Toxic

After lowering Ben's jeans and briefs, I was in no mood to tease as he had done. I simply licked along the underside of his cock before taking the tip into my mouth and lapping at it with my tongue.

"Gi, I won't last." Ben moaned.

"Is it alright if I ride you?" I asked, reaching for a condom from his nightstand.

"As long as you face me." There was a vulnerability in Ben's request, and there was no way I was going to deny it.

With his cock sheathed in latex, I straddled his hips, lowering my body to trap his manhood against his stomach as I leant in for another kiss. As the kisses built, I rocked my body forward until I could feel the head at my entrance before slowly engulfing him in my channel.

The moans that filled the room had nothing on the insects and frogs we could hear outside. I didn't believe in heaven, but the pleasure we were both experiencing was out of this world. A connection had been formed that was more than the joining of our bodies, and again, a fire had been lit inside me.

Ben told me how close he was, and I could feel it. Leaning back to stroke his ball sack, it was Ben's turn to grunt and as he filled the condom. Again, I came undone, my canal convulsing as if to draw it all from him.

We lay together for several minutes before Ben slid me off him and went to the bathroom to dispose of the prophylactic. He returned with a warm washcloth to wipe me down, which he did with tenderness and further reverence.

His arm around me, my leg draped over his, I felt a closeness that didn't need words. Ben's eyes were closed, and soon his breathing settled into a rhythm indicating he was asleep. I wasn't far behind him.

I awoke, still in his arms with him smiling as he looked at me, his eyes full of tenderness.

"Morning." Ben pressed a kiss to my forehead.

"Hey." I smiled back as I stroked his chest.

"You okay?" Ben asked.

"Yeah, I think I am. I wasn't expecting it to be so, um..."

"Beautiful?"

"Incredible! I saw stars and not just above me on the canopy."

"This was Mum and Dad's bed. Kerri painted the canopy for their twenty-fifth anniversary. Dad and I swapped rooms a couple of years ago. He said he wanted to be closer to the bathroom at night. I think this room was full of memories for him, though."

"Has he had any other relationships apart from Lorraine?"

"Not that I know of. He and Mum were really close. Mum had lots of miscarriages and, I know she was sad she couldn't have all the children she wanted."

"Fertility's a strange thing."

Ben led me to the shower. Like the rest of the house, it had not been modernised, but it was a large rose over a claw-footed bathtub. I was able to spend time inspecting Ben's body in the daylight. Having soaped each other up and both of us again experiencing arousal, I dropped to my knees and resumed my oral worship of Ben's cock.

I was in a rhythm, with Ben clearly appreciating my efforts when we heard the door creak open and Lou's voice. "Dad, it's just Melanie and me. I'm getting some of my old books so my sort-of-cousin can have something to read. Dad, are you in the shower? It's like after nine. Did you sleep in?"

"Yes, Pet." Ben mumbled, clearly torn between his arousal and his daughter wanting to talk to him.

"Did you lock the door?" The handle turned, but fortunately, Ben had locked it.

"Um, yes."

"Dad, why's Gigi's car outside?"

I was suppressing a giggle by this stage.

"Have you got what you need?" Melanie's voice could be heard outside the door. "Morning, Ben. Hope you're not wasting water in there."

"Bye Dad. See you tomorrow." The door creaked behind Lou and Melanie.

Our moment had been lost, but was replaced with raucous laughter.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't find this so funny. Thanks for not lying to her." I said as we towelled ourselves off.

"It was a lie of omission, I suppose."

"What are your plans for the weekend?"

"I was going to cook us some breakfast. I, um, had some things to do around here. Not much. You?"

"Well, I was thinking breakfast sounds nice. I'd like to try and distract myself with some writing, and I need to get into town to grab some groceries. Could I cook you dinner at the shack tonight?"

Ben looked deep in thought as he dressed for the day, passing me one of his t-shirts to put on. "Maybe."

"I mean, we don't have to. If last night was a one-off, I'll understand."

"No, not at all. I mean, I like you. I like how you get me to open up more than anyone else, even though it scares me. It's just, the shack..."

"It was Kerri's studio?"

"Yeah, and her fuck pad. It just feels a little dirty, I suppose."

"Dirty doesn't have to be bad," I offered.

"No, I'm not saying we're dirty, even though there's some dirty things I'd love to explore with you..."

