at uni, I had an abortion and he told me he was upset that he wasn't the first man putting a baby inside me. I mean, that was literally his response. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, and I don't regret it, but still..."

"There are plenty of men like Byron out there, sadly. There are also plenty of good men who understand and believe that women aren't possessions or something to be tamed. We belong to ourselves."

"My Great-Gran talks about the scandal when my grandma came along seven months after she and Great-Pop married. I thought that things were different now. I mean, we can choose when we want to have families, and we can work after we have kids and things."

"That's true, but there are still obstacles."

Candice and I chatted for over an hour until the café closed. I told her she and her friends would be more than welcome to come to Reclaim the Night, and she agreed she'd think about it.

~*~*~*~*~

"Ah, here she comes, the radical feminist from Melbourne." Mr Burrows sat on his rocking chair again.

"I'm more intersectional, but don't worry, Mr B. You coming with us to Melanie and Deb's?" I smirked back at the older farmer.

"Not today. I have a date." Mr Burrows rose from his rocking chair and walked inside.

Ben and Lou appeared. Snowdrop looked unhappy that she couldn't come with us, but Lou explained that Melanie's cats hated dogs.

The drive to Melanie and Deb's was quiet. Lou rattled on about a book she had been reading.

The couple lived in a cottage on the edge of town. It had a large paddock next door with two horses who came to inspect us as we pulled up.

"Hello Raindrop, hello Whiskers. I'll get some apples from Deb and give them to you." Lou was already friendly with the mares.

Deb greeted us with hugs and kisses and ushered us in to see Melanie, who was busy preparing a salad. Deb showed me around while Lou went to give the horses their treats. It was a beautiful home that felt very lived in. Photographs were on tables and shelves, and paintings hung from the picture rails.

"This is beautiful." I stood in front of one of the paintings, an abstract depiction of two women embracing.

"It's one of Kerri's. She gave it to us when we first moved in together, before same-sex marriage was legal."

"Gosh, I forget that it's only been a few years."

"Yeah. We've got a lot of Kerri's paintings in the third bedroom, but don't really know what to do with them."

"She had talent, that's for sure."

"Yeah. I've suggested to Melanie and Trudi, their mum, that we hold an exhibition, but Trudi says no. She blames Ben, but not as much as he blames himself, I think."

"Did I hear my name?" Ben walked into the room.

"I was admiring Kerri's painting. It's stunning."

"Hmmm..." Ben appeared non-committal.

We sat on the deck at the back of the cottage whilst Lou played with the horses and cats which were roaming the backyard.

"I see you couldn't convince Rod to join us?" Melanie asked, topping up my wine glass.

"Mr B told me he had a date." I took a sip.

"You should go on a date with Dad, Gigi." I hadn't noticed Lou had come up behind me.

"Your dad and I are friends, Lou. Did you bring that book you've been reading?"

"I think Dad needs to go on dates, and so do you, and you should go on one together." Lou was nothing if not persistent.

"Thanks, Pet, but I think this conversation is over." Ben stood and went inside, an awkward look on his face that was hard to read.

Dinner was quieter than I expected. Deb talked a bit about her work at the hospital as an Indigenous Liaison Office, helping Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander patients navigate the system.

"Plus, she's doing some courses at uni to become a social worker," Melanie added in, grabbing her wife's hand.

I could see Deb working with people in need. She had a calm manner about her.

"I suppose we also need to share our big news." Melanie looked at her wife who had a huge smile on her face.

"Who's having a baby? Am I going to have a cousin?" Lou shrieked, and Ben shook his head.

"No, Pet." Melanie laughed, "Deb and I got our final approval to become foster parents yesterday."

"That's awesome," I offered. Both Deb and Melanie seemed thrilled with the news.

"Yeah. I'm going to part-time at work too and moving departments, so I won't be dealing with the mayor every day too."

"I'm glad for you both." Ben indeed looked glad.

Lou asked more questions about the process, which Deb and Melanie both answered with patience and care.

After dinner, Melanie pulled me aside and told me that she hoped I'd reconsider Lou's suggestion about Ben and I going on a date.

"He needs the practice, Gi!" Melanie whispered to me as Deb, Ben, and Lou did the dishes. "He's such a nice man, but he's shy. I think he likes you."

"We're not in primary school!" I could hardly believe Melanie's forwardness. "I mean, he's lovely, but I'm only here for another couple of months."

