U-N-I Ch. 17

"Damien, I can't," I said, forcing his hand away, "it's just not right."

He looked at my lips. I could tell he wanted to feel them against his again.

"I just can't win," he said with a hurt smile, taking a step back.

"No. You've got all these feelings for me...you know you want more than just sex."

"I'll settle for that right now," he breathed.

"Stop it. I don't love you," I told him resolutely.

"You could love me," he insisted, staring into my eyes.

I stared back,

"No! I know what it's like to be in love."

"Come on, it's obvious things aren't great with him right now."

"That doesn't make it ok to be with someone else, especially you of all people. I've told you, what's going on with him is none of your business. Don't think you know anything about our relationship."

He sighed and I rebuttoned my shirt as I began saying, not really trying to let him down easy anymore,

"Do you even realise what you're asking me?... You're asking me to give up my whole life for you. My career, my friends, my boyfriend of nine years...I can't do that to him. I won't."

He looked down, not wanting to hear that. He was all too aware of the implication that having a relationship with him would have on my career. This just could not possibly work without me walking away from the band, something I had no intention of doing...ever.

"You know this can't happen. Maybe it could if I was hopelessly in love with you, but that's not the case," I said resolutely, "Fuck, get a life. Stop being so hung up on me. Just move on. You have to stop hoping that we could have some sort of relationship together. You know I'd just end up breaking your heart. I don't want that drama in my life. I just want to play music with my friends, be with my boyfriend, travel, enjoy life. That's the life I've worked for. That's the life I want."

He stared at me, and I stared back, trying to see if he was finally giving up, he moved closer to me again and rested his hand on my face, caressing my cheek. Slowly, I reached my hand up and placed it over his own. Gently, he pulled my hand toward his mouth and kissed it, causing the hairs on my arm to stand up.

"Damien," I said firmly and pulled my hand away. "I can't, I'm sorry."

He let out a sigh and gently brought his lips to mine. It didn't feel like a passionate 'I want to rip your clothes off and make love to you' kinda kiss but more like a 'let me kiss you one last time' kiss. So, I just let him. He placed his hands over my ears as he pressed his lips against mine and we kissed. When he pulled back, he looked into my eyes, hurt and demoralized,

"Have a nice life. I really hope he makes you happy."

I looked away and just stared into space as he walked out of the bathroom, leaving the door open.

"Fuck," I breathed. I felt a wave of relief wash over me and passed my hands over my face.

I felt so bad for him. I could only imagine how heartbroken I'd feel if Rob was telling me what I'd just told him. I knew I had done the right thing but I felt horrible. I stayed there and tried to compose myself. Suddenly, the twink from the party walked in and closed the door loudly behind him.

I jumped,

"Jesus, you startled me."

"Bit jumpy, aren't we?" he laughed.

He began running the water and washed a spot on his shirt.

"I spilled coke on my shirt," he chuckled.

My mind seemed to only hear the sound of the running water as I played over what had just happened in my head and wondered if I could have done anything differently.

"Hey, are you alright?" he asked, and I realized he had already asked me this once.

"Yeah," I replied, slightly startled.

I knew he had to be here because Jordan had asked him to check up on me and Damien but I added in an attempt to make him leave,

"You know there's a bathroom downstairs?"

"Busy," he said before turning to me, "that's not cool to leave you like that," he said and pointed at my crotch, amused.

I wasn't fully hard but from his angle, there must have been a noticeable bulge in my pants.

"Do you need some help with that?" he asked as he came closer to me and placed his hand over my crotch.

"I'm good," I replied, my mind still fuzzy, "Aren't you a bit too young for me?"

He frowned,

"Really? What's with the age bullshit? I'm not twelve and you're not exactly forty!"

"Yeah, whatever," I mumbled, my tone indicating I wasn't interested in flirting with him.

"Let me know when you change your mind," he smiled and stumbled cheerfully out of the bathroom.

