Undaunted

It wasn't like I was planning to introduce her as my girlfriend. I was merely going to say that she was my date for the wedding and, while I could understand that Jamie might not be ready for that yet, I felt like she could have at least introduced herself as my friend.

I didn't have time to dwell on that, however, since one of the event organizers suddenly called Jamie away for more pictures. She excused herself and I turned my attention back to my aunt, knowing that the next time I would see Jamie would be at the reception.

*****

The Barrett Hotel wasn't much—I knew because I had booked a suite, aware that I would probably be drinking more than just a glass of wine for the night—but the Grand Ballroom where Tony and Marnie held their reception fully lived up to its name.

Located on the fourth floor mezzanine of the building, the room was both spacious and luxurious, with a high ceiling, marbled columns, and elegantly carpeted floors. There were balconies that overlooked pool and garden views on three of its sides, and the room was perfectly designed to give off a sense of the ethereal fairytale that I bet the happy couple was currently living.

Jamie, on the other hand, was a chaotic blur throughout the evening.

I had never seen her be this social. She was always flitting—joining other people in on our conversations one moment, and then dragging me to the dance floor the next. It was always the fast songs she seemed to want to dance to, and I would have found all of it strange if I didn't know exactly what she was doing.

It was impressive—and, at times, mildly amusing—the lengths that she would go to just to not have to actually talk about us.

Jamie might not be avoiding me, but she was definitely avoiding being alone with me. She was not allowing any room for the two of us to have a moment to ourselves, all in an effort to circumvent having the conversation. I let her have her fun, knowing we were bound to have the conversation at some point anyway.

I could be patient, I thought. At least, for tonight.

But Jamie miscalculated when she led me to dance for the third time. The DJ had been playing another fast tune as we made our way into the crowd, but he suddenly switched into a slow, romantic song by the time Jamie and I had found a spot to settle in.

I grinned and held out my hand to Jamie, my eyebrows raised in a silent challenge. I could see the flash of apprehension in her eyes before she resignedly stepped into my arms. We both knew she couldn't very well get out of this one, at least not without saying why and ending up having the very same conversation she had been trying to evade all night.

The two of us began to move and, gradually, we both started to relax around each other. I hadn't realized how strung this whole situation had made me until I felt all the tension clear away from my body, and soon, I forgot it ever existed.

All I felt now was how good Jamie felt in my arms as I pulled her close. She rested her head just below my left shoulder with a gentle sigh, and I felt her hands tighten on the back of my neck the longer we swayed to the music until it seemed as if she were holding on to me.

As if she never wanted to let me go.

My hands instinctively pressed against the base of Jamie's spine in response. I wasn't going anywhere, and the fact that I felt the strongest urge to reassure Jamie of that reminded me just how head over heels I was for her.

I pulled away a bit, and Jamie lifted her head to meet my gaze. That look was back in her eyes—the one that said she was in love with me, too—and it gave me the courage to open my mouth and tell her again how I felt.

"Wait. Shit. Don't!" Jamie said, lightly pushing off me before I could speak. A sudden fear crossed her features before she turned and hurried away, leaving me once again staring incredulously after her retreating form.

I felt the anger that had been gradually building up inside me. Whether it was intentional on her part or not, Jamie had been putting me in a rollercoaster of hope and frustration these past couple of days—and I had just about enough of it.

*****

JAMIE

I broke through the crowd, not having any idea what to do or where to go. All I knew was that I needed a place where I could be alone for a moment so that I could sort out the anxiety that I was now feeling.

I took a quick look around, finally deciding that the nearest ladies' room would suffice. I walked towards its direction, not stopping until I was safely inside, and placed my hands on the sink counter, gazing at my own reflection while I reminded myself to breathe.

Just. Fucking. Breathe.

It wasn't a minute later that Shaie came barging in, the golden fires in her eyes swiftly zeroing in on me. I straightened up and instinctively took a step back, noting the way Shaie's perfect breasts were heaving through the bodice of her mint and emerald dress.

