Under Her Breath

"It's lovely to hear you too, Hannah. Nice bright day today, great visibility. I'm standing on the ice field not far from Nuuk. Isn't technology fantastike?" Noah chuckled.

"I hope it didn't cause you too much trouble, Noah. It must have taken a few days to collect. Did you stay at the same hut on the coast?"

"It was no trouble to me, apart from being pestered by one of your students."

"Why? Oh god, don't say there was trouble. What do you mean?"

"Hannah, it seems you have an admirer. This young Polish girl has a big crush on you I think. Do you know who I mean?"

Hannah fell silent, her mind racing to connect Noah, Greenland and the only Polish student she knew in Greenland.

"Are you still there, Hans? It's little Karolina -- she did all the work. I just acted as guide along with another two kids from England. She is really very sweet and she makes me laugh with her jokes you know. I laughed the most because she pretend she was only helping you for scientific reasons, but that excuse was thinner than tynd is, as we say."

"Karolina Nowak? Seriously? But she had her own thesis to work on." Hannah was still struggling to connect the dots.

"Yes, yes -- that Karolina. You must check with her university, but I gave a favourable report to Oscar and he agreed her work should go toward her degree grades. So. Everyone comes out lucky, yes?"

"Noah, I don't know what to say. Well thank you for what you've done - for both of us," Hannah replied.

"You are welcome, English woman. And please, if you will permit me. For god's sake make an honest woman of that girl. You're breaking her heart. It's plain to see the two of you should be together."

"Noah.... Noah, I'm stuck for words. I don't know how to reply to that," Hannah stammered.

"Words not needed, my love. I look forward to hearing all about it on your next visit. Don't leave it too long, girl -- I'm not getting any younger and I might need my bear hunter to protect me."

They said their goodbyes and Hannah pressed the connection closed on her phone.

She sank back into her chair, her mind racing and her heart thumping. She went back over the conversation with Noah. He liked to tease, but surely he would not be so cruel to invent this. Most likely he had exaggerated. Making mischief. Yes, that was it. Kay probably had some problems with her own project and Noah had suggested it.

Before she could turn to other matters another email chimed and she recognised the sender immediately.

Dear Dr Turner

Firstly, since we met some time ago, I must ask how you are and if everything in your life is good?

Next, my report from Greenland. You may have already heard from the NRI that because of an equipment problem, I could not complete my project on the VME of the Davis Strait, which left me difficulty in both my thesis and how to use my time in Greenland to good effect.

The NRI liaison, Prof Poulsen, suggested that your study was incomplete and that the methodology was similar to my own and from a scientific view point it would make a valid alternative for my degree long study.

I realise this might have a conflict with your study and I am sorry if this might make a problem, but I know the science is sound and I had my work kindly and generously overseen by Mr Hansen from the NRI.

In brief. The substrate sea ice samples ( surface 20cm -- 50cm ) show that although there are outliers in the cyanobacterial levels, these correspond to both glacial outflow and local sea temperature as you initially proposed. It does look as though the accretion of fixed and insoluble nutrient in seasonal melt will also negatively impact coral growth at depth 150m -- 300m as outlined in your hypothesis.

I was able to take samples as far as Qeqqata Point as you had planned and these are shown on the PDF diagram attached.

I really hope this is ok and that I did not overstride my authority, but Prof Poulsen did not think it would be a problem. I would welcome a chance to discuss the data with you when I return to the UK in a day later this week.

Kindest regards

K Nowak, c/o Dept of Life Sciences, ICL

The timing of email and phone call were suspiciously coincidental. It was almost as though Noah had been standing over Karolina. A smile spread across Hannah's face as she imagined a scene and the conversation, with Kay frightened to send it and Noah telling her to "Stop being stupid, girl!" It was probably just coincidence.

Nevertheless, the outcome was terrific in scientific terms and it was a joy to hear from Karolina.

She sent a reply.

"Kay! You are a diamond -- I've not had a chance to look through the data fully but this is amazing. You have saved my life once again.

Please let me know when you get back -- it would be lovely to catch up and I have plenty of room at my apartment if you'd like to stay over a weekend or something.

Best wishes, Hans xx"

Hannah paused before sending. Should she include the xx's? From a point of view of professional responsibility that answer was 'no'. She rattled a finger across her teeth as she pondered the dilemma for a moment.

