U-N-I Ch. 19

"Yeah, I'm fine," he murmured and I could tell from the tone of his voice that he was smiling a little, "I just really wanted to talk to you."

"Are you still in Dublin?" I asked, still concerned.

"Yeah," he simply answered; it sounded like he wanted to add something so I didn't speak.

"Look," he spoke with a soft sigh, "I know you just got there, and I don't want to mess up what you've started working on... but I just... really miss you..." he said in a trembling voice, "It's so good to hear your voice."

I didn't know if it was because his message had worried me, or because of the emotion in his voice, but I could feel my eyes welling up with tears. I swallowed a lump in my throat,

"I miss you too, so much."

"Hey, don't cry," he said, almost on the verge of tears himself, I took a moment to compose myself, "My god," I said with a sigh, "It feels like I haven't seen you in months."

"Yeah, I know baby," he responded, "It's hard for me too...but I'm so glad that you decided to go."

My lips curled into a small smile,

"You were waiting for me to come here before calling me, weren't you?"

He breathed out,

"It took you for-ever," he said in a fake frustrated manner.

I let out a small laugh,

"I didn't think you'd stay mad at me for this long. I was hoping you'd miss me and come home."

"Oh, I know -- and I almost did," he said with a more relaxed voice.

"Damn! You mean, I came here too soon?" I exclaimed jokingly.

He chuckled.

"Shut up! I'm not saying I would've caved. I'm usually a lot more stubborn than you are!"

"Well, I was fuckin' angry with you!"

After a few seconds, he asked, uncertain,

"Are you still?"

"I dunno, I guess not," I responded. "What made you think you could be without me for so long, huh?"

He seemed to think about it,

"I figured I'd just have to jerk off a lot," he said, half-jokingly.

"Asshole."

He chuckled,

"If you think you were angry with me, trust me, that was nothing compared to how mad I was at you. I wasn't gonna watch you turn into a cokehead."

"It was just once!" I half-exclaimed, knowing very well he wasn't being fooled by my pathetic attempts at making people think that I wouldn't have tried again.

"I don't give a shit how many times it was," he said very calmly. "It was still one too many. You would've done it again, just admit it."

I sighed and decided it was time to be totally honest with myself...and with him,

"Fine, I would have."

"Thank you."

"You know, it really was Jordan's idea. Why aren't you more mad at him?"

"Because it's Jordan," he simply answered.

"So? He does the same stupid shit as I do! But he always gets away with it," I complained jokingly.

He sniggered,

"Well, maybe I don't worry about him as much as I have to worry about you... or maybe I don't love him as much as I love you."

"Oh, please," I said, knowing that although he didn't love him romantically, as a friend, he loved him just the same.

"I don't know. It's just that when Jordan says that he won't do it again, I know that he won't do it again."

I smirked, although he couldn't see it,

"Alright, I get your point."

After a pause, he added apologetically,

"I'm sorry I was a jerk and left you to deal with your problems alone."

There was sincerity in his voice. He'd do it again for sure if he had to but he genuinely felt bad for forcing me to do something I didn't want to do.

"Come on, we both know I wouldn't have dealt with them at all," I admitted, "not in the right way. I would've just let things get worse. It's not like you made that decision alone, I know you weren't the only one who wanted to give me a good wake-up call!"

"I just didn't know what else to do to make you understand. You couldn't go on like this."

"Mark, it's fine. I just didn't wanna listen. It was a lot easier to just pretend that nothing was wrong," I admitted, "I hate being without you but I get why you had to walk away from this self-destructive, stupid version of me."

"It's not who you are."

"No, it's not." I agreed.

"But I'm sorry," he apologized again, "I never wanted us to break up, I was just mad."

"Are you saying that you're over it now?" I asked, hopeful yet still worried.

"Maybe. Look, all I want is for you to find better ways to cope with the pressure, even if things start to spiral out of control again. I just want things to be back to the way they used to be, when it was just easy, and fun, and exciting, and you weren't finding it difficult. You know drinking or taking drugs isn't the answer... I don't want the guy I fell in love with to disappear," he said with emotion in his voice.

"I won't disappear," I murmured, "I do realize I have to be more careful when it comes to drinking and going out. I can't expect you to always watch over me and make sure I don't get fucking smashed. I've learned my lesson. Honestly, I don't think I'm ever gonna do that again."

"I hope you won't...."

