Toxic

"Wow, indeed. Grab another plate if one comes past."

"Sure thing. It's the creamy mouthfeel, I think."

Ben chortled.

"Did I activate the teenage boy within?" I asked, trying not to laugh myself.

"It's not hard!"

"That's what she said."

Both of us were laughing by this stage. I found myself torn. I was attracted to this man, I mean, he seemed amazing, but at the same time, I wasn't sure if I was ready to let someone into my mess of a life. Dawn and I had fallen into a relationship after a drunken hook-up at a party. Troy had really only ever been a fuck buddy, despite me pretending otherwise. It was easier for me to base things around sex rather than form a connection outside the bedroom.

Ben was so easy to talk to, but he had his own baggage, plus a daughter he clearly loved. I wasn't sure of the protocol of actually dating someone and getting to know them, and I wasn't sure if this was what I really wanted.

Sure, I'd seen friends go through similar with varying degrees of success. Troy had been the one to suggest an open relationship as such, and I'd gone along with it, thinking it was the best of both worlds. In my mind, monogamy wasn't for everyone. Yes, I'd had it with Dawn, and it was me suggesting a threesome with a man that saw the end of that relationship, but I never felt it was necessary with Troy.

I often wondered if I would have formed a relationship with Troy if he was open about being married. I'd met men in hotel bars before who told me they were away for business and their wives had encouraged them to have some fun, but I never believed their stories.

My therapist identified I had some narcissistic traits but not an overall narcissistic personality. I liked to believe I looked out for others and could be caring, but a lot of what I had done in my life had been for me. Here I was, eating sushi with a man who also had a past. Who was still hurting, it would seem, but who was also raising a kickass daughter.

Although I rebelled against a lot of societal norms, especially with regard to equality between the sexes, I had to admit to myself that I had used this to cut myself off in many ways.

"Of course, the cows falling from the sky would have scared most people..." Ben smirked, drifting me from my thoughts.

"Sorry?" I had no idea what he had been talking about.

"All good. I could see you drifted off there for a while."

"I've been known to get lost in my thoughts; it's a habit of being alone for so long I think."

"Are you searching for 'the one?'" Ben asked as he lifted an edamame bean to his mouth.

"I don't know if I believe in that sort of thing. Truthfully, though, I'm not sure what I believe in when it comes to relationships. My experiences haven't been exemplary."

"I think we might have that in common." Ben looked unsettled as he watched the plates of food go by.

"Shit, is that the time? I need to let you get back to work and I need to do some more writing. I invited you, so this is my treat, ok?"

"Sure. I'll get the next one." Ben was fine with my suggestion which again surprised me.

The waiter came and tallied up the total, and I walked to the register to pay.

As we climbed into Ben's ute, I could see he was deep in thought.

"So, you think there'll be a next one? Another lunch or something?" I asked as we left the car park.

"Or something..." Ben looked nervous; his fingers white as he gripped the steering wheel. "Look, Gi, I'll be honest. I don't know what I'm after. I've only ever been with one woman in my life and that was a bit of a disaster. I know she was sick, but I suspect my lack of experience may have led to her promiscuity. I know I'm lonely. I have women who pretend to be interested in me, but I find it hard trusting people. I know I'm attracted to you and that you won't put up with any bullshit..."

Ben's openness shouldn't have surprised me. He was usually a man of few words, and yet, here, he had laid out a monologue expressing his greatest fears. Just as he had opened up about Kerri, I realised that we had something special developing.

"I do put up with bullshit sometimes. Well, I did. I'm liking getting to know you. It's not something I've really done a lot of. My world's been turned upside down in the last twelve months. It's not something I've really talked about with a lot of people, but..."

I had been focussing on Reclaim the Night and ignoring that a few days later was the anniversary of Michael's birth and death. I never sought to call a child Michael. It was never near the top of a list of names I would have chosen, yet I did it for Troy and his stories. My therapist had suggested I give him a nickname, but I hadn't done it. I still often just thought of him as my baby, my sweet baby boy.

"Have you got anything on this afternoon?" I asked Ben as we turned into the driveway.

"Nothing urgent."

"I was thinking of heading to the creek. Want to join me?"

"It's where we scattered Kerri's ashes. She liked it there."

"If it's too painful..."

"No, not at all."

