All Comments on 'Two Weeks Gone'

Such a good story. I think that you should create a series based on sammy and eric and some of their adventures

I liked it, but it was bogged down by a lot of unnecessary dialogue and filler material. You wrote a solid story, maybe an editor to help you whittle it down next time.

Even if I never agree with murder, it was a really successful and well-told story! Maybe they should have turned on the FBI, it would have been good but certainly not so dramatic!

Enjoyable story!

5

Good fun lighthearted story. Glad you stated up front that you did no research because the story is fraught with technical errors so I looked over them. Do need to relook your story before posting though as there are several simple spelling and tense errors that could be corrected. It's a slow day and it beats everything else posted and I enjoyed so I gave it a 5*.

Better ending than the song!

Good story. Everyone needs a sister like Sammi.

While the premise was good, there was way too much filler in it. And many writers will never notice it for themselves, it really slows the story down and makes it rather tedious at times.

Very hokey, a lot of extra dialog. Maybe next time put it away for a while then others for there input and rewrite it. For example you didn't have to write every word between the sheriff and the judge when the lawyer played the recording to the sheriff sitting outside on the bench. The reader already knows the conversation from when the sister recorded it in the hallway. All you had to do was say he played a copy of the recording captured by the sister. Also unless they are mental they don't have a conversation out loud when they are alone. You could have had her call her girl friend to vent about her stupid cohorts. Keep writing and you will get better. Ask for help if you need to. See how other writers you like to read do this in there dialog.

I loved it. Five stars

Vicki charted #1 in early 70s with "The Night The Lights Went out In Georgia"

Reba covered in early 90s. Country charts but not number 1.

That said I thoroughly enjoyed your story. Thanks.

That's some good shit there 5/5

I agree with DetroitRockCity a little, but I do under stand the need for the story to make sense. Still a very good story. 5*

I enjoy your stories and want you to keep writing. This story was, however, mundane. It was all over as soon as Sammi overheard Jolene’s conversation. It can still be fun to see how it goes down, but you already told us that Sammi is a sniper.

The following is offered only in an attempt to be helpful.

Repeating the entire conversation between the sheriff and the judge is a waste of words and the reader’s time.

One scene or conversation is enough to establish that Seth is a sub.

Good story despite that it got corny following the song. By the way, the song was made popular by Vicki Lawrence.

Well done! Loved that ending!!!!!

Female sniper? Is this humor?

That was a whole helluva lot of fun...but after Jolene went over the side, the problem was solved, was it not?

a bit convoluted there just give brother the recordings take it to state police and bam end of story. conspiracy to commit murder is a felony. instead of going around and killing everyone. just makes them as or worse than them seeing as they actually murdered 3 ppl

Your first four comments all praised your story, sorry I can't continue the trend. I got as far as to the end of page 2 and I must admit I struggled to get that far. I often skip to the end to check the comments particularly if I'm not enjoying the story. More often than not other readers agree with my assessment but not this time. Perhaps it's just me, I may well be overly critical. So don't let one adverse comment impair your writing.

I enjoyed the story. Thanks for sharing it.

Good read and very interesting until the setup at the end. It was clumsy and distracting. Although real-life setups can, and probably are, mostly complicated as a story writer it is easier to manipulate events to suit the outcome, I would have expected a cleaner setup keeping Sammi's brother out of it and well alibied! 4* story for me.

Loved it 5 stars agreed it could have been 'shaved' a little. It's a hard thing to do when it's your 'baby.' I don't agree with the murder but on the other hand when it's that personal. All they had in their 'younger years' was each other so that would be natural I guess. It would be fun to read more adventures of Sammi and Eric.

But definitely needed some repeated stuff taken out. Didn't need the full submissive description on Seth, definitely didn't need to repeat the sheriff and judge recorded conversation. Some other minor errors but overall not a bad read, premise and characters not bad either...Thank you for your efforts.

I enjoyed it. My thoughts mirror some of the others but what I really wanna talk about is... the inspiration.

The Night the Lights Went Out In Georgia hit #12 for superstar Reba. However, almost 20 years earlier it hit #1 for the relatively unknown at the time, Vicki Lawrence.

OK. The song was written by Bob Russel and originally recorded by Vicky Lawrence, who happened to be married to Bob Russel. Vicky recorded it because, at the time, no one else would. It was considered too morose. After Vicky recorded it and it hit number one, it was recorded by other artists. If you ask someone who knows the song who recorded it, they will tell you it was Reba Mcentire, not because Vicky didn’t, but because the Reba version is more well known. The Vicky Lawrence recording stopped getting airtime. Nothing against Vicky, but Reba made it the classic it is. I would venture to say that most people wouldn’t even know it was recorded by Vicky without researching it.

