Until I Find You Again Ch. 01

It was like old times. I loved talking to him. We caught up on what was going on. He was living a busy life with his Wife and 3 step-children. I was shocked because he used to tell me he did not even want children. I thought WOW, this guy has his hands full. We ended up speaking a fair amount of time every week or so.

By mid 2004 the calls stopped. Once again, we lost touch. But it wasn't until the summer of 2004 that I would receive a call from him while I was living in South Korea as my Husband was stationed there. Ryan did not know I was overseas since we had another gap between communication. He did not know that I didn't use my cell phone. I had no service. However, I could check my voice mail by dialing my number. One day, there was a message from Ryan. He was raging mad. He demanded I call him. He sounded very upset. He said he wanted to hear my voice, he missed me and he wanted to talk. He didn't care who was listening to the message. He didn't care if my now Husband heard the message, that I should call him back. He sounded so emotional that I thought he was about to cry. I had no idea what that was about and I never heard Ryan such a wreck. He never spoke like that to me. To this day I cannot forget that voicemail. He never let out what made him go crazy on me. Other than I know he really wanted to hear from me.

I called him back from Korea and told him I was overseas. I asked him why he was going crazy with the message he left. He simply stated he wanted to hear my voice. While my Man was in the other room, knowing I was on the phone with Ryan, I calmed him down and told him that I would call him when I get back to the states. We hung up.

Once again, we stopped talking until late 2005.

We picked up our communication... Not all the time, but here and there. I had just relocated again as my Husband was now at a different military station. Our talks always were good. We would have phone sex now and then and we just seemed so connected. It was as if we just couldn't stop what we knew we had. Whatever it is we had. I have no clue.

By 2006 our talks were coming to a close again. We lost contact. I missed him so much, but his numbers changed and he no longer used the email address I had. I was so sad. He never called me, even though he had my cell number. I just didn't have his. I figured that was the end of that.

I looked for him briefly in 2007, but couldn't find anyway to reach him. It was making me sad that I just had no way to get a hold of him. I looked often but I was out of luck. God, I missed him. It was really difficult knowing I may never speak with him again. But I was really happy for him that he had a good life going for him and a family now. That much, I knew.

Time went by and we reconnected in 2008 and I just simply do not recall how we connected, but we did. This time we were in full throttle..

He was stationed overseas in Iraq with his job. We picked it up again. We wrote emails every single day. We chatted non-stop via email. When there were days that I didn't write him, he would get very upset with me. I still loved Ryan, but it was harder to navigate any feelings because we were both in different worlds, leading our own lives with our families. We were friendly and close and often talked about our past. I think there was just something between us that could not be defined. We were friends, no doubt. But there was always some intensity behind our chats. It was personal. We carried on and all the while he was Married and I was Married. Below the surface of naughty talks, phone sex and fantasies, without sounding overly corny, that candle he lit on the night we met in 1997 still burned.

I think we figured that there was no harm in chatting. We were not having sex, we were fully involved with our Spouses and we just enjoyed each other's company on the phone and via email. I think deep down, we were both not thrilled with our lives at the time. We managed with our partners, made the best of it. We started getting more personal all over again. He was not so happy in his Marriage, I was not in mine, but we were there for each other. It was not a romantic connection like it was years before, but we still had our chemistry. And yes, I still loved him.

From 2009-2010 we chatted periodically. It was not a lot, but we touched base with each other and still found some time to chat. On the rare occasion we would have phone sex. But that was very few and far between. Between 2009-2010 we pretty much spoke a couple of times a year. He would always wish me a Happy Birthday and maybe swap a few emails catching up with one another.

In 2011 our talks really went all out. We talked on the phone, and wrote emails back and forth non-stop. But now, it was getting really intense. We would sometimes send emails all day long. At any given day, we could have sent 50 emails back and forth. We had a serious connection. But really we mostly bull-shitted. It helped him pass his slow days at work, and on my end, kept me excited to hear from him. We had phone sex here and there, and we had what I guess is e-mail sex. A LOT of e-mail sex. A LOT A LOT A LOT of e-mail sex.

We constantly talked dirty to one another. Constantly talked about each other and being together intimately. I was not 22 anymore. I was much more Mature, much more experienced and much more open to things. I was no longer that innocent young lady. I had a Husband, A Step-son I was raising and a house to take care of. Ryan had a Daughter with his Wife and still had to care for the three step-children, 2 of which were now out on their own. We had busy lives but time was different. We now made that time for one another to swap emails and chat about this and that. A lot of sexual talk and that was starting to build up more and more. It was like a drug all over again. The only difference between our talks now and back in the late 90's was the emotional connection was cut off because of our Marriages.

He kept himself busy with his home-life and work, as I did too, we had our own lives after all. But it was undeniable that underneath it all, we still cared very much for one another in a way that nobody could ever understand. If you were to ask me now if that candle was still burning. I would say yes. If you asked him, he would say no.