Ben drove past the house and parked outside the shack I was staying in. Without a word, we walked towards the creek. Baby lizards, skinks perhaps, scurried from the path, hiding from the sun they had been bathing in. I picked up a small branch and twiddled it in my fingers, grateful to have something to grip onto.

We sat on the large stone. There was room enough for both of us, and for several minutes, we watched the water flowing by.

"My last relationship, if you can call it that, was a bit of a disaster." I started, unable to look at Ben. "It was probably more just fuck buddies, but at the time, I saw it as free and liberating. I ignored all the red flags and missed the fact that he was married with a young family."

"Probably not ideal, unless all parties had agreed."

"Well, he and I had agreed not to be exclusive, but I didn't realise that this was only because he was already married. His wife suspected he was cheating but was too tired with babies at home and all. Anyway, I, um, found myself pregnant. It was his. Twice in the years we were together, I was pregnant. The first time I chose to terminate. It wasn't the right time in my career, and Troy and I hadn't been together long."

Ben didn't say a word and I wondered what was going through his mind.

"The second time was over a year ago. Troy wanted me to terminate again, but I found motherhood appealing. At the eighteen or nineteen-week scan, we found out our baby had major deformities that weren't compatible with life. That's how the doctors termed it. So fucking clinical."

The story of Michael's birth and the subsequent weeks flowed from me, tears streaming down my face. Ben placed his arm around my shoulder, and I sobbed. I grieved for what might have been and how this might impact on any future I might have.

"I don't know if I'm made for monogamy. I don't know if I can do white picket fences and two-point four kids and a dog and soccer practice and all that. I'm scared that I'm too broken for anyone."

Ben still held me. My face was pressed against his chest, and I could smell a pine scent that I suspected came from his deodorant. It was comforting, and different to anything I had ever experienced. Krissy had been there for Michael's birth and the subsequent weeks, but this was different.

"It would appear we both have a bit of a toxic past," Ben murmured as my sobs dissipated and my breathing returned to normal.

"I'm willing to be here as you try and put some pieces back together. It may not go back together as you want, and there may be pieces that won't fit, but you haven't scared me away." Ben spoke soothingly, still holding me.

Eventually, we walked back to the shack together. I had to get to the Reclaim the Night meeting, and Ben needed to check on Lou.

I hoped my face wasn't too puffy as I arrived at Nadia's. I was the last to arrive and was warmly greeted by the other women.

"I was just telling everyone about our fostering," Melanie shared as she gave me a hug. "It's looking like next week we might meet our first child."

"Do you have an age range or anything?" Ingrid asked.

"Not really, but it's likely to be a baby or toddler."

"You and Deb have so much love to give; the child will be fortunate to be with you." I smiled as we sat together on a couch."

Things were in place for the march and rally. So many women had come forward talking about instances where they had felt unsafe after dark. It was sad that this event was still needed.

~*~*~*~*~

The evening of the march I arrived early to help set up. Between the writing and the event, I had not caught up a lot with Ben, but I had enjoyed another family meal at the house during the week.

As a committee, we had prepared plenty of placards for women to march with, but so many women turned up with their own.

'A Ho can say No!' one proudly proclaimed. 'No Means No, but Yes Means Hell Yeah!' said another.

We marched down the main street. Some women blew whistles attracting attention. Others marched in silence. When we got to the park, Nadia took to the makeshift stage and welcomed everyone. She spoke of the power of united women and thanked the men present who were allies.

Deb was the first speaker and spoke of being assaulted leaving work one evening several years before, and how she still walked to her car with her keys between her fingers. Other women spoke of their experiences, one brave woman talking about being mistreated as a sex worker.

The talks finished with a group of women coming forward and in a simple sentence telling of when they felt vulnerable or unsafe at night in the town. I was surprised to see Candice amongst them. She was the last to speak.

"I thought I was safe. I thought my fiancé and friends would protect me. It took another woman to stand up to the men who were threatening me whilst other men stood by and did nothing. I initially believed tonight was unnecessary, but I hope there are some men out there who will stand up to their mates who stand by and think they are good blokes because they wouldn't behave like that. In ignoring crap that is happening to a woman, they are just as complicit."

Everyone was cheering, no one louder than me, and I simply stepped forward and embraced Candice in a hug and told her how proud of her I was.