I huffed and thought to myself that this party was slowly turning into a test of my faithfulness to Rob that I really wasn't sure I'd pass. After a moment, I headed down the stairs and immediately got myself a vodka and coke. Everyone was dancing and had grown louder with alcohol. I decided I was done being serious. It was time to let go a little, just like everyone else.

"He just left..., how'd it go?" Jordan said as he came up behind me.

I shrugged,

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Fine!... So? Shall we get you wasted now?" he asked with a grin as he saw the drink I had made for myself.

I laughed,

"Let's!"

He got himself the same drink and we clicked our glasses and toasted to something stupid (me having to throw up before the end of the night) before gulping it down. We joined the party and started dancing again with the same group of hot chicks as before. I could immediately see that Jordan would just have to take a pick between them as they all seemed to be more than willing to have sex with him, although he seemed to have already set his sights on one.

It didn't take me long to lose my inhibitions and to start having fun. I kept refilling my glass and soon I began to feel the effects of alcohol on my body since I wasn't normally a really big drinker. I wasn't wasted yet but I was pretty drunk.

After dancing for quite a while, I poured myself yet another drink and walked out onto the balcony to breathe some fresh air and finally sat on one of the bar stools Jimmy had placed there. I was immediately joined by the gay boy. He had never been very far from me since the party had started, and I hadn't tried to avoid him either.

"Feeling better?" he asked.

"Yeah, I guess," I smiled.

"Nothing a few drinks can't fix." he said with a chuckle. "Who was the guy in the bathroom earlier?" he asked with curiosity. "Isn't you rock star boyfriend good enough for you?"

"Complicated," I said, rolling my eyes, "So, how do you know Jimmy?" I asked to change the subject.

"I don't," he answered, "I came with my sister. She knows I love these kinds of parties where a few celebrities might show up!"

I smiled at him and he started talking to me about our music, the songs he liked, the artists he liked and all the concerts he'd been to and I just let him talk, sometimes sharing a few anecdotes with him.

"How about another one of those?" he asked after we'd been talking for a while.

"What the hell!" I replied.

I began to stand up, which of course is the moment of truth when you've been drinking, and I almost immediately stumbled. Before I knew it, I was bracing myself by holding onto his thighs. They felt hard inside the tight jeans he was wearing. I looked up to him as if to say, yeah I'm wasted. He nodded in recognition, his eyes definitely sparkling, and he looked like he would have liked me to lean in to kiss his full, well-formed lips. He put his hand on my arm to keep himself steady as he stood up as well and we made our way to the bar.

For a brief moment, I tried to think about why I was drinking heavily. I wanted to think it was just for fun, which was the excuse Rob would always give me, but I knew I was trying to numb myself from feeling depressed because of what was going on with Rob and what had happened with Damien and in some weird way, I wanted to feel what Rob had been feeling. I knew he had been doing it for similar reasons, because he had felt sad and overwhelmed by everything that was going on around him and had felt like he was losing control.

Mixed with these thoughts were now thoughts of that twink. Images of the looks he had been giving me, remembering the feeling of his thighs, he wasn't my type but he was still pretty hot. I was horny from all the attention I kept getting and at that moment, my half boner was a pretty good indication that I might not say no to a blowjob or something if the opportunity presented itself. I wasn't really considering fucking him but I felt like I was drunk enough to make a bad decision.

We got back to the dancefloor and started dancing together and doing a bit of grinding and as I felt his crotch rub up against mine, my half boner got rock solid. He obviously noticed, pulled me closer to him and said in my ear,

"You wanna fuck?"

I looked into his eyes, smiled and found myself telling him to follow me upstairs.

A few moments later, we were in my bedroom. He didn't lose any time and immediately undid my belt buckle and pushed his hand into my jeans. I moaned as he rubbed his hand up and down my shaft. I reached down as well and was greeted by a raging hard on. He was already leaking through his boxer-briefs and they were completely wet. I slipped my hands into his underwear and he leaned into me as I grabbed his butt cheeks, amazed with how they felt, smooth, firm and creamy. I let go of his ass and removed my shirt first. He attacked my neck with his lips and pressed his hands against my pectoral muscles.