We remained friendly and I think he really protected me in his own way. Ryan and I didn't really come from two different worlds. We were the same in a lot of way. We both fed off of each other. Maybe it was just fun for him to talk to me and that was it. But nonetheless we were really connecting on a whole new level. Our sexual chemistry was out of this world. But the history behind it made it really special. Way fun, but with a more legitimate feeling behind it all.

The most ironic part about all of this, is that I was now living in his State. Yeah you got that right, backward Virginia. Well no not really, it wasn't like that 22 year old thought it was.

How in the WORLD could I possibly end up in the same State as him? Next County over. Within a 30 minute radius from one other? It still blows my mind as I write this.

We started discussing meeting. It was hard for me to swallow. I had thought about Ryan for so many years. Years ago, he once asked me how I pictured us meeting up. I never thought it would happen so I just let it go. But now it was getting real. Over the years he had sent me via email, many pictures of him, so I knew how what he looked like since back in the day. Of course he was always as Handsome as ever. I could really care less, it was the Man I knew that I had always been drawn to.

Ryan and I rarely had disagreements over the years. We never really had a big blow up fight either. Maybe one or two tiny ones here and there. We had our sorrows with one another and maybe a riff now and then but it always blew over. Ryan was fairly well at communicating with me even during troubled times. We were open and we held no judgments towards one another. We were pretty solid. I felt confident that I was ready to see him. I dreamed of it so long that I was in complete shock that it was going to happen.

There is no denying I am much more sentimental and reminiscent about things like this than he is. I felt deeper, I felt that our years knowing one another were to be ear-marked. I am a Woman, I remember dates, times, events and anything that means something truly remarkable to me. Ryan in my life, was no exception.

Every time we slipped away in contact, I missed him so much. I missed his voice....where it all began.

Ryan and I started getting more serious about meeting up. Not saying that this was such a dramatic issue, but it definitely was sexciting. I mean exciting. I could tell he was super happy about it too. The last time we REALLY discussed meeting up again was back in 2008 while he was in Iraq. But it was just a few tossed words here and there. I think he did take it seriously, but I think because I am just more emotional, I took it up a notch. I really do enjoy taking in the years I have known him. I like to savour it. Though there were some troubled times for us, and between us, we seemed to never be able to say goodbye to one another. Even though, the weight of our relationship was based on never seeing each other. One might think it's no big deal to cut someone off, but this was a mind-blowing time capsule that was nearing 15 years. Not so easy to do after all. As I will explain shortly.

We were in major sexual mode at this point in our discussions of reuniting. I had to take a step back and remind him that we were both Married and that getting together should be based on just wanting to see each other and to not go solely on our physical wants. I think he knew that and understood it. But of course he wanted a grab here and a grab there. And who am I kidding? I wanted it too. But it was so very long ago that we saw each other that though we both orchestrated thoughts of how we would spend our time, you can never really know how it will play out until that time comes. Ryan and I love working our fantasies with one another. We do it all the time. It's fun, it's exciting and the connection is obvious. So when you think about it, you build and build and build these emotions that are about to explode so when two people are on the same page, it's a recipe for getting carried away.

Ryan and I could talk about anything explicitly. He most definitely knows about me that way. He knows how I react to things. What I like, don't like. Etc. So we are not shy with one another. After all we have had phone sex a Thousand times!

I told Ryan no tongue if he kisses me. I told him he can maybe take a quick grab of my body to feel it. I had all these boundaries. He had this many: NONE. In fact Mr. Hottie welcomed me to do WHATEVER I wanted when I saw him. So here we are. Ryan telling me do as I please, and me, telling him that he can do this, but can't do that. Can't do this, but can do that. He got it, I never had to repeat it twice. Though of course I did. He said he would take whatever he can get. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Am I Pinata and you run for whatever treats just fall out because it's there, or do you slam that mother effer hard because you want something special from it? Kinda how I felt with that remark he made. But I didn't ask him what he meant.

Sometimes I had to read between the lines with him. It was a different time.

I warned Ryan that I did not look the same. Well duh, I was older. But I also was even heavier than I was when he first saw me. I had gained quite a bit of weight, mostly due to health issues that I struggled with. I still looked young, I still had long, curly hair, but I definitely was a big girl in a short frame. I knew he didn't care about that, but I wanted him to really understand. It's not like he didn't know. Over the years it wasn't as if I didn't tell him, but reality was setting in and I didn't want him to be shocked.

It was such a long time ago that we both couldn't possibly remember everything about one another looks wise. Yes, we saw pictures but we were both older and people change. It was in a way like meeting for the first time. Erasing that encounter in 1998 and starting fresh.