I knew someone would research it and put it in the comments, but couldn’t help myself. As much as I liked the song, it always bugged me about the guy getting hanged at the end. Figured I would fix it. Bob, you’re welcome.

never leave situations undone or behind Semper fi, is a code to exist. TK U MLJ LV NV

I was just listening to this song, which by the way was first made famous in 1973 by Vicki Lawrence, and thinking this would make a good story. The only problem with the story in the song was that I couldn't see how they could hang him before the sister could confess. I like your ending better.

Lee was only getting management of the company. The old man still owned it. Why did anyone think his death would cause a windfall other than life insurance?

Also agree with those addressing the total reproduction of two long passages! One sentence and the original speaker saying “Oh, shit!” should suffice.

Also, jumping around on Point of View has its hazards. There is a point where a character is conveying information in conversation (good) then, in the same paragraph, the omniscient narrator jumps in and informs We-The-Readers about that character’s thoughts and plans for the future! WTRs already knew the character was not one of the ’good guys.’ Shoulda just let the future happen ... or be disclosed by the ubiquitous recorders strewn about.

Also agree that the ending was awkward and easily coulda gone South unless too many things went exactly right. That excessively stretches WTRs credulity.

3*

Enjoyed it. Not a big fan of murder as the remedy for marital discourse, but they were plotting to kill her brother and the local law enforcement was bent.

I’ve read all your stories. You write well and it’s easy to put myself into your characters, which means your character development is good. Your story lines are entertaining. Please continue to write. With the barrage of cuck stories being posted (like 60-70%), it’s a treat to find stories like yours.

Real good story except, Jolene's friend Michelle deserved some justice. It sounded like she killed her husband which gave Jolene the idea to kill Lee. That makes for a sequel. I was afraid the ending was going to be like the song this was based on.

"I knew someone would research it and put it in the comments,"

You must be a youngin.

Anyone over 50 knows the Vicki Lawrence version. Didn't have to look it up.

I did have to look up the Reba version. Never heard it. Never heard of it either.

Again that said I liked the story. Didn't have a clue until the line in your story " she's been seeing that Amos boy Seth". Made me smile.

...I think of it as preemptive self defense.

Great story, thanks for writing!

Yes, you could use an editor to fix some small issues, but this was an excellent story! I will have to check out more of your work. Bravo!

Great story, very entertaining like one of the great saddletramp's epics. Sammi was an angel of vengeance on a mission to destroy the threat to her brother. A BAM who was also a scout sniper would be tres formidable. Song was great, story was too. I'm surprised that someone hasn't done this before now. Good job bringing it out.

I AM WELL PAST FIFTY AND THE OLD VICKI LAWRENCE SONG KEPT RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND FOR AT LEAST THE LAST THREE CHAPTERS. IT WAS AN OUTSTANDING STORY! CINCO ESTRELLAS!

'

I love your story. Thank you for it. I enjoy reading it over two days!

Nope, sorry, but half way through the second page I gave up and just skimmed to the end.

The story was a whole lot of nothing by the sister. With all the info she got the first couple of days the story should have involved her telling the brother, going to the Feds and getting everyone prosecuted.

Not involving the brother made his character that of a simpleton, just like the over worded plot. Should have been a 2 to 3 pages the most.

Anyway, thanks for the effort, but didn't Like it as writing.

Interesting.

I think this story is one fine piece of work.

With weak moments.

For me, one of those moments were Sammy's walks.

With her injured leg.

But in spite of weak moments

this story was fun to read.

And a good addition to the interesting a colorful stories

we have in LW catagorie.

For that I give it my top ratings.

Great story! I was half way through before I recognized the players! Very nice rewrite on Bobs song , actually made famous by his then wife Vicki Ann Lawrence! Thank You, really enjoyed this.

Fantastic! Fun twists to an old favorite...

Since I’m a big fan or retribution,

I liked this a lot, simply karma, man.

3 things:

1) I only caught the odd error, grab a copy of Grammarly and that will look after you nicely.

2) You didn't need to repeat the whole recording when Amos listened to it, maybe the opening line and either 'and they listened quietly as he heard the conversation' or 'and he recognised the conversation and listened to see how much had been caught'. Overall with a little tighter writing you might be able to trim back your word count.

3) There were elements in there that reminded me of one of my favourite BTB authors - Saddletramp - they way everything escalated but the right people with the right skills were in the right place. Maybe a collaboration in the future...

Certainly worth 5 stars from me. I like your style and enjoyed that it was over the top. Some of the interactions between Sam and Lee were spot on, especially his last line :)

Thanks

@Xzy89c1

WW2 - Soviet army used female snipers against the Nazis, causing them no end of issues.

2001 - First female to graduate US forces sniper school.

