Transcripts

I watched the clock on the wall above the door, ticking the seconds away, almost three o'clock. Trying to get my mind focused on what I was going to say. This was my first time at a counselling session.

Earlier I had walked here through the peaceful, quite, old part of the town. The weather was warm and sunny as I made my way with my rucksack on my back. I felt nervous and was full of trepidation as I wasn't sure of what to say, I was hoping to find some kind of closure to my problems and finally get these haunted feelings off my mind.

I found the address, a large victorian building down a narrow side street. There was a brass plaque on the wall by the door that listed the businesses that operated from here. Next to each name a button. I studied the plaque momentarily found the name and pressed the buzzer. A woman's voice issued from a speaker. "Can I help you?"

"Yes, good afternoon." I answered. "I'm here to see Jenny Appiah."

The door clicked open. "Please come in." said the voice. I entered into a reception area with a middle aged bespeckled woman behind the counter. "Mr. Jones?" she said, I nodded, "Please go through." Pointing to a door down a corridor. "Last on the left and wait she won't be too long, would you like a coffee or tea?" She asked.

"Coffee, milk, two sugars please." I said.

The room was spacious, neatly decorated, a pair of tan leather armchairs placed either side of a low coffee table. A large, wooden bookcase was on one side of the room, its shelves filled with old hardbacks, volumes on the subjects of psychotherapy and psychology. Next to this a rubber plant. There was a leather couch against the far wall, which looked to me like an examination table that would be found at a general practitioner's surgery. A window with vertical blinds open to the light of day was the only illumination.

I sat down in the chair facing the door, 'never turn your back to a room' is what my Father always used to say. I placed my backpack on the floor between my feet. The door opened and the receptionist came in with a steaming coffee cup and placed it on a coaster on the table. "There you are, milk and two sugars. She will be with you shortly." She said smiling before turning and leaving the room.

As I sipped the hot coffee I thought about what else I could be doing on such a nice afternoon, possibly take a stroll into the town centre, visit my local pub or go for a walk by the canal and stop by the lock, sit and watch the world go by. I always procrastinated, put off what I needed to do. So here I sat sipping coffee and watching the clock. Today had to be the start of a change I needed.

My daydream was interrupted by the door opening, I glanced at the wall clock its hands had reached the top of the hour. On the dot. A short, curvaceous, attractive black woman entered the room, carrying a file tucked under her arm. Smiling at me she placed the file on the table.

"Hi, Tony I'm Jenny. Pleased to meet you". She offered her hand. I stood and leaned over to take her hand. A brief shake, her hand was soft, warm but with a firm grip.

"Good afternoon," I replied matching her smile. "Nice to meet you in person. We have spoken on the phone."

"Nice to put a face to a voice. Have you been waiting long? I see you have a coffee." She asked.

She sat down in the adjacent armchair and crossed her legs adjusting the hem of her knee length black skirt that matched her cherry red blouse. She had her long, braided hair tied back with a pink scrunchie. Almond shaped dark eyes, long lashes, a round, almost cherubic face with a small button nose and full rosy red lips. I was thinking that she looked very attractive but couldn't put an age to her. I thought that she was perhaps mid to late thirties.

"Yes, thankyou, I haven't been waiting too long. I thought I was a bit early." I responded.

She smiled and picked up the file, opening the folder. Looking up at me and said "I'm a qualified sexual therapist and psychologist. This conversation is strictly confidential between us, I hope you understand?" I nodded. "I made some notes from our recent phone conversation. Also the questionnaire that you sent back to me." She paused. "Your situation, is this a physical or an emotional problem that you have?"

"It's both really." I replied. "I'm not in a relationship anymore. I've been single for awhile now, My previous relationship ended and I can't get her out of my head and would like to be able to move on with my life."

"How long has it been since you were together?" She glanced down at her notes. "With Amy?"

"Must be over three years now. Since before the pandemic, although I did see Amy last summer, only as friends when we went to a music festival together." I answered.

"It is good that you are still friends." Jenny said, picking up a pen and making a note. She sat back in her chair and looked over at me seriously. "So can you explain a little more about your past?"

"Ok, I haven't had much experience with members of the opposite sex, with women, not physically before I met Amy." I said looking down for a moment nervously.

