All Comments on 'Trojan Horse'

That's pretty damn good for a first entry. Will be looking forward to more of your work.

So she did the "coffee with six men" and manipulated Randall. Well played.

I stopped reading when you had the clueless husband do exactly what you hated: BTB and got away scot free.

It starts with the burner phone: you think she is going to leave the goddamn phone out for him to clone it?

You treated the wife like she was a fucking retard despite everything. Why the goddamn fuck didn’t she just divorce hubby and take half his shut? And do t give us the bullshit about greed, you did it so you could write an elaborate revenge.

Let me tell you a little secret about divorce. Do you know why it’s so expensive? BECAUSE IT’S WORTH IT!

Highly unusual storyline. The premise appears to be presented in Arlis's discussion of dating and marriage which is established in both content and conclusion. Consistently accurate insights. The writing is well crafted, the story well told. Thank you very much for sharing this with us.

LWlurker

Fine writing.

Frustrating story. Very flat ending.

Enjoyed this, well done. Loved the 'research' segment, a good laugh to break the heaviness.

A very different view of the human experience. It was well written and gave me pause. I found myself saying YES.

A bit long winded for me. But a good read thanks.

Mighty intelligent and erudite for this site. An absolute 5, a stunning debut. Speaking for myself, I generally prefer first person over third, but desecration makes third seem like first. The writing style here seems somewhat in the dtiverson vein - but different. A beautiful story. Yes, marry a friend.

Many nice word choices but a lot of navel gazing

Liked the BTB and RAAC parodies - those were desperately needed - this category is becoming very formulaic. Didn't mind the plot but you could have cut 10-20% of the extraneous details to improve the flow and pacing of the story. I never understand why the characters in these stories marry the first woman they date after the divorce - I thought he settled for Tricia. All in all though a good first start.

It's intelligently written, but is it anything more than merely clever? I do admire your ambition : first deconstructing the shopworn LW tropes, then rebuilding them into a more flexible, sophisticated, self-aware structure.

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But the LW story at its best gathers its energies from hot, primal sources --- sexual jealousy, feelings of betrayal, rejection, loss. Your story is temperamentally cool, considered, intellectual, and it does go a little meta at times.

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So, I did give it 5 stars. It works as a one-off, but it's a dead end for the genre.

A more grown up version than some written on this site and in this genre. Enjoyable story, I hope we see more from this author.

I gave you 4* for effort, but the overall prose and narrative was a little too "high brow" for me. At first I thought you were doing it as a way to match the style with the initial plot line of academics. Once it persisted beyond the point in Randall's life, I figured out it was just who you are as a writer. Stop doing that - 99% of folks, especially here, don't live in that thin air. Even though I can, it was a distraction that kept me from fully embracing the world you presented to me. Good luck in the future.

Randal is a disappointing main character. He believes himself to be virtuous but is crap.

Very, very good.

I liked this, but have some mixed feelings. You went a bit off the rails in the LW parody section, funny as it was - just a bit too much of the inside-joke, and distracted rather than moved the story forward. I liked the relationship he built at the end.

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Thanks for sharing this. You're clearly a talented writer, and I look forward to reading more of your work!

I feel like this story went no where and delivered nothing

Your story turned into the btb story that you previously made so much fun of.

Much too verbose, prune it back by about 50% and it could be a good story.

The liked the idea of the story, but the overall piece is too convoluted. It needs a strong editor who can provide focus and direction.

Another example of "the writing" being better than "the story". Personally, although I've just finished, there was nothing particularly memorable. Things happened, but in slow motion, and mostly within the MC's head, which is fine if the reader is able to climb in there with him but doesn't work if he can't. Some readers will really appreciate this while others will find it boring. You have talent, so write for the ones who like it and don't waste much energy on those that don't.

This is a GREAT story, with an unheard of magnificence for a first-time posting! 'High-brow' someone opined rather obliquely? Come on... a touch of writing class is never a bad thing! Hell, if you can't read Dashiell Hammett and Dostoevsky without faulting one over the other...

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The moneyshot in this creative, well-conceived and superbly written story: "The Gwens of the world try to configure their lives so that external events and objects force them to do the right thing, but the only way to really get right is to have discipline and love in the heart, neither of which Gwen possessed." Pow!! Everyone knows/had known/will know this woman (or women) before he crosses the Styx!

