Unseasonal Holly

*

Usually a late sleeper, Olivia had chosen the worst possible morning to break the habit.

Passing Tom's room on her way to the bathroom, she heard the faint creaking of bedsprings. Wondering what was going on, she put her ear to the door to be met with the muffled sounds of exertion. Her eyes widened, scarcely able to believe what was going on. How did Tom manage to sneak someone in, she thought, and who does he even know around here?

As she was racking her brains, she heard it:'Stay inside me a while.'

The voice of her mother.

Nausea overwhelmed her. She tasked all her mental faculties with denying the truth, thinking up any alternative explanation no matter how implausible. In the end, though, she couldn't deny what she'd heard. Her mother and cousin had been fucking in his bed.

As she fumbled her way back along the landing, the need to pee now well and truly extinguished, she thought she was going to pass out. Only using the wall as a guide kept her on her feet. When at last she reached to her room, she sat on the edge of her bed, shaking. Disbelief had given way to anger. How could she do that, she thought, and why? How could she risk destroying her own family for a sordid romp with hernephew?

Head in her hands, Olivia realised she knew why. She reflected on her mum's words. Worse than their implication was the way they were expressed. There had been a delirium in her tone, indicative of complete satisfaction and contentment.

Had she experienced that with her father? It was a question she didn't want to consider, but it echoed though her mind nonetheless. And suppose he found out; what would that do to him, or make him do? She thought of all they'd been through over the past eighteen months: the revelation of his affair, the ensuing divorce, him moving out. She allowed herself a macabre chuckle. What a cherry to top the shit cake this would be.

She lay back, deciding that going back to sleep was the best way of forgetting, albeit temporarily. Try as she might, though, she couldn't drop off, and it was another, more disturbing emotion that was responsible. To her shame, she identified it as jealousy.

At seventeen -- with only one day until her birthday -- she was still a virgin, and while she knew there was nothing wrong with that, the pressure to have experiences with boys was ever-present within her peer groups. Her virginity wasn't even the thing that bothered her, it was the abject lack of everything else. Success with boys had never come naturally; in fact, it had barely come at all. Besides her first kiss at sixteen with a friend who subsequently moved away, she had no experiences to speak of. And now, even her mother was having more success with guys her age than she was.

She stewed over the fact as she rolled onto her side, wrapping the duvet tight around her. Her problem had always been a lack of confidence, a fact that her mum unwittingly compounded. She'd seen photos from her Holly's younger days, and she'd been stunning: slender waist, wide hips, and curves in all the right places -- much of which she'd retained into middle-age. She, on the other hand, had taken after the women on her dad's side of the family, having inherited a straighter, skinnier figure.

She buried her head into her pillow, resisting the urge to scream. How was her mother still able to attract young men, while she remained depressingly alone? Unable to stop herself, she conjured up scenes of the illicit liaison down the hall -- particularly of Tom.

Despite being cousins, she'd always thought him good-looking, and more so since he'd started taking university football more seriously, the conditioning having sculpted his body. She imagined what he could do with that body, what it looked like naked, what it was like to—

Stop, she ordered herself, horrified at the direction of her thoughts. She forced herself to lie still for several minutes, willing the carnal images from her mind.

Closing her eyes, she hoped sleep would find her soon.

*

'We won't be longer than a couple of hours,' Julie said. 'Do you want us to pick up anything while we're out?'

She, Bill, Tom, and Liz were about to go into the centre of Edinburgh, a tradition they repeated every Easter visit. They'd seen and done all the tourist hotspots multiple times, but the beauty and charm of the old city was never something they could pass up.

'No thanks, Jules,' Holly replied. 'Enjoy the city.'

With the four of them gone, she went to the kitchen to make lunch. As she was chopping tomatoes, Olivia wandered in.

'You alright, hon?' she asked without looking up.

'Can we talk, mum,' she said.

Holly looked up to see her daughter fighting to hold back tears. 'Sweetheart, what's wrong?' she said.

'I...'

Holly tore off a piece of kitchen roll to give to her. 'Talk to me, sweetheart,' she said. 'Come and sit down.'

They walked over to the kitchen table, Olivia dabbing her eyes.

'I... I heard you this morning,' she said as they sat down.

Holly frowned, the faintest alarm bell sounding in her head. 'What do you mean?'

'I walked past Tom's room and—'

'Oh my God,' Holly said, putting her hands to her mouth. 'Stop. You don't need to say any more.'

'How long's it been going on?' Olivia asked.

