Unnatural Thirsts

It was not a good day.

I texted you, but your number was cancelled. Same with mom. Your email accounts were gone. Even your goddamn deviant art profile was shut down, and I knew you wouldn't have given that up unless something really bad happened.

I gave it two days, searching frantically on the internet, while calling your friends asking if they'd seen you, trying to keep the panic from my voice. The only existing account was Facebook, but you were ignoring your messages.

I was ready to report you both missing when the first status update occurred. It announced the start of your fantastic European vacation. There was a selfie with you and a really good looking French guy.

I knew there must be something else going on, but I couldn't help feeling...discarded. I closed my laptop for the day, but as the weeks passed more images would be posted. New men in most of them. Athens, Florence, Paris, Munich, and Prague. Always your smiling face. Occasionally mom too.

You never replied to any of my messages.

I gave up on looking for you. I had to. The alternative hurt too much.

* * *

It was late August by then, so my classes were due to start soon. I considered cancelling or dropping them, but I decided that I needed something, anything, to distract myself or I'd lose my mind, so I kept at them. If I needed to support myself sooner than expected, finishing my degree (major in Comp Sci, minor in Music Theory) would be helpful.

I went to my ATM the first day back. I hadn't checked it because I knew that I didn't have much in it and wasn't sure how the finances were. I knew that the bills were paid for that month and that was it. Fortunately, we all had the passwords to pay online or that would have been a struggle in and of itself.

When I saw my account, I was staggered. My previous $357.45 was now $200,357.45. More than enough to pay bills and taxes for me for years. I boggled at even the idea of so much money, much less actually possessing it. I lived fairly simply, my only expensive tastes being sushi and going to the movies.

Was this part of the farewell gift too? It made me bitter. I had thousands of dollars but not one explanation. It got worse, ironically, when I went to my online banking portal and realized that there were two more accounts as well, one for a stock portfolio and another for liquid savings. Added up, it amounted to more than a million dollars. That would certainly be enough to assuage your guilt for living me behind. Especially if you never had any intention of returning.

For the first time in my life I didn't have to worry about budgeting and I didn't care at all. I'd have given all of it to see you for five minutes.

Weeks passed. I spent every day in a fog, but it was better than the clarity of the nights. Sleeping in my room in that empty fucking house was the worst time. I ended up picking up two more classes just so I'd have more work to distract myself.

I wasn't hanging out with my friends or listening to music or composing or doing anything that I loved to do. I was nothing but school and sleep and eating, but it was never enough. My emptiness left me weak to the vagaries of my gift. The feelings of other people pushed on mine, even when I slept. It was like pinpricks all day, every day. The happiness or joy of others was the worst. It pushed into my thoughts and dreams, as if the world itself was trying to force me into its image.

I finally understood why dad drank, and I was tempted. Not with alcohol, but I had friends and I went to college. Pills were easy to find, mostly Adderall and variants or things to help with sleep. I suspected that I could blot this out, at least overnight, but I feared the long term effects.

I'm trying to be honest with you, so that isn't entirely true. I also wanted my awareness at its highest. At various times during the day I thought of you and mom. I tried to feel for you and then also send my love. It wasn't like I was spending all of my time, but I feared "missing" contact, like a phone call with no voice mail.

I needed contact with you, of any kind. Instead I found someone else. Or I guess she found me.

I wasn't really hanging out with people but I did like being around them from time to time so I felt less isolated. I was at the university's food court, eating some really delicious and unhealthy General Tso's when she approached me. I'd never really had trouble getting dates, but I could always sense when a girl was thinking about talking to me and take the initiative. Jeni blindsided me a bit, in more ways than one.

From my perspective, she snuck up on me. This isn't true at all, really. She almost certainly walked over to my table and then stood in front of me, waiting politely for me to finish typing my thought and see her. After I didn't, she cleared her throat and I jumped a bit. Then I looked at her and we both laughed. It was very natural.

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean to scare you," she said.

"It's fine, I was in my own world," I said, closing my laptop and finally really seeing her.