Melanie, Deb, and I had arranged to get together for dinner after the event. Deb was busy with people greeting her and thanking her for sharing her story, many telling of similar tales.

"Why didn't you speak, Gigi?" Lou and Ben had appeared from behind me, and Lou was being inquisitive again.

"I've had bad things happen to me at night, but not here, and there were lots of other women who had their experiences to share."

"You two should join us for dinner." Melanie was giving Lou a huge hug. "And you, Lady Lou, should spend the weekend with Deb and me. We need help getting ready for our first child to come next week."

"Can I Daddy, please?" Lou had the largest puppy-dog eyes.

"Sure, Pet." Ben looked over at me and smiled.

As we walked toward the burger restaurant where we had agreed to eat, Lou saw her teacher and a friend walking toward us.

"Hey, Mr Daniels. We just went to the Reclaim the Night thing. Were you there?" Lou asked innocently.

"Louise, hi. Yeah, nah. I have better things to do on a Friday evening." Her teacher almost sneered at Ben. "Hi, I'm Lincoln Daniels, you must be the famous Gigi, Lou keeps talking about. She never mentioned how sexy you were though. You should join us for a drink."

This guy was a creep. His mate laughed at his greeting of me, and he refused to let go of my hand.

"Yeah, nah. I'm all good, thanks. I'd rather have dinner with Lou and her family; they're my kind of people. You know, the kind who aren't slimy assholes."

'Geez, mate," Lincoln turned to Ben, "Looks like you need to keep your woman in line."

"What Geraldine is to me is none of your business, and I would never treat a woman as though she was a possession who needed to toe some imaginary line. C'mon ladies, there's burgers waiting for us."

"He's fucking pussy whipped." We heard Lincoln's mate laugh as we walked away.

Deb took Lou to the bathroom when we arrived at the restaurant.

"Are you telling me that imbecile is teaching Lou?" Melanie was furious.

"Can't say I'm happy about it, but at least Lou talks to me about him and some of the stuff he says, and she knows that he doesn't share my values of being a man."

"You're a fucking unicorn, Benjamin Burrows, and I'm just sad my sister—"

"Nah, not a unicorn, just an ally. You've taught me well, Mel."

"I was wondering where some of your views had come from," I said as Lou and Deb returned to the table.

"I'm a bit of a reader. Melanie's directed some good books and articles my way over the last several years. I still have my moments but I am conscious of more now."

"And yet, you still didn't recognise you had Geraldine Golding staying on your farm!"

"Maybe I did, and I was just playing it cool." One side of Ben's mouth rose towards me, and I recognised that I did indeed have a strong attraction to this man, stronger than I had previously allowed myself to admit.

~*~*~*~*~

"Dad's, um, spending the night with Lorraine, and Lou's with her aunts. Want to stop by the house for a nightcap?" Ben and I had walked back to our cars together.

"Lorraine?"

"His bridge friend. Haven't met her yet, but he seems to be quite taken with her."

"A nightcap? What if I want to see your etchings?"

"They may not be very exciting and may show signs of inexperience." Ben looked shy again.

"Nothing wrong with that."

"I, um, may have been a little presumptuous and, um, picked up some, um, supplies."

"Like ropes and chains?" I tried to joke.

"No!" Ben looked shocked, before he whispered, "I meant condoms."

"Ben, I'm sorry. I was joking about the chains. I'll see you at the house." I went to climb into my car. "And hey, enthusiasm makes up for experience, and I'm feeling pretty enthusiastic."

I followed Ben to the farm and parked the car behind his ute. I'd never been an anxious person, but I was nervous about what the night might bring. Sex had usually been a release for me, but I had to acknowledge that what I felt for Ben was more than I had felt for anyone I had slept with for the first, or only, time before.

"Tea?" Ben walked straight into the kitchen and flicked the switch on the kettle.

"Yeah, that would be nice. I, um, well, I thought I'd tell you, the first time I've had sex with a new partner has never been great, in my experience, so, if that's the case with us, don't stress, and we can then get better or something?" My inflection probably failed to hide my nervousness.

"Well," Ben came up and embraced me in a hug, "I've only ever had one first time and it was an epic disaster, so, if I can hold on for more than one thrust I'll count it as an improvement."

"I'm surprised you haven't, you know, since Kerri died."

"You may have noticed I'm inherently shy. I haven't exactly put myself out there, and the only women I tend to meet are through work, and I'm not one to mix the two really."