As tempting as it was to claim it had been a one-off, Holly knew a lie would only create further hurt down the line. 'Since Christmas,' she admitted.

'Why?' she implored, fresh tears forming in her eyes.

Holly moved to grab Olivia's hand, but she pulled it away. 'I don't know,' she said. 'It was a moment of madness that turned into more moments of madness.'

'But what's thereason? I just don't understand.'

Holly sighed. Although loath to admit the truth, she owed it to her daughter. 'I felt like I was back in my twenties, being chased by someone who wanted me so badly. I won't lie, it was thrilling, and the fact that it was wrong made it more so. I should have known better, not been so stupid. But I gave in.'

Olivia wiped her eyes once again. 'I suppose I can see how you'd feel that way. Is it because of dad? If he'd still been here, would you—'

'Make no mistake,' Holly assured, 'this would never have happened if your father and I were still together.'

'Okay.'

Holly reached for her hand again. This time she let her take it. 'Liv. This is going to sound selfish, but I have to ask. Are you going to tell anyone?'

She looked up at her mother. 'Of course not. I love you and don't want anything to happen to you. It's fucked with my head but... you're both adults, and I guess you're not hurting anyone.'

Holly was surprised at her daughter's take. It was the same logic she'd used justify her actions in moments of doubt. 'Thank you,' she said. 'And I love you too, with all my heart. None of this changes that.'

'I know, mum,' she said. 'It's just... never mind.'

'No go on. If there's something else, I want you to tell me.'

Olivia sighed. 'I can't believe I'm saying this, but how do you do it?'

Holly pursed her lips in confusion. 'Do what?'

'You know... get men interested. Everyone at college either has a boyfriend or is doing things. It seems so easy for them, yet I can't seem to... you know.'

'Oh, Liv. How long has this been bothering you?'

'Since the beginning of the year, really. Especially with my birthday coming up... I just feel like I'm so far behind.'

'It's not a race, sweetheart,' Holly said with a consoling smile. 'There isno time limit to do anything with boys. I'm actually encouraged by what you've told me. Parents stress about these things, you know.'

'I get that,' she said. 'It's not that I want to force it, it's more that I can't seem to make it happen naturally, like I'm a lost cause. Like why would somebody want me?'

Holly got up and sat on the opposite side of the table, putting her hand around her daughter's shoulder. 'There are plenty of reasons,' she said. 'You're sweet, kind, and loving. You've got a good head on your shoulders. The list goes on.'

Olivia looked up with a sceptical frown. 'I know you're trying to make me feel better, but you don't have to lie.'

'I'm not, sweetheart. I wouldn't tell you anything if I didn't believe it was true. Your problem is that you don't recognise the good qualities in yourself.'

'I don't know about that,' Olivia said.

'Trust me on this, Liv. You've got a lot going for you, and if you'd only start to believe it, you'd realise that others believe it, too.'

*

'Come in,' Tom responded to a knock on his bedroom door.

Expecting his mum or dad, he was surprised when Holly walked in and shut the door behind her.

'Can't get enough, eh?' he said, putting his hands around her waist. 'You don't have to knock, you know.'

To his confusion, she pulled away. 'Liv knows.'

It took the words a while to register, but when they did, his gut churned. 'What? What do you mean, Liv knows?'

'She heard us yesterday morning, outside your bedroom door. It was my fault. She heard my voice.'

'Jesus Christ!' Tom said. 'How did she take it? Is she going to say anything?'

'How do you think?' Holly snapped. She sighed, rubbed her eyes, and walked over to the window. 'Sorry. I shouldn't be taking this out on you.'

Tom moved to stand at her shoulder. 'Don't apologise, this is as much my fault as yours.'

'No,' she said, turning to him. 'I'm her mother. Her wellbeing is my responsibility, not yours. I've let her down.'

'Are you saying you want us to stop?' Tom asked.

Holly sat down on the bed, conflict in her eyes. 'I should be,' she said. 'But I can't lie to myself. The way you made me feel this morning... It was incredible. Like nothing I've ever experienced.'

'Same for me,' Tom said with a wry smile. 'It's a different level with you. No one else I've been with has come close.'

'Oh, Tom, what are we going to do?'

He remained silent.

'The mad thing is,' Holly continued, 'I don't think it's me and you that's bothering Liv most.'

'What do you mean?'

'After we had a chat about us, we talked about some of her insecurities.'

Tom sat beside her on the bed. 'What kind of insecurities?'