"'Wait-Shit-Don't?!'" Shaie exclaimed, the frustration in her voice echoing off the tiled walls. The anger in her tone scared me, but I knew that she had every right to be mad. "What the hell was that, Jamie?"

I took another breath, not knowing what to say. Thankfully, we heard the sound of someone flushing, and a gray-haired woman came out of a stall soon after. The stranger glanced at both Shaie and me as she awkwardly made her way over to the sink. Meanwhile, I did my best to avoid Shaie's eyes while the two of us waited for the lady to finish washing her hands.

Shaie began checking the other stalls as soon as the woman finally left. Once she was satisfied that no one else was there, she quickly walked over to bolt the door before turning her attention back to me.

"Well?" She prompted, crossing her arms in front of her as she waited for my response. I took a deep breath and mentally tried to come up with an excuse for my behavior.

"I'm sorry. I just—" I started before finally sighing in defeat. There was no way to avoid talking about this now, so I figured I might as well opt for the truth. "I panicked. I knew what you were going to say."

The look that crossed Shaie's amber eyes told me that she knew exactly what I was talking about and that she had no plans of denying it either.

"And you don't want me to say it?" She asked, her tone a bit cautious and a lot softer this time as I watched her shoulders relax a little.

"Why does anything have to change?" I asked, unable to keep my own frustration out of my voice. "I mean, things were going so well! It was fun! It was simple! It was—"

"Convenient?" Shaie finished drily with a slight frown of annoyance.

"Safe." I corrected her with a pointed look.

"Same thing, really." She shrugged. And then, "You think love isn't any of those things?"

"Well, it certainly isn't simple, is it?" I answered with a discouraged sigh as I leaned my back against the counter. I shook my head slightly at the floor before turning to look at her again. "Shaie, I have issues. Clearly. My ex alone—"

"I know that!" Shaie interrupted, running her hand through her soft curls as she walked over and sagged against the counter beside me. "You've had those issues before we started dating. You've had them in the last couple of months. And I have issues, too, Jamie, but so what? We deal with them!"

"Oh, yeah?" I countered, my laugh humorless as I glanced at her. "What happens 6, 8, 12 months later when Joan doesn't stop, and you find yourself still dealing with the same shit I have been going through for years?"

"That's not fair, Jamie." Shaie said quietly, and I shied away from her gaze knowing that she was right. "You're judging me for something I haven't done yet about something that hasn't even happened yet. I can't argue with that."

It took me a moment to speak again as I tried to grope for an explanation that Shaie might accept.

"I have no control over what Joan does or what she might do," I finally said. "And you shouldn't have to deal with that. You shouldn't want to—"

"Well, that isn't up to you!" Shaie exploded, the jagged edge returning to her voice. "I hate to break it to you, Jamie, but you can't control how I feel either—no more than I can. I lo—"

I pushed off the counter, crossing the small distance between us as she spoke, and fitted my lips against hers before she could finish saying the words.

"Jamie..." Shaie began to protest, immediately drawing her head back. But my mouth caught hers once more and I cupped her jaw before she could turn away, and I closed my eyes as I kissed Shaie with everything that I got.

I ran my tongue across her lips as my mouth slashed across hers—urging, imploring, trying to coax Shaie's response while I molded myself onto her body.

My right hand travelled down the bare skin of her arm to seek her own while I hiked the skirt of my dress up with the other. With a sigh, I drew her bottom lip into my mouth as, with a desperate whimper, I brought her hand and pressed my center insistently into her touch.

Didn't it already show how much I do want her? Didn't Shaie know she had so much of me already? Couldn't that be enough?

"Please." I begged.

When Shaie finally reciprocated, it was with all the anger and frustration that she was feeling. Her kiss ravaged and bruised, her teeth clamping on my lip before her tongue delved sharply into mine as she finally took what I was offering. She switched our positions abruptly, and it was me that once again leaned back on the counter now as her skilled fingers began to move under my dress, drawing out more and more of my juices with every stroke.

A sound of pleasure escaped my lips when Shaie focused all her attention on my clit, coating it with my own wetness as she rubbed rough circles on the sensitive nub. Her mouth broke off from mine when she heard my moan, and Shaie turned me around so swiftly, I could only gasp and brace my palms against the marbled counter while she bent me over the sink.