"That makes sense." Ben was still hugging me. "You hug so well, you know."

I'd removed my boots as I entered the house but was still surprised that the extra height they gave me didn't stop us from fitting together so well as we stood in the kitchen.

"So do you." Ben gripped harder. "I'm sorry Lincoln Daniels was a prick."

"Meh! I've kinda met his type before if you hadn't realised."

"He was right about you being sexy, though."

"I was dressed up for the march and rally, you know!"

"Well, it stirred things in me when I saw you marching past."

"Did it just?" I swayed my hips against his pelvis and could feel things stirring again.

"Do you really want tea?" Ben asked as I pulled my head away from his shoulder and looked into his deep blue eyes.

"Not really, no."

Our first kiss was gentle. Our lips brushed, and I heard Ben inhale a sharp breath. Our second was firmer, with our lips parting and tongues exploring each other. My hands roamed Ben's back and shoulders, so beautifully sculpted from working outside, and he drew my lower body closer to his.

As our lips parted, Ben started kissing all over my face before trailing his lips to my ear, lingering behind it as he inhaled my scent before trailing down my neck. He nipped at it, and I was surprised that he found one of my most sensitive places without me even mentioning it.

My hands were in his sandy hair, wanting to keep his head close to me. Ben only broke his respect of my neck to draw my top over my head. His worship continued as he trailed kisses over my bra-covered breasts, licking and sucking at my pebbled nipples through the lacy cups.

Helping him with the clasp, my breasts were soon free of their confines and his exploration persisted. Licking, kissing, and nipping at my flesh elicited moans from me. He may have claimed to have been inexperienced, but Ben was able to read my body so well.

Gazing deep into my eyes, he lowered the zip on my skirt. I went to undo the buttons on his shirt, but he stopped me, telling me that there was plenty of time for that, and he wanted to worship me first.

With my skirt bunched on the floor, he dropped to his knees, rolled my fishnet tights down my legs, trailing kisses in their wake. I'd not felt so aroused in a very long time. Ben had told me he wanted to worship me, and the respect and adoration he was showing was worthy of any deity.

"You're a goddess." It was as if Ben read my mind.

"Merely mortal, but you make me feel otherwise."

"Tell me if you don't want anything. No means no."

"Unless I say otherwise, it's a hell yeah from me!"

Kisses traced my legs before they landed on my panty-covered mound. There was no way Ben couldn't smell my arousal. Again, looking up into my eyes, he dragged my panties down my legs before standing, reaching for my hand, and leading me to his bedroom.

The room was uncluttered but not stark. A large four-poster bed dominated, draped in navy linens that looked as though no one had slept in it before. A chest of drawers had photos of Lou as a baby, toddler, and, what I assumed, her first day of school, plus a photo of his parents.

Before I could look closer, he had laid me on the bed, and I could see the paintwork on the bed's canopy. Hundreds of stars against a deep blue sky.

Ben lay over me, and again our mouths met briefly before he traced his tongue down my neck, over my breasts, down my stomach, until he reached my folds. The reverence continued with him letting out a sigh as he held me open and gazed upon my core. He didn't speak, simply lowering his tongue to begin its ministry.

My clit was slurped between his lips, his suck pulsing, raising my arousal. My hands again were in his hair, rubbing all over his head, encouraging him on. As if to deny my orgasm, he lowered his mouth, curling his tongue and slipping it inside me, lapping at the juices that flowed. The cyclical nature of his worship crescendoed until there was no way my orgasm could be denied.

I'm sure it hurt when I gripped his hair, my hips rising from the bed, and an almighty scream emanating from deep inside me. A feeling of ignition engulfed my body, the nerves overwhelmed at the sensations Ben had provided with his lips, tongue, and teeth.

Ben was wearing far too many clothes. Again, I reached for the buttons on his shirt, and this time he didn't stop me. A field of sandy blonde curls covered his chest. Our mouths had again fused together, so I traced his chest with my fingertips, tweaking his nipples before trailing them lower.

I broke our kiss as I undid his belt, followed by the buttons of his fly. The evidence of his arousal poked through his boxer briefs, hard with glistening precum on the tip. It wasn't the biggest cock I'd ever seen, but long cocks had hurt me before. I felt like Goldilocks and knew this cock was just right.