2017 - British SRR - female sniper first to take out a confirmed ISIS terrorist in a war zone (oh the irony).

Jan 2019 - USMC Female lieutenant completes the sniper course.

Women are also now equally able to apply for selection to the SAS, they have to complete the same selection course as the men, but other than that, it's equal ground.

Finland have been accepting women into their special forces for many years now.

Ignorance is bliss, knowledge is empowering

Decent story,but what happened to the sheriff and the judge?.

Great story. Couple open items at the end, but still a really nice read.

While I couldn't give this story 5 stars it was enjoyable. The key is always to have one outstanding woman to balance against the evil bitch. Too many BTB stories treat all the females as either conniving bitches or trophies for the aggrieved husband. I really liked Sammi, good job.

Repeating the the content of the recording verbatim when playing for the sheriff is just useless filler that bogs down the story.

I would suggest deleting it and summing it up in a line or two. After all it was recorded shortly before, so there's no way the reader would have already forgotten the content.

You are the shit ! That story was a very fun read , and was well written , with suspense humor and a kick ass ending ! I loved it !

Well done. Interesting read, but I struggle to think that the brother is that stupid across the board. If he had a Master's from Tech and managed to get it together after his parents died he's not weak willed either. He seems like a pansy and a stupid pansy at that with the whole running down to kill someone when it would be completely obvious. He's not that stupid. Otherwise it was a solid read.

This was a fabulous set up, laid out beautifully! Focused on the sicko love triad of Jolene/Seth/Andy and how sis Sammi (w/helpmate Eric) protects mostly-absentee bro Lee! It skips along nicely until people started dying! Then it gets sloppy! Suddenly the different threads of the tale became tripwires that had everyone stumbling. Two antagonists go down. The third is still around when Lee shows up. Sammi & Eric do not sufficiently corral Lee, who gets loose (unnecessarily) to go aft #3 and becomes a faux suspect. No prob, Sammi has her trusty mini-recorder and conveniently captures corruption & collusion betwixt sheriff & judge. But wait, the sheriff has not even discovered his dead son as yet, but is setting up Lee? While interesting, this was a messy add-on that diverted the storyline from a more careful denouement of how Lee learns of Jolene's betrayal--and how Sammi & Eric stay out of suspicion. / BTW, no one ever finds Jolene's body? Sammi never tells Lee that his wife planned to have him killed? No one even knows that Sammi & Eric are Marine snipers? (Until Lee does at very end?) / Still, I gave it a full 5; this was good stuff to be free on Lit!

Too fucking wordy for my taste. I finally gave up on the story.

Except for that I liked the story. Possibly just a preference thing, but more likely the author needs to edit half the story out.

Lol funny...i liked it

A most excellent story! Good plot development, believable characters, and a great closure.

I do have to laugh my ass off with some of the comments. For a lot of commenters the stories are too short/too long, too much/not enough backstory, etc. While this may hold true for some writers, for the most part it's a fair balance that make the reading enjoyably. And it's the writer's prerogative to show their work in their way. It's the readers prerogative to read or not to read.

Rarely do I see stories that are universally panned, and those usually do deserve to be put down, which will hopefully lead the author to review and improve.

Witty, a fun story that brought all the small town hypocrisy to light.

5 Stars on this one .. I have had Problems with small town police .. I filed a complaint and it disappeared from the Sheriffs department .. The Head Sheriff thought it was funny .. When He died I Pissed on his Grave .

Very well written story nicely done in great character development.

Although I would urge you not to cut and paste a prior dialog simply to make the point the same conversation occurred again

It's a lazy writer's crutch and you're so good you don't need to devolve that kind of technique.

If that beside fancy has to destroy thank you so much for running it.

Great story ever the second time around!

Bill S.

Excellent story worth 25 stars but instead will have to give you 5 BIG STARS! Now I will have to read the rest of your stories and ask, "Where are you?" Your last post was 8 months ago! Has the Quarantine got you all hemmed up the in N.J? Move to Oregon!

Excellent 5 star Story!

Well glad he didn't get hung for what his little sister did ;)

The sniper part is silly. The spotter is the more valuable part of a sniper team and can easily take any shots. There are no female marine snipers. Probably never will be unless standards are reduced. Lucky she was one who got shot as she could not have evacuated the man.

Nice job and yes enjoyed the play on words from the song added some good humor to the story funny stuff

Not bad. Could have been better. I may have missed it did they ever find Jolene Cooper body.

Another really good story, keep them coming.

5🌟's

Good job with the song twist, glad that you use your imagination. Keep writing, your getting there.