"Do you think it's possible to create new memories in the space? I mean, Mr B's obviously done a great job in getting it ready for guests." I hoped I wasn't being too pushy. "I'll pick up supplies, and I'm not meaning ropes and chains, and cook dinner, and we'll see what happens."

"I like that idea." Ben smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.

After breakfast, I said my goodbyes and made my way back to the shack. I'd planned to write, but no words came. I thought back to the march and rally. It was an important event, but it also perpetuated the myth that women were in danger only at night and only from strangers. The reality was women were more at risk from intimate partners, with one woman a week in this country losing her life to family and domestic violence.

I'd talked about this in the book, and went back to re-read my words. My phone's battery had died, so I plugged it in to charge. It soon pinged with a few messages. Melanie simply sent a thumbs-up emoji which made me smile. Candice had messaged to ask if we could catch up during the week.

Candice was a great example that first impressions aren't everything. I was angry that she had had to experience what she did outside the pub bathrooms to understand that things weren't as great as she had believed for women. She had come to the realisation that her beliefs, a lot founded on the mainstream media she was a part of, did not necessarily reflect the reality for many women.

A final text was from Troy. I hadn't heard from him since that dinner with Natalie all those months earlier.

Troy: Oh, babe. Missed you so much. Things are such a mess with the bitch taking me to the cleaners. I need your sweet pussy and your pussy is the sweetest.

It took me everything not to reply, but I simply deleted the message and blocked his number. Sex with him had been great, but there was no connection beyond the physical. I thought back to my night with Ben and how such little was spoken, but the unsaid was communicated through touch and action.

Heading into town for groceries, I stopped at the café near the council chambers where Melanie and I had had lunch.

"Ah, you're Melanie's friend, no?" The barista was an older woman with a permanent smile on her face. A man, I presumed to be her partner, helped behind the counter.

"Yes, I'm Gigi."

"Melanie was in earlier with Louise." The gentleman added. "She's a pretty girl. I hope her father has a decent shotgun for when she's older."

"Why's that?" I pretended to be confused.

"You know, all the boys that will come sniffing. He'll have to beat them off." Both he and his wife were laughing as they looked at each other.

"Is there something wrong with the young men in this town?" I asked as my coffee was handed to me.

"No, just that, she's a pretty young thing..."

"Oh, I thought you were saying that men couldn't control themselves and needed someone else to control them, much like women have been controlled over centuries. Heaven forbid we teach young men how to treat others. Have a great day."

I was glad I'd ordered a take-away and simply walked out of the shop. It angered me that people thought comments like this were funny or witty or good for a laugh. At one of our Reclaim the Night meetings, Meg had complained that she and her husband had tried to raise their sons to respect others, especially women, but they still came out with inappropriate comments.

But still, I thought back to the metaphorical tree I was planting and hoped that it would provide shade well into the future after I was gone.

~*~*~*~*~

"Hey." Ben came around the back of the shack where I was sitting with a glass of wine and a book in hand. "Good book?"

"I don't know if I can admit to that. It's, um, well, it's a spicy romance. He's an alpha male who's trying to go all caveman on her, but she's standing her ground. It's a strange dynamic. Sometimes I like reading about these alpha men. There's a few authors out there who can get the balance right between autonomy and possession. Sorry. Probably more than you were asking for!"

Ben smiled. "All good. How was your day? Get much writing done?"

"No. But that's ok. I was distracted by last night, I think."

"In a good way, I hope."

"Yeah. It surprised me. I didn't come up here looking for anything and I'm not sure what I've found."

"We don't have to label it. Perhaps it's two lonely people enjoying each other's company and having pretty good sex?"

I did enjoy Ben's company. To be honest, I was glad to be distracted in the lead up to the anniversary of Michael, but I also recognised the special bond Ben and I had. I liked how I acted around him and was pleased he had come into my life.

After dinner, I asked Ben to come to bed with me. He was hesitant at first until I slipped my top over my head and showed him that I wasn't wearing a bra. Whereas our night before had been slow and sensual, this was much harder. Ben stood on the edge of the bed I lay on, ploughing into me all while working my clit.

I knew he was full of anger for being in this space, and this was what he needed. After he came, he took care of the condom and came back to bed, drawing me into him.