Holly sighed. 'In essence, she doesn't think she's good enough for a relationship or sex.'

'That's ridiculous,' Tom said.

'I know, but try being a teenage girl. I swear it's more complicated than particle physics sometimes.'

'I wouldn't know,' Tom smiled.

Holly smiled back. 'Anyway, I may as well tell you the real reason I came to see you. I've had an idea how we can help her.'

'We?' Tom queried.

'Just hear me out. You don't have to say yes, but I think it might be just what she needs.'

*

'Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday dear Olivia,

Happy birthday to you.'

Everyone cheered as she blew out two candles in the shape of a one and an eight on her cake.

'Don't forget to make a wish,' Holly said.

Tom couldn't help a subtle smile, knowing it might not be long before it came true.

'So, how does it feel to be officially an adult?' Bill asked.

'Not much different, really,' she replied. 'I guess I feel slightly more independent.'

'Hey Liz,' Tom teased, turning to his sister, 'how does it feel to be the only kid in the room.'

He received a non-verbal response, but the message was clear.

'Who wants a piece?' Olivia said, cutting into the cake.

'Right here,' Tom said, proffering a plate, 'and be generous.'

She gave him a big slice. 'Aunt Julie?' she said.

'Ooh,' she pondered, 'I know I shouldn't, but I've never been able to resist chocolate.'

'I wish she felt that way about me,' Bill quipped, earning a laugh from everyone but his wife, who gave him an exasperated look. 'Just kidding, love,' he placated. 'No one believes you'd be able to resist this.'

She snorted. 'Better make that a big slice, Liv,' she said, 'to get rid of the taste of your uncle's bad jokes.'

After Bill feigned offence, they all tucked in to the cake. Once finished, Holly handed Olivia a gift bag.

'Happy birthday, sweetheart,' she said.

'Aw thanks, mum.' After taking out a card and a small box, she set aside the former to read later, then opened the box. 'Oh wow, it's beautiful. It looks so much better than it did online.'

'Let's see,' Liz said, ever the keen interest in jewellery.

Olivia held up a silver pendant set with a pale blue stone.

'Ooh nice,' Liz said.

'It's pretty,' said Julie. 'You have good taste.' She handed Olivia a card. 'This is from me and your uncle.'

'Thanks Aunt Julie,' she said. Her eyes widened when she opened the card. 'A hundred pounds... Are you sure?'

'Of course. You're only eighteen once. We thought you could put some of it towards stuff for uni.'

'Or have one hell of a night out,' Bill said.

Olivia laughed. 'I'm not a big drinker to be honest, this would probably last me the whole three years.'

'Good,' Holly said, 'and don't let him encourage you.'

'Don't worry, mum,' she said. She opened Holly's card last, then set them both on the mantelpiece. 'Thanks everyone. Anyway, I'd better go and get ready. Dad's taking me for lunch.'

She thanked her mum, aunt, and uncle with a hug, then hurried upstairs.

*

Holly knocked on Olivia's bedroom door.

'Come in.'

'Hey,' she said. 'How was lunch with your dad?'

'Really nice. He took me to this really fancy place. You won't believe how artistic the food was. Come and look, I took some pictures.'

'Wow,' Holly said, looking at a plate of salmon and vegetables arranged delicately into a tower. 'That looks amazing. Expensive, too.'

'I know, but dad said he wanted to treat me.'

'Glad you enjoyed it, hon. Speaking of treats, I have one more present for you.'

'Oh, did you get it while I was out?'

'No, but it's not something I wanted to give you in front of everyone.'

'What is it?'

Holly brought her hand out from behind her back to reveal a Victoria's Secret bag.

'Mum!' she exclaimed, turning red.

Holly laughed. 'There's no need to be embarrassed. You're a woman now, and every woman should have at least one set of nice lingerie.'

She sheepishly accepted the bag and removed its contents: a black lace bra and panties complete with a suspender belt and stockings, the mere sight of which made her blush even harder.

'Mum, this is really...'

'Sexy?' Holly offered.

'I suppose. But I've never worn anything like this before.'

'I know, which is why I want you to put them on.'

'Huh,' Olivia sounded. 'Are you serious?'

'One hundred percent.'

'Now?'

'Now.'

'But why?'

'Because that's only the first part of the gift.'

Olivia had no idea what she meant, but she'd become too anxious to care. She set the lingerie down on the bed. 'Look, mum, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I don't think I have the body to pull this type of stuff off.'