"I won't," I promised.

"I don't want us to take what we have for granted. Remember what Bono keeps telling us. Not to think that we've arrived, that there's always more to do, more to discover ... that we shouldn't be scared to let our fears and insecurities fuel our work."

"He's the wise one. Mark, you know how much the band means to me. It makes me exist in a way, and I don't wanna lose that. And I certainly don't wanna lose you. I just got lost a bit."

"I know baby... So, how is it going so far, do you like the place?"

"Yeah, it's nice. They've got a pool and a gym, I don't need more," I joked. "it's gonna be good for me to take that time. But I wish you were here with me though."

"Rob, it wouldn't help you if I were. You do what you have to do. We'll see each other in a few weeks," he assured me wisely, but I could tell he didn't want to wait that long either.

"It's already been so long," I complained, making sure he could hear the frustration in my voice.

"I know... and I wanna be with you so bad right now, I really do. Fuck, don't get me started, it's killing me. I think about you all the time... but you know you need to do this alone for now. I'll just distract you."

"God, I just wanna be with you again."

"Don't...," he begged unconvincingly, knowing I was trying to convince him to come to L.A, although it was unreasonable for now.

"I want to hold you," I continued in a deep and mellow voice. "I just wanna snuggle up to you... and kiss you... everywhere, and make love. I miss everything about you... and I mean everything!"

He let out a chuckle,

"Don't tell me you didn't put those toys we bought in Amsterdam to good use! I would've taken them with me!"

I chuckled too, because of course I had tried them. We did have a few sex toys that we seldom used to spice things up, but you can never really have enough of those to try.

"That cock ring plug really is interesting," I said in a cheeky way, "but it definitely doesn't replace you though."

He giggled,

"Alright, I might send you a few pics later. That'll give you something to look forward to."

I smiled at the thought of that, "Sounds fun. Fuck, I should've come here sooner. I'm stupid."

"Yeah, you are," he joked. "but lucky for you, it doesn't make me love you any less... I've got you under my skin, deep in the heart of me... why should I try to resist?" he said, quoting Frank Sinatra.

I smiled, my father was a big fan of 'The Rat Pack' and many other great singers so we had grown up listening to all of them,

"Yeah. And I'd sacrifice anything come what might, for the sake of having you near...," I added, quoting the song as well.

He took a deep breath and exhaled,

"I love you."

"I love you too."

He sighed sadly and said nothing for a short moment. And then he whispered,

"There's something I have to tell you."

I understood what that meant but told him immediately that whatever it was, I'd rather we didn't talk about it over the phone. Honestly, because of what had happened with Sam, I didn't want to know what he had to tell me. I only hoped that it didn't involve Damien because that was something I knew I'd find incredibly hard to get over. Jordan had told me that he had seen him again and had rejected him once and for all, but I still didn't like the fact that he had seen him again. Just imagining them together was enough to make me feel completely broken-hearted. Thankfully, my biggest fear of seeing him break up with me to be with him wasn't going to come true.

I did try to imply that I had done something stupid too and that we would need to talk things through. I knew that despite what we had been going through, our feelings for each other were strong enough to get past the mistakes we had made, but I couldn't wait to work things out with him and put all of this behind us. I hated myself for doing all the things I had promised him I'd never do... hurt him, cheat on him, it wasn't like me. I really had to get my head on straight and stop my bullshit.

So I tried my best to change the subject and asked him,

"Mark, you went to see your mother, didn't you?"

He let out a huff,

"Yeah, last Saturday."

"Tell me about it, how'd it go?" I asked, dying to know.

"Better than expected," he replied.

"Really?" I asked, relieved.

"Yeah. It was kinda therapeutic. Rachel thought talking to her again would lift a weight off my shoulders I didn't even know was there, and she was right, it really did."

"What'd you talk about?"

"Honestly, you know how she is, we didn't talk that much... just... she cried, I cried... she apologized, I apologized...," he said in a monotonous tone.

"What did you have to apologize for?"

"For leaving and never looking back."

"You had every right to do that."

"Yeah, I suppose. But that's just the way she is. Maybe it's time I just accept it. She'll never be the mother I would've liked her to be. And she did apologize. For everything. For never telling me that James wasn't my father, for letting him treat me like shit, for letting me stay at your place all the time and not taking care of me the way she should have...honestly, I didn't put any blame on her, I just let say what she had to say. I think that's really all I needed, an apology from her."