'Best not.' She deleted the xx's with back spaces and pressed 'Send'.

'Oh shit. I shouldn't have said about staying over... too late,' Hannah thought to herself and felt a very unprofessional blush spreading to her cheeks. She rested her chin on a hand and let the memories of their shared boat trip and subsequent intimacy wash over her for a few minutes.

A knock at the door made her start and she looked up to see one of her students at the door. She motioned the girl to come in.

"Hi Rosie. I'm sorry, I was miles away. Come and take a seat. Right -- your tutorial. What have you got for me?"

The rest of the day passed without further news, but Hannah found the unresolved mystery of Kay and Greenland occupying her thoughts.

She didn't like mysteries, which was part of the reason she was such a good scientist. Gaps in knowledge were anathema to her and drove her to work harder. However, when it involved people and relationships they often left her head spinning. Relationships didn't work along logical lines, which was frustrating. Frustrating but intriguing.

* * * * *

The next day student projects jockeyed for attention and Hannah was back to her normal work-focused self. The Greenland data was already proving useful and she looked forward to sending the results to her counterpart in Seattle. She needed help with statistical analysis to ensure the results were meaningful and was about to contact a colleague when her mobile pinged with a message.

Hannah didn't give her number out to many people so she was puzzled who it might be.

< Hi Dr Turner. Karolina @ Manc airport. Is today ok for a visit or another time? >

Hannah's heart thumped with a burst of adrenaline. Without thinking she responded.

< Today is fine. When will u arrive? And how? >

< Train arr 15.07 with you. I'll come to your dept. OK? >

< I'll meet you - cu soon >

That gave Hannah just over an hour. Poor Karolina would be exhausted if she'd just flown from Reykjavik and taken the train with all her baggage.

She set her emails to auto-reply and pulled on her coat. She needed to restock on food for the weekend, but had time to do that before meeting Kay at the station.

She gave a little fingers wave through the glass door to her friend in the adjoining office, who motioned to her.

"Are you sneaking off early, Hans?" he asked when she popped her head round his door.

"Yes and no. I'm meeting one of my researchers from Nuuk, but yea -- POETS day too!" Hannah explained with a quick smile. "Have a good one yourself, Josh."

"Bye Hans! Have a good weekend. Go easy on the Akvavit." Josh waved, turning back to his monitor.

Hannah had brought back a bottle of Danish vodka from Greenland for her colleagues and it had made Josh remark, "Only good for two things. Degreasing engines and killing brain cells."

* * * * *

Hannah parked up and made her way to the station concourse. As she stood stamping her feet against the cold, it occurred that her text to Kay might have been open to misinterpretation.

She pulled her phone out to check.

< Train arr 15.07 with you. I'll come to your dept. OK? >

< I'll meet you - cu soon >

She cussed to herself. Was Kay suggesting she'd make her own way to the University? She sent another message.

< Hi. I'm at the station exit waiting for you. It's the exit by the WH Smith shop >

There was no immediate reply but she could see the Manchester train had just arrived. She realised she was suddenly nervous. She had no reason except Noah's mischief to suppose that Kay still had feelings for her, so Hannah reminded herself she must act accordingly and not presume anything. This was work and an old friendship, nothing more.

Being a little taller than most she was able to see the walkway from the platforms and hoped to catch sight of her friend. Her 'work colleague', she reminded herself.

She checked her phone. Sometimes it pinged and she wouldn't hear it in a busy concourse, but there was nothing.

The waiting was agony. Lots of faces bobbing up and down, all walking her direction. A crowd of passengers came and went. Had she missed her? Surely Karolina would recognise her?

She glanced at the taxi rank in case she'd slipped past. Nothing.

She looked back when she heard a man's voice laughing and saw a platform attendant alongside a trolley with a woolly hat.

Hannah moved to one side to get a better view and then saw Karolina. She was chatting away to the man helping her push the wayward baggage trolley, and it was her woolly hat tugged down over her ears. Just then she looked up and saw Hannah. She turned to thank her helper who gave her a wave in farewell.

There was a moment's hesitation before Hannah walked towards her. Karolina was clutching a small bag to her chest and gave a little bounce on her heels and smile as Hannah approached.

"Dr Turner!" Karolina greeted her with awkward formality.