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THIS paragraph gives us a helluva insight into the writer of this fine piece: "No, the Chinese were. They wanted to make Vietnam a vassal state and rule it through a despotic but highly-efficient bureaucracy. Too bad for them that they did not realize that the Vietnamese Communists were first in favor of Vietnamese independence, and only secondarily Communists. They did as little of their homework as the CIA did." What do I mean by this? Some people are scribes and others are writers. OP is a writer!

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Thanks for posting. This story went to my personal Top-50 of Literotica works! Unheard of for a first work! Keep writing!!! 5+++++++++/5!

Much to long with all the philosophy . 3 stars,

I think there might have been a good story in there but it was just littered pointlessness.

I liked it. It was different, it flowed almost like a medieval romance.

"I'm not really a Christian, more of a Nietzschean," said Tricia, "but I believe in something. Life has too much beauty in it to be godless and for death to be the end." Hmm, maybe it is better to drop the Nietszchean reference. You might have considered your heroine to be an objectivist, and actually, I wondered if this was in the style of The Fountainhead or Atlas Shrugged.

I found the views on love interesting and I marveled at the “purity” of a “love supreme” that the first kiss, one of the best five kisses evah kissed … well as you can guess my skepticism meter went off at the circumstances of that one, but it is your story.

By the way, as for learning squat from books, well I am guessing that someone who doesn’t fit Arlis’ views might be Descartes, who really liked to sleep in ;)

There's a story in here somewhere, though between the pontificating on the one hand and the show-offy digressions on the other, it's hard to find.

Here is my scorecard:

+5 Literacy -- refreshing and not to be taken for granted on this site!

+3 Storytelling -- there's a lot of room for improvement should this writer continue. Hints: show don't tell; try using some dialogue! It's telling that the most interesting character is the MC's grandmother, who only gets a few lines. That's a sign that the other characters are woefully under-developed.

+3 Follow-on relationship trope. Though a few writers here have executed it with good effect, it's a tired cliché of the LW genre that the sympathetic MC must be given solace in a wonderful new love before the story's end. In effect, two stories are spliced together: the cheating, lying and explosive end of Love #1 followed quickly by the MC's rescue by Love #2. Some credit for originality must go to this writer for eschewing the tempting and typical hot sex, instead emphasizing friendship as a better basis for Love #2.

-5 Endorsement of cheating the ex-wife financially in the divorce. It never ceases to amaze me that BTB writers seem to believe that underhanded machinations to impoverish the ex-wife are morally justified by her having strayed from her vows of fidelity. In this story, it's softened a bit by the fact that the ex-wife has a career that makes her economically self-sufficient. But nowhere in the MC's endless moralizing self-justification is there any awareness that two wrongs don't make a right.

Written by a self-righteous narcissist, Marlboroman reincarnated.

A joy to read. Going off on philosophical tangents adds significant depth to the characters and story. It helps turn them into real people.

Too all over the place..2 stars

I enjoy a good BTB as much as the next person. The key to make otherwise-offensive burning actions palatable is to portray the MC as a creature of pure id, reacting unreflectively to the LW's infidelity. The tone is usually comic-book or pulp rather than realistic. The epitome on this site is Not Guilty by Harddaysknight. Another good one is Blood from a Turnip by cpete.

But in this story, more than nineteen thousand earnest, ponderous, hyper-intellectualized words are devoted to building up the MC as a reflective, do-the-right-thing person, only to have him arrive at the disappointing (if not disgusting) conclusion that it's just fine to defraud his cheating wife, leaving her with nothing in the divorce, so long as he is being careful to hide his tracks and avoid jail time.

Three pages too long

Totally Convoluted. switching back and forth is one thing but I had a hard time following.

Started off great, loved the stories he read............but sadly, you decided you couldnt just tell the story and make it interesting anymore and padded the ever lovin shit out of it with way to much useless crap. By the end of page three I was struggling, part way through 4 I just jumped to the end. And didnt even bother reading that.

Sorry you made a meandering mess that went everywhere it didnt have to.