"You're hot as fuck!" he whispered.

He began kissing his way down my chest and I pressed my hands over the top of his head and guided him downwards until he was kneeling in front of me. He understood I wanted a blowjob from him. He quickly pulled my underwear down to my ankles and his eyes lit up when he had the full realization of what was in front of him. He suddenly looked like he hadn't eaten in a week. He lightly pressed his face into the crease where my pelvis met my leg and he kissed my skin, my cock against his cheek. Then he moved lower, his tongue reaching out to lap at my sack. He took my balls in his mouth, causing my cock to throb and began licking at the base before his tongue made its way up and over it.

I gasped a bit as he took the head in his mouth, his tongue running around it. My hands began running through his blond hair and he took me deeper and deeper, wanting to get as much of my cock in his mouth as he could. He energetically began to move back and forth quickly and his hands caressed my chest or my ass.

After a short moment, we made our way closer to the bed and I sat on the edge as he, once again, took my cock in his mouth. I sighed and enjoyed the feeling. It felt like it had been so long since I had been touched down there. It had almost become an unfamiliar sensation. My mind was temporarily devoid of any thoughts of where I was and the fact that I shouldn't be doing what I was doing.

"Oh yeah," I moaned as I felt his nose against my short pubes, he deepthroated me a few times and I could tell he was enjoying himself.

Since I had been feeling like I was on the brink of cumming for the past week, I knew that I wasn't going to be able to last long at all. I wanted it too much, and had gone without for too long. I tilted my head back, lowered my hips a little and started rocking them up and down, slowly fucking his face. He was moaning and I opened my eyes to watch his hands withdraw his penis. It certainly wasn't huge, but it was perhaps one of the prettiest ones I had ever seen. Light blond pubes poked out of his shorts as he pulled on his cock and played with his balls. I closed my eyes, again, giving myself up the sensations I was feeling. I knew that guilt would quickly be following from behind, so I tried to just fully enjoy it.

The need in me was rising rapidly,

"Fuck," I whimpered, my eyes still closed, "I'm close."

He increased the speed of his mouth on my cock and before long, I couldn't hold back anymore. Giving a low and loud guttural groan, I started to shoot into his mouth, and I could tell he had no intention of stopping. I could feel the cum rip through my cock, the pleasure a lot more intense than I had expected. He was making all kinds of sounds that only made me cum harder. I just kept pumping into him. I guess what I was saving for Rob, he ended up getting it all.

I watched him finish swallowing my load before he stood up and looked into my eyes. His eyes were full of lust. He took my hand and wrapped it around his cock, stroking himself with it. I guess he knew I wouldn't be fucking him, but he wanted to get off and I was not going to leave him like that. I stood up as well and he said,

"Man, was that normal or were you really storing up?" he laughed.

First, I decided I didn't really need to answer that but ended up saying,

"I guess you got all that I was saving for my rock star boyfriend."

He smiled and I savored the feeling of his wet cock slipping up and down my hand. He let go of my hand, content to let me do the stroking on my own.

"I'll take this as a compliment," he replied.

He pressed himself tightly against me and moaned,

"Faster."

He nuzzled his face into my chest as I jerked him hard against me, he started to moan louder and soon after, cum shot out of his pretty dick, splashing my thigh and falling into the floor. He held onto me as he came, pulling my face to his and kissing my neck. After he had calmed down he smiled at me and told me how great I was, although in all fairness, I really hadn't done anything. I felt like I had only used him. I returned the compliment though and he leaned over and kissed me hesitantly, then set about getting dressed. I went to grab a tissue for my thigh, then I got dressed too and noticed that he looked completely content.

"We better go back to the party before my sister starts noticing I've disappeared," he said.