Shaie kept a firm pressure on the small of my back as she threw my dress up over my waist. It was easy for her to rip off the lacy fabric of my panties as she brusquely nudged my feet apart, exposing my slippery cunt to her hungry view.

I hissed, wincing in slight pain and discomfort when I felt Shaie's digits seek entrance. I was wet, but I wasn't ready yet for the three fingers that she was determined to push all the way through. I bit my lips, my eyes seeking hers in the mirror for comfort as Shaie continued to stretch and fill me, but Shaie was intent on watching her fingers instead as they disappeared inside me, inch by slow inch.

I closed my eyes, taking the pain of Shaie's anger along with the pleasure of her desire. I welcomed the punishment, and hoped that this would somehow help me atone.

Shaie stilled once her fingers were up to the hilt, allowing me some time to adjust to their fullness. Her free hand snaked around my shoulders, pulling me up against her as she cupped my jaw between her fingers and bared my neck to her mouth. Her teeth sank into the sensitive skin and I instinctively writhed against her when she began to suck, causing me to feel every delicious movement of her fingers within me.

Again, I moaned, feeling myself get wetter, and Shaie moaned right with me as she slid even deeper into my cunt.

She started moving her hand, her fingers twisting and drilling further into my slippery hole before she changed her rhythm all of a sudden and began ramming her fingers in and out. The hand above my throat fell to grip my waist and I sagged forward against the counter, unable to contain the steady stream of sounds that Shaie drew out of me with every forceful thrust.

With my fingers straining against the marble, I tried to brace myself for the stormy orgasm that Shaie was stirring up inside me. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, my body jerking forward while Shaie fucked me hard and deep until I finally cried out. I could feel my pussy clamping on her fingers as the muscles on my thighs began to shake against the force of my pleasure. I bowed my head onto my arm, gasping and moaning as I rode jolt after jolt of ecstasy until it seemed as if my legs were about to give out from underneath me.

After a while, the pulsing in my flesh slowed and I flinched as Shaie eased her fingers out of me. She was pulling my dress back down when I glanced up again into the mirror and caught her eyes at last.

It was then that I finally saw the world of hurt behind Shaie's anger, and it stabbed at my heart, causing me to gasp and whirl around to face her. My hands instinctively reached, but Shaie stepped back before I could touch her, one side of her full lips curling as she softly scoffed at my gesture.

"Shaie..." I started to plead, not really knowing what to say to make things right as she took another step back.

And then she shook her head wordlessly before turning away, and I could only watch as Shaie walked out of the door. Hot tears began to burn the backs of my eyes and I fell against the sink as I pressed my face into my hands.

What have I just done?

*****

It was a while before I was able to gather enough composure to return to the wedding reception.

My eyes scanned for Shaie as soon as I stepped into the room, and I found her sitting at our table listening to whatever Lucy was telling her at that moment. Shaie looked up, as if somehow sensing that I was there now, too, and our gazes met for one long second.

All I wanted to do was to go to her and fix this, but I didn't know how or where to begin.

My feet moved in her direction anyway, only to stop when Shaie abruptly stood. She said something that caused Lucy to look my way before Shaie turned and headed towards one of the balconies, where she knew I wasn't likely to follow.

How the fuck could I have let things come to this?

All I had wanted was to hold on to what I had with Shaie, and now it seemed like it was all slipping from my hands. Everything I had been trying to preserve for the past two days was suddenly crumbling and I had no clue how else to keep it together.

Lucy stood up, too, but I was surprised when the beautiful blonde walked towards me instead of following Shaie. She touched my arm when she got to where I was standing, and gently led me away from the crowd into a quiet corner before finally turning to face me.

"Okay, what is going on between you two?" Lucy asked, the frown on her face seeming to be more out of concern than anything else.

I hesitated, uncertain if I should be talking about this with Lucy. She was Shaie's best friend, after all. But then, it occurred to me: Lucy was Shaie's best friend. Maybe, if I told her, then she could help Shaie understand where I was coming from.