He stopped talking and I was about to say something but he continued,

"Fuck, at some point, she said she should have put me up for adoption when I was born. That I would've been happier."

"Fuck," I breathed out, "I'm sorry, babe."

"I know she meant it as some sort of apology, but fuck! I don't think she realised how painful that was to hear, coming from her."

All I could think about was to hold him in my arms and ease his pain,

"I guess we should be thankful that she didn't."

"Yeah. That's what I found myself telling her. I ended up reassuring her, and telling her that I was glad that she hadn't, that I was happy with my life..."

I heard him sigh.

"I wish I could be with you right now."

"It's ok. Don't worry. It wasn't all bad. After that, she began telling me how proud she was too, that God had a plan for me, or whatever. She said she knew everything they had put me through, but she had no idea how to fix things because she thought it was too late, that she didn't deserve my forgiveness. She said some pretty heavy stuff!"

"Does she know you found your father?

"No, I didn't tell her. I think she might just have passed out!"

I snorted,

"What about us? How does she feel about us?"

He let out a small laugh,

"You know what? We didn't mention it once. She kept asking me how Rachel was doing. It was, Rachel this, and Rachel that... as if she was hoping that, maybe, I just went through a phase or something. And because she lives with us, I think she's still hoping I might marry her someday. It's like, she knows I'm gay, but she won't acknowledge it... and I didn't want to press the issue."

I chuckled,

"One thing at a time."

"Yeah. I know I can only accept her the way she is and forgive her mistakes. I should have made more of an effort to stay in touch with her after we moved to London."

"Why? So they'd continue to hurt you over and over again?"

"I don't know. But I think I'm ready to forgive her now."

"Well, that's good if you are. I don't want you to still be hurt over this."

"I'm not. It probably made me stronger in a way."

"It did."

"Yeah. And then after I left, Jordan found a great way to cheer me up!" he exclaimed happily.

"Oh my god, what'd he do?" I asked with curiosity.

"Well, we kept talking about it in New York, so... he decided on a whim that we should go buy a new car!"

"A new car?" I asked skeptically, because we already owned too many cars in my opinion.

"Yep! The bastard kept singing Kelly Clarkson "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," in the car for like an hour," he said, exasperation in his voice. "I almost did kill him."

We let out a small laugh,

"For an hour? Where did you go? Was there traffic or something?'"

"No," he simply answered.

"I don't get it."

He giggled,

"We did sign the paperwork in Dublin, but first, we went to Mondello Park for a test drive."

I gasped,

"Oh my god, I think I've figured it out," I said, remembering a conversation we once had.

"Yep, that's right!" he said, sounding elated.

"You did not buy a Ferrari!" I exclaimed, he'd always wanted one but thought that was maybe a bit too much.

He chuckled happily,

"Oh, but we did!"

I shook my head, kind of staggered,

"Fuckin' unbelievable! ... Red?"

"Of course. Is there any other kind? You're gonna have to teach me how to show off properly now!" he said.

I laughed,

"No, no, you leave that to me! See what happens when you hang out with Jordan for too long," I joked.

"To be fair, it was always my idea to buy one."

"When are you ever going to drive it?"

"Just a technicality, whatever, I'll just stare at it and pamper it. But believe it or not, this model is really designed for the road, you can use it every day and it's really comfortable."

"How much?"

"300K..." he said with a wince, or so it seemed.

"On a car?"

"Well, it's the latest one, 812 superfast. It's the fastest and most powerful yet," he explained cheerily.

"Jeez," I shook my head with a smile.

"But once you get to sit in the car and drive it, there's just no way that you're not gonna buy it. It's so fuckin' thrilling! I don't think you can get that euphoria from any lesser car."

"Yeah, they know that. That's called a good sales technique!"

"Dude, seriously! It was just so incredible. It's like a religious experience!"

"You're crazy," I said with a laugh.

"Now, we're gonna have to go back on tour to pay for this," he joked.

"Oh," I said with a nod, "I see what you're doing!"

"Yeah. I never should've watched 'Days Of Thunder' so many times as a kid," he joked.

"Well, we've watched 'Top Gun' as many times too, I hope you don't wanna fly a fucking aircraft now!"

He laughed,

"I'd love to be Goose, though."

"He dies!" I exclaimed.

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah, totally, and I'll be Maverick."