"I'm not suggesting marriage, but, you know, having some fun together. You're both lonely adults."

What Melanie said was true. Ben was attractive; there was no doubt about that. Perhaps Melanie was right, and we both needed to blow away some cobwebs, so to speak.

The drive home was again quiet. Lou was nodding off, even though it wasn't late.

"Um, Ben," I started as he pulled into the drive at the farm, "I've been thinking, and I'm not sure what your calendar is like this week, but I was thinking we might be able to grab lunch one day."

"I thought I was in the friend zone." Ben smiled as he drove along.

"Well, I mean, sure, we're friends and all, but—"

"No, lunch would be nice. How about Monday?"

"That works for me. Do you want to come to the shack, or..."

"How about I pick you up and we go out? It won't be all day or anything, I know you have to write."

"Sounds good."

"It's a date!"

Lou sucked in a gasp of breath from the backseat. It appeared she was not as sleepy as she made out.

~*~*~*~*~

I had planned to go for a walk on Sunday in one of the nearby National Parks but decided to stay and write, not knowing how much writing I would get done on Monday. I had six chapters almost finished, two started, and two not really started at all. My relationship chapter was still stalling.

I'd written elsewhere about alpha males but wrote a few paragraphs on alpha males in relationships and how toxic this could be. There was nothing wrong with a man wanting to protect and show love and affection towards a partner, but if they did this in order to take away the agency or free will of their partner, then this should be seen as a red flag.

Knowing my subject matter well and writing about it effectively appeared to be two separate things. I pulled apart one of the chapters I'd already written and attempted to rework it, somehow convincing myself it was not up to scratch. I'd had an email from my editor sitting in my inbox since Friday, which I had been ignoring.

Instead of reworking a second chapter, I sent both drafts of the one I had changed to her and asked her opinion. I then decided to go for a walk to the creek.

Snowdrop was lazing on my verandah, but there was no sign of anyone else. She followed me to the creek. I found a stick which I threw, and she retrieved it several times before sitting and laying her head on my lap.

"Oh, Snowdrop. I'm just confused. I mean, Ben is lovely and there's certainly an attraction towards him, but... I just wonder what I have to offer. For all my outspokenness, I feel shy and timid at times too. You think I just go to lunch and take it from there? Yeah, you're probably right."

Snowdrop nuzzled further into my lap, and I stroked around her neck. Eventually, my bottom numbed from sitting on the rock, so I decided to make my way back to the shack. There was still no sign of Ben or Lou, or Mr B for that matter, so I decided to text Ben to let him know where Snowdrop was.

Ben: Thanks. Figured as much. She'll come home when she's hungry. Do you like sushi?

Okay, so question time. This was the first time I'd texted Ben, despite him giving me his mobile number when I arrived.

Gigi: I love sushi. I'm always wary of trying new sushi places in case they aren't fresh. If you know of somewhere...

Ben: Excellent. Know just the place. I doubt I'll need to bring you a fork, even Dad can master chopsticks these days.

Gigi: Wait, Mr B eats sushi? He is a wildcard! Do we know who his date was with?

Ben: His hand? Gosh, I didn't say that out loud, did I? Seriously though, I think it's a lady he plays Bridge with.

Gigi: That's sweet, the second half, I mean, not that I have anything against manual therapy!

Ben: Sometimes you take what you can get, hey?

Gigi: Nothing wrong with taking what you can get as long as it's offered freely.

Ben: : )

Our conversation was free and easy. Ben even used a smiley face and appeared to have a sense of humour beneath his quiet exterior. I was excited about our lunch the following day. I couldn't remember the last time I had actually been on a date with someone. Troy and I never really went out together.

It also surprised me that I thought of Troy again. It had been weeks since he had even entered my subconscious. Natalie and I hadn't kept in touch. It would have been strange if we had, I presumed, but I wondered how she was going.

That Ben and I were both nervous should have shocked no one when we arrived at the sushi restaurant. We were seated opposite each other with the train ambling past with plates of fish and rice aboard. We talked about the weather and a little about Lou. She had school holidays coming up, which she was looking forward to. There was talk about her spending a week with Melanie and Deb, but with the new foster care arrangement, things were still up in the air.

"Oh wow, try this one." I pushed a plate toward Ben and offered him some crab-based sushi. It was creamy and melted in the mouth.