Thanks KS

God i wish there was another part to this lol

When you play a recording of a conversation that the readers heard the 1st time, you don’t need to repeat the whole thing again. Just tell us you played the tape, we know it was recorded and we know he was given it

Good story. Some loose ends. Seems to me a blind search party would have found Jolene's body and you left out some of the details, but, all in all, a good effort.

Actually it was vicki lawrence who 1st released the song.

Excellent!

Great fun. All the right people get burned.

Would have liked to hear about the discovery of Seth's body and the fate of the Judge and Sheriff.

mfj

The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia...interesting take. Vicki Lawrence released it in 1972.

This version had a much better ending...

One of the best things i have read on here thank you so much 5 stars for you goren stuff was an interesting touch

This started as a great story but then...

Shamelessly used the same 2 passages for filler -LAZYY.

Too many pages by 90% of sick DOM-SUB tripe. [Parenthetically, is that a true reflection your life?] Just plain sick.

The song motifs was VERY clever and nicely done. But, again, you love of Dom-Sub sank it for me. To bad.

... if you didn't like it, stfu and move on to something else.

Don't hide behind your Anonymity to piss and moan.

Better yet, why don't YOU write a story.

Somehow I doubt that you have the talent.

Great idea Cheat with a Married women . I have met a lot of Good Service Men and Women . To them I have the utmost respect . To the Losers that bring Shame to the Service and to our Country I have no use for them .

I like stories with a southern theme...

Nice plot. These plot worthy stories are very rare around here. It seems most of the stories on LW are regurgitated garbage and moralizing.

I give it a 5 for the conversation with Jen and Lee finding out his sister was a sniper.... perfect

Loved the last part. i lied to my mom for 6 months when i went to afghanistan.

Great story.

The very end was amazing!

This was a retelling of the song "That's the night the lights went out in Georgia". Still a decent story

As soon as he flagged down the sherriff, I knew it was "The Night the lights went out in Georgia" I didn't know Reba sang it too, I've only heard the Vicki Lawrence version from 1972. 5 stars.

That was really a fun read, I like the way Jolene got hers.😂

Well Kilty11 what can I say. Just finished reading all of your stories, All good. Loved Dancing which I don't! and Two weeks gone which I have just finished. I seriously hope you keep writing as your talent would be seriously missed by a lot of readers. Thank you very much for your stories. Mel B known as Hornydevil47

Sorry forgot to say. This is definitely in my favourites.

and michelle?

Almost perfect. I’m always disappointed when people have leverage on corrupt government officials, and they agree to cover it up for what they want. That’s so foolish. Just release the recording to everyone, and get the sheriff and judge arrested and put in prison. That way not only does the brother get ready from jail, he gets a lawsuit against the sheriff, judge, county, and state!

ZK

If Sis had been in the vehicle pool, she woulda seen a jack as the murder weapon. The ball of yarn started coming unrolling pretty early. The problem of taking out Sweetie and Seth without making sure Andy wasn’t in surgery at the hospital for a ruptured appendix, then 3 days recovery was never addressed. Then Big Bro has to go to (The Late) Andy’s with a .22 and get powder-burns on himself by alerting the sheriff. And then making sure the Dad Sheriff and the county judge are sitting in the right place as they discuss there secrets for Sis to record at the other end of the 2 tin cans and a taut string.

Mystery … was it Sis or Eric who used one of the three Barrett .50BMGs to make sure Andy didn’t go to Ole Sparky or lethal injection? Probably Sis, since Eric is a spotter! And WHY?

3* Sometimes (a LOT of) Luck is better than a Good Plan!

ps The wrong hill in Afghanistan is very unlikely to host a real (800 yard) sniper.

I agree with Lickideezplit let the recordings loose . Then sue everyone for everything they have . I do disagree with lickideesplit on the 800 yards apart mountains . All of Afghanistan is mountains . But for some reason the coffee i got use to and learned to drink it . Finding a flat spot in the sandbox of Afghanistan is like finding a 40 year old Virgin who is pretty

Was the wife’s body ever found or did she really high tail it out of town.

For those who might doubt whether a Woman Marine could shoot like that, the Range Record for Recruits at MCRD Parris Island was for years, and maybe still is, held by a Woman Marine Recruit who shot a 248/250. That was with open sights, not the fancy optics they use today.

Props for Sammi killing Jolene without a sluggish in her body. It still seems like the body would wash into the river and be found downstream.

Vicki Lawrence sang 'When rhe lights go out in Georgia ' in the 70s.

Darn good story. Great twist at the end.

2 stars. Important loose ends: Michelle, sheriff, judge, 1st lawyer.

So much for Sam and Eric's sense of justice.

5 stars. Story flowed nicely: Follow up to what happened to sherriff judge is needed.

Sam and Eric have a strong sene of justice and used it nicely.

Revenge and a little sister. Good story