She was pretty if not beautiful, with curves for days. Her long brown hair was in a simple pony-tail with a scrunchy. Her eyes were light brown and expressive, and her features straight and fine. Her sweater was pink, thin, and tight, and I remember thinking that it didn't suit her. Not that it looked bad or that I would criticize her for it, it just didn't fit her, somehow. Her jeans were tight as well and showed off an admirable curve of hip and thigh, with just the slightest gap.

If I had to describe her briefly, I'd just call her the girl-next-door.

She smiled at me, and it was warm. I felt nervousness radiate from her, she was clearly very eager to make a good impression and there was no doubt that she was romantically interested in me. There was sexual attraction, but the romantic side was almost overpowering. She must have had a crush on me at a distance. In my current state I would have missed it easily.

"I'm Jeni," she said, "um, we have Philosophy of Music together? I don't know if you ever saw me, because I sit sort of in the back while you're kind of in the front."

I did recall her now, although I was used to seeing her in earth tones that suited her well, and also with glasses. Had she dressed to make an impression? I'd never really been pursued like this before.

I introduced myself, polite if a little cold. I wasn't really eager for company.

"Um. Do you mind if I sit down? I kind of need help with something..."

She was being misleading if not precisely lying. She did need help but she mostly wanted to talk to me.

"Yeah, sure. What do you need help with?"

"It's about the writing assignment. I swear I heard everything the professors said but I didn't understand a bit of it."

So we went over it. I showed her what I had done already, and what I thought he was looking for. She asked smart questions and found a lot of excuses to touch my arm. On a whim, I asked her out to dinner that Friday. It had been two months since you'd ditched me. And you'd told me that we weren't exclusive, after all. It sure seemed like you weren't, in any case.

We had a good date, just food and talking. She dressed much more naturally this time, and I complemented her on her clothes. She looked really good in her green blouse and jeans that fit her a little more comfortably. I loved the way her glasses looked with her eyes and I told her so. She blushed and bit her lip. Everything about her was cute. Wholesome, you might say.

We ended up back at our house. I told her that it was my family home but that most of you had moved to Europe and that I was living here. It was close to the truth. We sat on the couch together.

"I don't normally do this," Jeni said, suddenly feeling anxious.

"Do what?"

"Um. Go home with men on the first date. I'm, uh..."

"I don't generally go home with women on the first date either, unless its just a sex thing."

"Is this just a sex thing?" she asked, nervously.

I pushed some over her loose hair behind her ear.

"I want it to be more than just a sex thing," I replied.

"Me too..."

I didn't let her say any more as I leaned in and kissed her. She responded, enthusiastic but not experienced. You can tell that sort of thing, you know? She put her hands around my neck but wasn't sure what to do with them. So I moved one of them to my chest as I put mine around her back and drew her closer. She inhaled sharply as I reached under her blouse and rubbed her back.

"Just tell me to stop or slow down and I will, ok?"

She nodded but didn't speak, kissing me now, her tongue darting inside my mouth. Her hand explored my chest and when it reached my cock, she tentatively rubbed it through my pants. I moaned into her mouth and this set something off in her.

She began to unbuckle my belt and unbutton and unzip my pants. Before she could reach inside I pulled off her blouse, with her help. Next came her bra, and she covered herself, shyly. I stood up and took off my own clothes until I was completely nude. She looked at my cock and her eyes got wide. I could tell that while she wasn't a virgin she certainly hadn't seen many in person. I helped her out of her pants, and she let me.

I looked her in the eyes as I pulled her panties off, then I gently moved her hands and began to feel her breasts. They were very different from yours, large, and soft. Her nipples were large as well, even as they became hard under my caresses.

She moaned and moved as I touched her, pushing her breasts into my hands. She wrapped her hand around my cock and began to stroke me as I felt her wet pussy, playing with her clit with my thumb as I gently rubbed her slit and then slipped a finger inside of her.

She gasped and cried out. It was unexpected and for a moment I was worried that you'd heard, even though you hadn't been there in months. Her eyes told me that she didn't want my fingers or even my mouth, she needed my cock. She anticipated my next question.