"Kay, this is the best surprise. Thank you for coming. You must be knackered, love. Come on, let me help you with this lot. My God -- you don't travel light do you? Is this all yours?"

Hannah took the handrail of the trolley and pushed as Kay walked alongside and glanced furtively up at her. They were uncertain of each other. Familiar but not at ease.

"How was the journey, Kay? That early flight from Reyk is a bummer, huh?" Hannah chattered on in her nervousness.

"Yes. Long time. I think already eight hours today. It was okay. You know, tiring. Not all these bags are mine. I have some from other student who sprain his ankle, so I said I could help." Kay sounded weary but relieved to have found Hannah.

They reached the car and between them, lifted in the bags. Once they were stowed they found themselves standing close by the open rear door. Kay put out her hand to Hannah's arm.

"Hannah? I know when we last met things did not end so well. I know it was a difficult time for you then. So now I not sure if... or how to say... how you feel about..."

"Me too, Kay. This is weird, huh? There are so many things I wish had happened differently. I'm sorry for hurting you, Kay. For leaving that way, so suddenly. You deserved more than that." Hannah looked down at her feet as she spoke, for she was still ashamed of running away before Kay woke, just leaving her a note.

"No, no. You must not say that. It was hard for you, with the bad things that happened on the boat. I could see that. You said that to me as well, so please don't feel bad. You know, I still..." Kay let the words hang in the air, but as she looked Hannah square in the face, her chin wrinkled as she fought back her emotions.

The hurt and anxiety were plain to see in Kay's face.

"You still...?" Hannah asked softly. Kay nodded and looked away, a tear threatening to run down her nose. "So do I, Kay, so do I. Could we maybe start again?"

In reply Kay threw herself toward Hannah, grabbing at her coat and burying her face in Hannah's chest. Kay sobbed and her shoulders shook as Hannah pulled her tighter into a fierce embrace. A passerby turned her head and wondered for a moment what might have happened between them, then bent to take the hand of her child to cross the road.

Hannah heard Kay give a wail, the noise deadened in her coat but vibrating through her body.

"Hey, hey, sweetheart," she crooned, prising Kay's face out to look into her eyes, now red with tears.

"I'm sorry. I not mean to cry. I make promise to myself that I would be cool and not be like this."

"You are so cool, Karolina Nowak. You are so much more than that. I've missed you honey. Now that you're here with me, I realise just how much I missed you."

"Really? You not shitting me?" Kay snivelled, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

Hannah shook her head and mouthed 'no', but her own tears stopped her from speaking, so they hugged again until Kay began to shake once more. Hannah pulled away to find Kay now laughing. Kay continued to giggle as Hannah held her by the waist so they were pressed together at the hip.

"Look at us, Hannah. We're like you say, 'a pair of soppy tarts!'" Kay laughed with Hannah and wiped again at her face. "Take me home, please. Your home this time."

"Come on then, soppy tart. Come back to mine." Hannah opened the passenger door for Kay. "We have treats for supper. I have a bath, scented candles, fluffy towels and chilled wine."

Hannah leaned in and to give Kay a peck on her lips. Kay reached her fingers to stroke Hannah's face, relieved and delighted by their renewed intimacy.

"Sorry, my hands are cold," she apologised.

Hannah was too overwhelmed to reply, but looked at the smiling lips and punctuated her happiness with a more emphatic kiss and a playful growl.

* * * * *

As they stood in the lift taking them to the second floor, Hannah fretted about whether the flat was tidy enough for a visitor, especially one as important to her as Karolina. The cabin bumped to a stop and as they pulled Karolina's bags between them, Hannah turned to her.

"Would you give me two minutes, Kay? I didn't have time to tidy and..."

"Sure go ahead. I understand, but two minutes, no more!" Karolina smiled conspiratorially.

In her head, Hannah was a tidy person. She had tidy intentions that didn't always translate into action. So she knew her discarded clothes were hanging over the wash basket like a murder scene, but it was her laundry. She flicked the duvet over the pillows, then lifted the pillows to pat them flat.

One minute.

She swept the dirty crocks into the sink but, racing against time, decided the opened bread was fine by the toaster even though the layer of crumbs always drove her mad. She'd intended to empty the rubbish bin only this morning. She squashed the lid down harder.