We headed back down the stairs and I tried not to overthink what I'd just done, because I knew it would make me hate myself a little. I hadn't gone too far with Damien, but I had gone too far nonetheless. I wanted to think the alcohol was partly responsible for my actions but if I was completely honest with myself, I wasn't drunk to the point that I didn't know what I was doing. In some twisted way, I was kinda hoping that Rob might have done something similar, so he wouldn't hold it against me. I knew I'd tell him and that he wouldn't make a big deal out of it, but I still felt guilty for doing it considering I could have just beaten myself off in the bathroom. I didn't need to use that some twink's mouth to get off.

The party lasted for another couple of hours and once everyone had left, I surveyed the disaster, glad this wasn't my place. Thankfully, someone was going to come by the next day to clean it up and we didn't have to touch anything. At that moment, I had no intention.

I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. Then I flopped myself onto my bed and before passing out, I wondered what I was going to think about all of this the folowing day.

----

As it turned out, I didn't think much of it when I woke up and quickly decided to forget about Damien, to forget about the blowjob and to just focus on more important things. I spent the day trying to get rid of my hangover and I began packing.

Jordan and I left New York on Monday evening and landed in Dublin early on Tuesday morning. We went to stay with his parents. I liked them a lot. I had spent countless hours hanging out with him at his house as a kid and they were kinda family to me. In fact, I knew that if I had knocked on his door instead of Rob's, which had happened a few times, I would have found the same support. Jordan's mother was glad to have him back (as much as she was trying to hide it from him) and she was also thrilled to have me around for a few days.

I went to see Rob's mother and we spent an entire afternoon talking about what was going on with him. She thanked me for making him go to the rehab center. Spending time with him in London, she had noticed that even though he wasn't exactly addicted to anything, he might be in the future because something was definitely wrong with him. Just like me, she had seen how he was shutting himself off, how he wasn't his normal cheerful self. I told her that I was worried because pretty much everything he used to do with a lot of enthusiasm seemed to have become a chore and that he just seemed to be sad most of the time. He had talked to her about that but he couldn't quite explain or understand why he was feeling the way he was feeling and he needed therapists to help him.

Once in Dublin, I wanted to call him all the time. I wasn't alone anymore but I was still lonely. I realized they were two different feelings. He was just a phone call away, and yet he wasn't. I felt guilty for what I had done and I didn't know if I wanted to tell him yet. Because Jane had told me I knew he had just started the program in L.A and I wanted to give him some time to work on his issues and figure out his own head. He hadn't called me either, and I wasn't sure why but I knew that the therapists didn't really allow communication with the outside world in the beginning. All I knew was that I didn't want my calling him to make him want to give it all up. I didn't want to have to convince him again that he had to do this, for him, for us, for our career... but I was feeling an aching in my heart to be with him.

With Jane I had also talked about my mother. She had persuaded me to go talk to her again. So, on Saturday morning, I stood in front of my childhood home, surprisingly calm and serene, finally ready to do this, ready to forgive and forget I supposed.

For a moment, I looked at Rob's old house next door. Apart from a few details, it didn't look much different and I smiled to myself as so many memories from our childhood and teenage years came flashing back. I thought that no matter how the conversation with my mother went, I'd feel the need to call Rob and tell him about it. At that instant, he was very much on my mind and I was missing him like crazy.

"Let's go?" Amy asked to get my attention.

I looked at her and smiled,

"Yeah," I just answered.

We walked up to the front door and she rang the doorbell a couple of times. Our mother opened the door almost instantly. She first looked at Amy and then, slowly, she looked at me and stared, unable to talk. I looked away for a brief second and then stared back at her, quickly noticing everything that was different about her because she was seven years older. Somehow, she didn't look as strict and uptight as I remembered. She swallowed hard and I could tell she was fighting back tears.

"I'm glad you're here," she said as she cautiously laid her hand on mine "come inside."