Thought I was getting a 4 star story and while you write very well, you ran it into the ground and garnered a 3 at best. Sorry.

seriously the main character sounded nothing but depressed human being.

story had no clear direction, even though gwen was important character, it felt like reader know nothing about her

& suddenly a conclusion of her life WTF??????????

Well written. It was a bit too philosophical for this site in my opinion. But that does not diminish the writing except, perhaps, for writing for your audience. Or maybe that is just a speech writing thing?

I think your story would benefit with moral ambiguity in your characters. People can be selfish without mental illness. Likewise, good guys always have flaws. I think you could maneuver in that gray morality and create better characters and stories.

I hope you continue writing.

Interesting, didnt care for the LW sarcasm early in the piece, but the story of Randall was a decent one.

Nice.

Speculation is a good way to turn a narrative into a story.

But it has to be done carefully.

Not too much.

Though I felt speculations were a bit to big of this story,

I saw them as well grounded and explained.

Well, except for 'once a cheater, always a cheater'

and BTB fans are grumpy old men.

How are you supposed to ground nonsense like that?

Anyway, this story was unusual for our LW catagorie.

More dept than we're used to.

But I liked it.

I found it interesting, well written and very entertaining.

Top ratings from me.

I have to add myself as someone who will be looking forward to your next story, as I thought this was an exciting first effort !

Just enough sensitivity mixed with some weapons-grade snark witht 2 brief sojurns into both BTB and RAAC scenarios.

Well-planned and well-written.

Liked it, The story is a bit long and could of been better if you would of had an editor, almost 4 stars. Please keep writing.

The review from LPN was spot on. You are a talented writer. The depth of emotion and the reasoned thinking may be waisted on those just looking for salacious entertainment. Please continue to write.

Fantastic.

RSKY

First comment

Re books statement on page 6.

Non fiction books are made to educate and make you think. Maybe do research.

Thinking you are above books because they lead you away from your own preconceived ideas identifies you as dogmatic.

A high brow treatment of a low brow phenomenon; stupid husband and soulless wife. It is predictable that while the stupid husband could not or would not fathom his wife, the wife knew Exactly what she wanted and what she was getting from cucky. His extraction from the marriage was too little, but at least not too late. For someone supposedly so thoughtful this poltroon was deaf dumb and blind when it came to Gwen; who's fault is that? Oh, Gwen was so deceitful, so clever so . . . obnoxiously obvious and predictable. We know this because the cucky husband used her predictability against her, once her behavior Finally forced him to get his head out of her ass. Must have gotten pretty crowed in there when Steve was in residence.

So who do we fault, and who paid a price? Not fucking anyone. Randall served his balls up on a platter and Gwen accepted them. Randall's failure at due diligence and emotional self defense is not Gwen's fault either, he got what he married. Maybe he should have looked a little closer beyond her stunning beauty and her talented vagina? Both Randall and Gwen were much better off after they separated, both ended up happy and content within the limits of their appetites and aptitudes. The only person who really got away with murder (of the marriage) was the Lothario Steven, and we know who's fault that is, wimp.

So what good is the depth of this work when at the bottom we find the same old pile of dim witted cuck shit. It was a good effort, just not worth the wordsmithing. But thanks for the effort. Try again.

Yet Gwen, too, is a carrier of the Divine Spark, or whatever you choose to call it, and this author is too perceptive not to know it. Only she can bring it to full flame. No one can do it for her. But will she?

This story was crazy, but I loved nearly every word. Five stars. More, please.

It was a little too long winded for me although I do admire those who write. Will still be looking for your works in the future. I appreciate your efforts.

I enjoyed the writing until it became more present than the story.

A story above average. Started pretty good. Slow and the characters were well balanced. The wife still had depth. Unfortunately she lost it in the end, became more an airhead. Egoistical, greedy, even a sociopath but stupid? No. Her character went down diametrically with MC‘s development in his debatable alternative divorce plan.

And after all, in a the end it got a bitter taste thinking, not only the villains won but they never were made aware that they were played too. At least the wife had been pissed about the divorce outcome. Steven? Well, he came unscathed. It happens in real life. Also the saying, best revenge is a good lived life… yeah, but… a little pay back makes the cherry on the top.