"I'm sorry if I was too rough." He mumbled into my hair.

"You know I'd tell you if you were, plus, you still helped me come first."

"What can I say, I'm a gentleman at heart."

And that he was. Even though it had come on quickly, I was wondering how I would ever be able to head home and leave Ben, Lou, and this community behind.

~*~*~*~*~

"Come in, I've just got him down." I had arrived at Melanie and Deb's doorstep on Wednesday morning.

A last-minute change had seen them foster a two-month-old boy called Bodhi, who had been in the special care nursery at the hospital, being born addicted to opioids after his mother used throughout her pregnancy.

"I won't stay long, but here, I bought you these." I had found a small bookshop and grabbed some picture books for the child.

It was unclear how long he would be with Melanie and Deb, but his mother had indicated she wasn't interested in raising him.

Deb was in the kitchen boiling the kettle, and I sat in the lounge with them both.

"So why was your car at Ben's Saturday morning?" Melanie asked with a smile.

"Well, when two grown people who haven't had sex in a very long time find themselves in close proximity..." I was trying not to blush.

"So, it was just sex?" Deb asked.

"No, yes. I don't know. It was more than that, but..."

"I've told you before, but he's a very good man. He was too good for my sister." Melanie had placed her arm around her wife.

"I know, but I'm here writing a book and I'm heading back to Melbourne in a couple of months."

"Could you stay?" Deb asked, taking a large sip from her tea.

"I could, I suppose; I mean, I'm not sure if the uni needs any feminist academics or anything. It's not like there's anything else I can do."

Melanie suggested I talk to Nadia. "You know she wants to retire."

Nadia had mentioned this, but I didn't want to assume. Plus, I had Lou to think of. As much as I enjoyed spending time with Ben, I also appreciated the time I spent with Lou. I was still trying to figure myself out. I'd drawn myself as this progressive woman who wasn't monogamous but also wasn't polyamorous as that would have required feelings for other parties.

Ben and I hadn't spoken about expectations. We were clear we didn't want to label what we had. I hoped we were on the same page, but until I could work out what page I was on, I knew this was an impossible dream.

~*~*~*~*~

My editor was thrilled with the chapters I was producing. I had set myself a task of writing the book in six months, and after five, I was almost done. It was just the relationships chapter I couldn't finish. I also wanted something to tie the book together.

"Hi, it's Geraldine Golding here. I saw Poh as a client twelve months ago and was hoping we could arrange a video chat?" I made the call I had been sitting on for weeks.

The receptionist arranged a time for later that week. Things with Ben were good. I had dinner with him, Lou, and Mr B several times per week, often with Lorraine joining us. It was so lovely seeing Mr B happy and content, and Lou loved having the grandmother figure in her life.

Lorraine worked as a librarian at the university and had been divorced for several years after her husband 'left her for a younger model' as she claimed. Her children were grown and living either north or south of us, with her first grandchild on the way. It was lovely to see her interactions with Mr B.

Ben and I were careful to keep our hands to ourselves around Lou, but he told me that his father had smiled and nodded when he came back from an afternoon at the shack with me.

Melanie was busy with Bodhi, and it was clear Lou missed her aunt. She spent more time at the shack after school, which didn't bother me and gave me a distraction from my writing. A few papers had reached out asking for columns which I had willingly penned, glad to be back writing again in a non-book capacity.

"I like how you and Dad are friends," Lou said as we played with Snowdrop one afternoon.

"He's a lovely man."

"He likes you and I think you like him too." Lou threw the stick for her dog.

"I do like him. I like him a lot, actually."

"When you finish your book, are you going back to Melbourne?" Lou asked.

This was the million-dollar question. Ben and I had avoided discussion about what might happen. It was an ever-present elephant.

"Grandad thinks you should stay, and that Dad should ask you to stay."

"Does he just? That's very bold of Grandad."

"I heard him and Dad talking. I'll miss you if you go home."

"I'll miss you too, Pet."

~*~*~*~*~

"Gerry, it's been a while. How's things?" Poh had straight black hair cut into a bob with a prominent fringe. Today she was wearing lime green glasses. I had learnt that the colour of her glasses changed most sessions.

"Good. I'm up in Queensland. I've been writing that book."

Conversation flowed. I talked about the book, how I'd managed the anniversary of Michael's birth and death, and talked about Ben.