So I started talking to Lucy. I talked about how Shaie said she was in love with me. I talked about how things had been really great between Shaie and me right up to that point, and how I hadn't wanted things to change. I told her my concerns about Joan, about how I just wanted to keep Shaie untouched by that messy part of my life.

"Do you love her?" Lucy suddenly interrupted, catching me off guard.

"W-what?" I stammered, and Lucy's hands went to her hips as she cocked her head to the side.

"Do you love Shaie?" She repeated, emphasizing each word as if the answer to her question would solve everything.

I opened my mouth, but no word came out. What did love have to do with it anyway?

I had loved Joan, too, and it was that same love that Joan had used to manipulate me into staying despite the abuse. How was I supposed to trust any judgment based on how I felt after that?

Logically, I knew that Shaie was nothing like my ex and that my dynamic with her had been very different from what I had with Joan, but there was always that chance, however slim, that things with Shaie might change. I just wasn't sure that I could handle it if I just ended up making that same mistake again.

"If you love her, then just tell her," Lucy continued when she got no immediate response from me. "But if you don't—and I am definitely saying this as Shaie's friend—then you need to cut her loose. Clean and quick."

Every fiber of my being balked at the thought of letting Shaie go. I mean, the whole point of this conversation in the first place was so that I could keep what I had with Shaie.

"It's not as simple as that!" I protested. "My ex—"

"But it is as simple as that!" Lucy exclaimed, the frustration in her voice matching my own and catching us both by surprise. When she next spoke, she was quiet, as if she was just coming to her own realizations. "Or it can be if you want it to be."

"But—"

"Look," Lucy said firmly, sounding a bit impatient now as if I was suddenly keeping her from something. "It's either you love Shaie, or you don't. Either way, you need to stop running away from things and let her know how you feel."

"I'm not running away," I frowned.

"No." Lucy agreed before she added, "But this—what you're doing? You're going to end up pushing her away and you know it. And if that's the plan well, then you should just save Shaie the time and trouble and end it now."

"I don't want to lose Shaie." I confessed, and Lucy's features softened. I glanced away, feeling close to tears once again.

"Then don't." Lucy said kindly, her hands touching my forearms to drive her point. "Shaie's probably just as terrified as you are, but she's trying anyway. The least you could do is to try, too. Stop playing relationship chicken. Stop hiding behind your ex. Shaie deserves better than that."

She let go of my hand and stepped back. "Now, if you'll excuse me," Lucy said. "I have somewhere else I have to be right now."

With that, the blonde woman hurried away and I turned my head towards the balcony where Shaie had retreated earlier, knowing that everything Lucy had just said was right.

I had mostly been ambivalent through all this, and Shaie had shown me nothing but patience while I had constantly kept one foot out of the door. It was high time that I decided whether I was actually in or out.

I took a deep breath and started walking.

*****

SHAIE

I didn't turn when I heard the footsteps walking towards me, but I saw the hand that fell next to mine on the cold, concrete ledge and knew right away that it was Jamie's.

"I thought you were scared of heights," I commented, turning away from the gorgeous view of the night sky that I had been looking at to glance at her. I had none of the anger that I had felt earlier, only a sense of exhaustion and defeat that was slowly creeping in.

"I am." Jamie said. There was a slight edge to her voice that held my attention as Jamie gazed back at me, and I noticed it then—the nearly imperceptible trembling in her fingers as she shakily explained, "This doesn't mean that I'm any less afraid."

I turned fully towards her, suddenly aware that we were now talking about something more than just heights.

"I love you, Jamie." I told her simply, not really expecting her to say it back right now, but feeling the need to put my foot down. "I can't help it, and I should at least be able to say that to you without you shutting me out. I grew up in a family where people didn't tell each other how they felt and I've known for a long time now that that isn't what I want for myself. So if you—"

"I know." Jamie interjected. "I mean, I understand. And I'm sorry."

There were tears brimming from her eyes and I tried to brace myself for what she was about to say next. Jamie took her time, that same hesitation that had infuriated me when we were starting showing up again, but I kept silent, knowing that it merely meant that she was trying to open herself up.