Just saying

Cheers, Captcha

boring, couldnt get past the second page. way too wordy

I found this story to be almost schizophrenic, in that the beginning had some bitingly funny parts, especially the parodies of the BTB and RAAC genres, then it gradually evolved into an introspective bit of philosophy. The author is intelligent, but I hope they don't let the navel gazing go so deep that it ends up looking out its own ass.

If you are writing a thesis, involved analysis is expected, but if you are writing for entertainment, remember your audience. I look forward to seeing what desecration can do with their inherently obvious literary skills.

Just fucking no.

What???? Fucked up jumble of words!

Really liked your story. Noticed it was your first, Hope you have some more in you.

I procrastinated reading this every time I browse through LW new stories coz I thought this was a cuck story. I finally read it and boy was I wrong I did enjoy it. The philosophy part were mostly informative but the 20% was quite unnecessary. Nice job @desecration.

There was a lot to like about this story, but it failed to establish a real connection with the characters. Part of that, I think, was because I felt like I was always playing catch-up with the story. There was no connectedness (is that a word?) with events as they occurred. The transitions between time periods seemed to get lost, so that from one paragraph to the next, years may have passed but the reader doesn't notice immediately and then needs to pause and say "oh."

I thought the parodies of BTB and RAAC were cute, but interrupted the continuity. They didn't really contribute anything to this story. They were just asides.

I will look forward to your next effort.

Don't be swayed by the armchair quarterback that haunt the LW site. 90 % of them think of themselves as professional commenters, never having written a story.

BTW, I like your sense of humor. Keep writing.

Try to write shorter stuff for your beginning or split stuff in chapters. You are a new writer and writing long stuff is asking readers to invest their time in somebody that could just be writing garbage as 90% of stories on LW are indeed a complete garbage.

What a great story, no bullshit, more of this would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, Steve

Well done. I had a little trouble making out philosophical aside (despite not being uninformed in that area). But I really liked the caricatures of “typical” BTB and RAAC stories and the psychobabble from popular media.

Both stories are excellent, interesting perspective, excellent writing, looking forward to reading more

Excellent. Well written; plot and dialog were weaved, (woven?), together into a near seamless universe. "whenever things get settled, the merchants and bureaucrats take over, dividing up nature and putting price tags on everything, then impoverishing everyone with taxes and insurance until soon the whole society radiates fear." Someone has spent some time actually thinking.

As to the length? I put down books in the middle of a chapter almost every decade. It is not unusual. It's your story to tell as you wish.

Thank you for sharing your talent and skill.

Being longinded does not make an intelligent story, All it does it make a story boring, it certainly didn't add anything to this one.

Not so terrible, I can tell you.

A trifle fallback here and there with gramatic miscalculations.

Keep up

Yawning. Too tangled to hold my interest

There was a good story buried deep,y in the text, unfortunately I had to dig it out.

Too much fluff!

Wonderful read. I agree with as well as share the feelings of commenter CaptFlint. Please continue writing,as I and others enjoy your work. Thank you. LP

I like your style. You might be too intellectual for Lit. Great Story. Thanks for sharing.

You have an exceptional talent for taking a typical premise and making it thought-provoking. I appreciate characters who take responsibility for their own wellbeing. I hope you continue to contribute to Lit.

good story bit arty for me but well written

2*. All about the ending. Sorry but no way does Gwen’s life go in that direction.

Sad when two worlds drift apart, sadder when one party disrespects the other.

Love it..great story and like someone wrote.." a bit intellectual for Lit " . 5* (+)

Hope more storys to come..

You lost me after 4 pages, even then I started skimming at page 2, it just never seemed to get going.

Same main characters as your other 2 stories - flat and emotionless.

Same bullet pointed lists - in one you decided to switch to 1st person (didn't check the other 2).

Maybe reduce the highbrow some and introduce some real gritty emotions and you'd probably be able to pull off a bloody good story. As they stand your stories have the feeling of someone trying to hard to impress and lets be honest, we're all just a bunch of wankers here anyway...

Very fun story. A bit circular and navel-gazing at times, but I loved the relationship and how it evolved at the end. Could have stood a little more BTB tossed Gwen’s way, but if it is true that she is a sociopath, it would be like like hitting a puppy for making a mess hours after the fact: cruel for the beater and a useless “lesson” for the puppy, who doesn’t know what it did to deserve it.

