All Comments on 'Two Best Friends Cross a Line'

Great first story. Hope there’s more to come (or is that cum)

Can we have a sequel?

I really enjoyed this story.

Such a great story! Keep up the good work.

Great first story. Keep writing!!

This is a really good first effort. I hope you're still writing, even if you're not posting the stories here. Some things that I thought were done well were the back story, the natural storytelling voice as Sam, the believable just friends relationship, and the believable chain of events that led to their relationship changing. I liked that you didn't describe either character in too much physical detail so as not to take the element of imagination away from the reader. I would have found this story sooner had it been posted in First Time or Erotic Coupling. I don't see what the fetish aspect of the story is. There are a few things I want to point out.

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"'If I just wanted to make you feel better I'd do some whole other things to you' Lynn said with a smirk on her face." Smirk doesn't mean what you think it means. From dictionary.com: "What does smirk mean? A smirk is a kind of smile, but it's not a friendly smile—it's often a sarcastic or arrogant one or one that's intended to provoke or irritate the person who sees it. Smirk is also a verb that means to smile in such a way." It has a negative connotation. It's used A LOT on this site, and almost every usage is in error.

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"I saw how her eyes rolled back when I did this" "Her eyes rolled back" "Her eyes rolled back into her head" Sudden onset seizure is another overused trope we'd be better off without. It's cartoonish and something you're most likely to see in porn videos, not real life.

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"She started riding me like crazy. 'Fuck Lynn I had no idea you could do that.'" What exactly is Sam surprised by? That Lynn can have sex with another person while on top? It's a remark that makes the reader wonder if Sam's really had sex with another person before.

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"'You're making me cum if you continue doing that' she screamed." This is another perplexing statement. Cumming is usually the end goal of a hot and heavy sexual encounter. And did she really scream, or was it a shout, yell, moan, or some other vocalization that's more common in real life sex than screaming?

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"Her ass was amazing, the sound of my dick and balls slamming against it was so fucking hot" This gave me pause at the thought of acrobatic balls. When a dude is slamming a sweet lady from behind, his balls are more likely to hit her clit than her ass, seeing as how the balls are swinging under the penis and the lady's butt is over the penis.

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"'I'm commmminngg' Lynn moaned" Show us, don't tell us. It's far more erotic than being told point blank, and, honestly, whenever I see, "I'm cuuummmiiing!" I hear it in Oprah's voice like when she makes a big announcement. That's not a slam on Oprah, but it's probably not what writers envision when they throw that overused trope out for us to roll our eyes at.

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None of these are fatal errors, but at best each of them can take the reader out of the moment and at worst leave the reader with the impression that the writer is not sexually experienced and is drawing inspiration from bad porn. Keep writing!