'Nonsense,' Holly objected, sitting beside her. 'First of all,yes you do -- there's a reason they make it in your size. Second, you are a gorgeous young woman, and don't let that negative voice in your head tell you otherwise.'

Olivia fidgeted with her fingers, her face downcast. 'I know it's silly, but everyone I know is just so much more... developed. Even you had the hourglass figure.'

'Had?' Holly repeated with feigned indignation.

Olivia smiled. 'You know what I mean.'

'Look. I've always been curvy. Do guys like that? Sure. But proportions matter more than the curves themselves. You might be slight, but you've got a balanced figure. My boobs or bum would look ridiculous on you. Everything's the perfect size.'

'I know I shouldn't complain,' Olivia conceded, 'but all you hear guys talk about is big boobs and butts.'

'Size draws the eye,' Holly said, 'and it makes for better guy talk. But there are as many preferences among menas there are men! Some like curves, others prefer something more elegant.'

Olivia considered, then perked up slightly. 'Maybe you're right. And even if you aren't, there's no point in getting upset about something I can't change.'

'Exactly.Not that anything needs changing.'

'Thanks mum,' she said, giving her a hug.

'Always here to help, whether you're eight or eighteen.' Holly picked up the lingerie. 'Now put this on. We only have a limited time for your surprise.'

Still uncertain, but now with a hint of excitement at to what the mystery gift could possibly entail, she changed into the lingerie while Holly closed her eyes. 'All done.'

'Beautiful,' Holly said when she looked at her daughter.

'You think?'

'It suits you. I've got good taste if I do say so myself.' Holly got up from the bed and headed for the door. 'Follow me.'

'Where to?'

'You'll see.'

She followed tentatively as they left her bedroom and turned right along the landing. Stopping outside Holly's room did nothing to allay her confusion.

'Um, your room?' she said, her tone becoming suspicious. 'What's in there?'

'My goodness, you ask so many questions,' Holly said. 'Trust me, close your eyes.'

Olivia did as she was told and allowed herself to be led into the room. She felt a brush of air on her exposed skin as her mum walked back past her and shut the door.

'Open them.'

'Oh my God!' Olivia cried as she laid her eyes on Tom, in nothing but a pair of boxer briefs, standing in front of her.

'Hey, Liv,' he said, smiling at her. 'Surprise.'

She clumsily did her best to cover herself with her arms, than stared in horror at her mother.'What the fuck? Thiswas your surprise?'

Holly had expected a reaction in that vein, and remained resolute. 'Before you get angry, listen to what we have to say,' she said.

'Listen to you?' she shouted. 'You've paraded me almost naked in front of my cousin!'

'Just hear her out, Liv,' Tom said. 'She did it for you.'

She stared, aghast, at Tom. For me, she thought, how could she possibly think she was doingthis for me? Stranger thoughts then followed, relating to the first: Why am I just thinking this? After what they've done, why am I not screaming the house down? Why am I stuck inside my head?

The explanation was simple. She was distracted. Eyes still on Tom, she couldn't push from her mind how good he looked. His sporting physique only seemed to compound his handsome features, and his underwear -- at which she was hopelessly conspicuous in her efforts not to look -- was even more flattering than she'd imagined the previous morning.

'Your mum told me about the conversation you had yesterday,' he continued. 'I know there are some things bothering you, but for what it's worth from a guy's perspective, I don't think they're justified.'

Olivia's expression softened ever so slightly, then Tom completely disarmed her with his next sentence.

'You look stunning in that underwear, by the way.'

Stunning. The word made her weak at the knees. She'd never thought such an adjective to describe her possible, especially from someone like Tom. Her anger, now evaporated, left only embarrassment in its wake. She imagined she looked ridiculous, conflicted as she was. As she became more self-conscious, her grip tightened around her, and she felt blood begin to rush to her head.

Tom, again, knew exactly what to do. He approached her and, after taking her hands and lowering them to her sides, kissed her lightly on the lips.

Her heart skyrocketed to what felt like a thousand beats per minute, while her skin flared with a nervous heat. When their lips parted, all she could glean from the myriad of thoughts spiralling in her head was that it had been all too fleeting. Anger had given way to embarrassment, which had in turn morphed into perverse longing.

The next thing she felt was Holly taking her hand. She turned to her mum, who said, 'I know this is overwhelming, but you need to overcome your worries, especially before you go to university. If you don't, they'll get worse. I know I took a big risk in springing this on you, but Tom being here is the perfect opportunity, and I didn't want it to pass you by.'