Fascinating story. I love the way you develop things and I love the philosophical bent that you are able to bring to the story.

Erudite and lucid, but too wordy. One hopes for more development of character in the protagonists.

Just a load of gibberish.

Loved it and the perception it created. I will reread it at a later date for the understanding.

Thanks

6 pages of crap⭐️

I think your writing may be TOO good for LIterotica. This was wonderful. 5 Stars and I loved everything about this story.

BTW, I forgot to mention, I loved your take on BTB and RAAC in this story. I laughed my ass off.

I think maybe desecration is the IQ test for commenters.

Too much filler. who cares about his relationship with a parakeet? One star on this one..... boredom rules the day

Good story...

Good story. Lengthy but I thought necessarily so. Gwen got off much too easy. LP

Well, I've read a lot of silly things on this site but this actually made me laugh:

"I'm not really a Christian, more of a Nietzschean," said Tricia . . .

Now, there are a lot of conflicting definitions of what a Nietzschean actually is, but my favorite is "a pretentious psychopath." So, what we might have here is our hero "out of the frying pan and into the fire."

Too long a story with too much delaying & preaching. I started skimming from pg4. He seems to be too unsure of himself. I was also hoping that, at least in hospital, he’d break into the storeroom with camera at the ready & catch Gwen with the doctor instead of playing pussy foot with things

Interesting walk through the light fantastic....and loved the Nietzschean pun.... like the previous commenter said...out of the frying pan into the fire....LMOL 5 stars for the interesting and purposefully convoluted walk through self absorbed anarchy..... which surprisingly enough ends up in a standard middle class suburban icon existence... Methinks I see an author painting word pictures using negative space and innuendo....ie what he says on the surface is more or less irrelevant. The relationship of the seemingly irrelevant symbolic and metaphorical episodes are linked in a dance of layers of partially revealed meaning. I detect that there is a series of substories here that actually tell a tale that is much more interesting than the btb garbage that we normally see. I think one of the keys to unlock this chinese puzzle box is the Nietzschean pun...which transforms this whole story to a rather biting tongue in cheek satire on our current anally self absorbed concept of personal fulfillment. Here instead we see that the dark side suffering MUST be lived through to gain the self discipline to say no to oneself. Only after that is learned at the heart level through said suffering can one move on to reaping the good fruits from the seeds of good actions and self discipline you have sown.

5 stars for a rich and interesting walk through many gardens of inner truth.

1 star - what horrid drivel

Good story! Now get to writing! lolI have to admit here that for each of your stories I have given each 5 Stars. I hope this continues in the future. Thank you!

This author writes of people in the main role of the story are people of character. I like that. It's a good story. One that I'll read again. Tricia/ Arlis has interesting thoughts on courtship/marriage are we putting the horse behind the cart as she is suggesting we do, or has she got things backwards?

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The writing of this story is like a piece of music written for the composer. It's clearly to impress rather than entertain.

I didn’t care for this story upon first reading, however, came back after reading Devil Inside and read it again. I still don’t like the financial stuff in the first half of the story - hubby cut off his nose to spite his face - but I really liked the slow steady romance with Tricia. I also like the Grandmother.

Conceptually, it is a good story.

There are several technical issues, including spelling, grammar, and continuity (last name changes from (Hansen to Larsen on page 4). It is also sometimes difficult to recognize a transition between time or characters. Try using a separator (*** or ~~~) in the future.

Intelligently written and a pleasure to read, inspiring thought and introspection. Thanks much. 5*.

I'm not sure what this is supposed to be but "intellectual maturity" it sure isn't. The satires of BTB and RAAC were a little lame and the pretentious of lines like "That metallic skittering radiated through his future and his past" were difficult to take, but I knew it was time to stop reading when I got to "you'll fall in love out of her quickly." Oh, well, on to another story.

I started off thinking this was a bit too long, and didn’t move well. I also thought that the satires of the LW stories was heavy-handed, but honestly, the way that some of them read, they weren’t too far off.

I thought the way he got out of his first marriage was fairly clever, and while probably too complex to work, was still different enough to be interesting.