"You mean that you were a virgin before you met her?" She asked.

"No I meant to say I had done it before once, slept with someone I mean, but it when I was nineteen, a long time ago." I almost stammered as I answered. Feeling less confident.

"It's ok don't worry or feel bad about it." Jenny gave me a reassuring smile. "So what happened exactly when you slept with this someone.? Do they have a name?"

"Julie, We were seeing each other for a couple of months." I said looking towards the window, sunshine streaming in now. "We met on a night out." I added.

"Was this only the one time that you slept with this Julie?" Jenny inquired. "What exactly happened, how did you feel?"

"Well, we dated for two months but it was just going out for drinks mainly. She was a couple of years older and much more experienced than me." I added. We didn't get much opportunity to have sex, just kissing and cuddling. Until she babysat for a friend one evening and invited me around."

"You still haven't answered my question, what exactly happened while you were together?" She asked. "The details, your feelings?"

"After she had put the little boy to bed it started with a kiss and cuddle on the sofa, we were getting down to it, making out when she stopped me and asked if I had a condom. I had brought a packet earlier from the machine in the gents toilets down the pub."

Jenny asked "You mean you had been drinking that evening?"

"Only a couple of pints to steady the nerves, a bit of Dutch courage." I laughed nervously. "Also thought I should get some condoms, just in case." I replied.

"Please continue." She said glancing at her wrist watch.

"We were kissing and cuddling on the sofa, I had the condoms in my back pocket when she asked. I had my hand up her top, touching her boobs. She then pulled away from me and lifted up her top." I said.

"What was she wearing?" She asked.

I thought back to the night, closed my eyes it was thirty four years since this had happened. "She was wearing a top and leggings, I do remember her black bra and panties." I responded. "She had already kicked off her trainers before she took her top off, I had my hand on her thigh when she took my hand and placed it between her legs, she felt so warm there."

"Did she do anything to you while you touched her?"

"Yes, she unzipped my jeans and put her hand down the front, I was excited, had an erection." I said, Jenny nodded for me to continue." She made all the moves, she started to pull down her leggings, took them off dropping them on the living room carpet, she was quickly just in her underwear." I added.

"Ok, go on." Jenny prompted me. " What happened next?"

"I got up pulled my jeans down and unbuttoned my shirt, she reached out and pulled my shorts down, but giggled when she saw my dick."

"She giggled at your size?" She asked, rubbing her chin with her red painted, long fingernails.

"At the time I thought it was because she was excited." I said. " Afterwards I think that maybe she wasn't too impressed with my size. She did wrap her hand around my dick and I thought she was going to suck me but she didn't. Instead she lowered her panties and pulled me back down towards her on the sofa."

"Ok, continue. She instigated this?"

"Yes she did." I answered. " She removed her panties and spread her legs and pulled me down towards her, I realised that she wanted me to go down and lick her vagina. So yes, I knelt on the floor and went down and kissed her there. I must say she was very wet and tasted good. While I did that she removed her bra, she was naked then."

"Did this turn you on whilst you were eating her out?"

"I was hard and leaking precum, she had her hand on my head running her fingers through my hair." I said. "She was moaning then she stopped me and asked again about the condom, she wanted me inside her."

"Ok, she wanted you to fuck her brains out?" Jenny said, her use of the F word shocked me.

"She wanted that, for me to fuck her, yes. I stopped and took out the packet of condoms out of my jeans pocket, which were on the floor and opened the box, took one out and unwrapped it." I said, feeling slightly awkward about what I was saying.

"How did you feel?"

"I felt excited, I had been waiting for this to happen. My first time." I replied. "Rolled the condom down the length of my dick and knelt back down between her legs. She pulled me towards her and I eased myself inside her, I kissed her lips and had my tongue down her throat. I licked and kissed her neck and then made my way down found her breasts and nipples, which were so prominent I had wanted to suck them for ages. Then I suddenly had a feeling I was coming inside the condom."

"Oh right, so how long did you last?" Jenny asked frowning.

"A minute maybe."

"Premature ejaculation, it happens. Nothing to worry about. Did you continue or did you lose your erection?" She said her finger to her lip.

"I lost my erection almost immediately and Julie pushed me off her, The condom slipped off as i withdrew." I answered feeling embarrassed and looking away out of the window.