Hannah re-appeared at the door and chased an errant curl of hair with a sideways blow from her lips and roll of her eyes. Kay was waiting, comically keeping her hands behind her back like a school teacher.

"Thanks. Okay -- it's safe. Please come in!"

Kay really wasn't interested in how tidy Hannah kept her home but she did want to discover more about the woman she fell in love with so many months before.

Kay hoped Hannah wanted a relationship and knew she wanted love like everyone else, but trying to convince her let down her guard might take time. Hannah reminded her of a nervous bird that would swoop down to take a bite of food then retreat to the safety of a perch.

She supposed that being transgender was tough and, despite appearing confident and outgoing, Hannah wore a mask she presented to the world. The real Hannah was underneath, and she was the authentic woman Kay had fallen for. She could just tell. No amount of bluffing or language difference could cloud her intuition.

Kay let Hannah give her a tour of the flat, the bedroom, spare room, bathroom, lounge until they ended up in the galley kitchen. Kay was watching her open the fridge door and realised she was being asked a question.

"Would you prefer a hot drink or I've got some soda, or wine? Kay. Hello?" Hannah smiled, tilting her head to check she was being heard.

"Oh, I'm sorry Hans. I was miles away," Kay replied, hooking her dark hair behind her ears and letting her hand finish on the other girl's arm.

"You're tired, sweetheart. I was forgetting, forgive me. Do you want to crash out -- it's not too early?"

Kay nodded with a shrug of resignation.

"Why don't you freshen up and I'll make you a quick bite to eat. Then off to bed for you!" Hannah put her arm round Kay's shoulder and steered her to the bathroom.

"I've put a fresh towel out for you. Have a shower and you'll feel brighter. I've got some pj's you can wear - I'll leave them on the bed. We can sort out your laundry in the morning. Sound like a plan?"

"But I wanted to stay up and talk, Hans. There's so much for us to catch up." Kay's voice trailed into a whisper as she turned herself into Hannah's arms.

The two stood for a moment. Hannah gently rocked and kissed her hair, comforted to have Kay in her arms.

"Come on, sleepy head. I'll get the shower warm, if you pop your things off. No funny business either - there's no room in my little bathroom." Hannah teased, reminding Kay of the time they'd once showered together.

Hannah left Kay to wash, and in the kitchen made her scrambled egg. Her plans for a welcome home supper could wait. In a way, this was easier. Looking after a tired friend was simpler than navigating through emotions she found confusing.

She knew Kay liked her sexually, but she couldn't make out anything beyond that. Hannah doubted her own feelings too, not because she didn't want Kay -- she did.

When relationships ended she'd blame herself: she knew she could be cold, distant or crabby at times without understanding why. How could she treat someone she loved that way? Maybe if she tried harder she could be a better person?

It was only when she was diagnosed autistic that she figured out that those characteristics were a symptom. They were her way of coping with overwhelming stress and confusion, usually at difficult times in the relationship. She wasn't a bad person, she had problems understanding neurotypical mindsets that were alien to her. She didn't push people away because she didn't like them, but because she was about to implode.

Karolina was unlike other people she'd been close to. She didn't push, she was calm and she seemed to understand that Hannah needed time. She didn't seem concerned that someone could feel strongly attracted but be equally full of doubts at the same time. Newton was no fool but if anyone could rewrite Hannah's laws, it might be Kay.

Kay reappeared, wrapped in Hannah's towelling gown that was too long for her.

Hannah looked up, startled out of her self-analysis of Newtonian emotional states into heart-skipping joy. Hannah pretended not to notice how pink and scrumptious Kay looked. The idea of warm, clean skin so close made her melt a little inside. To cover her true feelings, she mothered and fussed Kay to the table, placing a plate of eggs on toast in front of her.

"Oh, thank you, Hans. This is perfect." Kay smiled, reaching a hand to touch Hannah's arm.

"You are very welcome. Can I fix you that drink now? Orange juice or...?"

Kay nodded back from a mouthful of food. Kay found she was hungry and polished off the plate quickly. Taking a drink she pushed the empty plate back to stretch comfortably in her chair.

Despite half-hearted objections, Hannah pointed her to bed and soon had her tucked up beneath the duvet, with just the bedside lamp lighting the room. Hannah sat beside her on the edge of the bed.