Before meeting, we once again ironed out the boundaries. I don't know what or who or whatever Ryan does outside of what I know between him and I. Of course his Wife too. But I knew what I was about and I had never strayed. I also knew that if there was one person in the World that I would stray with - it was Ryan. Just read this entire story from the beginning if you can't figure out why I would do so with him. I had zero doubt about doing so with him. It was not even a question. Does that make this immoral? Well, yes. Do I care? No. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so. There was a dotted line when it came to me. I was the solid line and my Husband was on the Left side, and Ryan on the Right side. I could pass as I please because I was in control of myself. I could do what I wanted. And I wanted to do so with Ryan. Do I have any guilt of what I was about to do? NO. I have been wanting to leave my marriage and though this doesn't make it right, I just didn't have much care. I waited a long time to touch Ryan and I wasn't going to pass it up. How did he feel? I have no clue. We just didn't talk about it. I have my ideas, but I didn't think they needed to be disclosed. We just approached it the way we wanted to. There was no denying that there were going to be some lines crossed when we met up.

From Elton John's "Original Sin"

I can't eat, can't sleep

Still I hunger for you when you look at me

That face, those eyes

All the sinful pleasures deep inside

Tell me how, you know now, the ways and means of getting in

Underneath my skin,

Oh you were always my original sin

And tell me why, I shudder inside, every time we begin

This dangerous game

Oh you were always my original sin

Have you ever had day dreams that you wished would come true but never did? Yeah, me too!

Every inch of me was so excited to see Ryan that I started tripping over my own words when we would speak. Meaning, he had me tongue-tied (yum) with thoughts of seeing one another. Like I said earlier, Ryan and I are VERY visual with our thoughts with one another. Ryan loves details, and I enjoy telling him the same.

It's Mid-September. We decided this was the time we were going to reunite. We thought we should just play it by ear. Times are different, remember, we are now living in the same state, within a 30 mile radius of one another, so it was much easier to just meet up when it was good with both of our schedules. It was a short, 15 minute drive if we met in the middle. Super amazing now that I think about that! 15 minutes now separated us after 15 years.

Again, I am WAY more into all the little details than he is. And that's perfectly fine with me! Women can tend to be like that. We just really like to take it all in and enjoy every aspect of something when it's something special. It doesn't make us nuts or have loose screws. It just means we take to heart the wonderfulness of it all.

I thought how amazing it would be to touch him for the first time. To hold him. To kiss him. To look at him. To hear his voice in person. To feel his feel on me. His hands on me. I waited so long for that moment. I just wanted to embrace him. I was so terrified that I would be a hysterical wreck all over again and cry my eyes out. I told him I was forewarning him that I may cry and he was of course welcoming of me being however I felt at that moment and he said he wouldn't care or be uncomfortable if I started balling. I mean really, if I am going to cry over him, over us, reuniting and all of that, HE is the one that I want to cry to. It's about us after all.

It was a Thursday. September 22nd. Ryan typically woke me up with morning messages. Most days. Not everyday but most. So when I woke up and got a moment to check my email, there was a morning message from him. I wrote him back and we swapped a couple of emails. I then went to go shower and get ready for my day.

As I was showering, I realized that we were both getting super anxious over getting together, so I thought about my schedule for that day and realized the only really pending thing I had at the moment was to have Lunch with a Girlfriend. The rest of the day was filler with errands and returns.

When I got out of the shower. I said to myself. NOW. It's time. NOW.

I quickly wrote him an email asking if he would be free to get together. He said he could be wherever I wanted him to be whenever I was ready.

Done deal.

We were to meet up.

HOLY SHIT.

HOLY SHIT.

HOLY SHIT.

I wasn't planning on this emotionally. It was completely a last minute thought I had. I didn't truly believe that today was the day.

HOLY SHIT.

HOLY SHIT.

HOLY SHIT.

I fixed myself up a little and all the history of us came flashing before my eyes. It was like in the movies, when you see someone standing there and they have those streams of lights passing by as the person goes through a wind-tunnel of past events.

I was numb.

Neither of us planned that today was the day. It was all on me when I sent him that email asking if he was free - last minute.

He asked where we should meet. I told him at the Burger King Parking Lot at so and so location. I gave him directions and we set the time for about 1:30. He had about an hour. I thought that was plenty of time for a first (second) encounter. Of course I would have liked the entire day!!! But it was not happening and would never happen. So his Lunch hour was perfect.

I got in the car, left my home and drove off to see Ryan. I waited forever for this day.

INTRO: From Bon Jovi: "You Want To Make A Memory"

Hello again, it's you and me

Kinda always like it used to be

Sippin' wine, killin' time

Tryin' to solve life's mysteries

How's your life? It's been a while

God it's good to see you smile

I see you reachin' for your keys

Lookin' for a reason not to leave

If you don't know if you should stay

If you don't say what's on your mind

Baby just breathe

There's nowhere else tonight we should be

You wanna make a memory?

You wanna steal a piece of time?

You can sing the melody to me

And I can write a couple lines

***********Part 2 Coming******************