"Was she annoyed with you, were you embarrassed?

"She did seem disappointed about it, she put her hand down and found the used condom, 'you came quick' was her response, looking annoyed as she held up the used condom. Said she wanted me to finish her off with my tongue. Some of my semen had leaked and was on her pubic hair, I felt her wet pussy pushed my finger inside her before going back down on her, she tasted different then." I said.

"Did she reach her orgasm while you went down on her?" Jenny inquired.

"Yes she did, she was flushed after I spent about fifteen minutes licking her."

"That is good then." She said. "Did you try again with her?"

"No, I had lost my erection by then. She got up gathering her clothes and headed upstairs to the toilet, she said about the time and I should get dressed."

"Did you stay with her afterwards?"

"When she came back down she was dressed and said I should go as the woman she was babysitting for would be home soon. She picked up the used condom tied it off and handed it to me asking me to dispose of it."

"Ok, did you see her again after?" Jenny asked.

"I went for a drink with her the following weekend but she said she wanted to finish with me, that she didn't think it was working. Her mood was a bit off with me that night."

"She was disappointed with you going by what you say. Was that the last time you saw her?"

Thinking back to those days, I replied "No, I did see her occasionally out in the town. She was usually out with friends and found another boyfriend soon after. Settled down and had a baby with him about a year or so later."

Jenny smiled and said "Ok, so you stayed single afterwards?"

"Yes, although I went for an occasional drink with women I didn't get the opportunity for sex."

"How long was you single for?" Jenny asked. Then added " Did you masturbate yourself often thinking about your time with Julie?"

I thought about what Jenny had asked, pausing for a moment. "Yes, I masturbate often thinking about sex, looking at porn. I was single until I met Amy."

Jenny nodded and glanced at her notes. "Which was ten years ago, You were forty three then?" I nodded in response. "So you spent over twenty odd years on your own, masturbating yourself?"

"Yes." I answered.

"Ok I think maybe the sexual experience you had with Julie was traumatic. She may have said something about your time together to others perhaps? Was that on your mind? Is that what prevented you from forming relationships?" She asked.

"Maybe, I've not thought about it that way. I threw myself into work during that time. I tried not to think about relationships."

"Very well, we'll come back to this matter another time." Jenny leaned forward uncrossing her legs.

I couldn't help noticing how shapely her legs were. My mind was unfocused momentarily. I was imagining what Jenny would look like naked!

"So, how did you meet Amy?" She asked.

"We met online, a dating app." I said. "Something about fishing was what it was called." I said jokingly.

"Oh, I know the one." She said smiling. " I met my partner on there. So what made you go online after so many years alone?"

"Guys at work recommended it, they were always boasting about their conquests. They said it was easy."

"Did you find it easy, any luck?" She asked, picking up her pen to make a note.

"Well yes, I did get to meet with a couple of ladies. Just for drinks but nothing happened." I admitted.

"Why? You're not a bad looking guy really, a little small perhaps. I mean height wise also a bit thin but you're ok. Were you too nervous with women?"

"I was a bit nervous meeting up with them, I didn't know what to say."

"Were these dates one offs?" She inquired.

"Yes, I did stay in contact with one of them, for a few months."

"You met Amy about this time then?" She asked.

"Yes we chatted for awhile, I thought she was different from everyone else."

"What drew you to her in particular?"

"I liked her picture and her profile, she was very open, honest and looked really good looking." I said. "I was excited chatting to her, we soon swapped numbers."

"What exactly did she put on her profile that excited you?" Jenny asked sitting up in her chair.

"She said that she would like to have an open relationship as she was seeing someone who she didn't want to give up." I said. "It wasn't long until we exchanged numbers."

"Ok, so she wasn't single then?"

"No, she was seeing this guy but she admitted that it was just about sex. They only met up to have sex, there was no nights going out. She wanted someone who could take her out who didn't mind sharing her with someone else." I stated, remembering our messages together online. "Someone who wasn't jealous."

"Ok it isn't too unusual these days." Jenny said. "So how long was it before you met in person, Do you have a picture of her?"