"I'm on the pill. Please...please fuck me, baby..."

I didn't need a lot of encouragement. I hadn't really been jerking off a lot either, so I was very horny. I got on top of her as she spread her legs for me, as far as she could. She had her hands on my chest as I entered her. She was tight, although not as tight as you. In fact, no part of this was as good as sex was with you. I felt fondly towards her, but I'd only known her for about a week at this point.

I hope that you know that a good part of the reason I am telling you this is because I want you to feel a part of what I felt while you were gone. It's not revenge exactly, but I still sometimes have nightmares about you leaving me.

Besides, if this part of the story really pisses you off, you can always take it out on me later.

Anyway, as soon as I entered her, she said something odd.

"I've wanted this...for so long..."

File that under the ever-growing list of things that should have alarmed me about this situation, but didn't. I was aroused and lonely and at that moment I felt connected with someone, and it was wonderful. I didn't have any trouble feeling what she wanted, either.

I fucked her, hard. I didn't fuck her like the near-virgin that she was, but roughly like she wanted. She wanted me to bruise her, to hurt her even, and to leave marks. I gripped the her hair at the base of her neck, and pulled her head back sharply, restraining her. When I did that she came, immediately.

"Yes...yes...fucking own me. Please baby, hurt me, mark me, oh god..."

Her body quivered and shook in the most appealing way. I increased the intensity, and her legs gripped me tightly as I pounded into her. I saw that she was crying a little and that just turned me on more. We played off of each other, until I was as far as I was willing to go. She would have let me hurt her a lot more, probably even hitting or choking her, but I've never been that guy.

As I started to cum, she came again too, holding on to me for dear life as I filled her with my seed. She clenched and shook again, crying out my name. When we were done she held on to me and kissed me. She was very happy and satisfied.

I felt guilty and wrong. Like I'd betrayed you in your own home. I told myself that we weren't exclusive, but you already owned my heart.The sex with Jeni was good but I wanted it all to be over. On the other hand, I realized I couldn't just kick her out without being a huge dick, so for the moment I made peace with spending the night with her.

After all, if you got home suddenly and found us together, that would be your fault, wouldn't it?

As I was just starting to get sleepy, she spoke.

"I need to go pee. Do you have any beer?"

"Yeah, do you want me to get it for you?"

"Nah, I saw your fridge on the way in. Do you want one?"

"Yeah, that would be nice."

Beer always helped me sleep, so it seemed like a good idea. When she came back, smiling, she was a little nervous. I thought it was because she was not yet comfortable with being nude around me, and that was probably true. I drank deeply. It was more bitter than I remembered, but then again it was an IPA. After a few sips I set it down, intending to stand up and lead her to my bed. We'd be more comfortable up there and maybe we'd fuck again.

A funny thing happened, though. As I put the beer down it seemed like my hand went numb. I knocked the bottle over and beer spread over our end table. I watched it, unable to get my other hand to do anything to stop it. Jeni watched me, nervously.

"I think somethings...wrong...with..." I said as I tried to stand up, collapsing to the floor. My last sight was Jeni's feet. They were pretty cute. I blacked out.

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Family Reunions

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I woke up groggy, not myself at all. I was in a comfortable if tiny bed, in a small room. There were no windows and only one door, which was metal and looked sturdy. Like a door at a jail. There was also a desk with an uncomfortable-looking chair, a lamp and two books. One of the books was a blank notebook with a pen. The other was 'The Quiet of Solitude'. I recognized the author's name.

It was my father's name.

My feelings were dead. I felt fear but it was dulled. I felt nothing from anyone else at all. Was I alone?

A man came in, startling me. He was like dead air. I couldn't feel anything from him. Inside I started to panic. He sat in the chair and I sat on the bed. He was much larger than me and as I've said, I'm not a fighter. He wore a suit, but his nose was uneven, clearly having been broken before, and his eyes held no kindness nor warmth. His buzzcut was standard thug issue.

"I'm Roger and I'm going to be taking care of you."

"Taking care?"

He laughed, and it was the least reassuring sound I could imagine in that situation.