"No one can see into the future." Poh counselled. "Living in the present is great and what we should strive to do, but it doesn't stop people from planning."

"There's a part-time position at the uni up here coming up next year."

"Are you wanting to stay?"

"Yes. No. I mean. I want to stay, but I don't want to stay for a man."

We talked about the job that Nadia had all but promised could be mine and how different it would be from my job in Melbourne. We talked more about the book and how the only chapter I was having issues with was the dreaded relationship one. Poh offered great advice and was able to help me see things a little more clearly. Sure, things were still murky, but there were hints of clarity.

Later in the week, more clarity was found after meeting Candice for lunch.

"I quit the paper." She told me, a large smile on her face. "Byron's latched onto one of the other junior female reporters and I couldn't stand by and watch."

"What are you going to do?"

"Smile!"

"Sorry?"

"I've launched my own blog-slash-alternative media venture. I'm calling it Smile, Girl!"

"I love it!"

"I was hoping you might like to come on board. I mean, you can do it from wherever, but perhaps a regular column? I couldn't pay much to begin with, and I'd understand if you say no, but I've lined up some advertisers already, and a few colleagues from uni seem interested in my ideas and would be willing to contribute."

"That is such a great idea. Have you contacted..."

I listed off a stream of businesses I'd had positive dealings with in Melbourne. Candice was getting ready to launch on social media. She had a great business plan, and I was so proud of her.

~*~*~*~*~

"Ben," I stroked his hair as he laid his head on my chest one afternoon after an amazing hour of sex, "I'm thinking of staying and not going back to Melbourne."

"Really?" Ben rose up on an elbow, joy emanating from his eyes.

"There's a position at the uni and Candice has an amazing venture planned she'd like me to be part of. Plus, I know we said we wouldn't label things, but I don't think I could leave what we have."

"Mmm..." Ben replied, a smile on his face.

"I know I've told you about Troy and my so-called openness, and I don't know if I can promise a happily ever after, but I'd like to be happy for now and, who knows, perhaps that could lead to a long-term thing."

"That sounds reasonable. I don't think I'd ever be in a rush to get married again."

"I've been having a few chats with my therapist. She's helped me see things a little more clearly. I was really excited about being Micky's mum."

"Micky now?"

"Yeah. And I'd like Lou to know that we're together, if you're ok with that."

"I like the idea of being together with you. You know Dad was asking when you were moving out of here."

"He's finally had enough of me, has he?"

"Nah. He wants Lorraine and him to move in here and leave Lou and me in the main house."

"Lou seemed to think he wanted me to stay."

"He does. He told me I seem happier with you around. I know it's a strange concept and we build our own happiness, but I do see where he's coming from. I mean, I think you've quickly become my best friend."

I'd met a couple of Ben's mates, both of whom had gone to school with him, but I had never seen them have any sort of conversation that was not about the weather, sugar prices, or football.

"I'd like to think I came with some decent benefits," I joked, snuggling into Ben's chest.

We'd lost track of time and before we knew it, Snowdrop was barking outside. Lou threw the door of the shack open. "Gigi, have you seen Dad? Oh, there you are. Were you two having a nap?"

"Something like that, Pet." Fortunately, we were covered with the doona. "Gigi's decided to stay up here and is going to move up to the house so Grandad and Lorraine can live in here."

"Cool" Lou was bouncing with excitement. "So, is like, Gigi your girlfriend?"

"Well, sort of..." Ben started, "But we're more like partners. We're not rushing out and getting married or anything crazy, but we're together, yes."

Lou threw herself on the bed and engulfed us both in a cuddle. "I came to find you, Dad, to tell you that Mr Daniels won't be my teacher for a while."

"Why's that, Pet?"

"There's a letter from the principal, but he got in trouble over the weekend, and a woman claims he wasn't very nice to her."

"That's sad," I said as Lou lay between us.

"Yeah. Pierce said the woman was probably asking for trouble, and Ms LeCastille told him that he needed to learn to control his actions or something and that just because a woman wears nice things or dresses in a certain way, it doesn't mean men can attack them."

"I like the sound of Ms LeCastille." Ben snuggled in with Lou.

"Pierce said she was a dirty feminist, but I told him that he was a misogynistic prick. I got that right, didn't I, Gigi?"