"Yes I've got photos on my phone." I stood up and took my smart phone from my trouser pocket, opening up the picture gallery and scrolling through. There were were many and found a suitable picture of the two of us together. "There, that's her." I reached over to Jenny offering her my phone.

She took my phone in her hand and studying the picture. " She looks very nice, reminds me of the actress Liv Tyler, similar perhaps a little bit darker haired and skinned, tall and buxom. She has a gothic look with all those piercings and tattoos. I like her nose and eyebrow studs. Dark complexion is she mixed race?" She asked handing me my phone back and looking me up and down smiling.

"Yes she had Indian grandparents on her father's side, he was originally from Uganda. Her mother is English" I said, putting my phone away and sitting down, quite conscious of being turned on and feeling a dampness in my pants. " She is into the alternative scene, a rock chick, she does look a little like Liv Tyler and is a fan of The Lord of the Rings films, I also thought of Michelle Ryan from Eastenders which is another thing that I liked about her."

"Tell me about the first time that you met up with her." Jenny sat back and stretched her dark skinned legs out. "If you need to go to the toilet and get a tissue I'll understand?" She added with a wide smile, pointing a finger in the direction of my groin.

Embarrassed I looked down. " I'm fine." I said. "It was the beginning of February and was a cold, icy day. We had arranged to meet on a weekday as I had the day off work."

"Ok, why not the weekend, a Saturday?"

"She would see Will at weekends. Will was the guy she was seeing." I replied. " Also she worked in a shop so Saturday was a working day for her some weeks. She was actually working the day we met."

"I see. Which shop was that, whereabouts?"

"She worked in a pharmacy not too far away from where she lived in Milton Keynes."

"Right ok, go on. "How old was she by the way?" Jenny glanced again at her watch.

"She was thirty eight so five years younger than me. We arranged to meet up for a morning coffee. I caught the train as I wasn't driving at the time, it wasn't too far and didn't take too long to travel there." I said.

"She met you at the station?" Jenny asked. "What were your thoughts when you saw her, What was she wearing?

"Instantly found her attractive and easy to get along with, quite chatty. She wore a long coat, a hat and scarf as it was icy." I replied feeling a tingle in my penis as I thought about her that cold February morning ten years ago. I absently minded reached down and readjusted myself without realising, hoping Jenny hadn't noticed.

She had noticed. "Good, now there is a time and place for playing with yourself and it isn't here, not today anyway." She said sternly, "What happened next?"

"Sorry." I apologised, putting my hands on the arms of the chair. "We walked to a cafe and ordered a couple of cups of coffee and sat and talked. Like I said she was chatty, talkative. She talked about her two kids and her three cats, her job, how long she had worked there. Her favourite food, drink, music and TV shows. We had a fair bit in common actually I felt."

"She had children?" Jenny inquired. "What age were they?"

"An eighteen year old son and a sixteen year old daughter, both living at home. The daughter was still at school."

"Did you talk about anything sexual?"

"Yes we did after we left the cafe, we took a walk around the shopping centre." I said. "She talked alot about her ex husband and about this Will who she had been with for over a year, about how difficult it was with him staying over at hers and about him not being very reliable."

"Reliable? Why wasn't he?"

"He had a girlfriend actually, that's why he wasn't so reliable. He wasn't around as often as she would have liked." I answered. " This was why she wanted to date someone else on the side, someone who she could go out with. Who didn't mind that she had a relationship with another man. I explained my situation to her and said that sex wasn't that important for me."

"You told her about your lack of sexual experience?" Jenny asked.

"Well not at first I didn't." I replied "I did say that I would be more than willing just to take her out for drinks or meals maybe see a band."

"Ok, I understand, did you do anything else that day?"

"We walked around a few shops, she liked shopping. We went into a couple of shoe shops as she wanted to look for some boots. She liked a pair of knee length leather boots. She also took me into a lingerie store." I said.

"Really, I bet you loved that?" Jenny said laughing.

I smiled remembering the day. "Yes it was, she was looking at the sexy underwear, I said to her I think that I'm lost in the department store referencing the old Father Ted episode, she laughed and held up this outfit, a body, all in one, see through thing and asked if I thought she would look good wearing it. i was actually lost for words." I said. "Yes, do you wear things like that for your boyfriend? She said yes she always wanted to look extra special and sexy for him."