"Don't be worried. I'm your minder. I'm going to bring you food. I'm going to give you medication. You're going to help us. You're going to help your father, great man that he is, even if you have been unappreciative of his gifts to you."

"I didn't even know the fucker was alive unt..."

My head was ringing. I tasted blood in my mouth. I was on the floor. Roger was standing over me, his face red.

"You speak with respect for your father or you don't speak at all. One day maybe I'll serve you like I serve him. But until you get your head out of your ass and your shoulders square with The Program, your ass belongs to me. Understand?"

I nodded, not wanting to get hit again. It was already hard enough to think. Something occurred to me as Roger left.

"Do you guys have Jeni too?"

He stopped, laughed his asshole laugh again, and left. My gift may have been defective, but that laugh was enough. She was with them, and had drugged me. I wasn't doing well with women lately, but I had to admit to myself that I'd all but painted "victimize me" on my forehead by the way I'd responded to her attention. I heard the door lock behind him.

I stood up. It was hard. I assumed that I was still drugged, and this was true, but it felt different from whatever Jeni had dosed me with. I was tired but not numb. Unable to focus but not about to pass out. I went and got the book that, apparently, my father had written. I sat back down with it on my bed and tried to read it. I couldn't really think of anything else to do just then.

I made it pretty far through before I fell asleep again. It was easy to read, largely because it was tripe. I'd taken basic psychology and sociology, and this was your standard b-grade cult recruitment literature. A whole lot of promises of personal development and fellowship, with very few facts. I could see lurking in the background of the text the standard tools of the charismatic psychopath: breaking down the personality, making them dependent on you for all things, making leaving seem impossible, separating families, and instilling fanatical devotion. He was, naturally, the only cure for a corrupt and unhappy world.

Oh, and let us not forget that sex with the leader was a part of your duties should he want you. "No" wasn't an option. No matter your age. Blech. The book never said it directly but it was pretty clear to me that my father was at least a statutory rapist. What had happened to him?

I had a really bad feeling as to why Jeni had been so eager to sleep with me, but I put that away for a bit. Worrying about myself was enough for the moment.

Not for the first time, I wondered where you were. I fell asleep and dreamed of you finding my body, laid out in a field for coyotes to gnaw on. Deep in my heart the fear that I would never see you again was growing like a cancer, and I couldn't stop it.

* * *

The next day was really typical of the whole experience, honestly.

I was woken up by a relatively gentle jostle from Roger. I was given a breakfast of oatmeal and told to eat all of it. Once I was done I was given some orange juice. After a while I felt...disjointed. Like my body and mind were splitting. It hurt, too. I suspected there was something in the oatmeal, probably some crushed pills.

I don't think I was sober the entire time I was kidnapped.

After I was done, I was led to another room. It looked vaguely like an interrogation room. I was put in a chair and then my arms were strapped down with thick leather belts. My torso was secured next. The chair itself was made of metal and bolted to the floor, which was concrete. I was very afraid, and my vision shook under the weight of my fear and the drugs.

In a few minutes or perhaps an hour (my time sense was gone) two people entered. One I recognized, Jeni, and the other I just knew. He looked a little like me, about my height. A little overweight, balding, but not too bad all things considered. I didn't need any kind of gift to tell he looked at me with a mixture of pity and contempt.

They sat across from me. I noted that their chairs looked a lot more comfortable.

"Roger won't be joining us?" I asked in my most bland tone.

"No," my father said, "not unless you misbehave."

I moved my arms experimentally. He'd tightened them with expertise. Tight but not so bad that I was losing feeling.

"I'm not sure how I could do that."

Dad laughed. It was so cold. Jeni looked uncomfortable and had trouble meeting my eyes.

"I don't either, which is part of the idea. We don't want to hurt you, son. None of us do. Especially not Jeni."

She nodded vigorously. I believed her, but at the same time I did not. I couldn't explain it then.

"What do you want? Why did you do this? Why did you fuck me at all? You could have just dosed me..."

Jeni turned a bright shade of red, but didn't answer. Dad answered for her, which I found upsetting for a variety of reasons.