"Fuck. Driving it was like, the best feeling ever. You go from zero to sixty miles per hour in just 2.9 seconds, it's so good ... and the sound!" he exclaimed, "It's like a Formula One fantasy."

"Jesus, you're gonna kill yourself!"

"No, no, no, Cole Trickle doesn't die. I can handle a supercar!" he stated. "You and Jordan, however... I might not even let you drive it!"

"Now you're evil... I don't really care that much, though... Right now, the only thing I wanna ride," I said, both in a serious and seductive way, "...is your dick."

He let out the cutest laugh. Clearly, he hadn't expected me to say that.

"Oh my god...," he said slowly, "your perfect ass just flashed before my eyes."

I smiled,

"Yeah, that happens to me all the time," I said flirtatiously.

"Dammit," he breathed out a loud huff, "alright, keep talking," he responded, barely containing the horniness in his voice.

I went to lie on the couch and murmured as I closed my eyes,

"Mmm, babe, just the thought of you makes me hard as hell. I want you like you wouldn't imagine."

"Same here," he whispered after a few seconds, "I want you so bad. I'm so horny for you all the time."

I could feel a familiar tingling sensation in my body as I listened to him. I almost wanted to facetime him, but then I wasn't sure I wanted to see him before I could actually touch him. This was more sensual and less torturous than doing it that way.

"Damn," I sighed, "so am I... I wanna touch you, it's been too long."

"I wish you could," he murmured. "I miss your hands on me... and your lips on my skin."

"Fuck," I huffed out a breath and said as I pictured his flawless body in my mind, "I wanna feel your arms, and your chest and your gorgeous stomach... and your ass, god, your ass," I said with a moan.

I reached down and began rubbing my cock before pulling my cargo shorts and underwear down a little. I grasped my rock erection and gave it a few tugs, all the while picturing him slowly stroking himself, so pumped that this break up might soon be behind us. He kept telling me how much he wanted me, how hard he was for me. My dick tingled and I began stroking myself as I listened to him telling me how much he wanted.

"Babe, I can't wait to take you in my mouth," he said. "I wanna suck hard on your dick, it tastes so delicious."

"Mmm, yeah baby, you can work my dick like a champ. I wanna feel you deep in my mouth too," I told him, "I swear, I'm gonna give you the best blowjob I've ever given you."

He let out a giggle and asked seductively,

"How much better can you get?"

"I'm sure I can make it feel better, I'll make you wear that vibrating cock ring," I said cheekily.

"Right!" he exclaimed. I kept talking dirty to him and after a moment, he let out a deep breath,

"Man, I'm so ready to bust, just thinking about it... god, there's nothing like the feeling of your tongue working my cock."

"Yeah, I'm gonna take your throbbing cock in my mouth and make you empty your balls down my throat. I want your cum...so...fuckin'...bad."

"Mmm baby.... Can I pound you sexy muscular ass first? I bet you're as tight as ever!"

"Hell yeah, you can, it's all yours."

"Yeah. And I'll rim you first and drive you nuts with my tongue. I wanna hear you moan and beg for it."

"Oh yeah, I'll beg for it. I fucking love feeling your tonge snaking in and out, it's so good. You know how much I dig that shit."

"Yeah, I'm gonna give you the best rimjob before I fuck you just the way you like it!"

"Oh fuck, Mark, I need to feel you in me!" I moaned with a sense of desperation, " How long am I gonna have to wait?"

"I've no idea. But it's gonna be mind-blowing when I do fuck you again! ... Oh jeez, I'm leaking so bad," he said with a moan.

"Yeah, make yourself cum baby, don't hold back."

For a few minutes, we continued talking dirty to each other, mainly about him fucking me in every possible position, until I started telling him that I wanted to take his gorgeous ass too.

"Your skin," I moaned. "I wanna taste your skin, it smells just like you and I love it. I can't wait to eat you out baby, god I just can't wait. I'm gonna eat your perfect ass and then hold you so tight while I fuck you deep from behind..."

"Oh shit, you're gonna make me cum."

"Yeah, that's the idea..."

"Fuck, Rob, I love it so much when you fuck me, you feel so good inside me, I can pratically feel it! You have the best dick!"

"Yeah baby, fuck I love you. I swear, I'll drive you wild with pleasure and make you shoot so hard, you'll be dizzy. And then I'll shoot inside of you so you can feel every drop of my jizz seed up your ass."